When my mother came in from work earlier and Darren and I explained what had happened at school, she collapsed in a heap on the floor, crying and wailing. After a few minutes of watching my brother trying to console her, I just stepped around them both and went up to my room.
I couldn’t handle her anymore, I realized. The patience I used to be able to call on was depleting at a rapid rate, and every time she cried, I just wanted to scream. I knew that was bad and it made me a terrible person, but I couldn’t help it. I could barely tolerate being in the same room as my mother anymore.
Patricia arrived to the house a little after six o’ clock, and by then Darren had managed to get Mam to pull herself together. She’d asked all her questions, filled in all her notes, clicked her tongue, snapped her heels, and left shortly after.
Numb, I had returned to my room, clutching my phone and praying for mercy for my brother. Aoife had texted me at least thirty times throughout the evening, asking for updates, and every time I replied with a ‘nothing yet’ a little piece of me died. When ten o’ clock came and went, the anxiety I had been feeling all evening skyrocketed to the point where I couldn’t move a muscle.
Mr. Kavanagh said ten o’ clock.
It was almost eleven now, and I was still sitting on my bed, watching the clock tick by, waiting for him to come home.
The sound of a key turning in the lock filled my ears and I sprang off my bed. Pulling out my phone, I typed out a quick text to Aoife.
S: He’s back.
A: Oh thank god… I’m on my way.
Tossing my phone down on my bed, I moved at top speed through the landing and down the staircase. The moment my eyes landed on Joey closing the front door behind him, a huge swell of relief washed over me. Riddled with emotion, I stumbled down the last three steps and threw my arms around him. ‘You’re back!’ I pressed my cheek to his back and exhaled a ragged breath. ‘Thank god.’
‘It’s okay, Shan,’ he mumbled, words slightly slurred. Patting the hand that I had wrapped around him, he kept his head down as he slipped around me and moved for the kitchen. ‘It’s all good.’
‘Wait –’ Catching ahold of his hand, I pulled him back. ‘Look at me.’
He didn’t.
Fear trickled down my spine.
‘Joey.’ I pulled harder on his hand. ‘Look at me.’
Reluctantly, he did as I asked and my heart sank.
‘Joe.’ Tightening my hold on his hand, I stared up at his bloodshot eyes in despair. ‘Why?’
‘Just get off my back, Shan,’ Joey grumbled, yanking his hand away to run through his hair. ‘I’m fine.’ Shaking his head, he turned and stalked into the kitchen, ignoring Mam and Darren who were sitting at the table.
‘Joey!’ Mam sucked in a sharp breath. ‘Oh, thank god.’
‘Mother,’ he drawled sarcastically. ‘You’re keeping well?’
Darren jumped to his feet and closed the space between them, dragging our brother into a fierce hug. Joey remained rigid the entire time, hands balled into fists at his sides, not hugging him back. Pulling back, Darren frowned. ‘What’s wrong with you? Why are you shaking?’ Cupping his cheek with one hand, Darren inspected his eyes before releasing a growl. ‘For fuck’s sake, Joey!’ Furious, he roughly shoved him away and paced the floor. ‘What the hell is the matter with you?’
‘What’s wrong?’ Mam croaked out.
‘What’s wrong?’ Darren spun around to glare at her. ‘What’s wrong is your son is back on drugs!’
Mam’s eyes widened. ‘W-what?’
Shaking his head, Joey moved to the fridge, pulling out his usual can of coke and the packet of cooked ham for his sandwich, dutifully ignoring Darren and Mam as he went.
‘Is this true?’ Mam demanded, springing to her feet. ‘Joey?’
‘I’m not back on drugs,’ Joey grumbled.
‘Yeah, because you were never off them to begin with, were you?’ Darren demanded.
Joey rolled his eyes. ‘You’re all overreacting.’
‘You’re high,’ Darren spat. ‘Again.’
‘And you’re an asshole,’ Joey countered. ‘Again.’
‘What are you doing, Joey?’ Mam hissed, stalking towards him. Grabbing the can of coke out of his hand, she slammed it down on the counter and shook her head. ‘Why would you put that stuff in your body again?’
‘You’re one to talk,’ he shot back, laughing humorlessly. ‘Drowning yourself in Prozac and Valium.’
‘Prescribed to me by a doctor,’ Mam choked out. ‘Not the thugs from the terrace.’
‘Okay, Mam.’ He rolled his eyes again. ‘Whatever you say.’
