I tried salvaging my phone before I fell asleep last night, but it was no use. It was in two completely separate pieces. I set my alarm so I could get up early and stop and get a new one on my way in to work today.
My face doesnโt look as bad as I feared it would. Of course, itโs not something I could hide from Allysa, but Iโm not even going to try and do that. I part my hair to the side to cover up most of the bandage Ryle had placed over my eye. The only thing visible from last night is the cut on my lip.
And the hickey he gave me on my neck.ย Fucking irony at its best.
I grab my purse and open the front door. I stop short when I see
the lump at my feet.
It moves.
Itโs several seconds before I realize that lump is actually Ryle.ย He slept out here?
He pulls himself to his feet as soon as he realizes Iโve opened the
door. Heโs in front of me, pleading eyes, gentle hands on my cheeks. Lips on my mouth. โIโm sorry, Iโm sorry, Iโm sorry.โ
I pull back and scroll my eyes over him.ย He slept out here?
I step out of my apartment and pull my door shut. I calmly walk past him and down the stairs. He follows me the entire way to my car, begging me to talk to him.
I donโt. I leave.
โข โข โข
Itโs an hour later when I have a new phone in my hands. Iโm sitting in my car at the cell phone store when I turn it on. I watch the screen as seventeen messages appear. All from Allysa.
I guess it would make sense that Ryle didnโt call me all night, since he knew what kind of shape my phone was in.
I start to open a text message when my phone begins ringing.
Itโs Allysa. โHello?โ
She sighs heavily, and then, โLily! What in the hell is going on?
Oh my God, you canโt do this to me, Iโm pregnant!โ
I start my car and set the phone to Bluetooth while I drive toward the store. Allysa is off today. Sheโs only got a few days left before she gets a jump start on her maternity leave.
โIโm okay,โ I tell her. โRyle is okay. We got into a ๏ฌght. Iโm sorry I couldnโt call you, he broke my phone.โ
Sheโs quiet for a moment, and then, โHe did? Are you okay?
Where are you?โ
โIโm ๏ฌne. Heading to work now.โ โGood, Iโm almost there myself.โ
I start to protest, but she hangs up before I have the chance. By the time I make it to the store, sheโs already there.
I open the front door, ready to ๏ฌeld questions and defend my reasons for kicking her brother out of my apartment. But I stop short when I see the two of them standing at the counter. Ryle is leaning against it and Allysa has her hands on top of his, saying something to him that I canโt hear.
They both turn to face me when they hear the door close behind me.
โRyle,โ Allysa whispers. โWhat did youย doย to her?โ She walks around the counter and pulls me in for a hug. โOh, Lily,โ she says, running her hand down my back. She pulls back with tears in her eyes, and her reaction confuses me. She obviously knows Ryle is responsible, but if thatโs the case, it seems she would be attacking him, or at least yelling.
She turns back to Ryle and heโs looking up at me apologetically. Longingly. Like he wants to reach out and hug me, but heโs scared to death to touch me. He should be.
โYou need to tell her,โ Allysa says to Ryle. He instantly drops his head in his hands.
โTell her,โ Allysa says, her voice angrier now. โShe has the right to know, Ryle. Sheโs your wife. If you donโt tell her, I will.โ
Ryleโs shoulders roll forward and his head is fully pressed against the counter now. Whatever it is Allysa wants him to tell me has him so agonized, he canโt even look at me. I clench my stomach, feeling the angst deeper than my soul.
Allysa spins toward me and puts her hands on my shoulders. โHear him out,โ she begs. โIโm not asking you to forgive him, because I have no idea what happened last night. But just please, as my sister-in-law and my best friend, give my brother a chance to talk to you.โ
โข โข โข
Allysa said sheโd watch the store for the next hour until another employee comes in for their shift. I was still so upset with Ryle, I didnโt want him in the same car with me. He said heโd send for an Uber and meet me at my apartment.
My entire drive home I agonized over what he could possibly need to tell me that Allysa already knows. So many things went through my head. Is he dying? Has he been cheating on me? Did he lose his job? She didnโt seem to know the details of what happened between us last night, so I have no idea how this relates to that.
Ryle ๏ฌnally walks through my front door ten minutes after me.
Iโm sitting on the couch, nervously picking at my nails.
