AOIFE
WITH KEANE’S Somewhere Only We Know blasting from the car stereo, and my good nerves in tatters, I pulled up outside 95 Elk’s Terrace and killed the engine. Taking a few moments to compose my emotions, I pulled the visor down and checked my appearance in the tiny mirror.
Reapplying my lips with a fresh coat of Black Cherry, I pressed my lips together and practiced my best smile before blowing out a shaky breath and popping the lid of my lipstick back into place.
You can do this. He’s still your Joey. He’s still in there.
Bring him back.
Pulling my hair out of its ponytail, I fluffed it over my shoulders and tossed my hair-tie on the passenger seat, and then climbed out of the car.
Braced for trouble, I rounded the graffiti-stained wall surrounding their front garden, ignoring the usual overgrowth of grass and weeds, as I moved for the front door with my fist raised to knock. However, the door opened before I had a chance to knock, and I was greeted by Shannon.
“Oh my god.” Relief flashed in her eyes, and she quickly snatched my hand up and pulled me inside. “Aoif.”
“Hi, chickie,” I replied, voice thick with emotion, as I pulled her skinny little frame into my arms and hugged her a little tighter than I should. I couldn’t help it. The last time I’d laid eyes on her, I’d been afraid that it would be the actual last. Seeing her back on her feet, battered and bruised but with a smile on her face was sending my pregnancy hormones into overdrive. “I was so bloody worried about you.”
“Thank you so much for what you did for me,” she squeezed out, hugging me back. “Getting me to the hospital so fast? The doctors told me that you guys saved my life. I wouldn’t have made it if I had gotten there any later.”
“That was all your brother,” I was quick to explain. “Joe was the one who made the call.”
“He’s always saving me,” she whispered, releasing her hold on me. “I wish I could do the same for him.”
Yeah, me, too.
“Where are the boys?”
“In their room playing,” she was quick to explain. “Mam’s in bed.” “And Darren?”
Her expression turned stormy. “Don’t know. Don’t care.” “And Joe?”
“He’s upstairs.” Offering me a sad smile, she gestured to the staircase behind her. “After he put Mam to bed and sorted the boys out, he went into his room and hasn’t come out since.”
Thank God.
He’s still here.
He’s still safe.
“So, how was he?” I asked, following her into the thankfully empty kitchen. “When you brought him to Johnny’s place?”
She chewed on her lip nervously, clearing unwilling to betray her brother’s trust.
“Shan, come on,” I said in a weary tone. We were way past the pretenses. “It’s me.”
“I think he’s back on the…well, the uh, you know.” Drugs.
She meant drugs.
“When I found him, he had stumbled out of Shane Holland’s car and was sprawled out on the road,” she added, moving for the kettle. “He wasn’t uh, he wasn’t himself.”
No shit.
Because that bastard sunk his claws into a vulnerable lad with a grade 3 concussion, three cracks in his skull, and a lifetime of abuse under his belt.
“How bad was he?” I forced myself to ask her. “Tea?”
“No thanks. Back to Joe. How bad was he?”
“Not that—”
“Don’t lie to me, Shan. Not about him.”
After a long pause, Shannon tossed her soggy teabag in the sink and blew out a strained breath. “He was the worst I’ve ever seen him.”
I already knew it, but somehow, hearing her admit it made it all a million times worse. Because Joey was the master of concealment. He buried everything from his siblings, the fear, ache, and pain, desperate to protect them. If Shannon and Tadhg were both seeing the cracks in Joey’s meticulously masked world, though, then they were as wide as the Grand Canyon.
Fuck.
“Okay.” As a tsunami of concern and fear crashed over me, I abruptly turned on my heels and moved for the door. “I’m going up there.”
“Wait.” Hurrying towards me with what looked like a ham sandwich on a small plate, Shannon thrust it into my hands. “Can you give this to him?” With her eyes full of unrestrained panic, she shrugged helplessly. “He had a little dinner earlier, but he just looks so… gaunt.”
I didn’t have the words to make her feel better, Joe was the only one I’d ever seen manage his sister’s anxiety, so I offered her a half-hearted smile and moved for the staircase. Ignoring my pulse thundering in my ears I climbed the stairs and walked to his door.
“Joe?” I knocked lightly before pushing the door inwards and stepping inside.
His room was in darkness, with his curtains closed, and clothes strewn everywhere, which wasn’t like him. The boy kept his room remarkably spotless given the circumstances, but right now, it looked like a pigsty.
“Joe?” I croaked out, feeling my heart-rate spike when my gaze landed on him face down on the bottom bunk of his bed. Wearing only a pair of black boxer shorts, every bruise, scar, and blemish on his body was on full display. “Joe?”
I wasn’t naïve enough to believe that it was exhaustion that had plummeted him into a deep slumber. With my heart in tatters and my hope hanging by a thread, I closed the door behind me, set the plate down on the dresser, and removed his phone and wallet from my handbag. Setting it and his wallet on the dresser, I attached his phone to its charger before moving for the bed. Kicking off my heels, I removed my coat and apron, letting them fall to the floor, before clambering onto the bed. Repressing a shiver when the distinct stench of vinegar and weed filled my senses, I settled down on my side, facing him.
“Come back to me, Joe,” I whispered, reaching out to stroke his bruised cheek. “I know you’re still in there.”
Stiffening when my hand made contact with his skin, I watched as a full body shudder rolled through him.
A god-awful pained cry escaped his parted swollen lips and he moaned drowsily into the mattress, as his body stiffened and flinched with every gentle stroke of my thumb on his cheek.
Fucking monsters.
The both of them.
We were so far away from each other even though we were laying side by
side, with a baby we’d made together growing in my belly. He had never felt more detached from me.
I knew he was still in there, though.
My Joey was still inside the person strung out next to me. And I loved him enough to keep fighting for him.
Even when he’d given up on himself.
“It’s okay.” Sniffling, I didn’t bother to fight the tears that were trickling down my cheeks, as my eyes took in the carnage. Knowing in my heart that the damage to his face paled in comparison to the damage to his heart. “Nothing’s going to hurt you, baby.”
“Mol…” With a great deal of effort, he shifted onto his side to face me and blinked an eye open. “…loy.”
I smiled sadly. “Hey, stud.”
“I’m…sorry.” His words were slurred, his eyes bloodshot, his pupils dilated. “So…sorry.”
“I know, Joe.” Moving closer, I cupped his damaged cheek with the palm of my hand and leaned in close. “I know.”
“The…baby.”
“Still cooking,” I pressed a featherlight kiss to the tip of his nose. “What have you done to yourself, huh?”
He groaned in response. “I was coming…to find you, I swear. I just got…”
“Sidetracked,” I answered for him, breaking my own heart in the process. “Yeah, I can see that, Joe.”
And this is it, I thought to myself, this is your future. This is the boy your heart is set on.
“I need you to get back up, Joe.” Crying quietly, I pushed his hair off his
face and pressed a kiss to his forehead. “I’m hanging in here, baby, doing the fighting for both of us, but I needed to climb back on your feet.”
“I’m just so…tired.”
“I know you are,” I agreed, feeling my soul crack. “But I need you to keep fighting.”
“I’m no…good for…you.” “That’s not true.”
“I don’t have feelings anymore.”
“Yes, you do, Joe,” I whispered, clinging to his trembling body with mine. “You just need to remember who you are.”
“I tried to warn you,” he slurred. “You didn’t hear me and now we’re both fucked.”
