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Chapter no 23

The Last Letter

BECKETT

Letter #22 Chaos,

Ryan is dead. But Iโ€™m sure you already know that. I honestly feel like Iโ€™m just writing it out so it feels real.

Ryan is dead. Ryan is dead. Ryanโ€ฆ

Nothing about it feels right. His body is still in Dover, being prepared for burial, and theyโ€™ve already told me that I canโ€™t see him. In that way, Iโ€™m hoping itโ€™s all a cruel joke, that heโ€™s not really in a box. That I donโ€™t have to figure out where to bury my brother.

My mom. My dad. My grandmother. Ryan. Theyโ€™re all gone, and yet Iโ€™m still here. Is Maisie next? Is this what life really is? One tragedy after another? Or is this simply the way my life is going?

Colt and Maisie are devastated. Colt refused to speak yesterday after I told him, and Maisie hasnโ€™t stopped crying. I, on the other hand, havenโ€™t started crying. Not yet. Iโ€™m terrified that once I start, I wonโ€™t ever stop. Iโ€™ll just be this saltwater fountain who leaks misery.

Ryan was my best friend. My safe harbor in a storm. And now I feel like Iโ€™m out on this endless ocean in the middle of a hurricane, and the waves are just waiting to capsize me and take me under.

I know this sounds crazy, but the only person I want right now is you. Youโ€™re the only person Iโ€™ve been completely honest with these last few months. Youโ€™re the only person who might understand the debilitating, soul-crushing grief that I canโ€™t even begin to fathom. Because I know, as much as you swear you donโ€™t know what family is, Ryan was your brother. He was your family.

Iโ€™m just hoping you come for his funeral, because I know he would have wanted you here. I know I do. And if you canโ€™t come, then I hope youโ€™re not changing your plans. Please come to Telluride. Even if itโ€™s just to get a cup of coffee with me. Please come.

~ Ella

โ€ฆ

I read the letter for the hundredth time or so, and then put it back into my nightstand drawer. Iโ€™d avoided that letter, and the two that had followed, for the last sixteen months, and now it was all I wanted to readโ€”to hear her voice in my head.

If Iโ€™d read it when sheโ€™d sent it, instead of hiding it away, I would have come. I never could have denied her, and everything would have been different. Then again, Ryan would still be dead because of me, so maybe not.

I came down the stairs of my new house to find Havoc napping in the sun that came through the floor-to-second-story windows in my great room. Iโ€™d had a section of the trees cleared so I could see the island that perched in the middle of the tiny lake. Luckily, with the angle my house was at, I couldnโ€™t see Ellaโ€™s house.

Maybe I was torturing myself keeping Ryanโ€™s grave in sight, but knowing Ella was this close and so damn far was way worse. It had been over a month since sheโ€™d walked out of my cabin. My things had arrived that afternoon. My entire role in Ellaโ€™s life came down to four moving boxes.

As breakups went, Iโ€™d expected screaming, shrieking, throwing things at me for what Iโ€™d done, but her stoic silence was worse. Sheโ€™d accepted that we were done, and now I had to move on without her and the kids.

God, I missed the kids. Falling for Ella had tied me to them in a way that was both a blessing and a curse. A blessing for all they taught me, for the love I hadnโ€™t realized Iโ€™d even been able to feel. A curse because Ella cut off all my access, as was her right. She didnโ€™t trust me, and that extended to

the kids. Her heart was broken over me, but my heart was shattered over the loss of all three of them.

I sighed at the sight of my empty living room. I really needed to buy some furniture. I had the bedroom covered, and most of the kitchen stuff was being delivered daily, thanks to Amazon.com. But the rest of the furniture just didnโ€™t seem important, because this was my house but for some reason didnโ€™t feel like my home.

My phone rang as I opened the fridge to figure out some lunch.

โ€œGentry,โ€ I answered, wondering who had gotten themselves lost this time. As spring came to the area, more hikers were showing up and getting altitude sickness, or lost, or breaking their bones in inconvenient locations.

