Mom is sitting at the kitchen table when I come downstairs the next evening, crutch leaning on the wall beside her. The sun streaks through the back door, but she hasnโt turned on a light, so itโs dim in the kitchen, her phone screen the only bright spot. Her gaze is downcast, and Benโs voice plays softly from her phone.
She looks up at me and quickly pauses the podcast. I pick up my purse from the hook on the door.
โWhere do you go every night?โ she asks. โYou donโt want to know.โ
She presses her lips together and considers that for a moment. She nods. โYou really published three books without telling me?โ she asks.
โYouโve never been good at keeping secrets.โ
She lets out a loud, short laugh. I guess that means she disagrees. โYou wouldnโt like them anyway,โ I say.
โWhy not?โ
โYouโre a literary snob. Theyโre not literary.โ
She sniffs. โWell, I barely read at all anymore, but I do prefer good literature when I make the time. Thereโs nothing wrong with that.โ
โI didnโt say there was.โ I wanted to say it, though. She squints at me like she knows that.
โYouโve listened to the episode about Nina?โ she asks. โYeah.โ
โYou canโt do this to that poor woman.โ Her voice cracks a little.
โIโmย not doing anything to her. Ben doesnโt consult me about what to put in the podcast.โ A lie, but itโs true that heโs not consulting me about Nina.
โHeโs implying she did it.โ
โHeโs implied that a lot of people did it. Itโs irresponsible all around.
Nina isnโt special.โ
โMatt deserved it.โ Her tone is harsh, and Iโm actually a little touched. I didnโt realize she gave a shit. โYour father and I โฆ maybe we deserved it too. And Colinโs too dumb to care.โ
โAgreed.โ
โBut Nina doesnโt deserve to have her whole life put on display. So what if she didnโt like Savvy? The girl theyโre talking about on that podcast bears little resemblance to the actual woman. She wasnโt actually very nice.โ
I say nothing to that, because itโs true. Savvy was often kind, but she often wasnโt. Certainly not in high school.
โNinaโs got two kids. A boyfriend, who is a significant upgrade from her ex-husband, who seemed like a real asshole to me. She doesnโt deserve this.โ
โAndย Iย do?โ
Her gaze shifts to mine. She doesnโt need to answer that.
โI canโt stop Ben from saying stupid shit on his podcast,โ I say. โBut just wait an episode or two. Heโs probably going to end the whole thing by saying he thinks I did it.โ
Her eyebrows shoot up. โWhat?โ
โHeโs got a whole ending written out summarizing his theory about how I killed her. This is just some โฆ I donโt know. Heโs exploring every angle. Or just trying to get every dime of advertiser money that he can.โ
โBut heโs pointing the finger at Nina anyway?โ She looks outraged. โI like how thatโs the part that upsets you,โ I say dryly.
โOh Lucy, give me a break,โ she snaps. I blink. โDoes he have any hard evidence?โ
My chest seizes as I consider the possibility. Would he have told me if he did? I doubt it. โI donโt โฆ I have no idea. I donโt see how he could.โ
She blows out a breath. โOkay. Good. Thatโs all that matters. They canโt charge you unless he uncovers something new.โ
I open my mouth to ask her why sheโs always been so convinced I did it. I havenโt asked in years, and when I did, I bitterly screamed it, so maybe it doesnโt count. I didnโt actually expect an answer then.
I close my mouth. I donโt want one now either. I donโt want to know whether she just has a low opinion of me or she actually knows something. Just the thought makes me want to vomit.
I turn and walk quickly out of the house.
Listen for the Lie Podcast with Ben Owens
EPISODE 7โโTHE TRUTH ABOUT LUCYโ
Ben:ย Matt and Mrs. Harper have mentioned that your father was extremely protective of you right after Savannahโs death. He wouldnโt let people speak to you without being present. Is that correct?
Lucy:ย Yes. He wouldnโt leave the room, even if I asked him to.
Ben:ย Do you know why?
Lucy:ย Yeah. He thought I killed Savvy. He was trying to protect me, I guess.
Ben:ย He said that directly? He thought you killed Savvy?
