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Chapter no 5

I Hope This Doesn't Find You

โ€ŒThe bakery is usually crowded after school.โ€Œ

I push through the doors and let the familiar scent of coconut and butter and sweet milk envelop me. It smells like home. Feels like it too. Our bakery is nestled right in the middle of town, next to the Korean barbecue place everyone goes to in the winter and the Asian grocery with its never- ending supply of Wang Wang gummy candies and fish sauce and braised beef instant noodles. A little farther out is the theater, where you can find

the latest wuxia films and Chinese rom-coms and sciโ€‘fi films, and the dim sum restaurant that gives out free newspapers to the elderly, and the nail salon thatโ€™ll do your manicure for free if youโ€™re suffering through a breakup.

All of it is as intimate to me as the path to my own house.

I drop my bag down by the counter and squeeze past the customers lined up with their trays of bread. Custard swirls, tuna buns, green tea mochi, jam doughnuts. Tiny cakes layered with diced strawberries and kiwi fruit and fresh-whipped cream. Normally I would wait until everyone was

gone to sneak one of the leftover cupcakes from the shelves, but today I feel too sick to even contemplate eating.

โ€œCatch!โ€

I spin around just in time to see the bright blur of color streaking toward me. By instinct, my hands shoot up and grab the basketball seconds before it can smash my nose.

โ€œA warning would have been nice,โ€ I grumble as Max walks up to me. โ€œYeah, thatโ€™s why I saidย catch,โ€ Max says, grabbing the basketball back

only to spin it on one finger. His black, bristly hair is so shiny that at first I

think heโ€™s just showered but, upon closer inspection, is the result of a disgusting amount of hair gel.

โ€œArenโ€™t you meant to be on campus right now?โ€ I ask. Max has never shown much interest in our bakery, but heโ€™s been visiting even less ever

since he moved into his college dorm. Whenever he does choose to pop in, itโ€™s because he claims to be too lazy to cook for himself. โ€œSurely even you sports students have actual classes to attend.โ€

He shrugs. โ€œSkipped them. The lectures were boring.โ€

โ€œYou canโ€™t justโ€” You canโ€™tย skipย your classes.โ€ย Not when your tuition costs almost as much as what the bakery makes in a year, Iโ€™m tempted to add, but donโ€™t. My brotherโ€™s life is a simple, happy one, comprising just four things: breakfast, lunch, dinner, and basketball. Itโ€™s the life I want for him, the life I swore to myself Iโ€™d let him keep, even with our dad gone.

โ€œSure I can,โ€ he says with an easy smile. โ€œEveryone does it. And itโ€™s enough having one perfect student in the family, yeah?โ€

My expression threatens to waver, my stomach coiling around itself. Here, in the warmth of the bakery, the email disaster doesnโ€™t even seem totally real. I try to swallow, but it feels like swallowing a hard pill without water.

โ€œWhereโ€™s Mom?โ€ I ask him, sidestepping the subject. Itโ€™s a miracle my voice holds strong.

โ€œSheโ€™s in the back.โ€

He bounds after me, humming some sort of video game soundtrack as I slip through the kitchen and find her inside. Sheโ€™s leaning against the wall by the bins, using a broom to support herself like she doesnโ€™t have the energy to carry her own weight, her complexion pale beneath the flickering fluorescent bulbs, the hollows under her eyes dark. My heart pinches. She

looks exhausted, but thatโ€™s nothing new.

โ€œHere, I can sweep this place up for you,โ€ I tell her in the cheeriest voice I can muster.

She blinks. Shakes her head. โ€œNo, no. Iโ€™m okay. You focus on your schoolwork.โ€

โ€œI donโ€™t have much schoolwork,โ€ I lie, even as my mind flips through all my tasks for tonight, my assignments due tomorrow, the articles I still need to write.

Mom hesitates, her bony hands tightening over the broom.

โ€œGive it to me,โ€ I say firmly, yanking the broom away from her. โ€œIโ€™ve got it.โ€

But Max elbows me. โ€œHold up. Didnโ€™t you say you were going to help me practice my passes?โ€

Heโ€™s right. I did promise him that.

โ€œI can practice with you while I clean up,โ€ I say. โ€œJust donโ€™t knock anything over.โ€

โ€œAre you certain you can handle it?โ€ Mom asks, frowning at me. Neither of us even entertains the possibility of Max helping with the cleaning. The last time he did, he managed to knock over all the bins and spent hours picking pieces of eggshell off the ground. โ€œDonโ€™t you want to rest first orโ€”โ€

โ€œMom, I promise, itโ€™s no problem.โ€ I laugh at her with such ease I almost believe myself and push her lightly toward the door. I can feel the ridges of her spine underneath my fingertips. Thereโ€™s no meat, only bone and muscle, the results of labor.

As soon as sheโ€™s out of sight, I start sweeping on autopilot. Half the blisters on my palms and fingers are from gripping the pen too long. The other half are from this.

Beside me, Max starts dribbling the ball. โ€œReady?โ€ he asks.

I take my left hand off the broom. โ€œOkay. Go.โ€ The basketball shoots across the space and lands perfectly in my palm. I bounce it a few times before tossing it over to him, which he catches just as easily.