โ€œMr. Gentry? Iโ€™m so sorry to bother you. This is Principal Halsen over here at the elementary school. I happen to have Colton in the office.โ€

My stomach lurched. โ€œIs he okay? Is he hurt?โ€ Why were they calling

me?

โ€œNo, no. Nothing like that. He actually got into an altercation today with a classmate and needs to go home.โ€

โ€œA fight?โ€ No way. Not Colt. Sure, the kid got fired up, but Iโ€™d never seen him get violent unless it was over Maisie.

โ€œYep, a fight.โ€

โ€œWhoa. Did you call his mom?โ€

โ€œWe tried, but sheโ€™s not answering, and Colt told us that sheโ€™s in Montrose for one of Margaretโ€™s therapies. I was hoping you might be able to come pick him up.โ€

I pulled the phone away from my ear and checked the number, just to make sure I wasnโ€™t being pranked. โ€œPick him up?โ€ I asked slowly.

โ€œYes. Policy demands that he go home for the day, and youโ€™re the second name on his emergency contact sheet.โ€

Shit. Ella hadnโ€™t updated the kidsโ€™ information yet. Which meant I might get to see Colt. I slammed the door on my excitement. Ella didnโ€™t want me to see him, and I had no right to. โ€œIs anyone else on the list?โ€

โ€œOnly Ada and Larry, and from what Iโ€™m being told, theyโ€™re on vacation

in Glenwood Springs for a few days.โ€ Which left me.

โ€œYeah, Iโ€™ll be there in twenty minutes.โ€ He thanked me, and we hung up.

I hesitated for a second, my finger hovering over Ellaโ€™s name on my contacts list, but I manned up and clicked the phone icon. It went straight to voicemail, not that I was surprised. Iโ€™d tried to call a few times that first week and had the same result. Ella was done with me. Sheโ€™d told me that lies were her hard limit, and she meant it.

โ€œHey, Ella, itโ€™s Beckett. Look, the school just called, and I guess Colt got into a fight and needs to be picked up. Iโ€™m the only one on his list, so Iโ€™m going to grab him. Let me know if you want me to drop him at the main house at Solitude or bring him up to Montrose. If I donโ€™t hear from you, Iโ€™ll just bring him back to my house. I know you donโ€™t want me to see him, but this is a little out of my control, so Iโ€™m hoping youโ€™ll understand. Thanks.โ€ I hung up and rested the phone against my forehead. Even hearing the message on her voicemail was torture.

I left Havoc sleeping in the sunshine and headed out, driving along the dirt road that cut through the property. Within twenty minutes, I pulled up to the school. With all the butterflies in my stomach, I would have thought I was the one about to get it from the principal. Instead, I was about to get it from Colt.

I walked through the doors and signed the clipboard, then looked up at the receptionist. โ€œHi, Iโ€™m Beckett Gentry, Iโ€™m here to pick upโ€”โ€

โ€œColton MacKenzie,โ€ the young woman said with a smile. โ€œI know who you are. We all do.โ€ She nodded toward a few other women who gathered around the desk behind her.

โ€œAh, okay. So, can I get him?โ€ โ€œOh, sure! Iโ€™ll buzz you in.โ€

The buzzer sounded, and I walked into the school. The last time Iโ€™d been here had been with Ella for Coltโ€™s first grade play a couple of months ago. As recent as it felt, it also seemed like someone elseโ€™s memory.

โ€œThis way,โ€ the receptionist said, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear and giving me a flirtatious smile. โ€œIโ€™m Jennifer, in case you donโ€™t remember.โ€

โ€œJennifer, right. We met last year, right?โ€ She led me into the administration offices.

โ€œYep! When you came in for search and rescue with your dog. I may have slipped you my number when you signed in.โ€

โ€œYes, I do remember that.โ€ I tried to force a smile. Ella and I hadnโ€™t been together then, but it hadnโ€™t mattered, and I hadnโ€™t called Jennifer. โ€œIโ€™m sorry for not calling. I hope there are no hard feelings.โ€

Jennifer touched my arm just outside the principalโ€™s door. โ€œNone. I was so sorry to hear that you and Ella broke up. If you ever need anything, or just want to talk, Iโ€™m happy to give you my number again, just in case.โ€

Oh boy.ย She looked so hopeful, and uncomplicated, and not Ella. โ€œThanks, Iโ€™llโ€ฆkeep that in mind.โ€ It was the best I could do without

offending her.