Lucy:ย Notย exactly, but it was obvious he thought I did it. He said โฆ Let me try and get it right. He said, โI donโt need to know what happened, I just need you to know that Iโm on your side.โ And he said, โIf you suddenly remember anything, do not say a word to anyone until you talk to me.โ
Ben:ย What was your reaction to that?
Lucy:ย I was confused and honestly kind of devastated. I didnโt understand why he thought I was capable of killing anyone, much less Savvy. On the one hand, it was nice that his first reaction was to protect me, but on the other hand, why wasnโt the reaction disbelief? Why didnโt he immediately say to me, โI know you could never do this. I know youโre not capable of this.โ Neither of my parents said that to me.
Ben:ย Youโre aware that Ivy said your mom acted like she knew what happened a few days after Savannahโs death? She said your mom said that sheโd make it right.
Lucy:ย I wasnโt aware of that until I listened to her interview.
Ben:ย So, you donโt know why she would have said that?ย Lucy:ย If she knows something, she didnโt share it with me.ย Ben:ย How about Matt? How did he act after you got home?
Lucy:ย He acted like he was scared of me. He asked me to go to my parentsโ house.
Ben:ย Can you elaborate? How did he act scared?
Lucy:ย He didnโt want to come near me. I remember him standing by the door, this pleading look in his eyes. He looked genuinely frightened.
Ben:ย So both your husband and your parents immediately thought you killed Savannah?
Lucy:ย They never said it directly, but, yes.
Ben:ย What did that do to you? Emotionally, I mean.
Lucy:ย It certainly didnโt help.
Ben:ย Can you expand on that?
Lucy:ย What do you want me to say, Ben? It felt like shit.
Ben:ย Do you think it affected your memory?
Lucy:ย How do you mean?
Ben:ย Colin said that you shut down when he went to talk to you, after you created the false memory and he corrected it. He said you stopped trying to remember at all after that.
Lucy:ย I didnโt stopโ
Ben:ย Have you ever done any sort of memory retrieval therapy?
Lucy:ย No. Those methods are controversial, and they can lead to false memories. I was already creating those. I didnโt want any more.
Ben:ย Have you actively done anything to try and remember what happened since just after
the murder?
Lucy:ย Like what? Iโm in therapy. Iโve talked about Savvy a lot with my therapist. I think something would come up, if I was going to remember.
Ben:ย Do you think itโs possible that you canโt remember partly because you donโtย wantย to
remember?
Lucy:ย No, I think itโs the head injury.
Ben:ย But all the hours before the head injury. Is it possible that you canโt remember because of the trauma of both your parents and your husband immediately deciding you did it?
Lucy:ย Fuck, I donโt know. Ask a therapist.
Ben:ย I did. She said yes, itโs possible.
Lucy:ย Well, there you have it. Thanks for nothing, Matt. And Mom and Dad.
Ben:ย Do you want to know?
Lucy:ย If I killed Savvy? Of course I want to know.
Ben:ย Are you sure?
Lucy:ย Yes!
Ben:ย Have you visited any of the places where you saw Savannah that day? Your old house? The wedding venue? You and I went to where her body was found near the Byrd Estate, and that was very traumatic for you.
Lucy:ย I havenโt, no. I havenโt been inside my old house, though Iโm sure it looks different now. Same with the wedding venue. They change it for every wedding.
Ben:ย Still โฆ shouldnโt you have gone to jog your memory?
Lucy:ย Yes.
Ben:ย Yes?
Lucy:ย Obviously I should have gone. I donโt know why I didnโt.
Ben:ย Why did you go to the woods where she was found?
Lucy:ย My mom made me.
Ben:ย But nowhere else?
Lucy:ย We talked about going to the wedding venue, but โฆ no. I think I said the same thing back then. It would have been set up differently for a new wedding.
Ben:ย Would it be fair to say that youโve stopped trying to remember? That, in fact, you never really tried to remember what happened that night?
Lucy:ย No,ย neverย isnโt accurate. I tried really fucking hard the first couple days.
Ben:ย But after that?
Lucy:ย I guess I stopped trying, yeah. But not because I didnโt want to know! Because I thought it was one of those things where if I didnโt think about it, it would finally come to me. Thatโs what youโre supposed to do when you canโt remember, right?