โHi, Yordan.โ
Bel bared her teeth in a smile, tooย ๏ฌerce, judging by Yordanโs alarmed face.
โHello, Annabel,โย he said, pulling the door fully open.ย โWe werenโt expecting visitors. Iโm just doing your grandpaโs lunch.โ
โGreat, Iโll join you.โย Bel gave him no choice, foot crossing the threshold, bumping the door out of Yordanโs hands. She stepped inside, a wave of dry heat enveloping her, stinging her eyes.
Yordan nodded as she winced, understanding.ย โYour grandpa feels the cold.โ
Bel followed him down the hallway, stairs snaking up to the right. Grandpa couldnโt go upstairs anymore, the house cut in half for him.
The study was his bedroom now, and Yordan slept upstairs, in the room Dad had grown up in. A lot of history here, the building blocks of the Price family. The grandmother Bel never met died right there, after a fall down the stairs, hit her head just the wrong way. Bel and Carter used to try and summon her ghost, before the idea of ghosts became something to fear.ย Hey, Granny Price, watch me do a handstand. Hey, Granny Price, is the devil real?
Grandpa was in the living room, in his armchair, the one they used to sit
in to read together.
โPat, someoneโs here to see you.โย Yordan overenunciated every word.ย โYour granddaughter Annabel. Isnโt that nice?โ
Bel walked into Grandpaโs eyeline, dropping onto the sofa opposite.ย โHi, Paw-Paw, nice to see you.โย She followed suit, leaning hard on every consonant.
โIโll be in the kitchen,โย Yordan told her.ย โYou want anything? Co๏ฌee?โ โIโm OK, thanks.โ
Yordan slipped out, steps silent on the thick carpet, leaving them alone.
Bel hadnโt been alone with Grandpa, not since hisย ๏ฌrst stroke last summer. Dad was always here to take the lead, to step in when Grandpa got confused, to be a familiar face through all the broken memories.
โWarm in here, isnโt it?โย Bel said, starting to sweat. Grandpa made a sound in his throat.
โDid you enjoy the family meal last week, Grandpa?โย she said loudly.ย โThe paella?โ
Grandpa raised a shakyย ๏ฌnger,ย ๏ฌnally looked at her.ย โCharlie?โ
โDadโs not here.โย It wounded her to have to say it.ย โHeโs gone away for a while, remember? Heโll be back real soon, I promise.โ
Grandpa nodded upward instead of down, straining the loose skin of his neck.
โAre you looking forward to your birthday dinner next week?โ
Grandpa stared at her blankly. Maybe sheโd spoken too fast. Or maybe it was as Dad said: Grandpa didnโt remember Bel, she belonged to that lost time. Maybe Rachel did too. Bel knew more than anyone what that was like. Ainโt memory a bitch, huh? Gone was gone, no matter how you asked. But Bel was going to ask anyway; she had to.
โWho are you?โย Grandpa asked her, right on cue.ย โItโs Bel. Annabel. Charlieโs daughter.โ
โRachel?โย Grandpa said, and the hairs picked up on the back of Belโs neck.
โNo. Iโm Rachelโs daughter.โย Strange to state it as simple as that when it was anything but.
Grandpaโs eyes sank down her face.ย โRachel?โ
โRachelโs my mom.โย Bel tried another way, and it felt just as wrong, that forbidden word.ย โDo you remember Rachel?โ
His head moved; not quite a nod, but maybe on the way. Bel would take any sign she could get. It was stupid to pin your hopes on an old man who couldnโt remember, but here we were. The same hopes had been pinned on Bel once, as a baby who could hardly speak.
โRachel disappeared, do you know that?โย Bel asked, slowing down, trapping her hands between her knees.
Aย ๏ฌicker in Grandpaโs eyes. One hand dropped to his lap.ย โCharlie?โ
โYes, Charlieโs wife, Rachel.โ
Grandpa looked over his shoulder, into the hallway. Was he looking for Yordan?
