OCTOBER 31, 1994
AFTER THE CAKE WAS EATEN, WE WERE ALL SENT INTO THE LOUNGE TO PLAY BECAUSE it was raining too heavy to go back outside. Cadence played with a few dolls from Claire’s toy box, while the bigger boys wrestled and jumped around to the music playing. Claire and Gibsie were bouncing on the couch, playing the Five Little Monkeys Game.
I wasn’t sure what to do.
I didn’t know how to talk to everyone.
I missed Shannon.
I wished she had come to the party.
She didn’t like to talk a lot, and I liked that about her. Sometimes it was nice to not talk and still be friends.
Sitting on the window seat, I dangled my legs off the side and watched everyone. It was so loud. It made my head feel dizzy. Like it was spinning. I felt hot, too, like I was in front of the fire.
My attention switched from one side of the room to the other. I wanted to run away, but we couldn’t go outside, so I sat on my hands to stop them from scratching. Shaking my head, I tried to smile, to not feel so cross, but I didn’t like this.
It was too loud.
My mind kept flicking back to when my piece of cake fell on the floor and Marybeth laughed.
She was talking to Hugh now.
I narrowed my eyes.
Something in my belly grew.
Something angry.
Something hot.
My breathing got faster and faster until I felt like screaming.
Oh no. No, no, no, no…
I clamped a hand over my mouth to stop myself.
Don’t scream.
Be a good girl.
“Hey.” Hugh sat down on the window seat next to me. “Not having a good time?”
I couldn’t answer him.
I was breathing too fast.
I was trying too hard to keep the scream in.
“Hey, hey…” He leaned in close and looked at me with concern. “You okay?”
I still couldn’t answer him.
All I could do was keep my hand over my mouth and breathe through my nose, while I shook my head.
“Can you breathe?”
I shook my head again, eyes growing wild and fearful.
“You’re okay.” Twisting sideways on the seat to face me, he placed his hand on my shoulder and gently steered me until I was sitting with my back to the room, facing the window. “It’s probably just a panic attack.” He reached for the hand I wasn’t using to cover my mouth and gripped it tightly in his. “Just breathe.”
All I could do was stare at him in horror. Because while I didn’t understand what was happening to me, I knew what would happen next, what always happened next, and I didn’t want my friends to see this.
I didn’t want him to see this.
“There you go.” His voice was gentle and kind. “Nice and slow.” He squeezed my hand again. “You’re okay.”
Was I?
I didn’t think so.
I wanted to scream. I wanted to tear every picture frame off the walls. I wanted to run away as fast as I could. I wanted to… I wanted to… I wanted to keep looking into his eyes.
Focusing all my attention on the boy sitting beside me, I let my eyes roam over his face.
Golden skin.
Yellow hair.
Kind smile.
Eyes like Daddy’s whiskey.
Soap and strawberries.
Hugh Biggs.
“There you go,” he finally said with a smile, breaking me from my deep concentration. “Look at you.”
I looked down and was surprised to see that he was holding both of my hands. My hand wasn’t on my mouth, and I wasn’t screaming.
Confused, I stared down at my hands before flicking my eyes back to his. “I’m okay?”
He nodded and smiled. “You’re okay.”
I glanced around the room.
Everyone was still playing.
Nobody was looking at me.
Nobody was shouting at me.
I wasn’t bad.
I swung my attention back to him. “How did you do that?”
“Do what?”
“Make it stop.”
“The panic attack?”
I nodded, not sure if that’s what it was but needing to know either way. “How did you make it stop?”
“I didn’t do anything, Lizzie,” he replied, still smiling, still holding my hands. “You did that yourself.”
I didn’t.
I knew I didn’t.
He looked down at our joined hands that were resting on his lap. “Hmm.”
“What?”
“That’s the second time I’ve held your hand.” His cheeks reddened. “I’ve never held a girl’s hand before today.”
“You haven’t?”
He shook his head slowly, still not letting go of my hands. “Have you?” His cheeks flushed, and he quickly added, “Ever held hands with another boy?”