‘Is it Shane Holland?’ Mam growled. ‘Is he sniffing around again?’
‘Jesus Christ, what do you care?’ Joey hissed. ‘Everyone get off my fucking back.’
‘No, I won’t get off your back,’ Darren barked. ‘You’re back on drugs, you’ve been expelled from school, you’re off the Hurling team –’ His words broke off and he threw his hands up. ‘You are ruining your life!’
‘I don’t have a life!’ Joey roared, dropping the packet of ham he was trying to open. ‘I’ve never had a life.’
‘Well, life or not, if you keep this up, you’re going to turn into him,’ Darren snarled. ‘You’re going to end up becoming the one thing you hate most in the world.’
‘Darren, shut up!’ Swallowing the lump in my throat, I rushed over to him. ‘Joey, shh, it’s okay.’ I was watching his downward spiral and felt more helpless than I had when our father roamed the house. ‘Don’t listen to him, okay? It’s not true. You’re going to be okay –’
‘Stop fucking saying that, Shannon!’ he strangled out, red-faced. ‘Nothing’s okay. Nothing!’ Running his hands through his hair in frustration, he choked out another humorless laugh. ‘You know, I sat in that cell for hours, thinking how did this happen to me –’ his voice broke and he dragged in a trembling breath before continuing. ‘How did I end up the way I am – all fucked up in the head. But then I called you,’ he added, lip wobbling, as he locked eyes on Mam. ‘I called you to come help me and you didn’t pick up.’ A lone tear trickled down his cheek. ‘And then I knew. I said to myself, that’s why. That’s how I turned out like this.’ Sniffling, he locked eyes on Mam. ‘Because you broke me!’
Mam choked out a sob. ‘That’s not true.’ Shaking her head, she hissed, ‘Take it back.’
‘You fucked my head up worse than he ever did,’ Joey roared into her face. ‘He hurt me, but you wrecked me. He used his fists, but you?’ Joey tapped his finger against his temple. ‘You got in my head. You broke my mind. I don’t work right anymore and it’s because your voice is stuck in my head. The sound of you crying and begging me to help you is all I can hear. Every time I close my eyes, you’re there. In my head. Crying for me. Begging me. Screaming ‘Save me, Joey. Save me‘. But I couldn’t ever save you, Mam. I couldn’t save you because you didn’t want me to! You wanted him to be here! You wanted all of this to happen –’
Mam’s hand shot out so fast that Joey didn’t have a chance to react before her palm smacked against his cheek loudly. ‘Don’t you dare blame me!’ she strangled out. ‘I did everything I could for you and your brothers and sister.’
‘You did everything you could for him,’ Joey hissed. ‘You can’t lie to me, remember? I see right through you –’
Mam slapped him again, harder this time, so hard in fact, that Joey’s face turned sideways from the contact.
‘Mam!’ Darren choked out. ‘What are you doing? Don’t slap him.’
I froze, barely breathing, waiting in fearful anticipation.
Walk away, Joe, I willed him in my mind. Just walk away.
‘And I’m the one turning into him?’ Joey asked in a deathly quiet tone of voice. ‘I’m not living like this anymore.’ Shaking his head, he stormed out of the kitchen, taking the staircase three steps at a time. ‘I’m done!’
‘Joey, stop…wait – wait!’ Scrambling after him, I chased after him only to pause in the doorway of his bedroom when I saw him throwing clothes into a gear bag. ‘What are you doing?’
‘I can’t stay here,’ was all he replied, his voice barely more than a broken whisper as he pulled out drawers and grabbed random items of clothing from them. Tears were dripping down his cheeks as he filled the bag. ‘I’m sorry.’ Clenching his eyes shut, he shuddered and continued to pack. ‘I’m going to explode if I stay in this house.’
‘You mean for the night?’ I croaked out, shaking. ‘You’ll go to Aoife’s and come back tomorrow, right?’
He didn’t answer me.
‘Joey, please –’
‘I’m sorry,’ he strangled out, tossing a few pairs of socks on top of the bag before zipping it closed. ‘I’ve tried, but I can’t do this!’
‘Joey, please!’ Desperate to stop him, I grabbed his sleeve and pulled him to a stop. ‘What about me?’
‘What about me?’ he roared back in my face, green eyes filled with tears. A huge sob tore through him and his voice cracked. ‘What about me, Shannon?’ Tossing his bag over his shoulder, he sniffled and wiped his eyes roughly with the back of his hand, before shoving past me. ‘What about me?’
