The night was clear with a hint of frost, but I was already frozen inside. I sat in the courtyard, staring at the solitary moon in the sky. Could my mother see me? For the first time, I hoped she did not. I did not want her to sense my pain, to know what a fool I had been.
A shadow fell over me, but I did not look up. Not even when he sat beside me.
โXingyin, let me explain.โ
My fists clenched in my lap, the veins straining against the skin. To have my love toyed with so callously, as a
blossom plucked and left to wilt on the ground. I deserved more than this. I would salvage what pride remained, for I had lost too much already.
โYour Highness, do you require my assistance? If not, Iโll retire for the night.โ
โWill you listen to me?โ The light in his eyes was extinguished, drowned in an abyss.
I stood up, my legs like planks of wood. He reached for my arm but I recoiled, not wanting to be touchedโleast of all by him.
โVery well.โ His voice was taut. โYou may assist me tonight.โ
I followed him in silence to his room. I lit the lamps,
heated the coals in the brazier, warmed a jug of wine, and brought him a fresh set of clothes. On the table, I placed his books and materials for tomorrow. I had performed
these tasks for him countless times before, yet never with such cold precision nor such an unwilling heart.
He stood there, watching me with those dark,
unfathomable eyes. When he raised his arms, I slipped off his dark blue coat and then his white and silver robe,
hanging them up on a wooden stand. I drew out the gold hairpin and plucked the crown from his head. His hair fell over his shoulders and I combed through it, careful not to let a single strand touch me.
When I finished, I bowed and turned to leave. โI have not dismissed you,โ he said quietly.
โI have performed all my duties. What else do you need me to help you with?โ My voice was flat, my heart leaden. I could not stomach this pretense for much longer.
โSit. Listen.โ He added, โPlease.โ
Though my pride raged at me to leave, I lowered myself onto a chair. Staring at the flickering candle on the table, I decided that I would stay until it was extinguished. No
more would he have of me.
Liwei sat beside me, running his hands through his hair. I noted with detachment that my efforts with the comb had
been for naught.
โMy mother always wanted to strengthen our ties with the Phoenix Kingdom. They are a powerful domain, a
desirable alliance, and her kinโalthough Queen Fengjin is a distant relation. When the sunbirds were slain, shot down under our watch, the bond between our kingdoms was
strained.โ
He drew a ragged breath. โIt was then that she pushed harder for a betrothal between Princess Fengmei and me. I never agreed, even though it was my duty, what was
expected of me. I had no wish to marry someone I did not
love. Years passed and I believed she had abandoned the idea. When I left you yesterday, I went to my parents,
intending to tell them of us. They informed me then that a betrothal had been settled that very day between Princess Fengmei and me. Of course, I refused! But they explained
the urgency of the union. Beyond prestige, it was to ensure our survival. The Phoenix Queen is restless. According to our spies, our enemies have made overtures to her to join against us. We canโt afford to lose the friendship of the Phoenix Kingdom now, much less have them as our enemy. Not when weโve been weakened after the war with the
Demon Realm. Not when weโre threatened by them still.
The truce between us hangs by the most tenuous of threads, likely to snap should they gain the advantageโand we are certain they are scheming against us, even now.โ
He continued in that dull, flat tone. โI must protect my kingdom and family, however I can. I cannot willfully do
anything which might endanger them. I cannot be selfish, no matter how much I want to be.โ
Silence stretched between us, as wide as a gaping chasm.
His words were meant to be a comfort, but I was
wretched inside. Perhaps I could have borne it better if he were forced. But to know he had accepted this betrothal of his own will hurt more than a fist plowed into my gut.
Yet logic was merciless and reason relentless, unsparing of my wounded heart. Would I have chosen any differently from what he had? Would I not have made any sacrifice to save my family and home?
It was not enough. Not enough to ease this ache in my chest, this lump in my throat, this queasiness churning in the pit of my stomach. He had said he loved me, and then
promised himself to another. I was sick with these writhing, twisting emotions which swelled and burned and scorched from within. But he would not know my despair; I would
not tell him. Not to spare his feelings but my own. To weep before him, to beg or pleadโthat I could not bear.
Whatever happened, I would hold my head up high. My
pride was what I had clung to during my most trying times, it was what I had left now.
But it was not easy. I fixed my gaze upon the wavering candlelight, fighting for calm. Why was it that the times which called for greatest strength were when we were at
our weakest? I looked away from him, not from spite, but to hide my tears.
Remembering the folded note in my pouch, I pulled it out with trembling fingers. How cruelly prophetic my jest;
there were indeed no prizes in this game of hearts. My grip tightened around the paper, crushing it into a ball. How
foolish I had been to think everything would work out, just like in the books I had read: the lost child found by his mother, the monster defeated by a valiant warrior, the princess saved by the prince. But I was no princess and
fairy tales did not exist for the likes of me, not even in heaven.
Somehow, I found the strength to say the words that
needed to be said. The ones which would set him free, the ones which would break my heart. โI understand. I do. But I must leave.โ
โYou donโt have to. Iโll always have a place for you here.โ He reached for me, but then drew back at the last moment, his fingers folding into a fist.
I would not be indebted to him further, even though some might think this was my due, now that he had broken his
faith with me. But I would not weigh the shards of our love in favors. Grasping the threads of my dignity, I shrouded myself in indifference.
โWhat place can you offer me? As one of your attendants? Someone to play with your future children? A companion to yourย wife?โ My laugh was jagged and hard. โI want more of life.โ
It was his turn to look away. โWhere will you go? Iโll help you find another position. Anywhere you wish.โ
โNo,โ I said quickly, too quickly. It would have been so easy to accept, to let him ease my path. A fierce gladness
clutched at me that I was not forced to accept his kindness. That I had won a position through my own merit, not his favor. I would be beholden to no one. My path forward was clear, I had no reason to delay. Perhaps being in the army would help me forget all which had transpired here.
Perhaps starting anew would give me the chance to heal. I pulled the hairpin from my hair and offered it to him,
the clear stones glittering as they caught the light. When he did not take it, I placed it on the table. My fingers
moved sti๏ฌy to the Sky Drop Tassel by my waist, but I hesitated. This, I would keep as a remembrance. It was a gift of friendship and no matter what, he was my friend still.
A crushing weight fell over me, sapping the strength from my limbs. Maybe it was knowing that when I left this room,
I would never return. That our time had come to an end. I thought bitterly, I should be accustomed by now to tearing myself away from those I loved.
Rising to my feet, I cupped my hands together and swept him a low bow. โYour Highness, it was an honor to serve
you.โ
Memories of our time together flashed before my mind: our years of friendship, our few stolen days of love. Then the candle flame flickered, struggling for its final seconds
of life before curling into a wisp of smoke . . . the room now enveloped in darkness.