โPaw-Paw?โ
โโฆit was an accident?โย he muttered.ย โNo one meant to kill her.โ
โNo one did kill her, Grandpa,โย Bel said, feeling the heat of frustration and knowing it wasnโt fair.ย โRachelโs back, remember? Youโve seen her.โ
Grandpaโs mouth twitched.
โDo you know where she was before she came back, Grandpa? Did someoneย ๏ฌnd her? Do you remember?โ
Bel needed him to remember.
Grandpa pressed his eyelids together.ย โIโm hungry.โ
โGrandpa, please.โย Bel shifted to the edge of the sofa.ย โTell me what you know about Rachel. I canโt help Dad if you donโt help me.โ
Grandpa stared at her, unfocused, unseeing, mouth moving but no sound.
โRachel?โย she tried one more time. No reaction.
This was pointless and she knew it, so did the knot in her gut, twitching on its strings. Grandpa didnโt know anything, and even if he ever did, it was lost now, along with the rest of his broken memory, along with his two forgotten granddaughters. Je๏ฌย must have read too much into Grandpaโs confused mutterings. Fucking Je๏ฌ, sending her down the wrong way.
โNever mind, Grandpa.โย Bel gave up, wiping the frown o๏ฌย on the back of her hand.ย โIโm sorry.โ
Yordanโs head appeared in the doorway.
โItโll be a few minutes until lunch, Pat,โย he called, glancing over at Bel, a wary look in his dark eyes, a reluctant twist to his pursed lips.
โWhat?โย Bel snapped, scaring it out of him.
โS-sorry.โย He tripped back, stumbled forward.ย โI couldnโt help overhearing.โ
โCouldnโt you?โย she said, disappointment turning stale and angry.
Yordan raised his hands in surrender.ย โSmall house, you were talking loud, wasnโt trying to.โย He moved farther into the room.ย โIโm sorry your grandpa isnโt able to answer your questions, Iโm sure you were trying, werenโt you, Pat?โ
Grandpa grunted.
โCan we talk out here?โย Yordan asked her, thumb over his shoulder.
Bel stood up, followed him into the small kitchen where the microwave burred, Grandpaโs lunch parading under the yellow light.
โSorry.โย He raised his thick eyebrows, making ripples up his forehead.ย โI donโt like talking in front of him like heโs not there. I would say donโt take it to heart, he doesnโt remember me most days either, but heโs not my family. It must be hard.โ
โItโsย ๏ฌne.โย Bel sni๏ฌed. It wasnโt like Grandpa had chosen to forget her.
Choosing to go was much worse: ask Rachel.
โHe gets confused, struggles most with the long-term stu๏ฌ. But you wanted to ask him about Rachel, didnโt you? I thought maybe I could help instead.โ
Bel tilted her head, wordlessly asking him to go on.
โHe does remember Rachel,โย Yordan said, checking the timer on the microwave.ย โMaybe a younger version of her, before she disappeared. He brings her up sometimes. Mostly itโsย โCharlieโs girlfriend, Rachel,โย and that she likes books, that sheโs an English teacher. She actually came around yesterday, for co๏ฌee. Also unannounced.โย Yordan pressed his lips into a toothless smile. Bel wished he wouldnโt; group her and Rachel together like
that.ย โPat did seem familiar with her, like he knew who she was. So that answers one of your questions.โ
The knot stirred in Belโs stomach.ย โRachel was here?โ
Yordan nodded.ย โShe wanted to visit Pat to see how he was getting on without Charlie. Asked to come in for co๏ฌee.โ
โWhat did they talk about?โ
โJust small talk. How the house looked exactly the same the last time Rachel saw it. I made them co๏ฌee, then went to fold laundry, to give them some time alone.โ
โAnd you didnโt hear what they talked about?โย Bel asked.ย โThought it was a small house.โ
โI was upstairs,โย Yordan countered.ย โI only left them forย ๏ฌve minutes. Butโฆโย He paused, screwing his lips again, like he was trying to stop himself.
