CHRISTMAS MORNING
DECEMBER 25TH 2004 AOIFE
IT WAS CHRISTMAS MORNING.
It was also Joey’s eighteenth birthday.
But instead of celebrating either, I found myself welded to his chest, holding onto his body with all of my strength, because I had a horrible feeling that once he left my bed, he wouldn’t come back.
The physical abuse Joey had been subjected to, the emotional neglect, psychological scarring, and sheer pressure he endured from a lifetime of holding the fort and raising children that didn’t belong to him, had finally broken something pivotal inside of his mind.
He’d given up on himself, I could see it in his eyes last night. The same look was there when he woke up this morning, and it scared me to death.
He was sick, he was so damn unwell, and I was out of my depth trying to help him out of something I didn’t understand.
I wanted to rescue him, to shield him from the horrors he had been born into. I wanted to be his armor when he couldn’t fight back.
I wanted to wade into battle for him, protect his beautiful soul.
But I’d been so determined to save him that I hadn’t noticed I’d lost myself in the process.
Our love was toxic.
“This is toxic,” Joey strangled out, voicing my thoughts aloud, as he held me in his arms, squeezing my body just as tightly as I was squeezing his. “I’m toxic for you.”
“I don’t care,” I cried, delirious from a horrible concoction of love and heartache. “I still want you.”
“That’s the point,” he croaked out, voice cracking, as he gently dissembled our joined bodies and climbed out of my bed. “I’m fucking toxic to you.”
“What are you doing?” I asked shakily, watching as he quickly reached for his disheveled clothes that were thrown in a pile, along with mine, on my bedroom floor. “Joey? What are you doing?”
“Please don’t make it any harder. We both know that I need to go.” Blowing out a shaky breath, he refused to look at me while he dressed, his movements clumsy because of the severe tremor running through his body. “This needs to end and you need to let me do this for you, okay?”
“What? No!” Panic seared me. “No, this doesn’t have to end. I don’t believe that and neither do you!”
“Molloy.” Hollow green eyes, paired with circles so dark they could’ve been mistaken for bruises, locked on mine. Hell, knowing my boyfriend like I did, those probably were bruises under his eyes. “I have to leave,” he choked out. “All of the pain? All of the dumb, fucked-up shit I’ve put you through—”His voice cracked, and I watched as he dragged in a pained breath, clearly suffering as much in the moment as I was. “I should have ended this a long time ago.”
“No!” Springing off the mattress, I quickly closed the space between us, needing him to stay right here with me. “Don’t.” Wrapping my arms around him, I buried my face in his neck, holding onto his body for all I was worth. “It’s okay, it’s okay. I’m fine. We’re fine! Don’t talk like that. God!”
Instantaneously, Joey’s arms came around my body, making me feel so fucking safe it hurt.
It didn’t make sense how he could do that to me; make me feel like nothing could hurt me when I was in his arms, when the truth was very different.
Silence settled between us then, with so many unspoken words dancing on the tips of our tongues, while we just held each other.
I could feel it all in this moment, every hurt word that had been echoed throughout the course of our fucked-up relationship. Every kiss, every touch, every fight, every scream, every midnight flash of madness that had led us to this moment in time.
“Listen, I want you to know something,” he said quietly, clenching my hip with his hand. “I want you to know that you’ve been the best part of my day every day since I was twelve years old.”
“Don’t Joe.” Voice breaking, my heart hammered violently, as tears spilled down my cheeks. “I don’t want to hear this.”
Not when I knew where it would lead.
“It’s true.” Tipping my chin up with his free hand, he forced me to look at him. “My life has been a shitstorm from day dot, Molloy, and the whole goddamn town knows it. I’ve never had calm. But you?” His tear-filled eyes implored me to hear him. “You were like an island. Somewhere for me to go and escape. Somewhere safe. Someone to anchor me, if that even makes sense. And I took advantage of that when I had no right to. I was selfish when I dragged you into my world. Now, I need to put you first.”
A tear slid down my cheek as his words only enforced what I already knew to be true; that I would never get over this boy. “Then put me first by not doing this, because I don’t want this, Joey. I don’t want your goodbyes.” “You might not want me to say goodbye, but you need me to.” And then
he cut me deeper than a guillotine ever could when he added, “I was always going to fuck this up, Molloy.” With a resigned look, he slowly released me and backed away. “I’m only sorry that I didn’t put you first sooner.”
“Oh my fucking god!” I screamed, throwing my hands up in frustration and panic, as I watched him walk away from me. “You just love ripping the rug out from under my feet, don’t you?” When he didn’t answer, I screamed, “Fine. Walk away!”
With a small shake of his head, he moved for the window.
“Go on.” Desperately trying to save face while my heart shattered to pieces in my chest, I hissed. “Get the fuck out.”
My heart hammered as I desperately resisted the urge to stop him from climbing out of my bedroom window.
“Off you go,” I spat instead, bawling like a baby, as I watched him leave. “Turning your back on us at the first sign of trouble.”
“Because I’m not good for you!” Joey roared, climbing back through my window, and stalking back towards where I was standing. “Fuck, Molloy, don’t you get that? I’m not fucking good for you! Last night was just a taster of how it will be, because I can’t change, okay—”
Reckless, I grabbed his neck and pulled his face down to mine, kissing him hard and rough and furiously.
He kissed me back with equal passion and hunger, as he fisted handfuls of my hair and clutched my face between his hands.
“Don’t do this,” I cried against his lips, feeling my tears mix with his. “Please.”
He pressed one final kiss to my brow before stepping away from me. “If I don’t walk away from you now, I never will.”
And then he disappeared out of my bedroom window, dropping onto the roof of the shed below.
“Joey,” I cried, leaning out the window. “Don’t do this.”
With one final glance at me, he pulled his hood up, dropped to the ground, and called out, “I’ll be seeing ya, Molloy, ” over his shoulder.
And then he was gone.