I stand up and start to pace as he slowly walks to the chair and takes a seat. He leans forward, clasping his hands in front of him.
โPlease sit down, Lily.โ
He says it pleadingly, like he canโt take seeing me worry. I return to my seat on the couch, but I scoot to the arm, pull my feet up, and bring my hands to my mouth. โAre you dying?โ
His eyes stretch wide and he immediately shakes his head. โNo.
No. Itโs nothing like that.โ โThen what is it?โ
I just want him to spit it out. My hands are starting to shake. He sees how much heโs freaking me out, so he leans forward and pulls my hands from my face, holding them in his. Part of me doesnโt want him touching me after what he did last night, but a piece of me needs the reassurance from him. The anticipation of what Iโm about to ๏ฌnd out is making me nauseous.
โNo one is dying. Iโm not cheating on you. What Iโm about to tell you isnโt going to hurt you, okay? Itโs all in the past. But Allysa thinks you need to know. And . . . so do I.โ
I nod and he releases my hands. Heโs the one up and pacing now, back and forth behind the coffee table. Itโs as if heโs having to work up the courage to ๏ฌnd his own words and thatโs making me evenย moreย nervous.
He sits in the chair again. โLily? Do you remember the night we
met?โ
I nod.
โYou remember when I walked out onto the roof? How angry I was?โ
I nod again. He was kicking the chair. It was before he knew marine-grade polymer was virtually indestructible.
โDo you remember my naked truth? What I told you about that night and what caused me to be so angry?โ
I lean my head down and think back to that night and to all the truths he told me. He said marriage repulsed him. He was only into one-night stands. He never wanted to have kids. He was mad about a patient heโd lost that night.
I start nodding. โThe little boy,โ I said. โThatโs why you were mad, because a little boy died and it upset you.โ
He blows out a quick breath of relief. โYes. Thatโs why I was mad.โ He stands up again and itโs like I see his entire soul crumble. He presses his palms against his eyes and ๏ฌghts back tears. โWhen I told you about what happened to him, do you remember what you said to me?โ
I feel like Iโm about to cry and I donโt even know why yet. โYes. I told you I couldnโt imagine what something like that will do to that little boyโs brother. The one who accidentally shot him.โ My lips start to tremble. โAnd thatโs when you said, โItโll destroy him for life, thatโs what itโll do.โ โ
Oh, God.
Where is he going with this?
Ryle walks over and drops down to his knees in front of me. โLily,โ he says. โI knew it would destroy him. I knew exactly what that little boy was feeling . . . because thatโs what happened to me. To Allysaโs and my older brother . . .โ
I canโt hold in the tears. I just start crying and he wraps his arms tightly around my waist and lays his head on my lap. โIย shotย him, Lily. My best friend. My big brother. I was only six years old. I didnโt even know I was holding a real gun.โ
His whole body begins to shake and he grips me even tighter. I press a kiss into his hair because it feels like heโs on the verge of a breakdown. Just like that night on the roof. And while Iโm still so angry at him, I also still love him and it absolutely kills me to ๏ฌnd this out about him. About Allysa. We sit quietly for a long timeโhis head on my lap, his arms around my waist, my lips in his hair.
โShe was only ๏ฌve when it happened. Emerson was seven. We were in the garage, so no one heard our screams for a long time. And I just sat there, and . . .โ
He pulls away from my lap and stands up, facing the other direction. After a long stretch of silence he sits down on the couch and leans forward. โI was trying to . . .โ Ryleโs face contorts in pain and he lowers his head, covering it with his hands, shaking it back and forth. โI was trying to put everything back inside his head. I thought I couldย ๏ฌxย him, Lily.โ
My hand ๏ฌies up to my mouth. I gasp so loudly, thereโs no way to
hide it.
I have to stand up so I can catch a breath. It doesnโt help.
I still canโt breathe.
