I LIE on the carpet of the upstairs living room of my roommate’s townhome while she and Avery circle around me in their long, flowy, rich-widow robes. Clouds of burning sage waft around us, filling the space with smoke.
I doubt this is what my therapist, Miriam, had in mind when she recommended I have a cleansing ritual with my closest friends. But here we are, three grown women attempting a smudging ceremony.
“This is definitely not doing what you think it’s supposed to be doing,” I manage between coughs.
“Shh.” Molly waves a bundle of sage in front of my face again. “We have to do this for the full five minutes or your energy won’t be cleansed.”
Avery shrugs beside her and continues hovering her own bundle of sage over me in figure-eight patterns.
Going to therapy these past few weeks has been nothing like I’d imagined it would be.
I genuinely thought I’d be lying on a couch while a therapist showed me pictures of ink blots.
Instead, I have meetings twice a week via video call in the comfort of my own bedroom.
Miriam is such a good fit; she’s always patient and understanding. It’s been a journey to fill her in on my life.
It became evident pretty quickly that I’d never fully closed the door on Chuck or let myself heal from the festering wound of his infidelity. The best course of action was to avoid isolating myself, as much as I wanted to, while I process my new reality.
My friends rushed back to the city once I let them know I was home. The last two weeks, I’ve made an effort to lean on them for support—as uncomfortable and new as it has been for me to do so.
Whether it’s going to eat udon with Avery or a dance class with Molly, I’ve been feeling a bit more alive again.
They both cleared up their schedules for this spontaneous ceremony in an effort to help me cut all ties with my asshole ex-boyfriend, once and for all.
“Do you feel any different?” Avery asks hopefully. “Honestly, I’m feeling properly cleansed.”
I stroll over to the windows and open as many as I can to let the fresh air in. The end-of-summer breeze wafts through the living room, cool and sweet.
“See, I told you.” Molly extinguishes her bundle of sage. “I felt amazing after I did a cleanse last summer at my parents’ resort.”
“Are you sure it was from the sage and not from the multiple lavender colonics you did?” I can’t help the laugh escaping me, the sound feeling foreign in my body. The On Cloud Nine resort Molly’s family owns seems to have some of the most outlandish wellness treatments I’ve ever heard of.
“Hey, don’t knock it ’til you try it.” My roommate takes a seat on one of the plush chairs in the room’s corner.
“Okay, what else can we do?” Avery muses, flipping through a magazine in her lap. “We’ve done chanting, invocation, collaging, eating an entire chocolate cake, and now burning.”
The corners of my lips rise slightly as I watch both of my friends search for the remedy to my problems. I wish the cure-all would just appear in front of me so that I could hold it in my own hands.
Huh.
Hold the solution in my own hands?
“I think I got it. Just give me a second. I’ll be right back.” I run down a flight of stairs to my room and rip open my closet doors. In the corner, hidden beneath the rows of clothes, is a familiar sweatshirt. I pull it out and return to the upstairs living room.
“Hey!” Avery springs to life. “I’ve been looking for that!”
“Well, look no further.” I hold up the old, oversized University of North Carolina sweatshirt.
The place where everything ended with Chuck and where I changed who I was.
My sheer robe shifts on my arm, revealing the lily tattoo Nico and I got this summer. I do my best to brush away the ache I feel every time I notice it.
“Are we going to light it on fire?” Avery’s face glows with an unparalleled level of excitement. Molly rushes beside her, eyes just as wide as my best friend’s.
“First, wax candles in the bedroom, and now this,” I say. “Have you become a little pyromaniac, Ave?”
“Of course not.” She blushes.
We giggle loudly, and I let myself swim in the sound for a moment.
Little did I know that all I had to do was admit that I wasn’t okay and the people who love me would’ve come barreling in with reinforcements. I just kept pushing myself into a box, trying to fold up all the edges and not become an inconvenience to anyone.
“We can use the grill on the back patio,” Molly offers. “Although, I don’t think I’ve ever actually turned it on before.”
That sounds like a great way to get the fire department to arrive on the scene.
“I was thinking I could just chop it up and throw it in the trash.” “That’s so anticlimactic.” Avery sighs.
“Burn it, burn it, burn it, burn it.” My friends chant, their fists bouncing and robes flowing.
Thirty minutes later, after we figured out how to install the gas canister into the grill, we watch the flames grow wild on the burners.
“Okay, I’m going to do it.” I turn to Avery, whose gaze is filled with anticipation. “Are you sure it’s alright that I destroy this? It is technically yours.”
“Oh yeah. If this will help, then burn the thing! I’ll just donate to a textile waste foundation to help offset a little of this greenhouse gas we’re creating.”
Of course she will.
“I’ll remind you of it tomorrow,” Molly chimes in beside her.
I toss the sweatshirt onto the grill, and the flames slowly envelop the fabric. We watch the fire dance around, suffocating the old token of my past.
A relief I didn’t expect floods into my chest, more soothing than the other attempts we’ve tried today.
A new beginning with no memories hidden away in my closet.
“There’s one more thing you have to do, Lil.” Avery hands over my cell phone with a knowing look in her hazel eyes.
