“ARE YOU ALIVE BACK THERE?” Nico turns around to catch me dragging myself up the trail.
“I’m pretty sure I’m gonna vomit up my lungs.” My legs give out, and my butt makes friends with the ground.
He rushes over to me. “No, don’t give up just as we’re almost there.”
We’ve been heaving up the side of this mountain for what feels like hours. I suppose it would be more correct to say I’ve been heaving while Nico’s barely broken a sweat.
“How did I let you convince me to do this?”
I don’t know why I asked. It’s probably because Nico woke me up with tea before we made each other come beneath the sunrise. I keep reminding myself that it’s just foreplay. But it was fun and simple, in a way it hasn’t been with someone in a while.
When he proposed the hike after our orgasmic haze, I couldn’t decline. I’m barely able to wrap my mind around the past two days and the fact that I’ve actually let him convince me that being fuck buddies is a good idea.
But I can handle my feelings. Or lack thereof.
“C’mon, be a good sport.” Nico hooks my left arm around his neck, forcing the obliterated muscles in my legs to stand.
My feet drag as he pulls me along. “Please don’t make me keep going.” “Want me to carry you?”
I nod.
He chuckles, hands me his water bottle, and crouches beside me. “This isn’t breaking one of your rules?”
“It’s an emergency,” I plead.
“Good to know I can call a crisis anytime I want to break the rules.”
I hop onto his back, clasping his taut shoulders, and wrap my legs around him.
“Rule bending, not breaking.”
“Sure.” Nico’s fingers dig into my thighs as he trudges up the trail. “I promise, this is one of the best views in the city.”
I stare at my surroundings, feeling lucky despite the exhaustion. This can’t be Nico’s life all the time.
“Are you planning on doing this for the rest of the summer?”
He gives my thighs another rousing squeeze. “Are you trying to say I’m not hard at work?”
“No, not at all. I’ve just been thinking about how you seem to thrive without much structure or goals to guide you forward. It’s new to me.”
“Reaching the top of this trail is a goal, Lil.”
I hate how my questions make it seem like he’s some schlub. “You know what I mean. How do you feel productive when most of your time looks like a vacation?”
“Rest is just as important as work, pretty girl.”
His words barely register with a hint of truth. I shake my head at the nickname. Nico has come up with so many names for me; I can barely guess which one he’s going to use next.
“Yes.” I breathe out a frustrated sigh. “But what about daily to-dos? Work goals? A five-year plan?” My voice squawks like an agitated peacock.
“What’s gotten into you?”
“I’m genuinely trying to understand you better.” Maybe I’m also attempting to rationalize the idea of traveling for the rest of the summer.
Nico effortlessly reaches the peak of the trail. I slither down the muscular plane of his back.
“Humor me for a sec,” he says, taking my hand in his. I instinctively yank it away, but he clasps harder.
“No hand-holding,” I remind him. “It’s an emergency,” Nico whispers.
My eyes roll. “I knew that was going to come back to bite me.”
He leads me to the overlook, not getting too close to the edge, and I peer down the cliff’s drop. The Carioca landscape is overwhelmingly beautiful. Mountain ranges collide with the bluest sea I’ve ever seen.
“How does this make you feel?” Nico gestures to the view.
I inhale and savor his smell mixing with the summer air around us.
Leaves rustle in the wind. Birds chirp.
Ah, peace.
“It makes me feel…nice.”
“And isn’t going to the beach and sipping on fruity drinks nice also?”
It is. Wonderful even. Something to be extremely grateful for, but it isn’t meant to be like this all the time. Between the haze of school and work, I’ve been able to fit in some sporadic fun with Avery or random flings, but like now, those moments were fleeting. “Obviously, they’re great, but they’re not productive. They’re not goals.”
“You know you have worth even without goals and productivity?”
Do I?
“Yeah, right.” I wave my hand, brushing away his sentiment.
Nico frowns. “Why can’t the goal be to simply have a good time?”
One of my shoulders slumps. Panic needles into my brain again. I guess no number of mind-blowing orgasms will save me from facing reality.
“What’s wrong?” he asks. “I guess I’m feeling guilty.”
Nico turns toward me, concern lacing his features. “About what, Lil?” “I’m not in New York right now, actively looking for a job. I’m also not
taking summer classes to speed up my major or paying rent for my room at Molly’s.”
“You’ve got a lot on your plate, beautiful.” He swipes a few frizzy strands of hair out of my face. I only now realize he hasn’t let go of my fingers the entire time we were standing here. “Let’s think about this for a sec. Semester doesn’t start until August, right?”
I step forward, dropping out of his reach. We can’t break rule number two any longer.
“Yeah.” I sigh. “End of August.”
“Then everything you’re worried about at this moment is future Lily’s problem. Not current Lily’s problem.”
If only it were that easy. “Future me likes to be prepared. If I don’t get a new job, I can’t know my schedule, and if I don’t register for classes, then I can’t tell my new boss what my hours will look like—”
His hands land on my shoulders, stopping my bout of word vomit. Nico tilts his forehead toward me and takes a deep breath.
On the second round, I join him for a relaxing inhale.
“Can I ask you something that might annoy you?” Nico asks. “Sure.”
His eyebrows furrow as though he’s pondering the great mystery of life. “Why are you going to college?”
I pause at his question. “Um, I guess I like learning even if the entire structure of school is overwhelming. Besides, it’s just something I have to do.”
“I don’t think anyone needs to do anything.” He smiles at me, genuine interest sparkling in his eyes.
I can’t tell him the real reason, it’ll leave me too exposed.
Sorry, Little Lily, but I need to be with someone who has a plan for their life and you…well, without that, what value do you bring?
Chuck’s voice rings in my mind as loud and clear as it did all those years ago.
The fucking asshole has made me question my worth every step of the way.
