Clean up was almost worse than the battle itself. In the frenzy of the fight, adrenaline had shielded me and
numbed me. But afterwards, the brutality of what had been left behind was stark beneath the still midday sun. Every sight and smell, every remaining fractured moan, every shocked survivor’s sob raked across my skin.
Still, I drew myself together as if with little pieces of twine and worked diligently, even though when I first pushed myself up from the ground, I thought that I might topple. Max and I had stared at each other for a moment, still standing in that room of dead bodies. I wondered if I looked as terrible as he did.
I was certain that he’d whisk us back home immediately, since he looked like he was dying to get out of there. But then he peered out the window, let out a heaving sigh, and said, “If we’re going to be responsible for this, even indirectly, it’s only decent to help deal with the aftermath.”
I agreed. And, more selfishly, I didn’t want to give the Orders any reason at all to go back on their commitments.
So, we threw our exhausted bodies into the cleanup effort, even when I thought I had nothing left to give.
“All this for what?” Max spat, heaving as he yanked aside a beam, nudging a pile of discarded clothes with
pained, visceral anger. “For a big ‘fuck you’ to Sesri? All this for his personal revenge?”
I didn’t understand either, and every time I looked at the shattered fragments of some family’s life, fury careened into my stomach. But then I thought of Nura’s lie — of the agony on Pathyr Savoi’s face when she made sure he died believing that he had killed all of his people. Was he a man who truly didn’t care about his city? Or had his rage and grief twisted his judgement so thoroughly that he believed he was doing the right thing?
It was amazing, the mental somersaults minds and hearts could do to justify their actions in the name of love.
By the time we were finally dismissed, it felt like the last several days hadn’t even happened. The city was still in ruins, bodies were still left unburned — or worse, still unrecovered within the wreckage — and the Tairnian people were still wraiths, wandering lost.
But I couldn’t take anymore, and I knew Max couldn’t, either. Even Sammerin, who always exuded unwavering stability, looked like he was ready to collapse.
I had never been so grateful to smell the fresh, clean scent of those flowers, or to be greeted by the crowded warmth of the cottage. I waited until Max disappeared into his room before I went to the basin and let myself retch.
