โโWhere were you this morning?โ Ten asks, a hint of worry in his voice. โLyla said you skipped practice.โโ
I walk down the hall at school with him beside me, having left myself barely enough time to hit my locker and race upstairs to Art before first period starts. He walks at my side.
โI was tired.โ I pull my baseball cap down a little farther to shield my red eyes.
โYou slept in?โ His tone is confused. โCoach is going to make you run laps for that.โ
Iโm sure heโs right. But I canโt bring myself to care right now.
While I showered, blew out my hair, and put on make-up this morning, my brain kept drifting back to Misha, and I started tearing up again. I couldnโt keep mascara on, so I gave up and grabbed a hat.
My eyes burn, and my lids just want to close forever. I blink hard at the shot of pain digging into my skull between my eyes and clutch the strap of
my bag tighter, hoping against hope that he isnโt here today. If I canโt think about him without crying, I certainly canโt look at him.
Veering toward my locker on the right, I spot a group of students ahead, some pausing to read something on the wall and some taking pictures of it. I look up, immediately recognizing the Eminem lyric.
Needles prick my throat, and I look away. He can go screw himself. He doesnโt like that rapper, and even though I do, quoting his songs isnโt going to get on my good side.
โWell, well, well,โ Ten muses. โI thought he got caught or something.
Heโs been slacking on the messages.โ
I walk up to my locker and start dialing in the combination. Ten follows, fiddling on his phone.
โโLove the Way You Lieโย by Eminem,โ he says. โHey, heโs speaking your language now.โ
I force a little smile for Tenโs sake. Heโs the only one in my life whoโs easy, and I donโt want him to know anything is wrong. Our friendship is uncomplicated.
And in all honesty, heโs been good to me. I may not be sure where his loyalties truly lie, but heโs here now. Iโm grateful for that.
I empty my bag, stuffing in the books I took home over the weekend and pulling out what I need for the morning. I havenโt seen or talked to Misha since our fight, and Iโm still in shock. Iโm angry, but Iโm sad, too. I wouldโve thought that the reality of Masen being Misha wouldโve set in by now and crystallized into hatred.
But it hasnโt. Iโm hurt.
โAre you okay?โ Ten asks, hovering close, his eyes on my face. โYou look like you were up all night,ย notย sleeping in.โ
โIโm fine.โ
I finish getting my things and close my locker, Ten and I walking farther down the hall. But then I glance up and notice more writing on the wall.
Everything was real.
I suck in a small breath, feeling my chest shake with a sob. Itโs in large black paint, surrounded by messy paint streaks of blueโmy favorite color
โand purple. I stop and stare at it, my shoulders feeling heavy.
He broke into the school this weekend and did this.
โWhatโs wrong with you?โ Ten whispers, this time sounding more concerned. โTell me the truth.โ
I wipe away a tear before it has a chance to fall. โNothing,โ I say, forcing my voice to stay even. โMy sisterโs just harassing me about mixing whites and colors in the wash again, so you knowโฆโ
He scoffs, but I can tell he doesnโt buy that excuse.
I make a quick right into the stairwell. โIโll see you at lunch, okay?โ โRyen?โ
But I keep going, jogging up the stairs and pausing briefly when I see yet another message written on the wall, reading it as I pass by.
I didnโt mean to lie, but I meant every kiss.
Damn him. I break into a run.
I shouldnโt have come to school today. I hoped heโd gone back to Thunder Bay, but he mustโve painted those messages last night. There are too many people in the school over the weekend and too much of a chance the staff or janitors wouldโve gotten all of it taken down by this morning if heโd done it earlier than that.
No. He was still in Falconโs Well last night.
I want him gone. I canโt help my heart and what it wants despite the pain, but I can help what I do with those feelings. Everything I told himโ about Misha and how he didnโt like my music and the stuff at the drive-in and all the things he wanted to know that were trueโhe already knew all of that shit from my letters. What a kick, to sit there and humor me to get my clothes off.
