Numb to the bone, I sat in the passenger seat of Johnny’s Audi, with his hand resting on mine on top of the gearstick, and my three little brothers in the backseat. The boys were barefoot, in their pajamas, and Johnny had the heater on full blast to keep them warm.
‘What about this one, lads?’ he asked, cranking up the volume of The Offspring’s Why Don’t You Get A Job. He’d been playing every explicit song he could find on Gibsie’s mix CD since we left Elk Terrace. The more cursing and foul language in the song, the more my brothers’ sobs and sniffles turned to laugher. Johnny was trying to distract them and it was working. Singing at the top of his lungs, he bobbed his head like a madman, encouraging the boys to curse and sing along with him.
By the time Eminem’s Just Lose It came on, and Johnny threw himself into an enthusiastic rap, even Sean was giggling. His tear streaked cheeks were stretched in a wide smile as he stared in wonder at my boyfriend.
‘You should stick with the rugby,’ Tadhg snickered from the backseat. ‘You’re a terrible rapper, lad.’
‘You’re a terrible rapper, lad,‘ Johnny mimicked a Cork accent, making his voice rise several octaves. ‘At least I don’t sound like I’m singing when I’m talking.’
‘No,’ Tadhg chuckled. ‘Because you can’t sing for shit.’
‘Tadhg.’ I sighed heavily. ‘Don’t be cursing.’
‘He said we could,’ Tadhg argued, pointing at the back of Johnny’s head.
‘That’s ’cause he’s got that funny voice,’ Ollie laughed. ‘He says shite instead of shit.’
‘Ollie,’ I scolded. ‘Don’t say that.’
‘But he does,’ Ollie defended. ‘Say shite, Johnny. Show her.’
‘Don’t, Johnny,’ I warned.
‘Shite,’ Sean blurted out from the back seat, pronouncing the word crystal clear.
Ollie and Tadhg howled laughing.
‘Ah, shite,’ Johnny muttered, giving me a sheepish look.
‘Shite,’ Sean repeated, clapping his hands together. ‘Shite.’
‘Of course,’ I groaned. ‘He would pick that up.’
‘It’s a one night only free-pass, lads,’ Johnny announced. ‘And you might want to mind your P’s and Q’s around the grown-ups.’
‘What about Mam?’ Tadhg asked then.
Smooth like honey and not missing a beat, Johnny said, ‘I talked to your Ma before I left. She said you’re all allowed stay at my place tonight.’
Ollie’s eyes widened. ‘She did?’
Johnny nodded and I didn’t miss the tremor in his hand – the one he discreetly tried to shake out. He was lying. ‘It’s all good, lads,’ he added, driving through the open gates of his property. ‘Consider it an adventure.’
‘I like adventures,’ Ollie offered.
As we approached Johnny’s house, every light in the place was on, making the building look even more impressive than during the daytime. Desperate to keep my mind as empty as possible, I counted and then recounted the eighteen windows at the front of his house, and then I wondered how many times a month Mrs. Kavanagh had the window cleaners out to the house. They were always streak-free and sparkling clean.
The moment Johnny cut the engine of his car, the front door swung inwards and his mother came running outside in her dressing gown, wide-eyed and frantic looking. ‘Where did you go?’ she demanded, hand pressed to her chest. ‘I’ve been calling you!’
‘Ah, shite,’ Johnny muttered, unfastening his seatbelt. ‘Just wait here for a sec – I’ll go calm her down.’ Climbing out of the car, he hurried over to his mother, patting her on the back when she threw her arms around him. ‘I’m alright, Ma. I’m grand – I left my phone in the car.’
‘I didn’t know what was happening,’ she strangled out, clutching her son. ‘I heard tires screeching and checked your room and you were gone.’ Shaking her head, she reached up and cupped his face in her hands. ‘You can’t do that to me, Johnny.’ Turning back to the house, she cried out, ‘John, he’s okay. Call Sadhbh back, love. Tell her to let Gerard know he can stop looking. He’s home.’
Reaching across the seats, I pressed the button on Johnny’s door to wind up the windows, not wanting my brothers to hear what was being said.
