BECKETT
Letter #23 Chaos,
It’s been two days since we buried Ryan. You didn’t come, and you haven’t answered my letter. When I asked the guys from your unit if you were okay, at least I assumed by their haircuts they were from your unit, they told me they had no idea who I was talking about.
So yeah, they were from your unit.
If you’re not answering me, and you didn’t come to Ryan’s funeral, then I’m left with one option that I can’t bring myself to ask. Because I don’t know if I could bear it.
You’ve become something I never expected, this silent support who never judges. I didn’t realize just how much I’ve come to depend on you until you weren’t here. And I’m terrified. You told me once that you’re only scared if you have something to lose. And I think, maybe, we do have something to lose.
There’s so much pain right now. So much that I feel like every second I’m awake, I’m at a ten on that little hospital chart. Scratch that, I’m at a nine. I can’t be at a ten, right? Not when I have Colt and Maisie. But it hurts so much.
Ryan. I watched them lower him into the ground on our little island and still can’t put all the pieces together to form a real picture. Everything feels hazy, like some nightmare that I can’t wake up from. But at night I dream Ryan is home, and you show up at my door—a blurry figure I can never quite remember in the morning. Dreams have become the reality I want, and I wake up to the nightmare.
So I’m begging you, Chaos. Don’t be dead. Please be alive. Please don’t tell me that you were there with Ryan, that you met the same fate.
Please tell me that you weren’t buried somewhere at a funeral I was never told about. That I wasn’t robbed of the only chance I’d ever have to stand within a few feet of you.
Please show up in a couple of weeks and tell me you’re fine, that it was too painful to respond to my letters. Tell me you’re broken up over Ryan. Just please show up.
Please don’t be dead.
~ Ella
…
“You’re sure about this?” Donahue asked through the phone.
“I am. You’re holding the paperwork, right?” I unhooked Havoc’s work vest and hung it in her locker, which was right next to mine.
“Yep.” He sighed. “It hasn’t been that long.”
“It’s September,” I said with a laugh. “That means it’s been eighteen months since I went on terminal leave.” Two years since I got Ella’s first letter. “You can’t keep me on the bench forever, coach.”
“I have three more years.”
“Nah. It’s time.” I grabbed my car keys from the hook in my locker and glanced at the pictures that covered the interior door. Hiking with Ella and the kids last month. Camping this summer. Colt after he won his league semifinals. Maisie finally getting to swim in the lake a few months after she’d completed immunotherapy. Ella sitting with Havoc’s head in her lap. Ella and I were still in the friend zone, but they were my family, and this was my home. Getting the full-time slot that opened up a couple of months ago meant my new insurance fully covered Maisie, so all the pieces were finally in place. “I miss you guys. Not going to lie. You were my first family. But I’m never leaving Telluride. We both know it. Hell, Ella broke up with me seven months ago, and I’m still here. I found a home. And besides, Havoc is getting fat.”
She whined and tilted her head at me.
“It’s okay, I like you with a little curve,” I reassured her with a pat, well aware she had no idea what I’d said in the first place. “And it’s only five pounds.”
“Okay. If you’re sure, I’ll accept it. But if anything ever changes, you call me. Understand?”
“Yes, Sir. But nothing’s going to change.”
He sighed. “You’re a good man in a storm, Gentry.” “Funny, that’s not what you said when I was there.” “Can’t have you getting a big head on me. Later.” “Later.” There was a click, and the line was dead.
I slipped my phone into my pocket, and then shut our lockers. Hers read, “HAVOC.”
Mine read, “CHAOS.”
Because under it all, I was still me, and once I’d quit fighting it, I realized I was okay with that.
“Hey, Tess said to haul you home if you need dinner,” Mark offered as I hit the parking lot.
“I would, but Ella called earlier and said the kids want to have dinner, so I’m headed to her place. Tell Tess thanks.”
“Sure thing. How’s that going, anyway?” he asked, just like every other week. He’d become our not-so-silent cheerleader.
“Slowly, but going.”
“Fight the good fight.” He waved as we both got into our vehicles.
Havoc settled into her seat, and I brought the truck to life. We drove home with the windows down, Havoc sticking her head out the window. It was an Indian summer, with temps still in the upper seventies, which meant the hikers were here later than usual for the season but, since Labor Day had passed two weeks ago, it was a little quieter in the lower portion of Telluride.
I hit a button on the dash, and Ella’s voice filled my truck. “Hey, you on your way?”
“Yep. Want me to grab the pizza?”
“That would be amazing.” “I’ll be there soon.”
