The doorbell rang when I almost wrestled my suitcase
closed. The unexpected sound startled me into loosening my hold on the shell, which popped open again with a smug thud.
โFuck.โ
I leave for New Zealand in four days. Iโve refused to check my luggage ever since an airline lost the suitcase containing my signed baseball trading cards when I was twelve, so Iโd spent the past hour shoehorning a weekโs worth of hiking gear into a tiny carry-on.
All that work, down the drain.
โThis better be fucking good.โ Irritation shot through my veins as I marched out of my room and to the front door.
I flung open the door, ready to rip whoever it was a new one, but my foul mood crumbled when I saw who stood on the front step.
โHey.โ Jules wrapped her arms around her waist, her skin pale and her eyes suspiciously bright. โIโm sorry for dropping by unannounced, but IโฆI didnโt know whereโฆโ Her wobbly smile crumpled. โI didnโt want to be alone.โ
Her voice caught on the last word, and a blade of worry sliced through my insides.
โFuck being sorry.โ I opened the door wider and scanned her for injuries as she stepped inside. No bleeding,
no bruises, just that lost look on her face. Worry stabbed deeper in my gut. โWhat happened?โ
โItโs my mom.โ Jules swallowed hard. โThe hospital called and said she was in a car accident. Sheโsheโsโฆโ A small sob slipped out.
She didnโt need to finish the sentence for me to guess what happened. But while Iโd expected sympathy or even commiserating pain, nothing couldโve prepared me for the explosion in my chest.
One tiny sob from her, and every hidden explosive detonated, one by one, until pain burned through my lungs and rushed through my blood. It echoed in my head and squeezed my heart so tight I had to force myself to breathe through the ache.
โCome here, Red.โ The rough crack in my voice sounded foreign to my ears.
I opened my arms. Jules stepped into them, burying her face in my chest to mu๏ฌe her cries, and it took all my willpower to hold back a visible reaction. I didnโt want to heighten the wild emotion rampaging through the air, butย fuck,ย seeing her hurting, hurt. More than I thought possible.
โShhh.โ I rested my chin on top of her head and rubbed gentle circles on her back, wishing I werenโt so damn helpless. I wouldโve done anything, bargained with anyone, to erase her pain, but of all the skills Iโd mastered over the years, bringing back the dead wasnโt one of them. โItโs okay. Itโll be okay.โ
โIโm sorry.โ Jules hiccupped. โI know thisโthis i-isnโt part of our arrangement, b-but A-Avaโs a-at a photoshoot and S-Stella isnโt home y-yet and Iโฆโ
โStop saying sorry.โ I tightened my hold on her. โYou have nothing to be sorry about. You can stay here as long as youโd like.โ
โBut w-what about ourโโ
โJules.โ My hand paused on her back for a second. โShut up and let me hold you.โ
Her watery laugh lasted for a second before it dissolved into tears again. But fuck it, Iโd take a second of her feeling better. Iโd take half a second. Anything I could get.
Eventually, her sobs subsided into sni๏ฌes, and I guided her to the couch. โIโll be right back.โ
I didnโt have time to grocery shop this week, so I placed a quick delivery order on my phone and fixed a cup of tea in the kitchen. My mom had firmly believed a good cup of tea could solve any problem, and though I rarely drank it myself these days, I always kept some on hand.
Tea and a hot water dispenserโtwo essentials in a Chinese household.
A pang pierced my chest at the thought of my mom. Sheโd died when I was a kid, but no one truly gets over the death of a parent.
Jules never talked about her family, so I assumed she had a fraught relationship with her mother, but her mom was still her mom.
I returned to the living room and handed her the drink. โYou didnโt poison this, did you?โ Her scratchy voice
contained a hint of her usual sass.
Relief bloomed behind my ribs, and my lips curved at the callback to one of our earlier conversations.
โJust drink the damn tea, Red.โ
A shadow of a smile crossed Julesโs mouth. She took a small sip while I sank next to her on the couch.
โThey called when I was in the clinic,โ she said, staring into her mug. โThe other car ran a red light and crashed into hers. Everyone died on impact. The hospital went through her belongings and found my numberโฆI was the only family she had left.โ
She lifted her eyes to meet mine, her expression tortured. โI was the only family she had left,โ she repeated. โAnd I havenโt talked to her in seven years. I had her
number. I couldโve called her, butโฆโ A visible swallow. โI kept telling myself, next year. Next year will be the year I call her and make amends. I never did. And now, I never will.โ
Julesโs voice thickened with a fresh bout of unshed tears.