I approach the door and arch up on my tiptoes, peering in the window. Heโs sitting at his seat, one earbud in his ear while he twirls a pen in his fingers and stares at a notebook.
I slump back down.
Great. You would think he could back off, at least for a while. Itโs not like he needs to be at school anymore anyway. Misha had written me last fall and told me that he had enough credits to graduate early, so if he didnโt come here for me, then why the hell is he playing student when he doesnโt need to?
Why is he really here?
I whip open the door and make my way down the aisle, trying not to look at him but already feeling his eyes on me.
Heโs all Iโm aware of, and the memory of the Physics lab suddenly hits me, the feel of my legs wrapped around his body and his piercing between my lips.
He canโt be here. I canโt do this. Tears spring to my eyes.
But then someone standing in the aisle suddenly turns toward me, and something wet and orange slams into me, covering my hands and T-shirt.
โUgh!โ I growl, inspecting my hands and clothes.
Manny Cortez scurries backward, taking his freshly-painted clay bowl with him. โIโm sorry!โ he exclaims, looking scared.
โYouโre gonna be,โ I threaten, pointing behind him. โThe kilnโs that way, moron. Do you need a map?โ
He winces, his eyes dropping as others around him laugh. My stomach rolls, and I grind my teeth together to hold back the sob as I push past him and charge toward my seat in the back.
He walks away, diving into the supply room.
Dropping my bag, I sit in my seat and pull out my sketch pad and pencils. Mishaโs presence is heavy next to me.
โYeah, I know,โ I bite out, not looking at him. โIโm a vile bitch, right?โ โNo,โ he says quietly, staring ahead. โJust weak and stupid. And Iโd tear
you apart in front of this whole school if I wasnโt so sure you already feel like a pile of shit inside.โ
I crack, my chin trembling.
โAlright, letโs get started!โ Ms. Till says.
But my stomach is shaking with sobs I canโt let out. Heโs right. This is who I am.
And we both know it.
โRyen, are you ready to talk about your project and where you are on it?โ Till asks.
But I just pick at my thumbnail as my hands rest on the desk in front of me. Everything on the table is turning blurry.
I lashed out at Manny because heโs an easy target. Because heโs weaker than me. Because heโs theย onlyย thing weaker than me. Everyone else sees through me, and Misha is disgusted by me. He hates me.
โRyen?โ
Who I am and how no one likes me isnโt Mishaโs fault. I did this. Iโm stupid, weak, and a waste.
I feel tears welling, and I choke on a sob. Reaching down, I grab my bag and hook it over my shoulder as I walk through the class, avoiding stares and hushed whispers as I leave the room.
โRyen?โ
But as soon as I hit the hallway, I let the tears loose and run to the bathroom.
โWhere have you been?โ Lyla charges as she walks up to my side in the lunch line. โYou werenโt at practice this morning, and Ten said he saw you before first period, but then no oneโs seen you since then. And rumor has it you broke down crying in Art?โ
Her tone sounds disgusted, and I donโt spare her a look as I grab a salad shaker and a packet of dressing. Iโm not hungry, and my limbs are tired and heavy, but I canโt hide out in the library anymore. I feel like Iโm losing everything, and I need to stand the fuck up and get over it.
โTrey got in major trouble this weekend,โ she says as if itโs my fault. Well I guess it is, although she canโt know that.
โAll of us, including the whole team,โ she continues, โwent to his house after the game Friday night. His stepmom went upstairs, came back down, and kicked everyone out.โ
Her voice grates on my ears.
But she keeps pushing. โWhich you mightโve known if you were ever around anymore.โ
โI donโt care,โ I grit out, turning to her, unable to control myself. โYou got that? And Iโm sick of you thinking that I should. Now leave me alone.โ
She rears back, giving me a WTF look and then narrows her eyes, looking angry. โYou want to be left alone?โ she asks. โI can do that. We can
allย do that, because weโre sick of your shit.โ Her eyes fall down my body, surveying me like Iโm a piece of crap. โAlways disappearing, treating Trey like crapโฆand donโt think itโs escaped anyoneโs attention all the little looks you and Masen Laurent are giving each other. If you want to play with that piece of trash, do it quietly, because Iโm not going to act like I like it.โ
I squeeze the plastic shaker in my hand and take a step, advancing on her.ย Bitch.
