EVERY DAY, I GOT UP REALLY EARLY AND HOBBLED over to
my truck that was sitting in the garage. I backed it up into the driveway. There was a whole universe waiting to be discovered in a pickup truck. Sitting in the driverโs seat made everything seem possible. It was strange to feel those moments of optimism. Strange and beautiful.
Turning on the radio and just sitting there was my version of praying.
My mom came out one morning and took a picture of me. โWhere are you going to go?โ she asked.
โTo school,โ I said.
โNo,โ she said. โThatโs not what I meant. The first time you get to drive that thing, where are you going to take it?โ
โThe desert,โ I said. I didnโt tell her I wanted to go out and look at all the stars.
โBy yourself?โ โYup.โ I said.
I knew she wanted to ask me if I was making any new friends at school.
But she didnโt. And then her eyes fell on my cast. โWhoโs Ileana?โ โSome girl.โ
โIs she pretty?โ
โToo pretty for me, Mom.โ โSilly boy.โ
โYeah, silly boy.โ
That night I had a bad dream. I was driving down a street in my pickup. Ileana was sitting right next to me. I looked over and smiled at her. I didnโt see him, Dante, standing in the middle of the road. I couldnโt stop. I couldnโt stop. When I woke up, I was drenched in sweat.
In the morning, as I sat in my truck and drank a cup of coffee, my mom came out of the house. She sat on the steps of the porch. She patted the step next to her. She watched me as I awkwardly got down from my truck. Sheโd stopped hovering.
I made my way toward her and sat next to her on the front steps. โCasts come off next week,โ she said.
I smiled. โYeah.โ
โThen therapy,โ she said. โThen driving lessons,โ I said.
โYour fatherโs looking forward to teaching you.โ โYou lost the coin toss?โ
She laughed. โBe patient with him, okay?โ
โNot a problem, Mom.โ I knew that she wanted to talk to me about something. I could always tell.
โYou miss Dante?โ
I looked at her. โI donโt know.โ โHow can you not know?โ
โWell, look, Mom, itโs, well, Dante, heโs like you. I mean, he hovers sometimes.โ
She didnโt say anything.
โI like being alone, Mom. I know you donโt get that about me, but I do.โ
She nodded and it seemed like she was really listening. โYou were screaming his name last night,โ she said.
โOh,โ I said. โIt was just a dream.โ โBad?โ
โYeah.โ
โYou want to talk about it?โ โNot really.โ
She gave me that nudge, the cโmon humor your mom nudge. โMom? Do you ever have bad dreams?โ
โNot often.โ
โNot like me and Dad.โ
โYou and your father, youโre fighting your own private wars.โ
โMaybe so. I hate my dreams.โ I could feel my mom listening to me. She was always there. I hated her for that. And loved her. โI was driving my truck and it was raining. I didnโt see him standing in the middle of the road. I couldnโt stop. I couldnโt.โ
โDante?โ
โYeah.โ
She squeezed my arm.
โMom, sometimes I wished I smoked.โ โIโll take the truck away.โ
โWell, at least I know whatโs going to happen to me when I break the rules.โ
โDo you think Iโm mean?โ
โI think youโre strict. Too strict sometimes.โ โIโm sorry.โ
โNo youโre not.โ I clutched at my crutches. โSomeday, Iโm going to have to break some of your rules, Mom.โ
โI know,โ she said. โTry to do it behind my back, will you?โ โYou can bet on that, Mom.โ
We both sat there and laughed. Like Dante and I used to do. โIโm sorry about your bad dreams, Ari.โ
โDid Dad hear?โ โYes.โ
โIโm sorry.โ
โYou canโt help what you dream.โ
โI know. I didnโt mean to run over him.โ โYou didnโt. It was just a dream.โ
I didnโt tell her that I hadnโt been paying attention. Iโd been looking at a girl when I should have been driving. And thatโs why I ran over Dante. I didnโt tell her that.