‘I love you!’ I cried hoarsely. ‘I do. I love you so much, Joe.’ Tears clouded my vision and I roughly batted them away. ‘I care about you. You’re important to me. We can figure this out,’ I sobbed, knotting my hand in his hoodie and dragging him back to me. ‘We can get through this together. You don’t need to do –’
‘Listen.’ Inhaling a steady breath, he clenched his eyes shut and I watched as tears fell from his lashes. ‘I need you to take care of yourself, okay? I need you to do that for me.’ Clutching the back of my head, he stepped forward and pressed a kiss to my forehead. ‘Don’t depend on her, or Darren, or anyone else, because in the end, the world will let you down. They will all let you down.’
‘And you?’ I choked out, tears flowing freely down my cheeks now. ‘Does that include you?’
‘Especially me,’ he strangled out before brushing past me and moving for the stairs.
‘Where’s he going?’ Tadhg’s voice filled my ears and I swung around to see him and Ollie standing in their bedroom doorway. ‘Is he leaving us?’
‘Forever?’ Ollie whispered, eyes shining with tears. ‘But he can’t go.’
Wiping my eyes, I ran for the staircase, desperate to stop my brother from leaving. ‘Joey, don’t go!’
‘Joey, think about this,’ Darren was saying when I reached the bottom step. He had his back to the front door, blocking Joey’s path. ‘Don’t rush out. Just sleep on it, and we can talk about it in the morning when you have a clear head.’
‘I can’t do this, Darren,’ Joey choked out. ‘Get out of the way.’
‘Joey, no – talk to me.’
‘Get out of my way, Darren,’ Joey repeated, shaking all over. ‘Now.’
Devastated, I looked around aimlessly and spotted Mam in the kitchen. She was sitting on her chair with a cigarette in hand. ‘Do something,’ I begged from the hallway. ‘Mam, say something. Please. Stop him!’
She looked straight through me like I wasn’t even there.
‘Joey, don’t go,’ Ollie begged, running down the stairs. ‘Please.’
‘You swore,’ Tadhg cried harshly. ‘You fucking promised you wouldn’t leave us!’
‘O-ee,’ Sean wailed as he shimmied down the steps on his bottom. ‘O-ee!’
A huge shudder rolled through Joey and he dropped his head. ‘I’m so sorry.’
‘Stay, Joey,’ Darren whispered. ‘I can’t do this without you.’
Tipping his head back up, he looked at Darren. ‘You’re going to have to.’ Brushing him out of the way, he pulled the door open. ‘Don’t let them down.’
The minute the door slammed shut behind Joey, our little brothers began to scream and wail so loudly that I couldn’t hear what Darren was saying as he tried to console and coax them back upstairs.
Stricken down with panic, I ran for the door, refusing to let this happen – refusing to watch him leave. Yanking the door open, I ran outside only to stumble over my own legs when my eyes landed on Aoife. Her car was parked across the drive of our house and she was in her pajamas, leaning against the driver’s door of her car, blocking Joey’s way.
‘You were going to leave without telling me?’ she demanded hoarsely as her long blonde hair blew around her face. ‘I’m not even worth a fucking goodbye?’
Joey looked broken as he stood in front of her, his gear bag shouldered on his back, and his head down.
‘Look at me!’ she screamed. ‘Goddammit, Joey Lynch, you better look at me!’
‘Aoife, please,’ he whispered, shaking his head. ‘Just let me go.’
‘I can’t,’ she cried, sniffling. ‘I won’t!’
‘I have nothing to give you!’ he roared brokenly. ‘I’m not good for you. Why can’t you get that into your head?’
‘I don’t care about stuff, Joey,’ she strangled out as she wrapped her arms around his waist and clung to him. ‘I only want you.’
‘I’m done, Aoife.’ Shaking his head, he held his hands up. ‘I’m done dragging you down with me.’
‘Please…’
‘I can’t.’ Sniffling, he moved her hands away from his body. ‘I’m so sorry,’ he whispered, stepping around her.
‘Don’t go,’ she screamed after him. ‘Please. Please don’t go. Joey! Joey! I love you!’
‘I know,’ he choked out, not looking back, as he walked away. ‘And it’s not good for you to love me.’
‘Joey, I need you –’
‘No, you don’t. You need to let me go, Aoife,’ he roared. ‘That’s what you need to do.’
‘What about the –’
‘Just go home and don’t come back here. Do yourself a favor and forget about me!’