The ache in my chest hardened into stone.
โYou couldnโt have known,โ I said gently. โIt was a freak accident.โ
โBut if I hadnโt put it offโฆโ Jules shook her head. โThe worst part is, I didnโt think I would feel like…this.โ She gestured at herself. โMy mom and I didnโt part on good terms, to say the least. For years, I wasย so angryย at her for what she did. I thought I would beย relievedย when she died, but Iโฆโ She sucked in a sharp inhale. โI donโt know. I donโt know how I feel. Sad. Angry. Ashamed. Regretful. And yes, a little relieved.โ Her knuckles whitened around her mug. โIs that terrible of me?โ
โIt sounds like you had a complicated relationship with your mother, and itโs normal to feel all those things. Even relief.โ
I saw it all the time in the hospital. Some patients lingered on the verge of death without truly living or dying. When they finally passed, their families mourned, but they were also relieved that their loved oneโs suffering had ended. They didnโt say it, but I saw it in their eyes.
Grief wasnโt one emotion; it was a hundred emotions wrapped in a dark shroud.
Julesโs situation wasnโt quite the same, but the principle remained.
โTrust me. Iโm a doctor,โ I added with a half smile. โI know everything.โ
My chest glowed at her soft laugh. Two laughs in less than an hour. I viewed that as a win.
โWere you close to your mom?โ she asked. โBeforeโฆโ
My smile faded. โYeah. She was the best until the divorce. It got so nasty, and she became erratic. Moody. And when she was framed for trying to kill Ava…well, you know what happened.โ A lump of emotion lodged itself in my throat. โLike most people, I thought she tried to drown Ava. The doctors and police chalked it up to a mental break, but I still refused to talk to her for weeks after. Weโd barely reconciled before she overdosed on antidepressants.โ
Julesโs face softened with sympathy. โSounds similar to my story. The beginning, at least.โ She traced the rim of the mug with her finger. โMy mom and I were close when I was a kid. My dad left before I was born, so it was only the two of us. She loved dressing me up and parading me around town like I was a doll or an exclusive accessory. I didnโt mindโI loved playing dress-up, and it made her happy. But when I got older, I started getting more attention than she did, especially from men, and sheย hatedย it. She never said it, but I could see it in her eyes every time someone complimented me. She stopped treating me like her daughter and started treating me like I was her competition.โ
Jesus. โShe was jealous of her own daughter?โ
I tried to keep the condemnation out of my voice, considering the woman had just died, but my stomach churned at the idea that a mother would compete with her child.
Jules let out a humorless laugh. โThatโs the thing about my mom. She was used to being the center of attention. Homecoming queen, prom queen, beauty queen. She won a bunch of pageants when she was younger and never got over her glory days. She was beautiful even when she was older, but she couldnโt stand not beingย theย most beautiful person in the room.โ
She took a deep breath. โMy mom pursued modeling instead of attending college, but she never made it big.
After she had me, the jobs dried up, and she became a cocktail waitress. Our town was cheap. We wouldโve had an okay lifestyle, but she had a huge spending problem and racked up a bunch of credit card debt on clothes, makeup, beauty servicesโฆbasically anything that helped her keep up appearances. Our bills fell by the wayside. There were some days when the only real food I ate was in the school cafeteria, andย manyย days when I would come home, terrified that would be the day we got evicted.โ
I rubbed Julesโs back with soothing strokes even as my jaw tensed at the description of her childhood.
Who the fuck would choose makeup and clothing over food for their kid?
But Iโd witnessed enough ugliness in the world to know those people existed, and it made me sick that Jules had grown up with one of them.
โWhen I was thirteen, she got the attention of Alastair, the richest man in town, when he visited the bar where she worked,โ Jules continued, โThey got married a year later. We moved to a big house, I received a generous allowance, and it seemed like all our problems were solved. But Alastair alwaysโฆโ The short pause was long enough for dread to solidify my insides. โ…watchedย me and said things that made me wildly uncomfortable, like how nice my legs were or how I should wear skirts more often. But he didnโt touch me, and I didnโt want people to think I was overreacting to a few compliments, so I didnโt say anything. Then one night, when I was seventeen and my mom was out with her friends, he came into my room andโฆโ
I stilled. โAnd what?โ The words vibrated with such eerie calm it was hard to believe they came out of my mouth.