“Okay. Drive safe.” She hung up, and I smiled. Not together, but we were good. Sure, the sexual tension was still there, and I loved her—that was never going to change—but I was proving myself to Ella every day, and I couldn’t help but hope that one day it would be enough to repair what I’d broken. But hey, I’d lied to her for eleven months, and I was only seven months into my penance.
Truth was, I’d wait forever.
In the meantime, it was like being married without the whole marriage part.
There were days I thought our second chance was within reach, and days she felt a million miles away. But neither of us dated anyone else, and I held on to that tiny sliver of hope that the times I caught her looking at me meant we were getting somewhere.
We had as much time as she needed.
I parked in front of the pizza shop and brought Havoc in with me while they pulled our order. The funny thing about putting down roots was that people knew me. Knew Havoc.
“Here you go, Mr. Gentry,” the Tanners kid said, handing me three boxes. “Hey, Havoc.”
“Good game on Friday,” I told him as I paid. “Thanks! You coming next week?”
“Wouldn’t miss it,” I said as I backed out of the doors with the pizza.
I waved at a couple of people I recognized and put the pizzas in the space between Maisie’s and Colt’s booster seats as Havoc jumped into the passenger seat. The twins would turn eight soon, which meant I’d get a heck of a lot more space back in my truck. I eyed the smashed bag of Oreos in Colt’s cup holder and rolled my eyes.
That boy was going to be the death of me.
A few songs on the radio later, I pulled into Ella’s driveway and popped the doors. Havoc flew, racing to greet the kids.
“Beckett!” Maisie called out, running down the steps.
Her blond hair had grown back with a little curl to it and was now in a bob that lined up with the bottoms of her ears. Six glorious inches of non- chemo-treated hair. We were still holding our breath, watching her blood work and CT scans, but she’d come through immunotherapy with flying colors, and now it was a waiting game while her body fought on its own.
“Hiya, Maisie-girl,” I said and hugged her with my free arm. “How was school?”
“Good! I aced another spelling pretest.”
“Aren’t you just the smarty-pants?” I placed a kiss on the top of her head as we walked up to the porch. “What about you, Colt?”
“I did not,” Colt answered as he pushed his way in to hug me. “Just a pretest, my man. We’ll study, okay?”
He nodded and got the door open for us. “I come bearing food!” I bellowed.
“Ah, the hunter-gatherer returns,” Ella said with a smile as she came out of her office. “Good day?”
“It is now.” My eyes swept down her white sundress, noting her tanned skin, curled hair, and mile-long legs. Damn, I missed her body. Missed the way she gasped in my ear, the way her back arched when I was inside her, the way we lost ourselves to each other. But we weren’t there yet, so I told my dick to settle down and took the pizzas to the kitchen. “That’s a beautiful dress. Anything going on?”
She’d been dressing up a little more lately. With Maisie going in for scans every week, then every other week, Ella had more time for herself, and it showed. Her skin glowed, her eyes were bright, and those were definitely not Yeti legs.
“Oh, well, David Robins did ask me out for tonight.” She ran her hand down my arm and gave me a wide-eyed, way-too-innocent-to-be-serious bat of her lashes. Holy shit, was she actually flirting with me?
Now I was equal parts amused, aroused, and jealous as hell.
I didn’t miss her little grin as the boxes slid from my hands onto the
counter, but I caught them before dinner ended up on the hardwood floor. Oh yeah, my girl was teasing me.
Robins had asked her out every month since we’d broken up. Pretty soon I was going to show up at his house and ask him out with my fist. Stupid pretty boy.
“Oh?” I tried to ask all nonchalant after I stopped fumbling with the boxes.
“Well, I know Jennifer Bennington asked you out when you had lunch with the kids today. She’s been after you since…what, the dawn of time?” She switched sides, running her hand along the small of my back before she looked up at me with a knowing little smirk. She never touched me this much. I didn’t know what had gotten into her, but I’d take it.
“Don’t poke the bear. You know I told her no today. Just like I tell her no every other time and will continue to tell her no.”
She tugged on her bottom lip with her teeth and gave me a look I hadn’t seen in seven months. That look was going to get her on this counter in about ten seconds if she didn’t watch it.
“Ella?”
“What?” She danced around the other side of the island. “Did you just twirl?” Something was up.
“Maybe. I’m in a good mood.”
“Apparently.” I grabbed four plates out of the cabinet. “So I’m guessing you’re not eating with us,” I teased, wanting to see how far she’d go with it. “Why did you tell her no?” Ella asked, sliding up next to me. Her hair was loose down her back, and my fingers itched to weave through it and
feel the strands against my skin.
“You know why.” Yeah, we were good, but she was killing me. Slowly. Torturously. She looked up at me, so damn beautiful that my breath caught. I checked to make sure the kids were still outside before giving her a look of my own. “Because I’m still in love with you.”
