JOEY

MY FATHER GOT in my head again, but this time it was different.

Because this time his words meant sense to me. They had gotten through the walls I’d built up to keep everything out. Because this time I finally understood what he meant.

If he had walked away from Mam back in the beginning, everything would be so different.

Hell, not even in the beginning, if he’d just walked away after Darren’s rape, when it was just the three of us and Mam, then we might have made it. We might have been able to pick up the pieces and build some semblance of a life for ourselves.

But he didn’t leave and the repercussions of him staying had sent shockwaves through multiple lives. Worse than sending shockwaves, the repercussions had ruined us.

Would that happen with me?

Would the baby growing in Molloy’s stomach turn around some day and resent me for not being a man enough to walk away and give him the chance of a decent life?

Would I have a son who hated me as much as I hated my old man?

Would he resent his mother like I resented mine?

Would he fall into the same pattern of addiction that I had?

Was I forever destined to repeat the cycle, and then produce more sons to carry on the fucked-up gene?

Jesus , I could barely breathe just thinking about it. It was for those reasons that I couldn’t do it.

I couldn’t go to her.

Not tonight, at least.

Dejected and thoroughly demoralized, and with my father’s words still fresh on my mind, I returned to the only place I felt some semblance of control over my life.

“Word on the street is the shades lifted your ass from that prissy private school today,” Shane said when I walked into the sitting room of his shit-hole house and slumped down on the couch. “Fighting with the rich boys, Lynchy? Never a smart move.”

“Yeah,” I muttered, dropping my head back to rest against the couch. “Sounds about right.”

“Heard you snagged yourself a fancy-assed barrister to get the charges dropped.” Exhaling a cloud of smoke, he turned to give me a hard look. “Heard you were spilling your guts to that fancy-assed barrister. Had the judge weeping like a little bitch over your sad little life story.”

I stiffened, noting the threatening lilt to his voice.

“Relax, I didn’t say shit,” I growled, giving him a what do you take me for look. “I’m no rat, Shane.”

“You better not be, kid,” he replied coolly. “Because you know what happens to rats.” He narrowed his eyes. “They get poisoned. Right along with every member of their little rat family.”

“I’m here, aren’t I?” I spat, forcing down the urge to shudder, as I slipped my hand into the front pocket of my school trousers and pulled out what was left of my wages. “Just give me some oxy and a few benzos to get through the night.”

He stared at the money in my hand for a long moment before blowing out a breath and reaching for it. “I don’t know what’s going on in that head of yours, kid, but if you’re palling around with lawyers, then you’re no friend of mine. If you’re thinking about jumping ship, then forget it, because you’re in as deep as I am. There’s no walking away from this world, Lynch.”

“I’m not palling around with anyone,” I bit out, watching as he retrieved the familiar tin from under his couch. “I’m just trying to get by.”

“So long as your version of getting by doesn’t result in name-dropping or throwing your old friends under the bus, we’re golden,” he replied, handing me a baggie of pills. “But the minute you even consider crossing me, it’ll be over for you, kid. I’ll come down harder on you than your daddy ever did. You remember that.”

 

 

BY THE TIME I managed to make it back to the house, every wall in my world felt like it was closing in on me and I was suffocating from the pressure.

Mam.

Dad.

Darren.

Molloy. Shane.

The baby.

The Kavanaghs.

The kids.

Shannon’s bullies.

I couldn’t fucking breathe.

With my body in pieces and my mind reeling, I barely managed to get my key out of the front door when Shannon came barreling towards me. “You’re back!” She threw her arms around me as her small body trembled. “Thank God.”

I was tired.

I was so fucking weary, and my sister’s arms felt like concrete boulders weighing down on me, pushing me deeper into the darkness.

“It’s okay, Shan. It’s all good,” I tried to soothe, because I had a love in my heart for this little girl that no volume of drugs or depths of depression could kill.

Except that she wasn’t a little girl anymore.