But then a guy steps between us, Mishaโs friend with the Mohawk, and grabs a grape out of a fruit bowl. He pops it in his mouth, looking at Lyla. โHey, baby. Wanna fuck?โ
She grimaces, and I nearly snort. What the hell?
Her mouth falls open, staring at Mohawk guy, but then she spins around
โprobably having lost her train of thoughtโand storms back to wherever she came from.
Mohawk guy turns to me, winks, and then leaves. What was that about?
I run a hand over my eyes, adjusting my baseball cap, and feel a sudden need to crawl in a hot shower and sit there for a year.
Turning back to the lunch line, I see Misha on my other side and jump, my heart skipping a beat.
โI need to talk to you,โ he says.
I move around him and continue down the line. โI donโt want you here, Masen.โ And then I stop, correcting myself. โMisha. Just go home. Go back to Thunder Bay.โ
โI canโt.โ He comes up behind me, placing his hands on the counter, blocking me in. โI have no life there if youโre not in it. Youโre part of everything good Iโve ever done, Ryen. Please.โ
People come up in the line and veer around us, continuing down to the cashier. I want to push away from him, but I can feel eyes on us already, and I donโt want to make a scene. Maybe Iโm being paranoid, but I know better. Lyla is taking note of everything I do.
โYouโre in the music.โ His low voice falls across my ear. โYouโve made me strong. I wonโt do anything with my life if youโre not there. Iโm sorry. I never meant for any of thisโโ
โYou broke my heart,โ I cut him off, turning around and looking up into his eyes. โI look at you, and I donโt see Misha.โ Sadness burns my eyes, and I donโt care if he can see. โAll the years, all the letters, itโs getting further from my memory now. Like Friday night clouded everything.โ
His stare narrows.
โYou tainted it all,โ I tell him. โAll the history. And soon, Iโll barely remember you or how we used to be friends.โ
I leave my food and push his arm away, walking over to where Ten sits.
I donโt know if everything I said to Misha right then was true, but my head is in a constant fog. My feelings are clouded, and maybe I just need a long nap, a long swim, or a long drive to clear my head.
All I do know is that I canโt look at him. Hell, I donโt even think I can look at myself right now.
I sit down at the table and snatch one of Tenโs fries, nibbling just so I can do something.
โWhat about your parents?โ J.D. asks Trey, obviously in the middle of a conversation.
โItโs better to ask forgiveness than permission, right?โ โWhat are you guys talking about?โ I ask.
Trey looks at me, and I can feel the chill in his body language. โIโm having a party, remember?โ His tone is clipped. โMy parents are out of
town for the night, but they didnโt say I couldnโt have people over. I donโt suppose youโll still be able to make it.โ
He says it as if he already knows the answer, and I hear Lyla and Katelyn snicker.
A party. I look over my shoulder, seeing Misha plop down in a seat with all of his friends, and I donโt miss the glare he shoots my way.
โWill there be drinks?โ I ask, turning back to my table. โOf course. Lots of drinks.โ Trey smirks.
โWell, then. Maybe thatโs just what Iโm looking for.โ
He smiles, and Ten slaps the bill of my cap, joking around. โHells, yeah.โ
Ten and I tread over the Burrowesโ lawn, past the driveway and the street that are already packed. Visions of the last time I was here make my heart pick up pace, and I feel a little weird walking into the house.
Why did Misha need to search this place the other night? Why is he in Falconโs Well? I was so consumed with the revelation this weekend and dealing with my bullshit meltdowns that I didnโt actually think about why heโs here. I was too busy feeling betrayed.
