I ๏ฌnish rinsing the paint out of the brushes and then walk back to the nursery to admire the mural. I spent most of yesterday and all of today painting it.
Itโs been two weeks since Ryle came over and put the crib together. Now that the mural is ๏ฌnished and I brought in a few plants from the store, I feel like the nursery is ๏ฌnally complete. I look around and feel a little sad that no one is here to admire the room with me. I grab my phone and text Allysa.
Me: Mural is ๏ฌnished! You should come down and look at it.
Allysa: Iโm not home. Running errands. Iโll come look at it tomorrow, though.
I frown and decide to text my mother. She has to work tomorrow, but I know sheโll be just as excited to see it as I was to ๏ฌnish it.
Me: Feel like driving into town tonight? The nursery is ๏ฌnally ๏ฌnished. Mom: Canโt. Recital night at school. Iโll be here late. I canโt wait to see it! Iโll come by tomorrow!
I sit down in the rocking chair and know that I shouldnโt do what Iโm about to do, but I do it anyway.
Me: The nursery is ๏ฌnished. Do you want to come look at it?
Every nerve in my body springs to life as soon as I hit Send. I stare at my phone until his reply comes through.
Ryle: Of course. On my way down now.
I immediately stand up and begin making last minute touches. I ๏ฌuff the pillows on the loveseat and straighten one of the wall hangings. Iโm barely to the front door when I hear his knock. I open it andย dammit. Heโs wearing scrubs.
I step aside as he makes his way in.
โAllysa said you were painting a mural?โ
I follow him down the hallway toward the nursery.
โItโs taken two days to ๏ฌnish,โ I tell him. โMy body feels like I ran a marathon and all I did was walk up and down a step ladder a few times.โ
He glances over his shoulder and I can see the concern in his expression. Heโs worried that I was here doing it all on my own. He shouldnโt worry. Iโve got this.
When we make it to the nursery, he stops in the doorway. On the opposite wall, I painted a garden. Itโs complete with almost every fruit and vegetable I could think of that grows in a garden. Iโm not a painter, but itโs amazing what you can do with a projector and transparent paper.
โWow,โ Ryle says.
I grin, because I recognize the surprise in his voice and I know itโs genuine. He walks into the room and looks around, shaking his head the whole time. โLily. Itโs . . . wow.โ
If he were Allysa, Iโd clap and jump up and down. But heโs Ryle and with the way things have been between us, that would be a little awkward.
He walks over to the window where I set up a swing. He gives it a little push and it begins moving from side to side.
โIt also moves front to back,โ I tell him. I donโt know if he even knows anything about baby swings, but I was pretty impressed by that feature.
He walks over to the changing table and pulls one of the diapers out of the holder. He unfolds it and holds it up in front of him. โItโs so tiny,โ he says. โI donโt remember Rylee being this tiny.โ
Hearing him mention Rylee makes me a little sad. Weโve been living apart since the night she was born, so Iโve never been able to see him interact with her.
Ryle folds up the diaper and puts it back in the holder. When he turns to face me, he smiles, lifting his hands to motion around the room. โItโs really great, Lily,โ he says. โAll of it. Youโre really doing . . .โ His hands drop to his hips and his smile falters. โYouโre doing really well.โ
A thickness seems to form in the air around me. Itโs suddenly dif๏ฌcult to take in a full breath because for whatever reason, I feel like I need to cry. I just really like this moment and it saddens me that we couldnโt spend the entire pregnancy full of moments like
these. It feels good sharing this with him, but Iโm also scared I might be giving him false hope.
Now that heโs here and he saw the nursery, Iโm not sure what to do next. Itโs glaringly obvious that we need to discuss a lot of things, but I have no idea where to start. Or how.
I walk over to the rocking chair and take a seat. โNaked truth?โ I say, looking up at him.
He exhales a huge breath and nods, then takes a seat on the sofa. โPlease. Lily, please tell me youโre ready to talk about this.โ
His reaction eases my nerves a little, knowing heโs ready to
discuss everything. I wrap my arms around my stomach and lean forward in the rocking chair. โYou go ๏ฌrst.โ
He clasps his hands together between his knees. He looks at me with so much sincerity, I have to glance away.
โI donโt know what you want from me, Lily. I donโt know what role you want me to have. Iโm trying to give you all the space you need, but at the same time I want to help more than you possibly know. I want to be in our babyโs life. I want to be your husband and I want to be good at it. But I have no idea whatโs going through your head.โ
His words ๏ฌll me with guilt. Despite what has happened between us in the past, heโs still this babyโs father. He has the legal right to be a father, no matter how I feel about it. And Iย wantย him to be a father. I want him to be aย goodย father. But deep down, Iโm still holding on to one of my biggest fears, and I know I need to talk to him about it.