โHe said all this stuff about how I should be more grateful for everything heโs done for me and my mom, and then he said I couldย showย him how grateful I was byโฆyou know.โ
Rage clouded my vision and painted the world in a film of bloody red. Darkness stirred in my chest, insidious in how slowly it uncoiled, like a monster lulling its prey into a false sense of security before it attacked.
โWhat happened after that?โ Still calm, still flat, though razored tension ran sharp beneath my words.
โOf course, I said no. I yelled at him to get out and threatened to tell my mom what he said. He just laughed and said sheโd never believe me. Then he tried to kiss me. I tried pushing him off, but he was too strong.ย Luckilyโฆโ Her mouth twisted at the word. โMy mom came home early and caught us before he couldโฆdo anything else. He spun some story about how Iโd tried to seduce him, and she believed him. She called me a whore for trying to seduce her husband and kicked me out that night.โ
The rage pulsed harder in my gut, expanding and intensifying until it shattered any morals I mightโve had.
I became a doctor to save lives, but I wanted to slice Alastairโs skin off his body, strip by strip, and watch the life bleed from his eyes.
โI was able to withdraw enough money to scrape by for a few weeks before Alastair froze my accounts,โ Jules said. โI, um, worked odd jobs around town until college. After graduation, I left and havenโt gone back since.โ
โWhereโs Alastair now?โ
God help him if I ever found him, because I had zero compunction about turning my murderous fantasy into reality.
When it came to monsters who preyed on young girls or anyone I cared about, I didnโt give a shit about the law. The law wasnโt always justice.
โHe died my junior year of college,โ Jules said. โHouse fire. I was still tracking what was happening back home at the timeโcall it morbid curiosityโand the news made it into the local papers. There were rumors of arson, but the
police couldnโt find any hard evidence, so the case went cold.โ
Alastairโs death shouldโve placated me, but it only pissed me off more. I didnโt care if heโd burned alive; the bastard got off too fucking easy.
โMy mom was out with friends at the time, so she was fine, but it turned out Alastair left her a pittance,โ Jules continued. โIโm not sure where the rest of his fortune went, but of course, my mom spent her inheritance within a year. She went from having everything to having nothing again.โ A bitter smile touched her lips. โThat was also in the local papers. When youโre as rich as Alastair was, in a town as small as Whittlesburg, everything that happens to you and your family is news.โ
A muscle ticked in my jaw. โAnd no one questioned the fact that they threw a seventeen-year-old out to fend for herself?โ
โNo. The townspeople made up their own rumors about how I was stealing from Alastair to fund my drug habit,โ she said flatly. โHow they tried to get me help but it didnโt work, they were at their witsโ end, so on and so forth.โ
Jesus fucking Christ.
โThe crazy part is, I still wanted to reconcile with my mom, especially after Alastairโs death. She was my mom, you know? The only family I had. I called her, got her voicemail, and left my number. Asked her to call me back because I wanted to talk. She never did.โ Jules wrapped her hands tighter around the mug. โMy ego took a huge blow, and that was the last time I reached out to her. But if I hadnโt let my pride get in the wayโฆโ
โCommunication is a two-way street.โ Some of my anger faded, replaced by a deep ache for the little girl whoโd only wanted her motherโs love. โShe couldโve contacted you too. Donโt be too hard on yourself.โ
Honestly, her mother sounded like a piece of fucking work, but I kept that to myself. Donโt speak ill of the dead
and all that.
โI know.โ Jules sighed. Distress carved tiny grooves in her forehead, but at least sheโd stopped crying. โAnyway, enough about the past. Itโs depressing.โ She knocked her knee against mine. โYou wouldnโt make a half-bad therapist.โ
I almost laughed at the thought. โTrust me, Red. Iโd make a terrible therapist.โ I could barely get my life together, much less advise people on theirs. โI just have experience with dysfunctional families, thatโs all.โ
The doorbell rang.
I reluctantly unfolded myself from the couch to answer the door and returned with two large brown paper bags.
โComfort food,โ I explained, removing the takeout boxes from the bags.