‘Why’s Dellie crying?’ Ollie whispered, leaning between the seats to watch the commotion.
‘Because she was worried about Johnny,’ I explained, feeling my throat tighten at the sight. ‘He’s her son.’
‘What was she worried about?’ he asked, turning his brown eyes on me. ‘Is he in trouble or something?’
‘No, Ollie, but it’s the middle of the night, and she was probably scared for him.’
‘Because it’s so late?’
I gave him a watery smile. ‘Exactly.’
Ollie glanced back to where Mrs. Kavanagh was still clutching her son in a death grip before blowing out a breath. Mr. Kavanagh had joined them and was cupping the back of Johnny’s head as they spoke over his wife’s head.
‘Whoa,’ Ollie whispered. ‘His mammy and daddy really love him, huh?’
‘Mam loves us, too,’ I croaked out, feeling the need to reassure my baby brother. ‘Don’t ever doubt that.’
Tadhg made a noise from the backseat and muttered something unintelligible under his breath – something that sounded awfully like ‘yeah, in your fucking dreams’.
‘Sean, are you cold?’ I asked, trying to keep the tremor out of my voice.
Shivering, my youngest brother nodded.
‘He stinks,’ Tadhg noted with a huff. ‘He’s pissed himself again.’
‘And he smells like Daddy,’ Ollie added, scrunching his nose up. ‘It’s not a good smell, Shan.’
‘Come up here to me, Sean,’ I coaxed, holding my hands out to him. ‘I’ll keep you warm.’
‘Hang on,’ Tadhg grumbled when Sean tried to get up with his seatbelt still on. ‘I have to free you first, silly goose.’
‘Shite,’ Sean whispered, waiting for Tadhg to free him.
‘That’s right,’ Tadhg snickered, unbuckling his belt.
‘Don’t encourage him to use bad language,’ I warned my brothers as I helped Sean through the seats and cuddled him to my chest. ‘He’s only three.’
Ollie and Tadhg shrugged in response before busying themselves with opening every compartment and pressing every button they could find in the back of Johnny’s car.
‘O-ee,’ Sean croaked out, shivering violently, as he wrapped his small arms around my neck. ‘O-ee gone.’
‘No,’ I whispered, gently rocking him in my arms. ‘He’ll be back.’
My heart was hammering wildly in my chest, my fingertips numb and tingling as I forced myself to remain calm. I was embarrassed, terrified, and ashamed. Ridiculous as it sounded, I didn’t want Johnny to see this part of my life, but he was seeing it all now; the ugly reality that was my family. My reasons for why I was the way I was. All of my issues…they all began and ended with that man I called my father.
I kept my eyes on the Kavanaghs, knowing the exact moment Johnny explained what had happened tonight because Mrs. Kavanagh covered her mouth with her hands and buried her face in her husband’s chest. His father’s gaze flickered to the car and I could see the concern in his eyes. They spoke for several more minutes in hushed voices, while I sat, still as a statue, feeling like I was on trial, before Johnny jogged back towards us. His mother moved to follow him, but Mr. Kavanagh walked her back into the house. Rounding the car, Johnny opened my door and smiled down at me. ‘Come on, Shan. Let’s go inside.’
Oh, thank god.
I blew out a ragged breath. ‘Are they sure?’
He nodded and reached for Sean. ‘Come on, big man.’ Lifting my baby brother into his arms, Johnny held a hand out for me. ‘Let’s get you all warmed up.’ Glancing to Ollie and Tadhg, he said, ‘Come on, lads, my Ma’s getting the ice-cream out for ye.’
‘Score,’ Tadhg cheered as he shoved his door open and barreled out of the car, running into the house ahead of Ollie who was calling out, ‘Wait for me, Tadhg,’ as he chased after him.
Trembling from head to toe, I climbed out of the car, feeling cold to the bone, and looked up at my boyfriend. ‘Thank you,’ I croaked out, teeth chattering, as my heart thudded a rhythm of adoration for the boy standing in front of me. ‘For everything.’
‘I’d do anything for you, Shannon like the river,’ Johnny replied gruffly, pulling me into his side. ‘Anything.’
I believed him, but I wished he didn’t have to.