โ€œYou do that.โ€ She smiled again.ย A lot of smiling.ย I bet she was happy most of the time. That she wasnโ€™t fighting to keep her kid alive, or dealing with the death of her brother and the betrayal of the man she loved. She was all shiny, like a new penny.

But in the last eighteen months, Iโ€™d learned that I liked a little bit of tarnish. It gave depth to the lines and made the shiny parts all the more eye- catching. Ella was beyond beautiful for what sheโ€™d been through. Tragedy hadnโ€™t broken her, it had refined her.

Jennifer knocked and opened the door to the principalโ€™s office, and I entered, my eyes immediately locking onto Coltโ€™s.

His flew impossibly wide.

โ€œPrincipal Halsen,โ€ I addressed the administrator, who motioned to the empty chair beside Colt.

I took it, sitting next to a very rigid Colt. Every line of his little body was tense, and his mouth was all pursed up. His hand gripped the armrest, and I reached over, giving him a reassuring squeeze. His posture softened the

slightest bit, but it was enough.

โ€œMr. Gentry. Iโ€™m so sorry to call you in here, but in this kind of incident when thereโ€™s violence, we do need to send him home.โ€

โ€œCan you tell me what happened?โ€ I asked Colt. โ€œHe attacked a classmateโ€”โ€

โ€œIโ€™d like to hear it from him, first, if thatโ€™s okay,โ€ I interrupted Principal Halsen.

โ€œWe were on the playground, and Drake Cooper wouldnโ€™t leave Emma alone. She doesnโ€™t like him.โ€ Colt kept his eyes forward. โ€œShe told him to leave, and he wouldnโ€™t, and he tried to kiss her.โ€

Drake.ย Recognition hit me. Letter number three.

โ€œIs this the same kid who went after Maisie with that kiss-tag stuff?โ€ I asked. It was the first time Iโ€™d ever used something only Chaos would have known. Of course, Colt didnโ€™t know that, didnโ€™t realize that as I sat next to him. I felt an odd merging of the guy who had written those letters and the man who had adopted Colt.

โ€œYeah. I guess he didnโ€™t learn.โ€ โ€œGuess not.โ€

Principal Halsen gave me a disapproving look, which I blatantly ignored. โ€œSo I pulled him away and hit him,โ€ Colt finished with a shrug. โ€œHe tried

to hit me back, but I dodged.โ€ โ€œNice,โ€ I said with a nod. โ€œHeโ€™s slow.โ€ Another shrug.

โ€œMr. Gentry, as you can see, your son instigated violence in an unprovoked attack. Heโ€™ll be sent home today and suspended tomorrow. We have to send a message that this kind of violence isnโ€™t tolerated.โ€

โ€œIโ€™m not his son,โ€ Colt whispered.

Yeah, you are.

โ€œRight, sorry, Colt,โ€ Principal Halsen corrected and sent me another pointed look. He knew about the adoption from the records point of view.

โ€œI have no problem with taking Colt home or him being suspended. Youโ€™re right, he did swing first. But my question is what youโ€™re going to do

about Drake.โ€

Coltโ€™s head swung toward me in shock. โ€œIโ€™m sorry?โ€ Principal Halsen asked.

โ€œMy guess is that youโ€™ve told Colt heโ€™s purely at fault here, right? After all, he swung, he did what you thought was escalating violence.โ€

โ€œHe is in the wrong.โ€

โ€œMaybe. But so is Drake. And he was already in the middle of an act of violence, which Colt stopped.โ€

โ€œIโ€™d hardly call playground antics like that violence,โ€ Principal Halsen scoffed. โ€œDrake has been told that his actions are unacceptable. But you know how little boys with crushes are, Iโ€™m sure.โ€

I glanced at Colt, who had the same look on his face Ella did when she was about to blow a gasket.