While the last remnants of the sweater burn, I scroll through my contacts until my finger lands on Never Fucking Answer.
I open it and finally hit the block button. Then I navigate through the countless other platforms he’s tried to contact me on and block him there too.
No more annual birthday texts. No more DMs.
A lifetime of space for new memories.
 |
FOR THE PAST MONTH, my therapist has been encouraging me to do things that bring me joy.
Being forced to take this semester off from college has been a blessing in disguise. I’ve let myself fill my days with storytelling and daydreaming. I can’t believe a part of me wanted to give up writing romance for good.
Having my book plagiarized scared me. It made me feel violated and alone. And I let Chuck and my creative writing professor plant doubts in my head that my voice isn’t serious.
But I never should have doubted myself. I’m capable and, obviously, successful.
The money in my bank account proves to me that this whole author thing is very, very real.
Getting a business degree was never truly my dream.
The first time I tried writing this month, only plots of taking down some douchebag came to mind, but I don’t want to write those stories anymore.
The surfer novella I began in Brazil was a great starting point for a work that’s more meaningful.
Of course, the hero of the book resembles Nico and, this time, I can’t wait to admit that to him.
Relearning how to think about love through therapy and storytelling has been liberating.
“You have to come out of there eventually.” Molly raps at my bedroom door and steps into the room, pulling my eyes away from my computer screen.
Her outfit today is a pair of black pants, a cotton sweater, and a ribbon pulling her copper curls above her head. It’s the complete opposite of her typically vibrant assortment of colors.
“I’m flowing,” I remind her, taking another bite of popcorn and Flamin’ Hot Cheetos—the superior writing combo. I unglue myself properly from the screen and turn to face my roommate. I wipe the fluorescent-red dust off my fingers and onto a paper towel.
“You’ve been in this writing cave for ten days, and we need to celebrate,” Molly says.
“I haven’t heard back from Tianna, so I’m not sure if we should celebrate yet.”
Tianna, the lawyer Luca introduced me to, is wrapping up the case against Professor Miller. I need to decide by next week if I’m going to follow through with presenting my case to the college board so that I can appeal my failed creative writing grade and have Professor Miller reprimanded.
Going through with the case means I’ll publicly out myself as Zoe Mona. It’s a decision I’m not approaching lightly.
I’m not ashamed of my almost decade-long hidden identity, but I don’t think I can ever be just Zoe Mona again.
It may be time for me to fully be Lily Rodin, whether it’s in writing or falling in love.
I want to be myself, the girl I was before the heartbreak. The girl who put her heart on the line and dreamed big.
No more secrets.
“Oh, no, that’s not what I was talking about,” Molly says. My eyebrows knit in confusion.
“I’m the one with news today.” Molly holds her hand out in front of my eyes. A stone large enough to use as a house foundation stares back at me.
I gasp. “You’re engaged! To who?” I eye the ten-carat diamond dangling from her finger. “Not to Lance?”
“Yes to Lance.” She yanks her hand away defensively. “Who else?”
My chest tightens. “That’s not how I meant it. I’m sorry. Molly, I thought you don’t even like him.”
“I like him—”
“Nine months ago, he lied to you and took you to a dude ranch instead of the Eiffel Tower for New Year’s.”
She sighs, leaning on my dresser. “It was an accident. Paris, Texas, and Paris, France, sound similar. He did me a favor. I hate the cold.”
“You’re allergic to hay.”
“Nothing I couldn’t take care of.” Her shoulders slump. “Besides, he didn’t know that I would get a rash and have to go to the hospital.”
“But—”
Molly shakes her head. “Enough, Lil. My parents like him,” she reminds me. “He’s decent enough. I’ll make it work.”
I’m not exactly qualified to give advice on love. “Whatever you say.” “Alright, Miss Judgmental. When are you finally going to tell your
heartthrob Navarro brother about the book you’re writing?”
“Shut up.” I smile. I haven’t yet confirmed to either Avery or Molly that my new book is about Nico. I’ve promised myself to not keep any more secrets, but I want to share it with him first. If he’ll let me.
“Have you spoken to him yet?” Molly asks. “No.”
I want to tell him to drop everything and fly to me right now, but Miriam recommended I wait a few more weeks to regulate my schedule before welcoming him back into my life—however he wants to be a part of it.
As much as I want to disregard her advice, she’s been right about a lot of things, and I need to give this whole healthy relationship thing a chance.
What’s a couple of months when hopefully we’ll have a lifetime together?
I run my hand over the journal to the left of my laptop. The journal with all of Nico’s letters. Pages and pages of him falling in love with me while I pretended to be none the wiser. I’ve read the love confessions daily.
“I’m here for you in whatever capacity you need me.” Molly smiles. “I’m hoping I’ll be ready to talk to him soon.”
There’s a droplet of doubt still swimming in me, a fear of the possibility that he could change his mind. It would be easy for him to jet away on
another three-month trip, forgetting all about me. I wouldn’t even blame him.
“You will be. It’s okay for it to take a little bit of time. All good things are worth the wait.”
|
“OPEN UP.” I pound my fist on the door of Avery’s Upper West Side apartment. Her husband swings it open, greeting me with a perplexed look.