Ryle walks over to me, taking my hands and pulling me to him. We hug each other for a solid minute when he says, โI would never tell you this because I want it to excuse my behavior.โ He pulls back and looks me ๏ฌrmly in the eyes. โYou have to believe that. Allysa wanted me to tell you all of this because since that happened, there are things I canโt control. I get angry. I black out. Iโve been in therapy since I was six years old. But it is not my excuse. It is my reality.โ
He wipes away my tears, cradling my head against his shoulder. โWhen you ran after me last night, I swear I had no intention of
hurting you. I was upset and angry. And sometimes when I feel that much emotion, something inside of me just snaps. I donโt remember the moment I pushed you. But I know I did.ย I did.ย All I was thinking when you were running after me was how I needed to
get away from you. I wanted you out of my way. I didnโt process that there were stairs around us. I didnโt process my strength compared to yours. I fucked up, Lily. I fucked up.โ
He lowers his mouth to my ear. His voice cracks when he says, โYou are myย wife. Iโm supposed to be the one who protects you from the monsters. Iโm not supposed toย beย one.โ He holds me with so much desperation, he begins to shake. I have never, in all my life, felt so much pain radiating from one human.
It breaks me. It rips me apart from the inside out. All my heart wants to do is wrap tightly around his.
But even with everything he just told me, Iโm still ๏ฌghting my own forgiveness. I swore I wouldnโt let it happen again. I swore to him and to myself that if he ever hurt me again, I would leave.
I pull away from him, unable to look him in the eye. I walk toward my bedroom to try and take a moment to just catch my breath. I close my bathroom door behind me and grip the sink, but I canโt even stand up. I end up sliding to the ๏ฌoor in a heap of tears.
This isnโt how this was supposed to be. My whole life, I knew exactly what Iโd do if a man ever treated me the way my father treated my mother. It was simple. I would leave and it would never happen again.
But I didnโt leave. And now, here I am with bruises and cuts on my body at the hands of the man who is supposed to love me. At the hands of my own husband.
And still, Iโm trying to justify what happened.
It was an accident. He thought I was cheating on him. He was hurt and angry and I got in his way.
I bring my hands to my face and I sob, because I feel more pain
for that man out there, knowing what he went through as a child, than I feel for myself. And that doesnโt make me feel sel๏ฌess or strong. It makes me feel pathetic and weak. Iโm supposed to hate him. Iโm supposed to be the woman my mother was never strong enough to be.
But if Iโm emulating my motherโs behavior, then that would mean Ryle is emulating my fatherโs behavior. But he isnโt. I have to stop comparing us to them. Weโre our own individuals in an entirely different situation. My father never had an excuse for his
anger, nor was he immediately apologetic. The way he treated my mother was much worse than whatโs happened between Ryle and me.
Ryle just opened up to me in a way that heโs probably never opened up to anyone. Heโs struggling to be a better person for me. Yes, he screwed up last night. But heโs here and heโs trying to make me understand his past and why he reacted the way he did.
Humans arenโt perfect and I canโt let the only example Iโve ever witnessed of marriage weigh in on myย ownย marriage.
I wipe my eyes and pull myself up. When I look in the mirror, I
donโt see my mother. I just see me. I see a girl who loves her husband and wants more than anything to be able to help him. I know Ryle and I are strong enough to move past this. Our love is strong enough to get us through this.
I walk out of the bathroom and back into the living room. Ryle stands up and faces me, his face full of fear. Heโs scared Iโm not going to forgive him, and Iโm not sure that Iย doย forgive him. But an act doesnโt have to be forgiven in order to learn from it.
I walk over to him and I grab both of his hands in mine. I speak to him with nothing but naked truth.
โRemember what you said to me on the roof that night? You said, โThere is no such thing as bad people. Weโre all just people who sometimes do bad things.โ โ
He nods and squeezes my hands.
โYou arenโt a bad person, Ryle. I know that. You can still protect me. When youโre upset, just walk away. And Iโll walk away. Weโll leave the situation until youโre calm enough to talk about it, okay? You areย notย a monster, Ryle. Youโre only human. And as humans, we canโt expect to shoulder all of our pain. Sometimes we have to share it with the people who love us so we donโt come crashing down from the weight of it all. But I canโt help you unless I know you need it. Ask me for help. Weโll get through this, I know we can.โ
He exhales what feels like every breath heโs been holding in since last night. He wraps his arms tightly around me and buries his face in my hair. โHelp me, Lily,โ he whispers. โI need you to help me.โ
He holds me against him and I know deep in my heart that Iโm doing the right thing. There is so much more good in him than bad, and Iโll do whatever I can to convince him of that until he can see it, too.
