HENRY
WHEN I LEFT MY HOUSE for my parents’ house, I told myself when I got there I’d give myself a day to spiral and then I’d sort my shit out.
Like every other plan I’ve ever created, it didn’t happen like that. I’m not sure how much further there is for me to fall mentally, because moving away and changing my name started to seem appealing for about 1ve minutes last night.
It really took feeling like my entire life is falling apart for me to 1nally empty the clean laundry out of the basket from the holidays. Every task I’ve been putting oI the past probably ten years has 1nally been completed. Basically, anything that didn’t involve me leaving my bedroom.
For the 1rst week, my parents gave me a pass when I told them I was overwhelmed and needed some peace. Now I’m into the second week and the pass has been shredded. They want answers, they want to support me, they’re more people wanting something from me that I don’t know how to give.
So I do what I do best: I copy their energy and tell them I’m 1ne. That I’m over it. And that I’m going home.
Russ and Robbie are their usual careful selves around me. Lola and Aurora don’t visit. Nobody visits, actually. It stays quiet and calm. The emails from my professors are piling up, text messages even worse. There’s only one person I want to text.
I look up why I’m such a bad procrastinator but get no answers that make sense to me. I look up why it feels like I’m frozen and get advertisements for winter coats. I look up how you know you’re in love with someone but close the tab before I get more answers that I can’t understand.
I know I owe everyone answers, but I don’t know what the answer is.
I pull up Halle’s name. Typing quickly before I can put it oI, I tell her I’m going to keep my promise.
IT’S FRIDAY AND I SHOULD be prepping for the game, but Faulkner emails me, like he did last week when I didn’t show up for practice, that I won’t be playing, but he’d like to talk to me.
He actually uses the word like, and there aren’t any curse words in the email.
Maybe Robbie wrote it for him. I know he’s avoiding the house by staying at Lola’s. Russ told me he feels like he doesn’t know how to be my friend and my coach when I won’t accept help, and he’ll be back the second I’ll let him in. I’m not mad at him, or hurt, because I feel like I don’t know how to be multiple things at once, too.
I text Halle and tell her I still don’t feel great, but I’ll get there.
THE FOG IS LIFTING, AND the realization of the mess I’ve caused almost gives me a panic attack. I could go to class tomorrow, but then I’d have to deal with it.
I missed Valentine’s Day. I didn’t even text Halle.
The guys won both games, which proves they don’t need me, and it weirdly gives me a tiny bit of relief. I think that relief is what lifted the weight crushing me enough to feel the dread of my situation.
I sit with that thought for far too long when there’s a knock on my bedroom door. I yell, “Come in,” expecting to see Russ, but when the door beeps and opens the last person I expect to see standing in my doorway is Nate Hawkins.
“I can tell by the look on your face that you forgot I was around this week,” he says, closing the door behind him. He sits on the end of my bed, and I scramble to understand what he’s talking about. Right until I realize how long I’ve been hiding out and that his schedule has a cluster of games in and not too far from LA. We were supposed to make plans to hang out. “I don’t know where to start with you.”
“I couldn’t be a captain like you. I’m sorry you put your faith in me and I let you down.”
Nate stares at me like I have two heads. He scratches his jaw and shakes his head. “Hen, I was shitting myself the entire time. Literally before every single game Robbie would pull me aside and give me this wild pep talk to hype me up because I wanted to be sick. I just didn’t let it get the better of me, and eventually I stopped worrying so much. You haven’t let me or anyone else down.”
“Faulkner isn’t going to see it like that. I walked out on him. I’ve missed so many classes my grades are going to be ass. I’ve ruined everything, Nate.”
“I know it feels like it. Honestly, I get it, and I’m not telling you that your feelings aren’t valid, but you can 1x it. Faulkner’s the way he is because he loves the team, and he loves his players. He would not want you to hide away over fucking ice hockey.”
“I don’t know what to say to him… to say to everyone I’ve been avoiding. I feel like shit, and I can’t even explain why I react the way I do. It’s not fucking normal to just shut down like this, but I can’t stop it.”
Nate listens to me rant, saying nothing until I’m done. “Everyone knows that you haven’t done anything to upset anyone. They want you to be okay, Hen. They miss you. Fuck, Stassie misses you, and I bet if I looked at my phone right now I’d have a thousand messages from her. But she’s stayed away, like you wanted, because you know how to handle yourself the best. They just all want you back, feeling good, whatever that looks like.”
“Do you practice giving speeches just in case you ever have an opportunity to give one?” Nate bursts out laughing, and it’s the light in the dark of the past few weeks. I laugh, too, rubbing my palms against my eyes.
“Yeah, every morning before I leave my place.” He drags his hand through his hair. “You don’t need me to swoop in and 1x things for you, I know that. But if you need a friend to be with you while you 1x things yourself, I can do that.”