“Lily, come on—”
I push past Luca and into their gorgeous three-bedroom apartment with city views through the floor-to-ceiling windows.
I spot my best friend sitting on the couch.
“Avery!” The three shots of tequila sing in my veins as I wrap my arms around her. “I did it!”
“Drank your weight in tequila?”
“I’m the proud owner”—I swallow the hiccup brimming my throat—“of a bachelor of arts degree in English Literature.”
“Seriously?” Avery wriggles away from me, connecting her hazel eyes with mine.
“I don’t get the diploma until December, but yes, I’m officially done with college.” I kick off my boots on their fuzzy white rug. It takes Luca a fraction of a second to pick up my shoes and walk them back to the entryway.
“So does that mean the school board sided with you?” Avery shifts beside me.
“Yes, after the board met with Tianna and me today—thanks for her, by the way”—I nod toward Luca as the hiccups come again—“they agreed to terminate Professor Miller. As an apology, they issued a passing grade for my creative writing class last spring. Which means I had enough credits to graduate as an English major, and I said fuck it, so here we are.” I throw my hands above me.
Avery wraps herself around me, squeezing tightly. “I’m so proud of you, Lily.”
“No more soul-sucking financial modeling classes or late-night study sessions in the library.” I pull myself out of her embrace and stumble over
to the liquor cabinet tucked away beneath their kitchen island. I grab the first bottle I see. “Can I open this?”
Luca hurries to take the wine out of my hand, concern on his serious face. “Let me do that.”
“Be my guest.” I nudge his arm with my elbow. He forces a tight smile.
Who could blame him? It’s probably a four-hundred-dollar bottle of wine he casually drinks on Tuesdays.
Avery joins us in the kitchen and leans on the counter. “I wish I had a gift for you or something. You threw me a giant party when I graduated from Columbia.”
“I’m just happy you’re my best friend, Ave, and that you’ve been here to support me.” I sling myself around her like a needy child.
I’m horribly touch-starved.
She laughs, and I realize this is better than any graduation walk or silly business degree. My best friend, her doting husband, and I are in New York. I’m a college graduate after five long years of classes and indecision.
The only thing missing is the other person I want to share this moment with more than anyone else in the world.
Nico.
Avery squeals. “I love drunk Lily. You’re so cuddly.”
My hands cup the tiny baby bump on my best friend’s stomach. I direct my voice right at the little peanut swimming around in there. “Baby, your mama is my favorite. Please don’t rip her vagina to pieces on your way out.”
Avery slaps me away despite her fit of giggles. “I actually found an oil that helps prevent that.”
“Of course you did,” I say. Luca hands me a glass of red wine and gives Avery a glass of seltzer. “Thank you.”
His face returns to its typical earnest expression. “Does this mean you’re going to proceed with signing the paperwork for the court settlement against your professor?”
“It’s so fancy when you put it that way, but yes, I signed the documents and am just waiting for the courts to set a settlement date.”
“You’re really sure?” My best friend’s concerned brows stitch together, and it only makes me love her more deeply.
“There’s nothing to lose anymore, right?” I raise my glass. “I actually have something else to tell you.” Avery quirks her head, waiting for me to continue. “I’ve decided to stop hiding behind the Zoe Mona persona and write a book under my own name.”
Her hands clasp over her mouth. “Seriously?” She yells, jumping in her seat. “I’m so happy for you, Lily.”
I feel confident in my decision. “I’m happy too.”
Avery picks up her glass of seltzer water and clinks it with my wineglass.
“What’s your new book going to be about?” Luca asks. I smile into my stemware. “Um—”
“It’s about Nico, huh?” My best friend nudges her husband’s arm.
“I don’t know.” I shrug, but secretly shoot Avery a wink. “You guys will have to find out when it comes out next year.”
Her hand reaches for mine, giving it a tight squeeze. I’m so incredibly lucky to have such a great friend.
“If it’s anything like Coastal Fling, I don’t think we should keep it at the house or my mom will read it.” Luca takes another drink, but the smile on his face is impossible to miss.
“You know, he’s been calling us, unsubtly asking for updates about you,” Avery says.
“Oh, really?” I take a sip of wine. It’s impossible to ignore the strum of excitement I feel about the possibility of him checking in on me. “How’s he doing?”
“Actually, he’s talked about moving back to New York,” Luca says. “He mentioned wanting to be close to Little Nicky now that he’s bound to be an uncle.”
Avery scoffs. “We are definitely not naming our daughter that.”
I’m excited about the possibility of Nico being back in the city, but is his new niece really the only reason he’s considering moving here?
Luca plants a kiss on my best friend’s forehead like Nico did to me all summer.
I miss him terribly.
“Having a fun uncle around will be really nice,” I say.
“I’m sure he’ll be happy to see you too.” Luca doesn’t beat around the bush. He tilts his head, inspecting me. “But, Lily, you’re not going to hurt my brother. Are you?”
“I promise I won’t.” I nod at him, and he salutes me with his glass in silent approval. “I love you guys.”
My heart swells with love for my little found family.