She was a young woman, and it gave me hope. Hope that she’d survive what I couldn’t.

What I failed to do.

There was a family waiting to take her in. To take all of them in.

Because something deep inside of me, in the parts that still worked, assured me that I could trust the Kavanaghs. It was the same part of me that had locked on tight to Aoife Molloy.

If I did nothing else in this world, I would see this through. I would get these kids the fuck out of this hellhole I would.

“Wait!” Catching ahold of my arm when I tried to step around her, Shannon pulled me back to face her. “Look at me.”

Having nothing left to give or lose, I did as she asked. “Joe.” She sucked in a sharp breath. “Why?”

“Just get off my back, Shan,” I replied, too damn weary to go another round with anyone, much less her. I knew what she was upset about, but I couldn’t hide it anymore. “I’m fine.”

“Joey,” Mam cried out when I walked into the kitchen with my sister hot on my heels. “Oh, thank God.”

Thank God?

Yeah fucking right.

“Mother. You’re keeping well?”

“What’s wrong with you?” Darren demanded, stalking towards me. “Why are you shaking?” When he put his hands on me, touching and probing my face, I had to use every ounce of self-control inside of my body to not react. “For fuck’s sake, Joey,” he boomed, coming to the same conclusion as Shannon, before roughly shoving me out of his sight. “What the hell is the matter with you?”

Everything, I felt like laughing. Fucking everything, asshole.

“What’s wrong?” That was Mam. Again, I felt like laughing manically. Like she gave a fuck.

“What’s wrong?” Darren exclaimed. “What’s wrong is your son is back on drugs!”

“Is this true, Joey?”

Resisting the urge to laugh in their fucking faces, I made a sandwich and grabbed a drink from the fridge. “I’m not back on drugs.”

“Yeah, because you were never off them to begin with, were you?”

Fuck you, golden boy. “You’re all overreacting.”

“You’re high.” Darren narrowed his eyes. “Again.”

Whoop-de-fucking-doo. “And you’re an asshole,” I shot back. “Again.” “What are you doing, Joey?” Mam decided to throw her two cents into

the mix. “Why would you put that stuff in your body again?”

Had I entered the fucking twilight zone?

At what point in time did she assume that I stopped? She knew the score.

She goddamn knew it.

This whole damn fiasco was a show put on for Darren’s benefit.

“You’re one to talk,” I laughed. “Drowning yourself in Prozac and Valium.”

“Prescribed to me by a doctor. Not the thugs from the terrace.”

“Okay, Mam.” I rolled my eyes and took a bite of my sandwich. “Whatever you say.”

“Is it Shane Holland?” she demanded. “Is he sniffing around again?”

“Jesus Christ, what do you care?” I snapped, having had just about enough of the bullshit interrogation. “Everyone get off my fucking back!”

“No, I won’t get off your back,” the golden boy himself interjected. “You’re back on drugs, you’ve been expelled from school, you’re off the hurling team, and you’re—” He stopped just short of saying about to become a father. I knew that was on the tip of his tongue. “You are ruining your life!”

“I don’t have a life!” I roared, losing my ever-loving shit with him. “I’ve never had a life!”

“Well, life or not, if you keep this up, you’re going to turn into him. You’re going to end up becoming the one thing you hate most in the world.”

“Shut up, Darren!” Shannon was quick to defend, as she rushed towards me. “Joey, shh, shh, it’s okay. Don’t listen to him, okay? It’s not true. You’re going to be okay.”

“Stop fucking saying that, Shannon. Nothing’s okay. Nothing!” I strangled out, feeling myself slip. Feeling the mask that I wore to shield my emotions fall away. “You know, I sat in that cell for hours, thinking how did this happen to me. How did I end up the way I am. All fucked up in the head. But then I called you.” My voice cracked and I forced myself to point at her. “I called you to come help me and you didn’t pick up. And then I knew.” Sniffling, I threw my hands up, feeling helpless and alone. “I said to myself that’s why. That’s how I turned out like this.” Narrowing my eyes at the woman who gave me life, I spat, “Because you broke me!”