โ€œActually, I do. They act like Colt and protect the girls they like. What the other kid did, whether or not you see it, is wrong. And sure, you can brush it off as a playground antic, like Iโ€™m sure youโ€™ve done for the last thirty years youโ€™ve been at this school. The problem isnโ€™t this one time; itโ€™s the pattern. You did nothing last year when it was Maisie. Now weโ€™re here, and that kid is another year older. So sure, I can take Colt home and give him a stern talking to about when itโ€™s appropriate to use force. But Iโ€™ll probably end up showing him how to throw a better punch, because one day that other kid will be sixteen, and it wonโ€™t be just playground kisses heโ€™s taking by force.โ€

Principal Halsen dropped his jaw, and I stood. โ€œThank you for bringing this to my attention. Iโ€™ll be sure his mother takes appropriate action. Colt? Ready to go? I think ice cream is in order.โ€

Colt nodded, scooting off the chair and swinging his backpack over his shoulder. We walked out of the office, through the double set of doors, and into the brisk March air. Colt was silent as we climbed into the truck and he buckled into his booster seat.

I hadnโ€™t removed it in the last month. That action seemed more permanent than when Ella had walked out of the cabin.

โ€œYour mom hasnโ€™t called,โ€ I said as I checked my phone. โ€œSheโ€™s in Montrose with Maisie,โ€ Colt answered.

โ€œYeah. Who is taking care of you since Ada and Larry are on vacation?โ€ I pulled out of the parking lot and headed toward Solitude. Traffic wasnโ€™t too bad this time of day, but as soon as the sun went down, it would be mayhem as usual during tourist season.

The fact that Iโ€™d now lived somewhere long enough to recognize there was such a thing as tourist season was a revelation.

โ€œHailey.โ€

โ€œOkay, want me to run you by the main house?โ€ I looked in the rearview mirror, but he was staring out the window. โ€œColt?โ€

โ€œI donโ€™t care.โ€

Iโ€™d never had three words cut me that quickly before. Of course he was mad at me. He had every right to be. โ€œWell, I left your mom a message that if she didnโ€™t call me back, Iโ€™d take you to my house. Is that cool? Or would you rather go to Hailey?โ€

This was a catch-22, and I knew it. More than anything, I wanted a few hours with him. I needed to know how he was, what was new in his life, if heโ€™d made the spring league soccer team. I missed the twins just as much as I missed Ella. But I also knew this was against Ellaโ€™s wishes, and I couldnโ€™t just steal these hours.

โ€œHow far away do you live?โ€ he asked, still watching the scenery go by. โ€œI canโ€™t get on a plane or anything. Mom would be really mad.โ€

My heart lurched. โ€œBud, I still live in Tellurideโ€”โ€

โ€œYou do? I just thoughtโ€ฆโ€ He shook his head. โ€œI guess we can go to your house, that way you didnโ€™t lie to my mom. She gets really mad if you lie.โ€

I knew Ella was the kind of mom who wouldnโ€™t go into that much detail of why we werenโ€™t together anymore, but those words hit home just the same. โ€œYou sure?โ€

He nodded. โ€œHaileyโ€™s working, and the sub cook doesnโ€™t like kids around. Ada doesnโ€™t like her, anyway. And if itโ€™s okay, Iโ€™d really like to see Havoc.โ€ His tone was flat, as if heโ€™d been deciding between broccoli and cauliflower

on his plate.

โ€œYeah. Sheโ€™d like that, too. So would I. I miss you, buddy.โ€ โ€œOkay.โ€ He scoffed.

โ€œI do, Colt.โ€

He didnโ€™t respond, and continued the silent treatment until we pulled onto the dirt road that began just on the edge of the Solitude property.

โ€œWhere are we going?โ€ he asked. โ€œMy house.โ€

He leaned toward the window, checking out the property. โ€œYou live back here?โ€

โ€œI do.โ€ We pulled into the small clearing where the house was built, and Coltโ€™s head swiveled.