I watched in horror as Aoife’s legs gave out beneath her. Collapsing on the ground with a thud, she shoved her hands in her hair and screamed. ‘Come back!’
Numb to the bone, I hurried over to kneel beside her. ‘I’m sorry.’ Wrapping my arms around her shoulders, I hugged her tightly. ‘I’m so sorry.’
She turned her face into my neck and cried hard and ugly, shaking so badly that I was afraid she was going to have a seizure. ‘Make him come back,’ she begged, wrapping her arms around her stomach. ‘Please! I need him.’
Me too… ‘Shh.’ Pushing her hair back off her face, I held her tightly, whispering, ‘It’s okay,’ over and over in her ear.
But I was a liar.
Because as my brother disappeared from sight, I knew nothing would ever be okay again.
‘I’m going to go look for him,’ Darren said quietly, and I hadn’t even realized he had come outside. With his car keys in hand, he rounded the garden wall and walked over to his Volvo. ‘You should go inside, Shan.’ He pulled open the driver’s door before adding, ‘And you should go home, Aoife.’
‘Please find him, Darren,’ I choked out.
‘I will,’ he replied, before climbing into his car and closing the door.
Sniffling, Aoife slowly pulled herself to her feet. I watched as she dusted down the back of her fluffy, yellow pajama bottoms in rigid, robotic movements. ‘I’m going to go now,’ she said in a hollow tone of voice. ‘Goodbye, Shannon.’
‘Bye, Aoife.’
Without another word, she climbed into her old, battered Opal Corsa and drove away.
I waited for Darren to pull away from the house in his Volvo before I dropped my head in hands, right there on the ground, and let myself cry. I cried hard and ugly, unable to contain myself a second longer.
I cried for my broken home, for my fucked-up family, for my little brothers, but mostly I cried for Joey, for self-destructing and detonating the one good thing he had in his life.
A little while later, I heard a car engine in the distance, coming closer, bright lights lighting up the dark street. When it parked up outside the house, I couldn’t stop the spark of hope from springing to life inside of me.
Sniffling, I wiped my cheeks with my hands and stood up. ‘Joey?’ I called out, straining to see who was behind the tinted windows. ‘Is that you?’
The driver’s door opened and he stepped out, all blond hair and smiles.
Except it wasn’t Joey’s blond hair, and it wasn’t his smile.
No…
‘Hello, Shannon.’
The air escaped my lungs in a pained whoosh and I sagged, feeling my heart stop dead in my chest before restarting with a violent thud. ‘N-no.’ Shaking my head, I staggered backwards only to lose my footing and land on the ground in a heap. ‘You’re n-not supposed to b-be here.’
Dad stepped into the garden and walked towards me. ‘I live here, remember?’
Fear exploded in my chest, paralyzing my limbs and locking me into place.
‘Come on.’ Stopping in front of me, he glanced down at me, eyes bloodshot, body swaying, and smiled. ‘Give me your hand,’ he said, holding his out to me. ‘You should be in bed.’ The smell of whiskey hit my senses like a tidal wave, bringing with it a tsunami of pain and memories. ‘I’ll help you to bed.’
He’s back to finish you off.
You should have kept your mouth shut.
Get away now, Shannon!
Jumping into action, I pulled myself onto my hands and knees and half-crawled, half-stumbled towards the front door, with my heart pounding so hard it hurt. ‘Help!’ I screamed, slamming my hand down on the door handle and falling into the front hall on my hands and knees. ‘Mam!’ I shouted, gasping for air as my skin crawled with the familiar feeling of dread. ‘Mammy!’
‘What?’ Mam came barreling out of the kitchen, only to halt in her tracks when she saw who was standing in the doorway behind me. ‘Oh my god.’ She pressed a hand to her chest and staggered backwards.
‘Hello, Marie.’
‘Mam.’ Shaking violently, I scrambled across the floor on my hands and knees and clung to her leg. ‘Mam!’
‘Teddy,’ Mam croaked out, shaking as much as I was. ‘You’re not allowed to be here.’
He held his hands up. ‘I only want to talk to you.’ He took another step inside the house, swaying on his feet a little as he moved. ‘I’m not going to hurt you anymore, darling.’
He’s lying.
I shook my head. ‘Mam, no, don’t listen!’
‘You need to go,’ Mam gasped, backing up and taking me with her. ‘You need to leave now.’
‘Marie,’ he said in that coaxing voice of his, slurring his words. ‘We’re a family.’ He closed the door behind him and turned the lock. ‘We need to be together.’