โ€œDamn, not bad. Not badย at all,โ€ he says. โ€œYou should join the team.โ€ I roll my eyes. โ€œNo need to flatter me.โ€

The basketball comes flying back. โ€œFor real,โ€ he insists, then pauses. โ€œWell, you might need to build some muscleโ€”โ€

This time, I aim the basketball at his face. โ€œIโ€™m stronger than you are.โ€

โ€œNo,ย Iโ€™mย clearly the strongest in the family,โ€ he protests. โ€œRemember, even Dad saidโ€”โ€

We both falter. The ball thuds to the floor and rolls off toward the shelves as we both do our best to act like nothingโ€™s happened, like he doesnโ€™t exist. But itโ€™s impossible, like attempting to cover up a murder

scene with napkins. Itโ€™s easier to remember how things used to be, those hazy, long-gone afternoons when my dad and Max and I would hang around in our small backyard and race one another and play basketball until dinnertimeโ€”

No.ย I stop myself before the nostalgia can sneak up on me. I refuse to miss him, to want him back in our lives.

โ€œYou do need more practice,โ€ I say mildly.

Max scrambles to retrieve the ball, and when we start passing it back and forth again, weโ€™re both careful not to bring him up. Still, the topic nags at my mind. Not for the first time I wonder if he blames me for what happened too. If thatโ€™s the reason for the faint but always noticeable friction between us, why he only comes back once every week or so, why half our conversations seem to lapse into silence.

By the time we finish, the sun has already disappeared. I save all the leftover bread in a massive container for our neighbors: the Duongs, who both work two jobs to feed their five children; the old nainai whoโ€™s been living alone since her partner passed away three winters ago, and only

speaks a few sentences of English; the Henan-born divorcรฉe who always brings us fresh lemons plucked from the tree in her own yard. I make sure to add a few extra slices of strawberries to the cakes before we close the store.

Then the three of us squeeze onto the late bus home, the bread balanced on my lap, my bulky schoolbag crammed under my arm, Maxโ€™s basketball cradled in his. The air inside smells like plastic and perfume, and thereโ€™s a kid sitting behind me who has decided to play kickball with the back of my seat.

Thud.

Thud. Thud.

Irritation flares up in my throat.

Ignore it, I tell myself.ย Itโ€™s not worth making a fuss over, and itโ€™ll be your stop soon anyway.ย I turn my attention to the scenery as it unfolds

outside the window. The streetlights are slowly replaced by old oaks, gray turning to green, the space between houses growing wider and wider until weโ€™re fully in the suburbsโ€”

Thud. Thud. Thud.

I take a deep breath. Squeeze my fists again, try to relax each muscle in my fingers one by one. But my fists stay clenched, and without anything better to distract me, the images Iโ€™ve been trying to keep at bay all evening flash through my head. Julius greeting the aunties with his fake smile and

false charm. Georgina backing away from our group project. Julius laughing with the girl next to him. Rosie storming up to me, her eyes narrowed in accusation. Julius leaning forward in the gardens, the scratch of his voice against my ear:ย I think youโ€™re obsessed with me, Sadie Wen.ย His twisted smirk, his cold, cutting gaze.

Thud. Thudโ€”

โ€œCan you stop that?โ€ I snap, whipping my head around.

The kid freezes. My mother freezes too; she looks stunned.

Iโ€™m shocked myself. The words donโ€™t feel like they could have come out of my own mouth. Itโ€™s like somebody has removed every filter Iโ€™ve fixed in place, cleared out a direct path from my brain to my lips.

Then, to my absolute horror, the kid bursts into noisy tears. Oh god.

Oh my god. I just made a teeny-tiny human cry. What isย wrongย with me today?

โ€œSโ€‘sorry,โ€ I mumble, heat rushing up my neck. The passengers around us are all staring at me, probably wondering what kind of monster I am. I couldnโ€™t be more relieved when the bus rolls to a stop on our street. I grab my container of bread and hop off with record speed. The child is still wailing as the automatic doors fold shut.

In the following quiet, Max makes a low whistling sound. โ€œDamn, I really thought you were going to punch the kid for a second there. Kind of scary, not going to lie.โ€

Mom peers over at me. โ€œIs everything okay, Sadie?โ€

I push down the lump in my throat. โ€œYeah, of course,โ€ I say brightly. โ€œIโ€™m sorry. I was just . . . annoyed. And Iย wasnโ€™tย going to punch anyone,โ€ I add, shooting Max a look.

She studies me a moment longer, then sniffs. I wait for her to tell me off. โ€œWell, I know Iโ€™m not supposed to admit this because Iโ€™m an adult, but I wanted to yell at that young boy too. Come on,โ€ she adds, lifting the container from my arms and turning toward our house. Itโ€™s recognizable even in the darkness, with its jade-green roof and the fairy lights strung up over the front porch. โ€œYou should shower and sleep early. You still have school tomorrow.โ€

School tomorrow.

The reminder hits me like a mallet to the stomach. I donโ€™t know how Iโ€™m going to survive it.

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