“That’s not true,” Mam cried out, shaking her head. “Take it back.” It was true.

It was the truest thing that had ever come out of my mouth, dammit.

“You fucked my head up worse than he ever did. He used his fists, but you? You got in my head,” I admitted, on a roll now, as pain and poison spilled from my lips. “You broke my mind.” I slammed the heel of my hand against my temple, desperately trying to emphasis to this woman just how badly she had damaged me. “I don’t work right anymore and it’s because your voice is stuck in my head! The sound of you crying and begging me to help you is all I can hear!”

“Joey—”

“Every time I close my eyes, you’re there. In my head. Crying for me.

Begging me. Screaming save me, Joey, save me!” “Joey, stop—”

“But I couldn’t ever save you, Mam,” I cried, hating myself for my

weakness, as tears trickled down my cheeks. Hating myself for still loving her. “I couldn’t save you because you didn’t want me to! You wanted him to be here! You wanted all of this to happen—”

My mother struck me so hard across the face that I momentarily lost my train of thought.

“Don’t you dare blame me,” she hissed, poking me in the chest. “I did everything I could for you and your brothers and sister!”

“You did everything you could for him,” I retaliated. For them. “You can’t lie to me, remember? I see right through you.”

My mother hit me again.

Harder this time.

Hard enough to twist my head sideways.

“Mam,” Darren was the first to react, stepping between us. “What are you doing? Don’t hit him!”

And yeah, her slap hurt, but not nearly as much as the truth I’d given her. “And I’m the one turning into him?” I said, glaring at the pair of them.

Fuck it.

What was the point?

“I’m not living like this anymore.” I’d had it.

I couldn’t take another fucking second.

There and then the decision was made. “I’m done!”

Moving for the stairs, I thundered up to my room, and started piling random items of clothing into my gear bag. Why? I had no fucking clue. It wasn’t like I was going to need them. Not where I was going.

“Joey, stop …wait! Wait!”

Still, it felt sickeningly liberating to do it. To pack my shit up for the last time.

To walk out of this house and know that I would never have to come back.

“What are you doing?” I heard Shannon ask from my bedroom doorway.

“I can’t stay here anymore.” Knowing that it would kill me to look at her, I kept my head down as I packed. “I’m sorry.” You’re going to be okay. I’ll make sure of it. “But I’m going to explode if I stay in this house.”

“You mean for the night? You’ll go to Aoife’s and come back tomorrow, right?”

No.

I wasn’t going to Aoife’s.

I wasn’t coming back, either. “Joey, please.”

“I’m sorry!” Hating myself for knowing what my decision would do to her, but knowing that I had no other way out, I zipped up my bag and flung it over my shoulder. “I’ve tried, but I can’t do this.”

“Joey, please,” she sobbed, clinging to me just the same as always. “What about me?”

What about her? What about Tadhg? What about Ollie? What about Sean? What about Darren?

“What about me?” I broke down and cried. “What about me, Shannon?

What about me!”

“I love you,” she wept, unwilling to let me go. “I do. I love you so much, Joe. I care about you. You’re important to me. We can figure this out.”

Desperation filled her voice. “We can get through this together. You don’t need to do—”

“Listen,” I interrupted before she could cut me any deeper with her words. “I need you to take care of yourself, okay? I need you to do that for me.” Trembling, I leaned in close and pressed a kiss to her forehead. “Don’t depend on her, or Darren, or anyone else, because in the end, the world will let you down. They will all let you down.” Anyone with the Lynch last name, at least.

“And you?” my baby sister asked, looking up at me like I could somehow fix her world when I couldn’t even fix my own. “Does that include you?”

“Especially me,” I forced myself to tell her, though it almost killed me to say it.

And then I did the best thing I could for her. For all of them.