Macaroni and cheese. Tomato soup. Salted caramel cheesecake. Her favorites.
โIโm not hungry.โ
โEat.โ I pushed a container of soup toward her. โYouโll need the energy later. And drink more water or youโll be dehydrated.โ
Jules rewarded me with a tiny smile. โYouโre such a doctor.โ
โIโll take that as a compliment.โ
โYou take everything as a compliment.โ
โOf course I do. I canโt fathom why anyone would want to insult me.โ I removed the lid from the macaroni and cheese. โIโm extremely lovable.โ
โPeople who are extremely lovable donโt have to keep saying it.โ Jules took a tiny sip of soup before setting it down.
โMost people arenโt me.โ I speared a piece of cheesecake with a fork and handed it to her. After a momentโs hesitation, she accepted.
We ate in companionable silence for a while until she said, โI have to fly to Ohio soon. For the funeral. But my
graduation is on Saturday, and I have to make the arrangements, and I donโt even know how much flights are. They canโt be that expensive, right? But itโs so last minute. And I have to figure out where Iโm going to stay, and I have
โโ
โBreathe, Red.โ I placed my hands on her shoulders, steadying her. She was breathing faster again, her eyes taking on the wildness of overwhelm. โHereโs what weโre going to do. Weโre going to finish eating, then youโre going to take a shower while I look up flights, hotels, and funeral homes. Once we nail those things down, we can focus on the details. And you are not flying to Ohio until after graduation. You went through three years of law school hell, so youโre walking across that damn stage. Got it?โ
Jules nodded, looking too stunned to argue.
โGood.โ I handed her the rest of the cheesecake. โHere.
That shitโs too sweet for me.โ
After we finished eating, she took a shower while I figured out the logistics of her trip. Luckily, flights to Ohio werenโt expensive, and Whittlesburg had a total of two hotels, five bed and breakfasts, and a handful of sketchy- looking motels on the outskirts of town, so it wasnโt hard to narrow the choices down. A quick Google search also turned up a funeral home with good reviews and reasonable prices.
By the time Jules stepped out of the bathroom, I had everything ready to go on my laptop. She gave them a cursory glance before booking.
โThank you.โ She sank onto my bed and ran a hand through her hair, still looking a little lost but more animated than before. โYou didnโt have to do all this.โ She gestured at my computer.
โI know, but it beats watching some crappy TV rerun for the tenth time.โ
Jules snorted. Her eyes fell on my open suitcase and widened. โWait, your New Zealand trip. I forgot thatโsโโ
โNot until next week. I leave Monday.โ Unease tugged at my gut. Iโd been so excited for New Zealand, but my enthusiasm had waned, for some reason.
โThatโll be fun.โ Jules yawned. She wore an old Thayer tee of mine that skimmed her thighs, and her damp hair hung in dark red waves around her shoulders.
Of all my favorite sights in the worldโthe Washington Monument at sunrise, the autumnal blaze of leaves during a New England fall, the expanse of ocean and jungle laid out before me at the end of a long hike in BrazilโJules wearing my shirt might just be my number one.
โGet some rest,โ I said gru๏ฌy, discomfited by the strange warmth spiraling through my insides. โItโs late, and youโve had a long day.โ
โItโs nine, Grandpa.โ She yawned again.
โYeah? Iโm not the one who looks like Iโm trying to catch flies with my mouth.โ I shut my laptop and turned off all the lights except for my bedside lamp. โBed. Now.โ
โYou are so bossy. I swear…โย Yawn. โI donโt know howโฆโย Yawn.ย โPeople stand…โ Julesโs drowsy grumble grew softer with each word until her eyes fluttered closed.
I tucked her beneath the comforter, keeping my touch gentle so I didnโt wake her. Her skin was paler than usual, and a touch of red still shaded the tip of her nose and the area around her eyes, but she fell asleep insulting me. If that wasnโt proof she was feeling better, I didnโt know what was.
I turned off the remaining light and climbed into bed next to her.
Our conversation from Bridgetโs wedding lingered, unresolved, between us. Did our original arrangement still stand, or had we morphed into something else? I had no clue. I didnโt know what the fuck we were or what we were doing. I didnโt know what Jules was thinking.
But we could deal with all that another day.
I curled my arm around her waist, tucked her closer to my chest, and, for the first time since our arrangement started, we slept together.
