A jolt coursed through my entire being. The sudden shock of agony ramped up the screams coming from within. I couldn’t breathe, couldn’t move as my gaze swung upward.
But I welcomed the pain, held on to it tightly as his mouth moved against my throat. My hands spasmed and then fisted. I stared at the gleaming gold bars, the searing fire coursing through my veins like a thousand knives pricking my flesh. Darkness crept into the edges of my vision—
The embers pulsed wildly, pressing against my skin. The shadows crowding my eyes vanished in a flash of silver. I sucked in a whimper as Kolis’s head shifted. His fangs eased their brutal hold on my throat, and the agony…oh, gods, the pain was fading. No. No. No. My chest rose with a too- short breath as unwelcome warmth crept into my veins.
No. No. No.
This wasn’t happening. It couldn’t. My nails dug into my palms, the little sparks of pain lost in a grotesque, twisting pulse as he sucked on the wound.
I didn’t want this.
The…the screaming had stopped. I felt the presence in my chest go quiet, while the embers pulsed and flared, responding to my disgust, whirling fury, and rising desperation to stop this.
The essence swelled, pressing against my skin, and the near-instinctual
drive to tap into it began to take hold. My skin started to hum as the cage and chamber became drenched in silver—
No.
Fighting the instinct to tap into the embers, I willed them to calm. I had to. My heart thudded. If I used them against Kolis, it would anger him, and Ash…he was still imprisoned. I couldn’t risk him. I wouldn’t. He was too important. I could deal with this, just as he had when Veses came to him to feed.
Focusing on my breathing, the essence calmed, though my heart thundered. I desperately tried to pull together the tattered remains of the veil of nothingness that used to be like a second skin to me. I could do this. I could deal with this. I’d spent years preparing for something like this.
But that was before Ash.
Nausea churned in my stomach, even as a disturbing heaviness settled in my chest and lower. Kolis groaned, his arms tightening as he drank from me. This…this was nothing like before. I clamped my jaw shut, my gaze fixed on the grouping of diamonds above me. They seemed to throb, like some light within them moved rapidly. Kolis sucked deeply from my vein, his hips jerking against my backside—
Oh, gods, I was going to vomit. I was going to fucking vomit. How far would this go?
Not that far.
Fear pierced the undesired haze. Breathe in. I knew—oh, gods, I knew then that I couldn’t do anything to gain Kolis’s trust. Hold. There was no
fooling me. If this escalated even further, I didn’t know what I would do, but it would be bad. Breathe out. I could feel that in the violent hum of power within me. Hold.
One of Kolis’s hands skimmed down my side, clasping my hip and leaving a trail of unwanted shivers. This wasn’t happening to me. I wasn’t here. This didn’t matter—
That wasn’t working.
I squeezed my eyes shut against a rush of tears, losing concentration as my thoughts careened wildly. I hated him. I hated Kolis, and I hated Eythos for creating this situation. I hated the Fates for preventing Eythos from telling his son. And I fucking loathed how this reminded me of Tavius and how he’d held me down in my bedchamber.
I was trapped.
The embers stirred again, responding to my maelstrom of emotions.
I kept my eyes closed and thought of Ash. His features pieced together in my mind, and I recalled the night we’d fallen asleep together on his balcony. That had been a first for us. For me. I clung to that memory, erasing Kolis. I wiped him from this experience. I removed him. He wasn’t here. Nor was I.
I was back in the Shadowlands, tucked against Ash, safe and happy. That was where I retreated and stayed until Kolis finally stopped feeding and moving against me.
He grew impossibly still once more, his body as rigid as mine. My fingers and palms ached from how tightly I’d clenched them. I counted the seconds silently ticking by, barely breathing as I did.
One.
Two.
Three.
Four.
Five.
Kolis’s arms loosened and then fell away. I shot to my feet like an arrow released, my hands and legs trembling. The back side of my gown was fucking damp.