โ€œYou live on the other side of the lake?โ€

โ€œYep. Pretty cool, right?โ€ I pulled into the garage and killed the engine. โ€œSure.โ€ Colt grabbed his backpack and was to the house before I was.

I opened the door, and he flew inside, dropping to his knees where the mudroom met the kitchen and throwing his arms around Havoc.

She whined, her tail thumping on the floor as she laid her head on his shoulder, then the other. โ€œI know. I missed you, too, girl,โ€ Colt said, rubbing behind her ears. โ€œItโ€™s okay.โ€

I donโ€™t know who was killing me more at the moment: Colt with his soft words or Havoc with her whines. Sheโ€™d been the same way when Maisie came home from mega-chemo in December.

โ€œIโ€™ve got ice cream in the freezer,โ€ I offered.

โ€œNah. Iโ€™m good. Letโ€™s play!โ€ He ditched his bag after grabbing his jacket, and Havoc led him out the front door, her Kong already in her mouth.

I followed and sat on the front porch steps as Colt threw the toy on the shore of the lake. He was only thirty feet away, but man, heโ€™d frozen me out so efficiently that it felt like miles.

After a few minutes, I walked toward them. โ€œYou like it?โ€ I asked.

โ€œYou canโ€™t see my house from here,โ€ he said with another shrug.

โ€œNope, itโ€™s behind the island.โ€

โ€œIs that why you forgot about me?โ€ He flung the ball down the shore.

Yeah, I wasnโ€™t going to survive a few hours with him at this rate. Ella would find me dead, Colt holding the shredded remains of my heart.

โ€œI never forgot you, Colt. That would be impossible.โ€

Havoc brought him the Kong, and he threw it harder, the motion more anger than exercise. โ€œYeah, right.โ€

โ€œColt.โ€ I dropped to my knees and turned him toward me, then took a huge breath to steady myself. He had twin tear tracks down his cheeks. โ€œI did not forget you.โ€

โ€œThen why havenโ€™t you seen us? One day I went to school, and when I came home, Mom said you guys werenโ€™t friends anymore, and that was it.โ€

โ€œBud, itโ€™s complicated.โ€ I put my hands on his shoulders.

โ€œThatโ€™s what grown-ups say when they donโ€™t want to explain stuff.โ€ He blinked, and another set of angry tears dropped.

โ€œYou know what? Youโ€™re right. Relationships between grown-ups are really hard to explain, but Iโ€™ll try. I messed up. You got that? Not your mom. This isnโ€™t her fault, itโ€™s mine. And I messed up so big that we broke up.โ€

โ€œBut you didnโ€™t break up with me!โ€ he shouted. โ€œOr Maisie! You just disappeared! And when I snuck out to see you, you were already gone. You left without a goodbye, or a reason.โ€

โ€œIโ€™m right here,โ€ I promised, my throat tightening, nearly choking my words.

โ€œBut I didnโ€™t know that! You said you loved me and that we were friends.

Friends donโ€™t do that.โ€

โ€œYouโ€™re right. Colt, Iโ€™m so sorry.โ€ I put every ounce of emotion I had into my words, hoping heโ€™d realize how true they were. โ€œI have missed you every single day. There hasnโ€™t been a minute when I havenโ€™t wanted to see you, or talk to you. What happened between your mom and me doesnโ€™t mean that I donโ€™t love you and Maisie. Itโ€™s justโ€ฆโ€ Why werenโ€™t there words for this? Why couldnโ€™t I explain things to him without placing blame

on Ella? It wasnโ€™t her fault. It was mine. โ€œComplicated,โ€ he finished.