Nico’s mouth slopes downward, and I’m realizing I hate it when the sunshine leaves his face.
“It’s a way for me to truly make something of myself,” I finally offer.
“You’ve already made something of yourself. You’re here, aren’t you?
All in one piece.”
“Merely existing isn’t exactly a valuable currency.”
“Terrible perspective.” Is it? “Look, I’m not trying to stress you out or cause an existential crisis or anything, but maybe you don’t need to go to college. I mean, I dropped out and turned out fine.”
A sardonic grunt clips out of me. “Because you have a passion. I, on the other hand, feel like I was thrown into the driver’s seat of an adulthood car without any directions to the place everyone seems to be going.”
“Damn, Lil, very heavy.” Nico’s gaze follows a pair of tourists leaving a bench. We scramble to get the empty spot. “But everyone has obstacles. I mean, have you met my brother?”
“Yeah, I think he married my best friend,” I tease. “His name is Luca, right?”
He can’t help but laugh. “Watch it. That sarcasm is going to earn you a firm smack on the ass.” I try to ignore the twinge of excitement weaseling its way back into me as we sit down on the bench. “But seriously, my
family was crushed when I dropped out of college. A long line of lawyers on my dad’s side and a mother who’s this genius architect. I was supposed to follow in their footsteps. I had it all planned out, entertainment law. It was definitely the coolest-sounding option out of all of them.”
“What? I had no idea.”
Nico shrugs. “In the grand scheme of things, it was a small blip in my life. I gave it a try but loathed it. Like you said, the structure didn’t work for me.”
Hmm. “Almost as if it’s not always one-size-fits-all.”
I wish someone had helped me understand that a few years ago because college makes me feel like I’m doing the right thing: ticking off the box everyone is supposed to. But it’s nearly impossible to not compare myself to others. Even if we’re all walking down a different road. I simply don’t have my thing figured out yet.
“Exactly. But I only fell in love with coding when I met my Flight Falcon cofounder. I’d spend hours teaching myself how to solve different problems and build things.”
“You’re lucky.” I open the water bottle I’ve been holding onto since my piggyback ride. “I wish it was that easy for me to make money doing what I love.”
Is passion meant to be hard to come by? Does it creep up on you when you least expect it?
“I am lucky.” Nico takes the water from me, drains it, and passes the bottle back. Damn, I wanted some more of that. “Going to college is important. It just didn’t fit me. I wouldn’t have known if I hadn’t tried it on for size, but I was restless. I needed to travel.” Nico grins. “Right now, I have the freedom to create without having to manage others. Only responsible for myself.”
I smile at his honesty. “You, in charge of people? You’re right. Very scary.”
“Hey, I could do it if I wanted to.”
I frown at the empty water bottle in my hand, but he doesn’t notice. “Mhmm.”
Nico wipes the strands of damp hair from his eyes. “You’ve got to have a passion. Is there anything that really speaks to you? Something that gets you in a flow state?”
“Flow state?” I tilt my head.
“Yeah, like when you’re entirely absorbed by a task or project, and it’s as if your mind and body are suddenly fluid. The world melts away, and time goes with it. It’s you and the one thing that makes you happy.”
Writing. The answer comes to mind immediately. Followed by the bittersweet stain of my secret on my mind. But writing is exactly what makes me feel how Nico described. When I’m at my keyboard, lost between pages of my imagination, it’s effervescent and all-consuming. Sometimes even better than s*x.
“I enjoy my literature classes.” I manage to keep my answer vague.
“Why?” He crosses his ankle over his knee and turns his shoulders to
me.
“I guess, the feeling of being ripped out of reality and transported
somewhere new. Learning about other people’s experiences, feelings, hurt, and happiness through different eyes.”
Nico nods, placing the reassuring weight of his hand on my thigh, and I let him. “Sounds like you should major in English.”
“I don’t know, I could’ve finished my English lit degree, but failed a creative writing class last semester, which made me three credits short of graduation. Anyway, a business degree is more practical.”
“Failing a class? Not very Professor Lily of you.”
I send my shoulder into his chest, and Nico tumbles back, feigning hurt. “Don’t kick me while I’m down,” I say.
He laughs off the bump. “Alright, alright.”
“I’ll be honest, the whole college thing feels like it’s never-ending sometimes.”
“Doing something you love shouldn’t feel draining.”
Maybe. Or perhaps life isn’t always a walk in the park. “Sometimes, we have to do things we don’t like.”
“Sure, but everyone needs a little pleasure in their life.” Nico winks. “Or a lot of pleasure, in our case.”
My chest swells at the tenderness in his voice. I’ve never been able to talk to anyone else about this and feel understood. My friends and family all graduated college. My own parents assumed once I met Chuck that my life would piece itself together and I would become the perfect housewife. College was a supporting role in the future they thought I’d make for myself, not the lead. Unlike my older sister, Kira, with her PhD program, or my younger sister, Dara, with her gymnastics scholarship.
Even my best friend set her mind on one passion and pursued it until she became an executive at the company she’s admired all her life.
“I guess you’re right.”
“I love it when you say that. So, it’s settled.” Nico stands and extends his hand to me, almost in a courtly bow. “You’re staying for the rest of the summer, princesa.”
“Not this again.”
He smirks. “You need a goal, you said so yourself. Maybe taking a step back from what you think you should be doing and considering what would make you happy can be that goal.”
I suppose it could be a goal, even if it’s not one I can measure right now. I’ve never truly given myself time before.
The Coastal Fling release has padded my bank account, and with Nico being so generous during our trip, spending a little bit more time figuring out my next steps may not be the worst thing.
“Fine.” I weave my fingers into his outstretched hand and pull myself up. “Maybe, I’ll think about it.”
What’s the worst that could happen?