What had he said? Something about coming here for something and then we were in each otherโs faces constantly, and things just got out of hand, one thing led to another, blah, blah, blahโฆ
Yeah.ย Ten and I took his things at the Cove, and I was the one to go up and harass him in the lunchroom that first day, but he was still here in the first place. Knowing I was here, too. And hiding in plain sight. The second I kissed him in the truck at the car wash, he shouldโve come clean.
โShit, look at all the people here.โ Ten laughs as we walk in.
The floor is flooded with our classmates, crowded into the living room and trailing up the stairs, and I look beyond, out onto the patio, and see the pool and deck packed, as well. People are dancing and drinking, and music blares from speakers set up around the room.
Lots of distraction.
I wear my bikini under my jean shorts and shirt, even though Iโm not really planning on getting in the pool. But Ten said he might, and Iโm not leaving his side, so…
Iโm trying not to think about Trey being a piece of shit pervert or about Lyla and how she would be thrilled to see me fall off my pedestal tonight. If I stay with Ten, maybe Iโll have a drink, dance and laugh, and get sedated long enough to forget the last few weeks for just five damn minutes. I need this. I need to do something to feel normal again.
โI doubt heโs going to make it to prom, girl,โ Ten tells me. โIf his parents havenโt taken it away already, they will after this.โ
โIโm not worried.โ I donโt even know if Iโm going anymore, and Iโm definitely not going with Trey.
We trail outside and hook ourselves up with a couple of beers from the keg, but when Ten lifts a bottle of tequila, I push it back down.
โNope.โ I shake my head. โWhy?โ
โIโm driving,โ I remind him. โYou go for it. Iโll stick with a beer.โ
He shrugs and pours a dram into the little plastic cup. I wince, smelling the pungent odor. Iโve done tequila before, but that isnโt chilled. How can he do that?
He licks the salt off his hand, tips the shot back, and gives a little grimace before sticking a lemon wedge in his mouth.
I laugh. Iโve known him long enough to know he usually likes his liquor mixed with Coke or juice or something.
โCome on!โ He pulls me along. โLetโs dance.โ
I smile, taking my beer and feeling a little better already as he leads me over to where the music is. โDirty Little Secretโย plays, and the warmth hitting my stomach from the beer filters through my limbs, as I sip my drink and join everyone else, getting lost in the noise and excitement.
Over the next hour, we do nothing but dance. He replaces my empty cup with a water bottle and another beer, and I double check to make sure heโs the one who poured it. The slight buzz I had from the one has smoothed away the edges, but I think itโs more the music and the energy of everyone around us thatโs intoxicating.
We jump up and down, laughing and dancing, and Ten leans into my ear. โYou feel better now?โ
I nod, shouting over the music, โYes! A lot more relaxed, actually.โ โYeah, they say alcohol isnโt the answer, but itโs nice to be able to turn
off your brain for a little while.โ
I finish my drink and toss my cup away, grabbing a bottle of water to drink for the rest of the night as Ten joins me at the bar.
โAnother one?โ I chirp, pouring him a shot.
He smiles, shooting it back without the salt and lemon this time.
I lean into him, smelling his heady cologne. It feels kind of good to be there for him for a change.
I keep everyoneโmy friends, my sister, my momโat a distance, because I started to believe that no one could really like me for me. Thatโs why I had to change. And any attention my family or Ten gave me was simply them pretending.
Thatโs why I loved Misha so much. It wasnโt distant. It was close and real, and it felt good.
But good things are still around me, despite what Iโve done to keep them at armโs length. Theyโve been around me the whole time.
Ten pulls away and picks up the bottle again, grabbing the shaker and turning around to look at me. He studies me up and down, twisting his lips to the side.
โWhat?โ I ask.
He jerks his chin at me, a smile playing on his lips. โSpread your legs.โ
Huh?
โCome on,โ he teases, shaking the salt. โI want to see what you taste like.โ
I snort, widening my eyes. โAbsolutely not.โ โPleeeease?โ
โNo!โ I burst out, nearly laughing at his sad face. No way in hell! I amย notย doing that.
Not a chance.