Ever hear the phrase ‘you are who you hang out with?’ or ‘dogs who lay together share the same fleas?’ Metaphorically speaking, this means that people who hang with a certain crowd becomes the product of who their influences are. That is why jocks hang with other jocks in school,
coworkers that share the same interests get along best, and siblings get along when they are older. Now, imagine which people you hang out
with and don’t label them, but try to define one as toxic or healthy. Are all your relationships healthy? Or, is there one friend, family member,
or even coworker in your life dragging you down? Do you end up leaving your conversations fulfilled or out of sorts? You can usually tell from
your group of relationships which friends are there for you and which are not.
Aside from the normal ‘bad’ friend who gives you bad advice, or the interpersonal relationships that leave you curious about their intentions, there are dark personalities out there. These personalities are called the dark triad and consist of narcissists, machiavellianists,
and psychopaths. These people are the ones you should be the most concerned about. I would like to touch on them first, in order to
understand the difference between a toxic person and a dangerous person.
The Dark Triad
The dark triad refers to three distinct personality types that are
each defined as having a disorder within their respective personalities.
This means that the dark triad of personality types do not know that
they have a disorder and so trying to change them might be just a waste of time. Here are the three examples.
- Narcissism – A narcissist is selfish, boastful, egotistical, lacks empathy and is extremely hypersensitive to criticism. They
don’t think that they can do anything wrong and are master manipulators. They don’t feel the way we do in the sense that when they do something wrong, if they feel guilty they don’t
show it, but rather point blame onto you instead. They can make you feel crazy and actually have you spiral out of control.
- Machiavellianism – Machiavellianists are master manipulators
who specialize in destroying your world as a way to build
themselves up. They are only interested in themselves and don’t feel guilt or shame. Their morals are ‘offset’, and they lack
emotional connection and empathy. These dark personalities feed on the misfortunes of others to get ahead.
- Psychopathy – Psychopaths are usually raised or taught to be a
certain way. Their upbringing may not have been the most pleasant and so they have learned that all humans are against them. These types of people also have no empathy and usually
show no remorse for their wrong doings. They are antisocial and manipulative to get what they want while they set up ways to be happy stemming from someone else’s misery. These are the
types of people that are most likely criminals and have no guilt in their pleasure of ruining someone’s life.
In all aspects, these human beings are different but very similar in the
way they act. Here are some tell-tale signs you may be dealing with one of the three dark triads:
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They don’t listen to you
They hear what you’re saying, may show some sort of interest, but never actually follow through with what they say they will do. They are great charmers and will draw you in just by telling you what you want to hear. If they have a chance to become close to you, they will exploit your weaknesses and make you believe what they want you to
believe. A dark triad personality type will dismiss your feelings,
ignore your requests, minimize your goals, and take credit for what you have accomplished.
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They are selfish
They are very selfish people. When they see something they want, they go after it no matter the consequences. A narcissist may feel guilt but lack empathy, whereas a psychopath will do things on purpose without hiding their intentions and feeling no guilt in the process.
They can behave from one extreme to the next to get what they want and need. These people are so self-centered that it may feel as though they are hogging the air in every conversation making every interaction feel as though their story is more important than yours.
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They feel victimized
Whenever you tell them how you feel, they become sensitive and feel victimized. Problems never get solved and you may feel as though you are in an endless battle with them. When you try to explain your reasoning, they have a hard time looking at it as a positive thing and think that you are just projecting your own emotions onto them. With this, they will point blame on you and never take responsibility for their own actions making you feel as though you are crazy.
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Nothing is their fault
If they are mad, it’s your fault. If they fail at something it’s someone else’s fault. If they are upset by an action they caused, it ends in them gaslighting you. Gaslighting means that whatever they did it was
because you made them do it. They act one way and say the opposite and never hold true to their promises. Everything upsetting that has ever happened to you is never their fault.
Living with or associating with a dark triad member can leave you
fighting for the mental strength to go about your daily tasks. You may
feel tied down and helpless to help others. If you feel isolated and have little to no friends, and your family members have backed away from you, it may be because of the company you keep. The dark triad
personalities will convince you that all you need is them, and it can be hard to gain the respect of others back when you get rid of them.
Coming back from a dark triad relationship can take a huge amount of work and may leave you impaired or vulnerable to falling into another trap. If these signs sound familiar to you, it’s time to leave right now.