โYordan?โ
His mouth untwisted.ย โNot saying anything bad, it was just a little strange. I came downstairs and Rachel wasnโt here, where I left her.โย He gestured at the small dining table.ย โYour grandpa was in here with the two co๏ฌees but Rachel wasnโt. I called her name and she didnโt respond.โ
โWhere did she go?โ
An insistent beepย ๏ฌlled the room, blaring three times. Yordanโs attention snapped to the microwave. Bel cleared her throat to bring it back.
โI found her in the living room,โย he said.ย โI asked what she was doing, if she was looking for something, and she said she was just looking to see if anything had changed. Then she thanked me for the co๏ฌeeโwhich she hadnโtย ๏ฌnishedโand she left.โ
A clicking sound in Belโs ear as her jaw locked, back teeth pushing against each other, biting on nothing, biting on something.
โWhere in the living room was she?โ
Yordan turned to the microwave.ย โNear theย ๏ฌreplace, but she left as soon as I entered.โ
โDid she take something?โ
โNo, of course not,โย Yordan hissed, pulling the hot plate of food out of the microwave. Carrots and a slice of chicken potpie.
Bel tried to re-create the scene: theย ๏ฌreplace at the back of the room, beyond the sofa and the bookshelves. She couldnโt think of anything around theย ๏ฌreplace that Rachel would be interested in. It was just a normal living room where a family once lived, now an old man who only remembered half of them.
What had Rachel been trying to do? Because it wasnโt just the sneaking o๏ฌย during the unannounced visit yesterday, was it? No, it was the number of times sheโd asked Bel and Carter about Grandpaโs routine, whether Yordan ever took him out of the house. Both led to the same inevitable conclusion: there was something in this house Rachel wanted, or needed, something she wanted to keep secret. And if it was important to Rachel, then it was important to Bel.
โYordan,โย Bel said, trying to sound sweet, failing immediately.ย โYes?โย Yordan replied, because he didnโt know her well enough.
โI guess my dad didnโt have a chance to tell you this, with everything going on,โย she said, thinking on her feet.ย โBut for Grandpaโs birthday, heโd always take him to Moose Brook State Park. Hiking,ย ๏ฌshing.โย It was a lie; theyโd only done that once their whole life.ย โDad was planning to take him again this year. I know itโs di๏ฌerent, since his stroke, and you couldnโt do the trails, but thereโs the roads around the campground his chair could go on. Itโs supposed to be a nice day tomorrow. I was thinking you could still take him, for an hour or two. A walk, grab some lunch. Grandpa would really like that, I think. Hopefully itโll distract him, from Dad being gone.โย That was the only part Bel didnโt have to fake, the way her eyes overstretched, over๏ฌlled, at the thought of Dad being gone.
Yordan pressed his lips together in a way Bel couldnโt read: she didnโt know him well enough either.ย โIf thatโs what your dad would want,โย he said, or he asked, teetering between the two.
โYes.โย Bel jumped on it.ย โIt is.โย Dad holding everything together, even when he wasnโt here.ย โJe๏ฌย could come too. Grandpa should have one of his boys with him.โ
โOK,โย Yordan said, reluctantly, splitting the word in two, like maybe he knew he was being lied to, but was happy to go along with it because saying no was harder. And Bel would have made saying no very hard indeed.ย โWhat time?โ
โMaybe if you leave at eleven?โย Bel suggested, counting it through, working out the timings.ย โYeah, eleven tomorrow. Iโll tell Je๏ฌย to meet you there.โ
Fuck Uncle Je๏ฌ: heโd been wrong, so now he had plans tomorrow. So did she and Ash.
And Rachel.
Busy, busy day, tomorrow, for all of them.ย โOK, sounds good.โ
โGood,โย Bel said too. Better than good.
โ
โRachel!โย Bel shut the front door behind her, the double click of the catch, like it was ticking down to something.ย โIโm home!โ
Bel waited, listening throughout the house, for the creaks and sighs of a living person. Rachel moved quietly, steps delicate and deadly. Bel was learning more about her every day. The way she walked, the way she blinked when she was tired, the way sheย ๏ฌddled, pressing herย ๏ฌngers against her thumbs when she wasnโt thinking.