โ€œYeah. Complicated.โ€

His anger faded, his mouth drooping into a profound, lip-trembling sadness. โ€œI justโ€ฆI kind of thought you were my dad. Or maybe you would be one day. And then you were gone.โ€

This time his tears destroyed me. I yanked him against my chest, wrapping my arms around him. โ€œMe, too, Colt. Nothing would have made me happier than to be your dad. You are the best little boy I could have ever imagined having. This isnโ€™t your fault. Itโ€™s not your momโ€™s fault. Itโ€™s my fault. So if you want to be mad, thatโ€™s okay, but you have to be mad at me. No one else. Promise?โ€

โ€œI donโ€™t want to be mad.โ€ He cried into my shirt. โ€œI want you to fix it!โ€ โ€œI wish I could. But there are some things too broken to fix.โ€

He pulled back and glared at me. โ€œMaisie was really broken, and you and Mom fix her. And she gets sick, and she cries, but Mom says sheโ€™ll get better if she fights, and then it will all be worth it.โ€

โ€œI know.โ€ I was usually really good at kid logic, but he was stumping me here.

โ€œSo you canโ€™t be more broken than Maisie and not try to fix it. You donโ€™t see Maisie giving up, and itโ€™s been forever.โ€ He dragged out the last word. โ€œYou and Mom broke in a day.โ€

โ€œI really wish it was that simple, Colt.โ€

โ€œSo does Maisie. But sheโ€™s brave enough to try.โ€

I was seriously getting schooled in relationships by a seven-year-old. โ€œYou know who you sound like right now?โ€

He raised his eyebrows but didnโ€™t answer. โ€œYour Uncle Ryan. Just like him.โ€

He looked out at the island and back to me. โ€œOkay. So are you going to try to fix it? Or are you giving up?โ€

Everything to Colt was so easy. He hadnโ€™t seen the worst of humanity yet, what people were capable of doing to one another. Hadnโ€™t seen what Iโ€™d

done to his mom. Didnโ€™t know that Iโ€™d cost him his uncle. I loved Ella even more in that moment for not turning them against me.

โ€œI can try, buddy. For you and Maisie, I can try.โ€ Iโ€™d respected Ellaโ€™s wish to disappear. Having taken away all her other choices, that seemed like the best way to honor her. Besides, it wasnโ€™t like I deserved a second chance. But what if Iโ€™d made a mistake? What if I should have pushed?

She would have pushed you right back.

โ€œGood. Apologize. Girls like that.โ€ He gave me a nod and a pat on my shoulder.

โ€œIโ€™ll keep that in mind. Anything else?โ€

His forehead puckered for a moment, and then he gave me a smirk. โ€œThey like it when you fight for them, too.โ€

Man, I loved this kid.

โ€œEmmaโ€™s the one, huh?โ€ From what I remembered of Coltโ€™s birthday party, sheโ€™d been cute, kind, and smart, with big brown eyes and curly black hair a few shades darker than her complexion.

โ€œSheโ€™s got pretty skin.โ€ He nodded for emphasis.

I joined in on the nod, managing not to chuckle. โ€œYou tell her that?โ€

โ€œNo!โ€ He looked around for a second, pondering. โ€œMaybe when weโ€™re twelve.โ€

โ€œPlaying the long game, gotcha.โ€ I stood as he turned and threw the Kong for Havoc again, who had been waiting patiently. โ€œI think what you did for her today was pretty awesome. Itโ€™s always good to protect smaller people. Maybe less hitting, though.โ€

He nodded. โ€œI got really mad.โ€

โ€œYeah, I get that, too. But thatโ€™s a big part of being a man, knowing your strength and controlling your anger.โ€

โ€œIโ€™m seven.โ€

I almost laughed, realizing Iโ€™d been in his life long enough to hear him preachย Iโ€™m six.

โ€œNot for long. You could have just pulled him off, and the result wouldnโ€™t have been as satisfying but just as effective. Plus, no principal time.โ€

โ€œIโ€™ll keep that in mind,โ€ he said, echoing my words from earlier.

โ€œSo what do you think about the house?โ€ Iโ€™d built it for him, for Maisieโ€ฆ for Ella. Ironically, weโ€™d broken up right before I could surprise her with it.

Or maybe I just should have told her from the beginning, like everything else.