โI would never keep you from your child, Ryle. Iโm happy you want to be involved. But . . .โ
He leans forward and buries his face in his hands with that last word.
โWhat kind of mother would I be if a small part of me doesnโt have concern in regard to your temper? The way you lose control? How do I know something wonโt set you off while youโre alone with this baby?โ
So much agony ๏ฌoods his eyes, I think they might burst like dams. He begins to shake his head adamantly. โLily, I would never . . .โ
โI know, Ryle. You would never intentionally hurt your own child. I donโt even believe it was intentional when you hurt me, but you did. And trust me, I want to believe that you would never do something like that. My father was only abusive toward my mother. There are many menโwomenย evenโwho abuse their signi๏ฌcant others without ever losing their temper with anyone else. I want to believe your words with all my heart, but you have to understand where my hesitation comes in. Iโll never deny you a relationship with your child. But Iโm going to need you to be really patient with me while you rebuild all the trust youโve broken.โ
He nods in agreement. He has to know that Iโm giving him much more than he deserves. โAbsolutely,โ he says. โThis is on your terms. Everything is on your terms, okay?โ
Ryleโs hands come together again and he begins to chew nervously on his bottom lip. I sense he has more to say, but heโs doubting whether or not he should say it.
โGo ahead and say whatever youโre thinking while Iโm in the mood to talk about it.โ
He tilts his head back and looks up at the ceiling. Whatever it is, itโs hard for him. I donโt know if itโs because the question is hard to ask or because heโs scared of the answer I might give him.
โWhat about us?โ he whispers.
I lean my head back and sigh. I knew this question would come, but itโs really dif๏ฌcult to give him an answer I donโt have. Divorce or reconciliation are really the only two options we have, but neither is a choice I want to make.
โI donโt want to give you false hope, Ryle,โ I say quietly. โIf I had to make a choice today . . . Iโd probably choose divorce. But in all honesty, I donโt know if I would be making that choice because Iโm overloaded with pregnancy hormones or because itโs what I really want. I donโt think it would be fair to either of us if I made that decision before the birth of this baby.โ
He blows out a shaky breath and then brings a hand up to the back of his neck, squeezing tightly. Then he stands up and faces me. โThank you,โ he says. โFor inviting me over. For the conversation. Iโve been wanting to stop by since I was here a couple of weeks ago, but I didnโt know how youโd feel about it.โ
โI donโt know how I would have felt about it, either,โ I say with complete honesty. I try to push myself out of the rocking chair, but for some reason itโs become a lot harder in the past week. Ryle walks over and reaches for my hand to help me up.
I donโt know how Iโm supposed to last until my due date when I canโt even get out of a chair without grunting.
Once Iโm standing, he doesnโt immediately release my hand. Weโre just a few inches apart, and I know if I look up at him Iโll feel things. I donโt want to feel things for him.
He ๏ฌnds my other hand until heโs holding both of them down at my sides. He threads his ๏ฌngers through mine and I feel it all the way to my heart. I press my forehead against his chest and close my eyes. His cheek meets the top of my head and we stand completely still, both of us too scared to move. Iโm scared to move because I might be too weak to stop him from kissing me. Heโs scared to move because heโs afraid if he does, Iโll pull away.
For what feels like ๏ฌve full minutes, neither of us moves a muscle.
โRyle,โ I ๏ฌnally say. โCan you promise me something?โ I feel him nod.
โUntil this baby comes, please donโt try to talk me into forgiving you. Andย pleaseย donโt try to kiss me . . .โ I pull away from his chest and look up at him. โI want to tackle one huge thing at a time, and right now my only priority is having this baby. I donโt want to add any more stress or confusion on top of everything thatโs already happening.โ
He squeezes both of my hands reassuringly. โOne monumental life-changing thing at a time. Got it.โ
I smile, relieved that weโve ๏ฌnally had this conversation. I know I didnโt make a ๏ฌnal decision about the two of us, but I still feel like I can breathe easier now that weโre on the same page.
He releases my hands. โIโm late for my shift,โ he says, tossing a thumb over his shoulder. โI should get to work.โ
I nod and see him out. It isnโt until after Iโve shut the door and am alone in my apartment that I realize I have a smile on my face.
Iโm still incredibly angry with him that weโre even in this predicament to begin with, so my smile is simply due to making a little headway. Sometimes parents have to work through their
differences and bring a level of maturity into a situation in order to do whatโs best for their child.
Thatโs exactly what weโre doing. Learning how to navigate our situation before our child is brought into the fold.