I told her at least once a week, let her know that I wasn’t just in this for the kids. Warned her that I wasn’t going anywhere, that our friendship was
great, but I was coming after her heart. I was trying out that whole blatant honesty thing.
Her lips parted, and if this had been eight months ago, I would have kissed her. Would have done a hell of a lot more than kiss her once the kids went to bed. But it wasn’t eight months ago, it was now.
“Well, I told David no, too.” She smiled and spun away.
“And what was your reasoning?” Shit, now I was smiling, too. The woman drove me insane, but yeah, I still loved her with every bone in my body. How could I not?
“You, of course. We have dinner plans, right?” she said from the edge of the kitchen headed for the front door.
It wasn’t a declaration of love. I hadn’t had one of those from her since the night we’d agreed to co-parent. But I was nothing if not patient.
“Dinner!” she called out after opening the door, and there was a rumpus of feet, both two-legged and four-legged.
“I’ve got Havoc!” Colt grabbed her food and filled her dish.
Maisie took plates full of pizza to our respective places at the table. As I watched everyone take their seats and Ella put a glass of sweet tea at the top of my plate, I realized nothing had really changed in our relationship except the physical aspect.
She was still my first phone call when something went right. I was still the one she leaned on when things went wrong.
She was at my side when I’d found out another member of my unit had died last month.
We still sat in the same places at the table.
I carried in Ella’s plate and put it in front of her. “Can I say grace?” Maisie asked as I sat.
“It’s all yours.” We joined hands—mine with Ella and Maisie, and Colt directly across from me—and bowed our heads.
“Our dear Heavenly Father, thank you for our day, and for everything you’ve given us. For our home, and our family: Colt, and Mom, and Beckett, and Havoc. And thank you for Dr. Hughes. But especially, thank
you for making me cancer-free.”
My head snapped up, my eyes flying to Maisie, who grinned at me, missing front teeth and all. She nodded, and I just about lost my shit. I turned to Ella, who had tears streaming down her face.
“No evidence of disease. We got the call today.” Her smile was huge as she laughed. Pure, sheer, unfettered joy.
“No way!” Colt threw up his hands in the classic victory sign. At least I wasn’t the last to know.
I pushed back from the table so fast that my chair crashed to the floor. Then I grabbed Maisie out of her chair and hugged her. She buried her face in my neck, and shudders wracked my body as I held her tight.
She was going to be okay. She’d made it. She was going to live. “Beckett?” she asked.
“Yeah, Maisie-girl?”
“I can’t breathe,” she squeaked.
I laughed and set her down. “We finally get you to live, and now I’m killing you off with my ultra-awesome hugs.”
“My turn!” Colt snatched his sister, and the two jumped and hugged. “Hey,” Ella said from behind me.
I turned around, and she reached for my face, wiping away tears I hadn’t realized were there. Crossing the line, I wrapped my arms around her and pulled her close.
Much to my relief, she melted against me, her head fitting in that exact spot below my collarbone that was hers. She held me tight, her hands splayed on my back, and I rested my chin at the top of her head.
“She’s going to be okay,” I whispered. Ella nodded.
We stood there for long minutes while Colt and Maisie raced around the house shouting and laughing.
“Good surprise?” Ella asked, pulling back just enough to look at me.
“The best possible surprise. Ever.” I cupped her cheek with my hand, letting my thumb caress her perfectly soft skin.
“Food!” the twins called out, breaking our little spell.
We pulled apart and sat back down to the best lukewarm pizza I’d ever had in my life.
…
“Let me do that,” I told Ella, taking over the dishes a couple of hours later. “Colt okay?” she asked, wrapping up the pizza.
“After I read Where the Wild Things Are for the tenth time, he was satisfied,” I told her. “Maisie?”
“Off to sleep without a fuss. I think she’s emotionally exhausted.” She leaned back against the counter and watched me slip the plates into the dishwasher.
“Understandable.” I shut the dishwasher. “I can’t believe it’s over.”
“Yeah. It’s so surreal.” She looked off into space. “I mean, they told me the relapse rates, and they’re high. Really high. So, it could come back. But if she makes it five years, then the chances—”
“Ella,” I interrupted, stepping in front of her and taking her face in my hands. “Take the good. Feel the happy. This is the best kind of good, and you did it. You got her here.”
“You got her here, too.” Her voice softened, and she leaned against my hand.
“Okay, we got her here. So let’s take the happy.” She rose up on her toes and kissed me.
