“Uno!” Ani throws her arms in the air, flaunting a wild card. Based on Rowan throwing his stack of cards down, he did too.
As much as I love Rowan spending time with my sister, his intention is clear. He’s using her as a buffer to avoid talking to me. Anytime my family comes to visit, he immerses himself in small talk. It’s highly suspicious, but I’m too tired to talk to him whenever we’re alone again.
The silence ends today. I’m never going to truly get better if I’m worried about our relationship.
Despite the way my chest contracts at him ignoring me, I can’t help but smile at how he treats my sister. I never thought he would bond with her during his time as her mentor. Their bond really is something special, and it makes my eyes water while watching them.
Rowan is perfect. I never thought I would meet a man like him. It was supposed to be casual, but it’s developed into so much more. From him taking off work to stay by my side at the hospital to him planning a whole book signing just to make me happy, his actions scream more.
If only I could figure out what is bothering him because his evasiveness is only adding to my stress.
The nurse strolls into the room and checks my vitals. She asks some questions and writes information on the whiteboard across from my bed.
“The doctor should be stopping by soon to check on you. You’re responding nicely to the antibiotics, which means you might be able to get out of here tonight.” The nurse smiles and exits the room.
The warmth seeping through my chest is quickly replaced by a chill. Rowan’s jaw ticks as he stares at the closed door.
Ani’s phone beeps. She looks down at the screen before smiling at me. “I need to go. JP is waiting in the parking lot with his mom.” She grins at Rowan before giving me a kiss on top of my head.
“Have fun!” I call out before coughing. Ani shakes her head. “Gross.”
I stick out my tongue.
Ani grins at Rowan as she says goodbye, and he returns it with one of his own. I shouldn’t feel jealous at how sweet he is with her, but I’ve been deprived of his kindness ever since I was admitted to the hospital.
I tuck my shaky hands under the blanket to hide how he makes me feel. “Is everything okay? Really?”
His tight smile doesn’t reach his eyes. “It will be.”
What does that mean? I want to hold him hostage until he gives me an honest answer.
“Are you still upset about what happened in your house?”
He makes a noise in the back of his throat. “No.”
“Then what’s going on? Tell me something more than a few words strung together. Something happened, and unless you’re open with me about it, I can’t fix it.” My voice cracks, revealing how exerted I truly am.
His eyes soften. “There’s nothing to fix. You need to concentrate on getting better rather than on us.”
“Is there still an us?” I voice the one question I’ve been avoiding since I woke up in this place.
His throat bobs and his eyes slide toward the window. “I
—you—” He stumbles over his words.
Oh God. He’s hesitating? He never hesitates.
“I need you to tell me what’s bothering you. Now.” I’m putting my foot down. I’ve had enough of the cryptic answers and half-truths. Whatever Rowan has to say, I’m a big girl. I can handle him and way worse.
“We can talk about this once you’re hom—”
“Cut the bullshit, Rowan. What’s your problem?”
His eyebrows rise at my tone. “You want to know what’s my problem?”
I nod.
“You. This whole damn situation.” He throws his arms out in my general direction.
My muscles lock up. “What do you mean?”
“We were supposed to be something casual. Something fun. This isn’t even close to what I want or need in my life. I have a company to run, a park to oversee, and a lot of shit to work through. People are depending on me, and I’m stuck making sure you’re okay because I feel responsible.”
I wince.
He continues on like he’s not taking a sledgehammer to my heart. “I never asked to play your dutiful boyfriend. That’s not the man I am.”
My lungs protest from my sharp inhale. “You…you can’t mean that.”
We have a connection, no matter how hard he tries to deny it. Sure, while we might not have an official label, we have something special.
He clears his throat. “Us hooking up and going on a couple of dates was supposed to be a way for me to pass some time at Dreamland.”
“Pass some time.” How dare he minimize what we have like that.
He shuts his eyes. “I’ve lost track of what’s important.”
And you’re not it. He doesn’t need to say it, but it’s written all over his face. Tiny fissures in my heart spread, cracking with each hurtful word he yields like an invisible knife.
“I never take off time for work—not even on Christmas. But I felt obligated because you got hurt in my house. I’ve even postponed important meetings and blown off a shit ton of paperwork because…”
“Because what?” Say you care. Say you want me anyway. Say you might be scared, but some things in life are worth the risk.
Say anything but nothing.
He stands, staring at me with an expression similar to the ones he has during boring presentations. I’ve never felt so insignificant—not even when Lance left me. I truly thought Rowan and I had something special. The forever kind of connection I have been hoping for all my life.