Bile climbed into my throat. I took a step back and lifted my gaze to Kolis, feeling the embers pressing against my skin once more. A jumble of
emotions roared through me, leaving me panting. Rage mottled my skin, and something I shouldn’t even feel pricked at my flesh, leaving hundreds of brutal cuts as part of me—a foolish, somehow naïve part—couldn’t believe what had just happened.
Kolis sat there, a curtain of blond hair shielding his features as he looked down at his lap and the blotch of acutely visible wetness. A shudder ran through him.
“I’m sorry.” His head lifted abruptly. “I…I have shamed myself,” he stammered. “I’ve shamed you.”
The back of my neck crawled.
“I lost control.” His eyes closed, his features tensing. “I…I didn’t mean to.”
All I could do was stare at him.
“I wanted this time to be different. I didn’t want to frighten you with my passion and jealousy. You must forgive me,” he fretted. “I was just overcome with emotion. I’ve waited so long for you.”
I couldn’t hear him. The screams in my head drowned out his excuses. They were Sotoria’s and mine, full of rage, disbelief, and pure hatred. They sounded sad, and all the while, he…he fucking sounded agonized.
Kolis suddenly stood, taking a step toward me. I tensed.
His eyes closed once more, his features drawn. “That will never happen again.” He took a deep breath, lifted his lids, and fixed his gaze on me. “Do you understand? You do not have to fear that.”
I counted the seconds again. One.
Two.
Three.
Four.
Five.
I felt myself nod, but I didn’t believe him.
Kolis swallowed. “Please…” He cleared his throat. “Please say something.”
“A bath,” I said, my voice strangely steady. “I would like a bath.”
 |
I sat in the tub, my knees tucked to my chest. The hot water the Chosen had brought in mere minutes after Kolis left the chamber had long since cooled.
I didn’t know how long I’d sat here. Minutes? Hours? All I knew was that I had no fear when it came to bathing. The moment Callum and the Chosen left the chamber, I’d stripped off the disgusting gown and all but dove in. The horror of the incident that had occurred beyond the privacy screen I now stared at had replaced that fear.
There were so many more things to dread now.
Things every woman worried about, whether mortal or god. Things I knew Kolis was capable of the moment I learned what had been done to
Sotoria. Things I knew I would have to face. From the moment I’d told him I
was Sotoria, I’d known I wouldn’t be like his other favorites. He wouldn’t be content only observing. I knew those things would happen. It was one of the reasons I’d tried to escape and screamed fuck the greater good.
But from the moment I decided to use his love for Sotoria to my advantage, I’d known what would happen. And knew I might even have to initiate it.
I’d told myself I was ready. That I could do it. I’d convinced myself. I’d known this could happen. But the foolish, naïve shock still lingered. I didn’t understand. I couldn’t. Or maybe I wouldn’t. Because I’d prepared for the likelihood that I’d have to seduce Kolis to gain his trust and Ash’s freedom. And while it wasn’t like I was okay with that, I at least had some semblance of control.
I’d had no control a bit ago. None.
And I’d had no choice.
I really hadn’t. Choosing not to risk Ash or my physical well-being was not a real choice. I had been wrong earlier. Holland had been wrong. Choices didn’t always exist. Not genuine ones.
Gingerly, I touched the bite on my neck and winced. He could’ve at least closed the wound. Dropping my hand, I dug my chin into my knees, my muscles tense despite having soaked in hot water. Yet I felt numb. Detached. I closed my eyes.
I was lucky. This time. It could’ve been worse than him getting off while he fed. It could’ve gone further than that.
I didn’t feel lucky, though.
I felt disgusted. Enraged. Desperate. Ashamed. And angry at myself for even feeling that because I knew better. I felt weak. And I wasn’t that. With or without the embers, I was tough. Physically. Mentally. I’d cracked a little before, but I was not weak. Still, I felt that way. I felt everything as I sat in the tepid water.
But at the same time, I felt absolutely nothing.