“No.” I shook my head. “You’re my only boy.” I felt my skin grow hot. “Only you.”
His lips twitched into a shy smile, like he was pleased with my answer.
“I like you, Hugh Biggs,” I blurted out, feeling the heat bursting out of my chest. “I think.”
I watched him carefully for a reaction, and when he tried and failed to hide a smile, I felt my heart slam against my chest.
“I don’t think I like you, Lizzie Young.” He looked out the window when he whispered, “I know I do.”
Several hours later, when almost everyone from the party had been collected, I was still waiting for my dad to come. I didn’t mind, though. In fact, I secretly hoped he forgot to pick me up. I wanted to stay right here with my new friends.
Well, Claire wasn’t a brand-new friend, but her brother and his friends were. The dark-haired boy was called Patrick Feely, and he was super nice but kind of shy. The other boy’s name was Gerard Gibson, and he was so funny.
Sitting around in a circle on the floor, the five of us played a game of Pass the Whisper, where we had to pass the same whisper to each other and the last person to hear the whisper said it out loud. Gibsie was the last person in our game, and he never got the whisper right. Instead, he said the strangest things that made me laugh so hard my belly ached.
“Lizzie, sweetheart, your father just called me,” Sinead Biggs said, walking into the lounge when we were halfway through another round of Pass the Whisper.
Sitting on the couch, she gestured for me to come to her, which I quickly did. I liked her a lot. She had brown eyes like Claire and a gentle voice.
“Your father is running late,” she said when I sat down next to her. “I didn’t know your mother’s in the hospital, sweetheart.”
“Your mam’s in hospital?” Claire asked, looking over at us from her spot in the circle. “Is she okay?”
I shrugged. “She has cancer.”
Her eyes widened. “What’s that?”
“Caoimhe’s at home, and your father asked me to drop you home to her, but I have a better idea.” Sinead took my hand in hers and smiled. It was a nice smile. Like how my mother smiled at me. “How would you like to go trick-or-treating with us first?”
“Yay, yay, yay!” Claire squealed before I could answer. “Please come, Lizzie.” Jumping to her feet, she ran over to the couch and climbed up beside me. “It’s so much fun, and we always get a ton of sweets.”
“Okay!” I laughed, shaking from the force with which my friend was tugging on my arm. “I’ll come.”
“Yay, yay, yay,” Claire cried out happily, still pulling on my arm. “Can she stay, Mam? Can Lizzie sleep over, too?” She leaned over me to grab her mother’s shoulders. “Please, Mam, please. Hughie always gets to have friends sleep over.” Scrambling over me, Claire plopped down on her mother’s lap and started to beg. “Please, Mammy, please! Hugh gets to have Patrick and Gerard sleep over tonight. I want Lizzie.”
Nobody had ever said that about me before.
But Claire did.
She said she wanted me.
My heart thumped with excitement.
“She can stay in my room, and I’ll share my teddies with her, I promise,” Claire continued to plead. “Please, Mammy, she’s my bestest friend.”
“Well, it’s fine by me, but maybe we should ask Lizzie what she wants to do first, hmm?” Sinead laughed. “How about it, sweetheart?” She turned to smile at me. “Would you like to stay for a sleepover with this crazy ball of energy?”
“Yes!” I practically screamed, unable to hold in my excitement. “Yes, please!”
“Are you keeping lookout?”
“Yeah.”
“Are you sure?”
“Yeah, just do it, Hughie.”
“What if someone sees us, Gibs?”
“I’ve thrown two cartons already, and nobody caught me.”
“Yeah, but you’re lucky, and I’m always caught.”
“Oh my God, just do it, you big baby.”
“Fuck you, Feely. You do it.”
“Why me? I don’t have a problem with Old Murphy.”
“Yeah, only because the fucker didn’t burst your balls.”
“Guys, stop cursing.”
“What if he comes out this time?”
“Let’s just go back inside, okay? Before we get caught.”
“Hell no, we have a mission to complete.”
“Maybe Baby Biggs is right, lads. Your mam will flip if she finds out we snuck out and took the girls with us.”