My shock lasted all of a millisecond before I kissed her back. I moved my lips over hers, savoring each touch, because I never knew if I’d get it again. When her lips parted, I took full advantage and deepened the kiss.
Her back hit the counter as my tongue swept into her mouth. Then her hands fisted in my shirt, her whimpers sweet in my ear as the kiss turned explosive. Over and over again I took her mouth, kissing her until she was arched against me, her breasts pressed into my chest.
I ripped my mouth away and stepped back. “Ella.” My breathing was
erratic, my heart thundered, and I was pretty sure if I didn’t readjust myself, I’d be losing my dick to boxer-brief asphyxiation in a matter of minutes.
“Beckett.”
“What are you doing?”
“Taking my happy. You’re my happy.” She stalked forward. “What does this—”
She interrupted me with a soft kiss. “Just be my happy, and let me be yours. We can sort it out tomorrow.”
If I’d been stronger or a little less on an emotional high from Maisie’s recovery, I could have walked away. I could have said no and made her lay out our relationship status. I would have been more careful with my heart.
Three things.
One. I loved her.
Two. She was all I wanted, ever. So if this was all I could have with her, then I wasn’t turning her down. Hell no.
Three. I’d use tonight to remind her exactly why we belonged together so tomorrow all we’d be sorting out would be where we’d live.
I gripped her ass in my hands and lifted her against me, kissing her deep and hard. “Lock your ankles,” I ordered against her mouth.
She did, wrapping her legs around my waist.
I kissed her up the stairs and down the hall, carrying her through the house like she was my ultimate prize. I didn’t stop when I shut the bedroom door and locked it behind us, or when I laid her in the middle of her bed.
She broke the kiss, fumbling with the belt on my jeans as I kicked off my shoes and stripped off my socks. Then my hands moved up her thighs, and my mouth followed, kissing every sensitive spot I knew she had.
“I missed this,” I said against her skin.
“Me, too,” she answered, her hands in my hair as I ran my teeth over her panties. “Beckett.” Her hips rolled in my hands.
I made quick work of her little lace thong and had her dress over her head
—bra following—within a minute max. Then she was naked, spread out before me with open arms and a smile.
Yeah, this was my happy, all right.
I removed the rest of my clothes and then covered her body with my own. “You’re sure?” I asked.
“I’m sure.” She pulled me down for a kiss, and our mouths met in a fury of need. There was nothing gentle about it—this was the result of months and months of denied need and heartache.
I kissed my way down her body as she wiggled beneath me. When I hovered over the apex of her thighs and gripped her hips, her fingernails grazed my scalp. “Please, Beckett.”
If she said my name like that again, I’d be her willing servant for the rest of eternity. Especially if it meant in bed.
I set my mouth to her, and she bucked. I pinned her hips and relentlessly ate at her until she started calling my name again, her head thrashing on the pillow. I’d missed this taste, the way her legs tensed when she was close, the pull of her fingers in my hair as she lost her mind. I drove her upward with my tongue, giving her no pause, no chance to escape what I knew was coming quickly.
When she started to shake, I pushed even harder until she came apart under my mouth, muffling her cry with her own fist. She was the sexiest, most sensual woman I’d ever seen.
When her legs relaxed, I rose above her, taking a second to appreciate the glazed-over sheen to her blue eyes, her kiss-stung lips, and the flush in her cheeks. “You’re beautiful.”
Her smile was slow and somehow more intimate than what I’d just done to her.
“I’d almost forgotten what it was like between us,” she admitted. “Or I told myself I remembered it wrong.”
“Electric.”
“Remind me again.” She drew her knees up, and I hissed as my erection slipped through her wetness to land at her entrance.
“Pill?”
“Never quit, and there’s been no one else.”
“You’ve been it for me since the first letter. Just you. Always you.” I sank into her until she surrounded me. Home. “I love you, Ella.”
She pulled my head to hers, and our mouths were done talking. As urgent as her first orgasm had been, I took my time now, drawing out every stroke, every time we came together only to retreat again. I used every ounce of skill and stamina I possessed to show her the way I felt about her with drugging kisses and slow, deep thrusts.
She met me move for move, our bodies arching together in perfect partnership until we built to a frenzy. When her body tightened around mine as her second climax took her, it was with my name on her lips and my heart in her hands. I followed almost immediately, collapsing on top of her and quickly rolling us to the side so I didn’t crush her.
“Are you okay?” I asked, brushing her hair from her face. I was more than okay. I was perfect. Content. Whole. Home.
She gave me a sleepy stretch with a smile. “Happy. Really, really happy.” “Me, too.”
She rolled again so she was on top, grinning down at me, her hair a curtain that surrounded us. “I bet I can make you even happier.”
Then we started all over again.