How to Spot a Toxic Person
Now that we have learned what the dark triad is, we can move on to what a lesser version of these types are. A toxic person does not
necessarily fall under the characteristics of the dark triad. However, a
toxic person is still damaging to your mental and emotional health and sometimes physical health. Most of the time they are master
manipulators and are very likable at first. Here are some definite signs of a toxic person:
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They gossip or talk about other people
Most of the time someone who talks badly about someone else, or
takes credit for someone else’s work, will do the same to you. They do this because they are jealous or envious of others and like to make themselves look good. However, do not mistake them as someone who is favoring you as their best friend to tell secrets to. This is one of the first signs that they are toxic beings.
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They always find something to complain about
It is normal to vent, as everyone does. But there is a difference between venting about a bad day, or having a problem that they are seeking advice about, and someone who always complains about their life. People who complain all the time may show signs of negativity which can influence how you feel about your own life and thoughts.
You may find yourself stuck trying to solve all their problems that you forget about yourself.
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They like to brag
Everyone likes to talk about their accomplishments and tell stories about how they got to be successful or how they got to where they are in their life. On the other hand, a toxic person will likely go on and on about their successes and minimize or compete with your accomplishments. These people are toxic and will likely steal your spotlight the first chance they get.
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You feel as though you need to defend your actions
Have you ever been in a conversation where you are having to explain to someone why you made the choices you did? Or, maybe for no reason at all, you want to impress them but feel as though you can’t? This is when the toxic person has trapped you into believing that to be their friend you must act as they expect in order to be worthy of their ‘friendship’. Falling into this trap will get you
nowhere and have you always trying to explain yourself. You are already an overthinker, this type of person does not need you using the little mental energy you have to impress them.
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They don’t make you feel important
If you have a problem, and try to address them, your concerns may not be as important to them as you would like. Or, if you have great news that you are excited to share with them, then they give you the exact opposite response you were looking for, it may leave you confused. If you have ever left a conversation expecting one result and getting the opposite, this person does not support you and will
continue to make you question yourself. This can greatly impact how much worrying you do to show that you are a genuine person.
These are just a few signs of what it’s like being involved with a
toxic person. If you ever come out questioning your morals or beliefs, it’s time to think of minimizing your interactions. What you should be feeling after a conversation is enlightened and supported. You should
feel just as empowered as you try to make your friend or loved one feel. If you have ever felt that someone is your friend because you are giving them a benefit then this is a clear sign that they are toxic. What I mean by this is, you should never have to question the intent of your true friends. Friends and good influences stick around because they
genuinely care, not because they want to use you or every time they come around it’s because they need something or it’s convenient for them. You need to find people that want to make the time to schedule you into their day and make you feel important.
How to Escape a Toxic Relationship (Friend, Workmate, and Partner)
In any type of relationship, if the above signs sound familiar you must take action to decrease your interaction or rid them from your life completely. In order to escape overthinking, you need to surround yourself with positive people and influences as a means to change.
At the beginning of this chapter you read the phrase dogs who sleep
together share the same fleas. Well, this saying is only true if you let it become true. It is up to you to define the toxicity in your life and do something about it. These next steps are steps to take about how to remove a toxic person from your life.
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Demonstrate and uphold boundaries
Toxic people cannot be changed. It’s how they are and so the faster you can accept this the better off you will be. Once you have a clear recognition of who they are, change for them will only happen if they make the effort to do so and are aware of what they are doing. You cannot do this for them. All you can do is set clear boundaries and stick to them. To do this, you need to take a long hard look at your
values and see what is negotiable and what is not. If you really want
to develop a strong positive attitude, then being around negative people should not be tolerated. If you find that the person is being negative or acting in an unkind way, simply say ‘I am trying to
change for the better. If you would like to work on your attitude then I will support you, but for now I am going to walk away because I will not be involved with this conversation if this is going to continue.’
This shows that you will not tolerate nonsense, but you still respect them. Thus, you are not attempting to change them, but, rather, controlling your own beliefs and setting clear boundaries.
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Don’t allow yourself to be sucked into their drama When a friend is having a crisis, it is only normal to come to their beck and call. But, have you ever come to a friend’s side and then
found out it was just pointless drama that you are now involved in?
Have you regretted coming in the first place because it had nothing to do with you, and now you are stressed about it? This is called being sucked back in. Learn to recognize when someone really needs help, or when they have created their own drama that should have nothing to do with you, and kindly say no. Saying no might be hard at first, but let them know you are there for them when they are done dealing with what they need to deal with. You are a shoulder to cry on, not a superhero to fix their problems.