He looked up at the house, his brows drawn in appraisal. โ€œItโ€™s good. I like it.โ€

โ€œIโ€™m glad to hear it.โ€

โ€œIt needs a tree house.โ€ He pointed over to a gathering of pine trees. โ€œRight there would be good.โ€

โ€œNoted.โ€

โ€œAnd a zip line.โ€

โ€œNot going to give up on that one, are you?โ€

โ€œNever!โ€ He took off, chasing Havoc down the beach as my phone rang.

Ella.

โ€œHey,โ€ I answered.

โ€œWhat happened to Colt?โ€ she asked, her voice pitched. โ€œIโ€™m so sorry, I donโ€™t have service in that wing of the hospital, and I missed all the calls and now school is closed. What a mess.โ€

Her voice slid through me, soothing and cutting in one graceful move. โ€œItโ€™s okay.โ€ I cleared my throat, hoping to clear the gravel sound out.

โ€œI canโ€™t believe you went all the way there. How far away were you?โ€ โ€œMaybe ten minutes?โ€

โ€œWait. Youโ€™re still in Telluride?โ€ โ€œI told you I wouldnโ€™t leave.โ€

Her breathing pattern changed multiple times, like she would start to say something and then change her mind.

โ€œSo, Drake tried to kiss Emma,โ€ I said, โ€œand Colt went after him.โ€ She groaned. โ€œWhat a jerk. Drake, I mean. Not Colt.โ€

โ€œYeah, I know. I might have caused a little drama with the principal, though. I told him it was partially their fault for not putting a stop to it when it happened with Maisie.โ€

โ€œRight? They let that kid get away with murder. Wait, how did youโ€ฆ?โ€ I heard her slight intake of breath as she realized how I knew.

โ€œYour third letter.โ€ I felt the tone of our call change as my sins barged in between us, but I didnโ€™t back away from it. โ€œI told Colt it was great to stand up for the girl you like, but maybe a little less hitting.โ€

โ€œYeah. True.โ€

Silence stretched between us, sad and heavy with the things weโ€™d already said last month.

โ€œSo, heโ€™s playing with Havoc right now, but I can take him to Hailey if you want. Heโ€™s suspended tomorrow.โ€

โ€œCrap, Iโ€™m not due home until tomorrow afternoon, and Haileyโ€™s watching him while Ada and Larry are away, but sheโ€™s working all day tomorrow. I donโ€™t mind him at the main house, butโ€”โ€

โ€œBut the cook subbing in for Ada isnโ€™t a big fan of kids. Colt told me.โ€

โ€œYeah, sheโ€™s kind of mean. But really good, too.โ€ She sighed, and I could picture her smoothing her hair back, her eyes darting from side to side, trying to figure out what to do.

โ€œI can keep him with me. I have the room, and Iโ€™d love nothing more than to hang out with him. But I understand completely if you donโ€™t want that, and Iโ€™d be willing to bring him to Montrose, too.โ€ย Or slice my heart open and bleed out, whatever youโ€™d like.

A few seconds of silence passed, and I almost took it back, hating that Iโ€™d put her in that kind of position.

โ€œThat would be nice, and Iโ€™m sure heโ€™d love it. Heโ€™s really missed you.โ€ Her voice dropped to a whisper. โ€œMaisie, too.โ€

โ€œIโ€™ve missed them, too. Itโ€™sโ€ฆitโ€™s been hard.โ€

Iโ€™ve missed you every second, so much it hurts to breathe.

โ€œYeah.โ€

More silence. I would have given anything to see her in that moment, to hold her, to fall at her feet and make whatever sacrifice she demanded.

โ€œLook, Iโ€™ll call Solitude and let Hailey know, and Iโ€™ll be there around five tomorrow. Is that okay?โ€

โ€œNo problem.โ€

โ€œThank you, and Iโ€™m glad youโ€™re still here, I mean there. In Telluride.

Okay. Bye, Beckett.โ€

โ€œElla.โ€ I couldnโ€™t bear to say goodbye, even if just for a phone call.

The line went dead, and I looked over at Colt. I had twenty-four hours with him. I did what any rational man would. I called in to work and made the most of every minute.

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