I was so wrong.
I let out a bitter laugh. “I don’t know what’s more pathetic—the fact that you deny how much you care about me or the way I’m actually surprised by all of this.”
Nothing but beeping machines fill the silence between us, matching the rapid beat of my heart.
I shake my head. “The problem isn’t work. And it’s definitely not us changing from casual to more, which is your own damn fault when you kept doing things that showed you cared. You made me believe in some fantasy. You made me want more.”
His blank stare sends another chill down my spine. “I always meant to keep things casual. That’s what we agreed on.”
“Well, you did a really shitty job at that. You didn’t have to play the role of a dutiful boyfriend because you were
already acting like one!”
He takes a step back at my outburst.
Breathing hurts, but I don’t care. “Every decision you’ve made up until this point has all been because you care. Because deep down, I think you love me even though you’re too damn scared to admit it.” My voice cracks and I let out a wheeze because my lungs struggle to cooperate.
“Love was never an option. If I made you believe otherwise, I apologize. I would never subject you to that kind of misbelief when I’m moving back to Chicago soon.”
He might as well have slapped me. “What?”
He stares out the stupid window again. “A new Director will be taking over Dreamland at the end of January.”
If I wasn’t attached to an oxygen machine, I’m not sure I would be able to breathe on my own. “Did you—” I rasp. “Did you know this the entire time we were together?”
No. He couldn’t have. I’m sure he would have said something about it. What about his anniversary renovation plan? I don’t understand why he would spend months of his time on a project of that scale for nothing.
“Yes.”
“Did you consider staying longer…” for us?
Rowan breaks my heart all over again when he shakes his head. “I was always meant to go back.”
You’re a fool, Zahra. He’s been hiding this all from you since day one. I sniffle, trying to hold back the tears threatening to burst.
“That’s not what I asked, and you know it. Stop playing your mind games and tell me the truth.”
His jaw ticks. “My personal feelings on the matter are irrelevant.”
I stare down at my trembling hands. “Why are you moving back?” Why are you giving up on us because you’re scared?
“My future is in Chicago.”
My heart feels like Rowan clutched onto it with his cold fist and ripped it out of my chest. “So you say.” My voice cracks.
God. How could I have let myself fall for Rowan despite knowing deep down the kind of man he was?
The muscles in his jaw become more pronounced. “I regret hurting you. This was all a mistake.”
A mistake. I think a knife to the heart would be less cruel than this conversation. I’m the one who made a mistake. I thought a lot of hopeful things, but most of all, I thought Rowan loved me enough to face the demons holding him back. But this isn’t some fairy tale. Change doesn’t magically happen because someone threw pixie dust in the air or made a wish on a shooting star.
No. That’s not how real life works. People need to put in the work to fix themselves, and while I’ve done it, Rowan hasn’t. He’s too afraid. Too selfish. Too consumed by his drive for more, without even realizing what exactly he wants more of. I thought he wanted more of me, but I put stock in something make-believe.
“I’m sorry for hurting you.” His voice drops to a whisper.
The lump in my throat becomes a living, breathing thing, blocking my ability to breathe. “And I’m sorry for ever thinking you were better than the selfish, cruel man everyone labels you as.”
He flinches. It’s the first sign of real, raw emotion I’ve seen from him today.
He looks away and nods. “I see.”
A tear betrays me, sliding down my cheek. I swipe it away. “I’ll find a way to repay you for everything because I want nothing to do with you or your money again. Even if it takes me my whole life to pay off this damn room, I’ll do it.”
His throat bobs. “I don’t want—”
I cut him off before he can sink his claws further into my heart. “I’m feeling tired all of a sudden.”
He nods. “Of course. I never meant to distress you while you’re feeling this way.”
I say nothing.
“Do you want me to stay until your parents come back?” He looks at the chair closest to my bed.
“No. I’d rather be alone, but thanks for everything again.” My voice is cold and withdrawn—a perfect match for him.
“But—”
It’s immature, but I turn my back toward him and the door. I don’t want to talk anymore. I’m too afraid I might lose it in front of him. Tears stream down my face, creating a wet spot on my pillow.
Rowan lets out a deep breath. His footsteps match the beat of the heart monitor.
I jolt when his hand brushes across my hair.
He presses his lips against the top of my head. “You deserve the world and more.”
The door to my room clicks closed, leaving me behind with nothing but beeping machines and my painful sobs to keep me company.