“Shut up, Feely. We don’t need that kind of negative talk. Now, throw the fucking egg, Hughie!”
“I’ll throw it.” Snatching up two eggs from the tray, I crept out from behind the car we were hiding behind and ran up the driveway of Hugh and Gibsie’s mortal enemy. Launching the eggs as I hard as I could, I scrambled back to our den as fast as I could.
“Holy shit,” Hugh whispered, looking at me with wide eyes. “You really are fast.”
“Told ya,” I replied, feeling my belly flip-flop when he looked at me like that. He had done it a lot when we were trick-or-treating earlier, and I liked it then, too.
“That was Tomb Raider–style badass,” Gibsie exclaimed, holding up his hand for a high five. “You got his windows.”
“This is fun.” Snickering, I high-fived him before grabbing more eggs. “Let’s do it again.”
“This is superbad,” Claire groaned, covering her face with her hands. “We’re going to be in so much trouble.”
“Okay,” Hugh said, pulling down his mask to hide his face. “I’m going to do it.” Grabbing the last two eggs from our very last tray, he broke off in a crouched run toward the house, while Gibsie cheered him on from the den.
However, the moment he reached the garden and reared back to throw his eggs, the porch light flicked on, and an old man appeared. “I’ve got ya now, ya little bollocks,” the man snarled, grabbing Hugh by the collar of his shirt. “Take off that mask and let me see who I’m dealing with!”
“Oh fuck,” Gibsie groaned, scrambling out from our cover to defend our friend, but I got there first.
Bolting out from behind the car, I rushed at the old man who was stringing Hugh up by the collar and threw myself at him. “Let him go,” I hissed, smashing him with the eggs I was still holding before biting down on his arm.
“Jesus Christ,” the old man yelped, releasing my friend and cradling his hand to his chest.
I moved to rush the man again, but a hand grabbed mine and pulled me away. Hugh’s hand, I realized, as we ran full speed after our friends in the opposite direction of his house.
“Holy shit,” Hugh laughed, still holding my hand, as we ran for our lives from the crime scene. “I can’t believe you bit Old Murphy.”
“I’m sorry,” I called back, running as fast as I could to keep up with him. “Please don’t be mad at me.”
“Mad at you?” He pulled me behind a wall at the end of their street. “Liz, you just saved me from being grounded for a month.” He was breathing hard from running. “I’m not mad at you. I’m grateful.”
“You are?” I replied, panting for breath, as we hid from sight. “Really?”
“Really.” Hugh squeezed my hand and smiled down at me. “Thanks for saving me back there.”
“Anytime,” I replied, grinning back at him.
“That was so badass,” Gibsie panted, climbing out of the bushes, with Patrick and Claire in tow. Jogging over to us, he slung his arm over my shoulder and laughed. “Lads, we have to keep this girl.”
“Agreed,” Hugh and Patrick said in unison, while Claire clapped her hands and bounced around excitedly. “See? I told you guys she was the bestest.”
“You were right, Claire-Bear,” Gibsie replied, giving her a big smile. “A star is better than a square.”
I scrunched my brows up. “A square?”
“Yeah, we’re a square, see?” Gibsie pointed to the four of them before pointing to me. “You make a star.”
“Yay,” Claire squealed, clutching her chest. “I’m so happy.”
“Okay, guys, all in.” Gibsie held his hand out, and we all piled our hands on top of his. “Team Gibson on three.”
“No fucking way,” Hugh argued. “There are two Biggses in this group, so it should be Team Biggs on three.”
“Hold up,” Patrick warned. “We need to vote first.”
“Fine,” Hugh said, holding his hand up. I blushed with heat. “All in favor of Liz joining the gang, raise your hands.”
Everyone raised their hands.
I beamed with happiness.
“Then it’s official,” Hugh said, turning to smile at me. “You’re one of us now.”
“I am?”
“That means we keep each other’s secrets and stick together, no matter what.”
My heart leapt. “No matter what?”
“Yeah, Liz.” Hugh smiled. “No matter what.”