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Own your weaknesses and be okay with who you are
Toxic people will find your mistakes, exploit your weaknesses, and remind you of your regrets. When you own your flaws and are okay with who you are through your experiences, you take away the power of them being able to get to you. Believe that you are a good person that is not perfect. Understand that your regrets have shaped you into who you are now. Recognize that if any person is going to throw
these misfortunes against you, that they are not here to help you but to use you and bring you down.
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Recognize projection
If someone in your life hurts you purposely, they aren’t actually seeing that what they are doing is hurting you. Grab a hold of your emotions, and don’t take things personally when around a toxic person. Projection is when someone points out your flaws and
mistakes because they see it in themselves. They have not accepted who they are so they bully or knock you down in the belief that they are better than you. Toxic people do this on purpose and by accident.
Simply state that what they are doing is hurting you and let them know that if they continue, you will not tolerate it and will have to
leave. If they lash out and say that you are being unsupportive, don’t take it to heart, just recreate those solid boundaries and walk away.
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Choose healthy relationships
Removing toxic people from your life may be extremely difficult, but by doing so will leave you with room to make new friends. Friends that will support you and grow with you. Healthy relationships are
those that listen to you, hear your problems, create solutions and try to do better every day. If you leave a conversation feeling empowered and exhilarated, it means that you have just undergone a positive and healthy relationship.
Part of knowing who you are will make ridding negative people from
your life easier. You need to figure out what you can handle and what you can’t. If you are seriously trying to do better for yourself, it will
become second nature to you to leave toxic people behind. Ask yourself just one question in the midst of all of this – how often do you obsess
over if you were good enough or what someone thinks of you? If it’s a lot then most of your relationships are unhealthy. The opposite of an
overthinker is someone who knows who they have in their lives, never
questions their relationships, and feels good about the next day. You need to stop and figure out who in your life you trust most, then
surround yourself with more of those types of people.
Chapter Summary
Whether you are surrounded by the dark triad, or a toxic friendship, or a family member that you cannot just drop contact with, the point of this chapter was not to rid yourself of negative influences but to adopt a positive mindset, and become assertive in your quest to be influenced by true friends and relationships. Own your mistakes, and never let someone have the power over you that they don’t deserve.
Become familiar with yourself so that you can spot a toxic person before you get too close. The closer your relationships the harder it will be to minimize your contact with them later.
In this chapter, you learned:
- How to spot a toxic person.
- What the dark triad is.
- Why negative people are not beneficial to you.
- The signs of and traits of a dark person.
- How to say no by setting boundaries.
- Why owning who you are is important.
- How to escape a toxic relationship.
- Why it is crucial to surround yourself with positive influences. This was the last chain you need to break in order to be truly free from overthinking. As you probably figured out by now, it’s a complex web of
obstacles which cannot be solved overnight. Still, the fact that you chose
to take action means you are on the right path. Don’t give up and take each chain one by one until you become truly free.
A New Dawn
A new dawn suggests a new change, a brighter future, and the flip side to something you have wanted to do for a while. In this book, “Breaking Overthinking” you have learned every chain in the mind of an overthinker. We have addressed every single chain in multiple ways and now you can break them once and for all. Whether you have already
started to practice some of the strategies mentioned, or you are just getting started, one thing is for sure: once you take the first step, you will never look back.
By now you should be looking at an overthinker as someone you used to be, not as someone you are. You should be comfortable with what needs to be done, and understand why you have developed the mind of an overthinker. There are a lot of chains you need to break; however, this shouldn’t discourage you. Take it one step at a time.
Maybe being mindful and practicing meditation is where you will start. Perhaps decluttering your home is the first thing you will do. Possibly working on your habits is what you feel you need to do. Or, let’s suppose defining your relationships should be the first chain to break. You can start wherever you feel most comfortable. Working from the last chain up to the first, or even starting from the middle. Whatever you do, as
long as you choose to be mindful, aware, structured, active, and strive to be positive every day, you won’t have any problems.
When you started this book, I promised you that as long as you tried your hardest to practice the strategies presented here you would become who you have always wanted to be. That could be the confident business person you dreamed of being. Or, it could be that reliable
friend you have previously failed to be because of your worries. It could be the loving spouse your significant other has missed so much.
Whatever your goal was before you started this book, my promise was that you would learn strategies to get out of your head and get what you wished for. So, the one thing to look forward to from this point on is to practice being that person by letting go of your worries and tackling the
many challenges you will face by overcoming every chain presented to you in this book.
If there are two things you must remember constantly is that life is too short to be negative and worrying about things of no importance to
you will only bring you misery. Life will always be more fulfilling as long as you stay positive and be mindful of all that you are grateful for. There was a reason you bought this book, so make that reason your reality.
Cheers!
