Remember when I said I forgive you? I lied.
I stumbled toward the metro, Joshโs words echoing in my brain like an endless taunt.
Remember when I said I forgive you? I lied. When I said I forgive you? I lied.
Forgive you? I lied. I lied.
I lied.
Tears blurred my vision, and I wasnโt sure if I was going in the right direction, but I didnโt care. I just needed to get away.
From Joshโs cruel words, his cold eyes, and his vindictive touch.
From the knowledge that Iโd fucked up and had no one to blame except myself.
People said to have loved and lost was better than never having loved at all.
They never said a damn thing about what it was like to have the person you loved and lost look at you like they utterly loathed you. Josh had never looked at me like that, not even when Iย thoughtย he hated me.
I swiped at my cheeks with the back of my hand, but it was like trying to sweep water back into the ocean. Utterly futile.
I knew there was a chance Josh would react badly to the truth. I just hadnโt expected him to reactย thatย badly.
The worst part was, he was right. I hadnโt trusted him to take my side after learning the truth. Iโd been so blinded by my insecurities, so terrified of destroying one of the few beautiful things in my life, that I turned its destruction into a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Josh hadnโt cared about the sex tape or the stupid painting. Heโd only cared that I lied to him.
I was such a fucking idiot.
If youโd asked for the painting, I wouldโve given it to you. I wouldโve given you anything you wanted.
Fresh needles of pain pierced my chest. My heart burned like someone had raked it over hot coals, and I couldnโt drag enough air into my lungs. Maybe it was because every breath hurt.
Every breath, every heartbeat, every blink. Normal bodily functions that all justย hurt.
Even my body hated me.
I wiped my face again as the metro came into view. Iโd made it, sort of.
Six stops until I reached the station near my apartment, then a five-minute walk to my building.
Six stops. Five minutes.
I could survive for that long.
โGet yourself together,โ I hiccupped. โBefore people call the cops on you.โ
I was already attracting a mix of alarmed and concerned looks from passersby. Talking to myself probably didnโt help.
Luckily, the train arrived right as I entered the platform, so I didnโt have to wait. I chose the emptiest car and curled up in the corner, watching the dark tunnels rush by outside. My crazed reflection stared back at me from the opposite windowโhair wild, black tracks of mascara running down
my face, skin covered with blotches of bright red like I had a nasty case of hives.
Did you really think so little of me that you thought Iโd judge you for things you were manipulated into doing? That I wouldnโt have been on your side and took that fucker down with you?
I closed my eyes, wishing with everything in me that I could turn back time and redo all my decisions regarding Max.
I was supposed to be a lawyer. Logical, reasonable, strategic. But when it came to Max and Josh, Iโd been anything but.
How had I fucked up my own life so badly?
I opened my eyes again, not wanting to spend too long in my thoughts. They would just torture me.
Instead, I watched the metro stops pass by with a detached awareness.
Tenleytown. Van Ness. Cleveland Park. Adams Morgan/Woodley Park.
By the time I reached my stop and made the short trek from the station to The Mirage, my sobs had given way to a cold numbness.
I walked through the dark, silent apartment, my steps unnaturally loud against the hardwood floors. Stella wasnโt home, so I didnโt have to field questions about why I looked like such a hot mess.
All I wanted was to sleep the night away, but I managed to take a quick shower before I climbed into bed. My movements were stiff and mechanical, like I wasnโt truly there.
I wish I werenโt.
Despite the exhaustion pulling at my eyes, I couldnโt fall asleep, so I just stared at the ceiling and listened to the silence.
Maybe it was my imagination, but a whiff of Joshโs cologne from the last time he slept over lingered. If I closed
my eyes, I could almost pretend he was there, his face buried in my neck and his strong body cradling mine.
You know, youโre the first guy Iโve been with in my room. Firstย and last,ย Red.
Possessive much?
Damn right I am. I donโt like sharing. Sharing is a virtue, Josh.
I donโt give a flying fuck. I donโt share. Not when it comes to you.
Something warm and wet trickled down my cheek. Its saltiness teased my lips, and I realized I was crying again.
Unlike my earlier sobs, these tears didnโt make a sound. They were quiet screams trapped in my chest, burrowing into my bones and suffocating me.
I didnโt bother wiping them away. I just lay there, staring into the darkness and letting it eat me alive.