“I want that. Thanks.”
“Sasha is with Stas right now. She’s decided to piss oI my dad by claiming she wants to go to Maple Hills, so we’ve been tasked with keeping an eye on her until she goes on a college tour tomorrow. I have a game tomorrow night, but I
can 1nd an hour around lunchtime to see Faulkner with you. Even if I just sit quietly.”
“Thanks, Nate.”
“I think you need to get out of this room, buddy. Come for dinner with us tonight. The guys need to see you alive and kicking. Stassie needs to see you alive and kicking.”
“I haven’t been a good friend to her this year. I hardly see her anymore, and she never comes around, but I guess I never invite her and—”
“You know she cried and said the exact same thing about you? That she’d failed you by not being around. That somehow she could have prevented this if she’d seen you more. You’ll both survive this. You’ve got that weird, pseudo- sibling thing going on. I always think I should call Sash more, and she only calls me when she wants something. It’s normal. Did you know Stas met Halle?”
That makes me sit up a little straighter. “No… when? What did she say?” “Not a lot. She was at Halle’s looking for you before she found out you were
at your parents’ house. She said Halle clearly missed you, and that she was very sweet and even prettier than she was expecting. Something about a type of cat someone else has that’s apparently a big deal. I can’t remember.”
“I miss her, too. I want to call her, but I know that she’ll drop everything to help me sort my mess out. She drops everything for everyone. She never puts herself 1rst, and I know if she 1nds out I have assignments and studying to do, she’ll prioritize me. I told her I needed space and I’d 1x everything, and right now it doesn’t feel like it could get worse.”
“Come for dinner. The guys can help, but don’t worry too much about it, Henry. You didn’t ghost her; you didn’t just disappear with no explanation. It sounds like you told her how you were feeling, and you set her expectations. Maybe don’t feel like you need to apologize to her and feel more like you need to thank her for letting you take the time you need.”
“I don’t remember you being this wise when you lived here.”
Nate laughs again and the cloud truly feels like it’s lifting. “I don’t remember your room being this tidy.”
I FEEL LIKE THE WEIRD family member turning up at a wedding with the way everyone stares at me when I walk into the restaurant with Nate.
I take the seat next to Sasha, figuring she’s the least likely to give me a headache, but then I remember that people can still talk across tables. “Looks like Nate is your favorite,” Mattie teases as I lay my napkin across my lap.
“I told them I could drag you out of your little depression cave, but Russ wouldn’t let me,” Kris adds, snapping his fingers. “Golden retriever to guard dog just like that.”
Bobby is unusually quiet, but only for a moment. “I feel like I screwed up your life, man. Sorry about that; he was running his mouth and I could see you were trying to keep your cool, but he crossed a line, and I just thought, screw it.”
“I’m glad you hit him.”
Bobby grins. “I’m glad I did too. Faulkner knows and has been making my life miserable, as expected. Why didn’t you just tell him, Hen? You could’ve pinned it all on me and avoided this whole mess.”
It’s a question I’ve asked myself over and over these past two weeks. After I left, when the adrenaline had faded and I was replaying every second of what happened, I realized I hadn’t told Faulkner that the bruise on my cheek was from getting out of the way. That Halle hates fighting and would have been so disappointed. That I didn’t need to fight someone like Will because I’ve already won by being loved by Halle. But it was too late for all that, and rehashing it with Faulkner felt like the least of my worries.
“I honestly don’t know. I wouldn’t tell him what Will said because I didn’t want to embarrass Halle, and he said something about maybe I shouldn’t be captain, and I felt relieved.” I take a deep breath. “I don’t like being captain.”
A silence spreads across the guys and Russ is the 1rst one to speak. I notice Aurora isn’t beside him. “Then why do it? Why not just step down?”
I shrug. “I didn’t want to let you all down. You all believed in me.”
“Fucking hell, Henry,” Kris groans, rubbing his forehead with his hand. “We believe in you because we love you, you fool. You could tell us you wanted to
start, I don’t know, fucking show jumping and we’d believe in you. You don’t need to be something that makes you unhappy for us.”
“What he said,” Mattie says.
Bobby frowns a little, my eyebrows pinch together. “I’ll be honest, I’d have my doubts about a future equestrian career because I’ve seen how much you fuck around on leg day, but yeah, don’t do something just for us or whatever Kris said.”
Anastasia is unusually quiet, and when I look to her she shakes her head. “I just love you and want you to be happy. Whatever that looks like.”
The doors open and JJ walks in looking nothing like the weird relative at a wedding. “I heard we were holding an intervention. Has Nate made some corny speech yet?”
“Not yet,” Robbie says. He’s at the end of the table beside Lola, also staying quiet. “I’m sure it’s coming. You’re looking at me, Hen. But I don’t have anything to say. I’ve got your back whatever you do. I’ve always got your back.”