I walked away.

“Where’s he going?” “Is he leaving us?”

“Forever?”

“But he can’t go!” “Joey, don’t go!”

“Joey, think about this!”

Forcing myself to block out their voices, I hurried down the staircase and moved for the front door, needing to get the fuck away from these children before I lost my nerve.

They would be okay. I had to believe it.

“Do something, Mam. Say something. Please! Stop him!”

“Joey, don’t go!”

“You swore. You fucking promised you wouldn’t leave us!”

“Don’t rush out,” Darren tried to plead, blocking my exit. “Please. Just sleep on it and we can talk about it in the morning when you have a clear head.”

“I can’t do this,” I replied lifelessly. “Get out of the way.” “Joey, no. Talk to me.”

“Get out of the way, Darren,” I repeated. “Now.”

“O-ee. O-ee.”

Sean’s voice almost broke me, and I sucked in a shuddering breath, too afraid to turn around and look at the baby I’d given up so much of my life to raise. “I’m so sorry.”

I could only hope in time that he would forgive me. That he would be able to understand why I had to do it. Why I had to go.

The Kavanagh’s would give him a good home. They could give him what I never could.

“Stay, Joey,” Darren pleaded, voice breaking. “I can’t do this without

you.”

“You’re going to have to,” I deadpanned, before stepping around him and opening the door. “Don’t let them down.”

Don’t hold them back like you held me back.

Let them have the life we were both deprived of.

Stepping outside, I closed the front door behind me, pulled my hood up, and moved for the wall, only to stop dead in my tracks when my eyes landed on Molloy.

She was standing in the middle of the driveway, in a pair of yellow pajama bottoms and my hoodie, with her arms folded across her chest.

“You were going to leave without telling me?” Her tear-filled eyes flicked to the bag thrown over my shoulder and devastation and fury encompassed her features. “I’m not even worth a fucking goodbye!”

Of course she was worth a goodbye.

She deserved an explanation more than anyone else on this planet. Problem was, I couldn’t tell her any of that to her face.

The only way I could give her my truth was on paper.

On pages of paper that I had neatly folded in the ass pocket of my school trousers.

On pages of paper that I had planned to put through her letterbox. “Look at me.”

I couldn’t.

She was my breaking point.

If I looked at her, I would do what he did and that might be the right thing for me, but it wasn’t the right thing for her.

“Goddammit, Joey Lynch, you better look at me.”

“Aoife, please.” I could feel my tears soaking my cheeks, but I didn’t look up. “Just let me go.”

“I can’t.” Her perfume filled my senses when she closed the space between us. “I won’t.”

“I have nothing to give you,” I said brokenly. “I’m not good for you. Why can’t you get that into your head?”

“I don’t care about stuff, Joey,” she cried, throwing her arms around me. “I only want you.”

“I’m done.” I had to be. For both of their sakes. Trembling, I reached into my pocket and retrieved the folded-up letter I’d written her after leaving Shane’s. “I’m done dragging you down with me,” I whispered, slipping it into the front pocket of her hoodie without her noticing. “I’m sorry.”

“Please!”

“I can’t.” I refused to turn her into the woman in my kitchen. I loved her too much to let that happen. My father didn’t do right by the mother of his children, but I would do it for mine. “I’m so sorry.”

“Don’t go,” she cried as I stepped around her and moved toward the road. “Please. Please don’t go, Joey. Joey! I love you!”

I love you too. More than this life.

“I know,” I forced myself to shout. “And it’s not good for you to love me.”

“Joey, I need you.”

“No, you don’t!” What she needed was for me to stay away from our baby before I turned him into another version of me, another version of his grandfather. “You need to let me go, Aoife. That’s what you need to do!” It was the only thing I could do for her. It was the right thing to do for her.

“What about the—”

“Just go home, and don’t come back here,” I called over my shoulder, blinking back tears as I forced myself to walk away. “Do yourself a favor and forget about me!”