OCTOBER 31ST 2001 JOEY
“YOU CAN BE SUCH A…FUCK up, Joey,” Mam screamed, heaving in pain, as she gripped the side rail of the bed and released a high- pitched, feral scream. “You’re…just…like…him…sometimes.”
“I said I was sorry,” I strangled out, as the high I’d been floating on quickly gave way to a severe case of the shakes. “Stop looking at me like that.”
Reality was crashing down around me in huge tsunami-sized waves, as I continued to plummet back down to earth.
Still, I was here, wasn’t I?
I was the one holding her hand. Where the fuck was he?
“Okay, Marie, on the next contraction, I want you to give me a big push,” the midwife instructed. She pushed me out of her way, as she settled between my mother’s legs with an array of medical supplies and instruments that my mind could not comprehend. “You’re nearly there, pet. I can see the head. Another big push and you’ll be crowning.”
“Just, ah…” Feeling woozy, I backed away from my mother’s hospital bed, needing to do something, needing to be just about anywhere other than there. “I’ll be back…”
“No – Joey, don’t go!” Mam cried out, catching ahold of my hand with a death grip. “Please don’t leave me on my own.”
“Mam, I don’t…” Shaking my head to clear to my vision, I felt her squeeze my hand. I tried to make sense of my surroundings while attempting not to puke. “I’m just, ah –” Blinking rapidly, I wiped my brow with my sleeve and forced myself to concentrate on her face. “Please don’t make me do this.”
“I need you,” she cried out, trembling. “I don’t have anyone else.” Through the haze of withdrawal, I could see the terror in her blue eyes,
and it was sobering. “Please… I’m scared.”
“Okay.” Returning to her side, I gave my hand up to her, never saying a word when she squeezed my fingers so tight, they almost cracked. “I won’t leave you.”
“It’s coming!” Mam screamed, as her face distorted in pain. “Pant, Marie, just pant.”
Jesus fucking Christ…
Never mind telling her to pant; I was about to pass the fuck out.
“That’s the head out,” the midwife announced. “Good girl yourself. The next contraction and he’ll be born.”
“Joey, don’t go, please don’t go,” Mam cried out, tone panicked. “I’m all alone. I need you…please…”
“Yeah.” Swallowing deeply, I steeled what resolve was left in me, and choked out the words, “Okay, Mam.”
Less than a minute later, Mam’s face contorted in pain.
She turned a dark shade of red as her entire body racked with tremors. And then I heard it.
The sound of high-pitched wailing.
Stunned, I watched as the midwife lifted a small infant, caked in bloodied mucus, out from between her legs. “Congratulations,” she said
with a smile. “It’s another boy.”
I watched as they clamped the umbilical cord that connected him to our mother, and I wondered if the cord that attached me to her had ever been truly severed. It was invisible but still connecting me deeply to the woman who bore me. I wanted to let it all go. To just let the pain and pressure fall from my shoulders.
The midwife wiped the screaming baby down before bundling him up in a towel and placing him on my mother’s chest.
“Jesus,” I choked out, feeling my own body shake, as I stared down at the tiny purplish creature in her arms. “He’s tiny.”
“Is he okay?” Cradling the tiny bundle to her chest, Mam continued to cry and ask, “Is he okay?” over and over, as she pressed her cheek to its head.
“He’s perfect, Marie,” the midwife assured her. “A little on the small side, but then again, he’s a couple of weeks early. He’s more than making up for that with the pair of lungs on him.”
“What are you doing?” I demanded then, watching in horror as one midwife stuck a syringe into my mother’s thigh while the other began pushing down hard on her stomach. “Stop it, will ya? She’s only had a baby. You’ll hurt her.”
“It’s okay, Joey,” Mam said. “This is normal.” “The fuck?”
“I promise your mother is perfectly fine,” the midwife explained calmly. “This is all very normal. We’re helping her uterus to contract so that she can deliver the placenta as quickly and as easily as possible.”
“The pla-what-a?” I gaped at the nurse and then swung my gaze to my mother. “There’s more?” I shook my head, horrified. “How the fuck can there be more?”