JJ takes the empty chair on the other side of Sasha and leans forward. “Let’s talk about how you un–fuck up your relationship with the love of your life.” Everyone groans, including me. “What? He’s going to need something big.”
I don’t know who goes 1rst, but at least three people say, “That’s what she said.”
ANASTASIA AND I HAVE ARGUED many times about the idea of manifesting.
I know for certain that it’s absolute bullshit, because I ask the universe to give us Rat tires so I can’t get to Faulkner’s o ce, and nothing happens.
“It’s good to see you, Henry,” he says when I sit in his o ce. He looks at Nate. “I thought I’d gotten rid of you, Hawkins.”
I don’t think Faulkner has ever called me by my 1rst name, which is an immediate red Rag. I think of the speech that Nate and I practiced on the way over here. I 1gured if I was going to make one I may as well run it by an expert.
“I’m sorry for going MIA, Coach. Sometimes I get really overwhelmed and it makes it di cult for me to process all my emotions, and I sort of shut down. I
don’t know why I do it. I don’t know how to stop it, but I really want to. I love hockey, but I don’t love being a leader.
“I feel responsible for everyone and everything, and I can’t see outside of my own head sometimes. I didn’t want to let down the people who believed I could do it, and I didn’t want to let myself down. But I also need to admit when something isn’t the right choice for me.”
Faulkner doesn’t interrupt, he doesn’t yell, he doesn’t slam his 1st on the table. “You know we could have avoided all this upset if you’d just explained that you didn’t hit anyone.”
“I know.”
“Why didn’t you tell me that Ellington attacked you? You were the victim, Henry. I should have been looking out for you, not berating you.”
“Your team’s mistakes are your own when you’re the leader.”
Faulkner looks at Nate, his eyes narrowing. “Did you teach him this fall-on- your-sword bullshit? You’re good at that, too.”
“What?” Nate says, losing his cool slightly. “No!”
“I read it in a book by Harold Oscar. I was reading it to learn how to be a better captain. But it feels pointless now, because then you said maybe I shouldn’t be captain and I felt relieved and I don’t know. It’s hard for me to remember.”
Coach laughs, and I’ve never been more confused. I turn to Nate for guidance, but nope, he looks confused, too. “Harold Oscar? Have you ever looked up Harold Oscar? Or met him? Because I have. The guy is an asshole. He couldn’t lead ducks to a pond. He was injured for most of the seasons his team won! Why the fuck would you listen to his advice?”
“I wanted to do a good job.”
“You were, for what it’s worth. We can 1x this. No more though, Henry. I accept that you’ve had a rough time mentally, and your recent conduct is an exception. You pull this shit again and it’s going to end very diIerently.”
“I understand.”
Coach grabs a pen from the pot on his desk and a piece of paper. “Here’s what you’re going to do: You’re gonna make up every workout and every skate you missed while you were gone. You’re gonna email all your professors and ask
them what you need to do to catch up. Plus, you’re going to talk to someone about shutting down when you’re overwhelmed. When you’ve done that, and you’re caught up and you’ve made up all your training, you can play. We can decide on a new captain.”
“I can help,” Nate says, nudging my shoulder.
Faulkner frowns at him. “Why would I want your help? I took your advice last year and look where it fucking got me.” He gestures to me. “A captain who hates captaincy.”
I accept the to-do list from Faulkner and tuck it into my pocket. “Yeah, he’s got you there, Nate. You did drop the ball by believing in me.”
Nate pinches his nose between his 1ngers. “I’m getting a migraine.”
ONE HOUR LATER AND MY life feels like it’s back on track.
It’s ridiculous when I think about it like that. Russ is hanging out in the living room reading a textbook and working on his tablet when I get home. “All good?”
“I have a lot of work to catch up on, but yeah, all good. I think Coach was having a moment—he called me Henry.”
Russ’s nose scrunches. “That’s weird.”
“You can tell Aurora to stop avoiding the place now. It’s weirdly quiet without her here.” It will also help me determine if she hates me.
“She isn’t avoiding it. She’s helping Halle with a writing project or something. She said it was a secret; she only told me because she needed to use my laptop when she left hers at home by accident.”
I’ve been thinking of ways to show Halle how much she means to me since JJ brought it up last night. “I need you to show me.”
He looks like I just asked him for a kidney. “Ror will kill me, Henry. I don’t think I was even allowed to tell you.”
“Please, Russ. I’ll never ask for anything from you again. I need to make it up to Halle and I know how.”
“Fine,” he says, closing his book. “But you need to teach me how to be good at hiding out when Aurora inevitably tracks me down.”
“You got it.”
Pulling out my phone, I send Halle one more text. I tell her I’m working on 1xing everything, and that I miss her.