Rachel appeared around the corner, soundless, face split with a smile.ย โHaving a good day?โย she asked, stepping back to let Bel into the living
room.
Bel dropped her jacket on the sofa. She was having a great day.ย โItโs OK,โย she said.
Rachel nodded.ย โHey, was Carter OK this morning? Seemed a bit quiet at breakfast.โ
โSheโsย ๏ฌne.โย Bel knew what Rachel was trying to do, trying to use Carter against her, but Bel refused to play her game.ย โThink everyone is just worried about Dad. I miss him,โย she added, playing her own game.
Rachel dropped her eyes,ย ๏ฌddling with the fabric lines in her jeans, pushing denim mountains into valleys, popping down and up.ย โI know, sweetie,โย she said.ย โIโm sorry.โ
Sorry for what, Bel wanted to say, but she knew it would be a mistake.
Rachel couldnโt know that Bel doubted her, not until it was far too late.ย โGrandpa misses him too,โย Bel said, watching her closely.ย โI went to
visit him today and he just keeps saying Charlie, doesnโt understand.โ
Rachel swallowed.ย โMust be hard,โย which might as well have been nothing.
Bel cleared her throat.ย โEspecially with his birthday coming up. Dad normally takes him to Moose Brook for a hike every year. Yordan says heโs going to take Grandpa anyway, as a birthday treat.โย There was a twitch behind Rachelโs eyes, balls rolling under the thin skin of her lids.ย โSupposed to be a nice day tomorrow and thereโs roads his wheelchair can go on. Iโm not going, Grandpa doesnโt remember me, it confuses him, but Je๏ฌโs going. Obviously, it doesnโt replace Dad, butโฆitโs something.โ
Now was Belโs turn to drop her eyes; she didnโt want Rachel to feel watched.
Come on, take the bait, fall into her trap.
This was exactly what Rachel wanted: Grandpa and Yordan out of that house for a couple hours, so she could get inside and do whatever it was she needed to do. Bel would know sheโd fallen for it if she asked what time they were going. Come on, Rachel.
โThatโs a nice idea,โย she said, pressing her thumb to her bottom lip, creating a valley there too.ย โMaybe I should go too. What time are they going?โ
Got her.
Bel tried not to smile.ย โYordan said they were leaving at eleven-thirty.โย Rachel nodded again, small movements like it was absent-minded, but
Bel knew better.
โI might have a doctorโs appointment at twelve,โย she said, making her excuses already.ย โIโll check my calendar.โ
Rachel silently exited to the hallway, heading for the stairs.
After a brief pause, Bel retrieved her phone and messaged Ash:
Got an even tinier camera? One that’s unnoticeable?
The message was promptly delivered and read, with Bel’s anxiety rising as the typing indicator appeared.
Ash’s response came through:
What the hell are we up to now?
“Who’s making you smirk?” Rachel inquired, suddenly back in the room with her own smirk. Bel hadn’t heard her return.
“Nothing. Just Ash,” Bel replied, pocketing her phone, unable to conjure a better excuse.
“The film crew guy?” Rachel’s smirk widened to a grin. “He’s quite handsome.” She winked.
Bel’s cheeks flushed pink. “No, he’s not.” Rachel laughed.
“Shut up, Rachel,” Bel said, joining in the laughter, mirroring Rachel’s mirth.
Rachel’s laughter faded into a sigh, leaving traces of amusement around her eyes. “You know, B-Bel,” she began hesitantly, “I know I’ve only been back for two weeks, and everything must still feel odd for you. But you don’t have to call me Rachel. You can call me Mom.” She fidgeted, pressing her fingertips to her thumbs. “Only if you’re comfortable with it.”
An awkward silence filled the space between them. A boundary had been crossed, leaving Bel uncertain. She toyed with her hair ends. It wasn’t a terrible idea: Bel needed Rachel’s trust to not see the impending end. And it was coming. Tomorrow, Bel would expose her.
Bel cleared her throat, taking a step towards Rachel, crossing the invisible line. “Shall we make dinner together tonight, Ra-M-Mom?”
Rachel beamed.