‘No.’ Mam shook her head. ‘No, no, you need to go now.’
‘Are the children in bed?’ he asked, ignoring her pleas, as he slipped the house key into his pocket. ‘That’s good.’ He took another step towards us. ‘It’s best they stay asleep.’
‘Teddy…’ Mam’s voice cracked. ‘Please don’t –’
‘It’s okay, Marie,’ Dad coaxed. ‘We’ll all be together again.’
This is bad, Shannon.
This is really bad.
You need to get out.
Go.
Run…
Letting go of my mother’s leg, I lunged for the staircase with every inch of my body locked tight in fearful anticipation.
‘Good girl, Shannon, I’m not going to hurt you,’ Dad slurred. ‘Go on up to bed now and close your eyes. Everything will be better in the morning.’
Choosing to escape rather than stick around and wait for him to change his mind, I stumbled up the staircase as fast as my legs could carry me.
‘What’s going on?’ Tadhg demanded, peeking out from his bedroom. ‘Shan –’
‘Lock your doors,’ I choked out. ‘He’s back.’
Tadhg’s eyes widened in fear. ‘Wh-what?’
‘Lock your fucking door, Tadhg!’ I screamed. ‘This isn’t a joke.’
He ran back into his room and bolted the door.
Breathing hard, I ran into my own bedroom and slammed the door shut. Flicking the lock, I looked around wildly as panic clawed at my gut. With my survival instincts kicking in, I lunged for my dresser and pushed with all my might until it was blocking the door. Still frantic, I dragged my bedside locker over, too.
His voice was there.
I could hear it.
I could hear her.
They weren’t screaming or shouting.
They were talking.
Why were they talking?
Flailing around, I tried to catch my breath, but it wasn’t coming easy to me. Diving for my bed, I slipped under the covers and roughly pulled the duvet over my head. Something clattered on the floor then and I stiffened.
My phone.
Trembling, I shoved the duvet off and swiped it off the floor. I didn’t even think about what I was doing as I dialed. It was like I was moving on instinct. Pressing call, I put the phone to my ear and held my breath.
‘Gibs,’ Johnny’s sleepy voice came down the line, bringing with it a tsunami of relief. ‘If this isn’t an emergency, I’m going to wring your bleeding neck.’
‘H-hi, Johnny.’
‘Shannon?’ His voice was softer now. ‘Are you okay?’
I shook my head and jerked to my feet, unable to sit still. ‘No.’
‘What’s wrong?’ Concern filled his voice. ‘What’s happening?’
I couldn’t speak.
I couldn’t say it out loud.
‘Talk to me, Shan,’ he coaxed. ‘Hmm?’
‘He’s here,’ I choked out. ‘He’s downstairs and I’m scared.’
‘What do you mean?’
‘My dad,’ I strangled out. ‘He’s in the house, Johnny.’
‘Can you get out?’ he demanded.
‘No.’ I shook my head and bit back a sob. ‘He’s in the kitchen. I can’t go back down there.’
‘I’m on my way,’ he replied without hesitation. ‘I’m leaving right now.’
‘I’m sorry,’ I whispered, sinking back down on my bed.
‘Don’t say sorry,’ he told me. ‘Are you safe? Are you in your room?’
‘Yeah.’ I nodded. ‘My door’s locked.’
‘I’m in my car now, Shan,’ he said. ‘I’ll be as fast as I can.’
‘They’re not shouting,’ I strangled out. ‘Why aren’t they shouting?’
‘I don’t know, baby,’ he growled. ‘But I’m coming.’
‘Something’s wrong,’ I bit out. ‘He’s different tonight. I don’t know what’s happening, Johnny, but something’s very wrong. I can feel it in my bones.’
‘I’m going to get you out of there,’ he vowed. ‘I promise. I’m going to take you out of that fucking hole and you’re never going back.’
‘Johnny, I’m really scared.’
‘I know,’ he coaxed. ‘I know, baby, but I’m coming.’ He sighed heavily. ‘Shannon, I love you.’
‘I love you, too, Johnny,’ I whispered, ending the call. I knew it was selfish to call him in the middle of the night and drag him from his bed, but I honestly couldn’t take another second of this. I felt like I was close to the edge of something that I wasn’t sure I could come back from.
I was afraid of dying in this house.
I held my breath, not daring to breathe too loudly, listening to the deathly calm sound of my father’s voice.
Why wasn’t he shouting?
Why wasn’t she shouting?
Oh god, I couldn’t do this anymore.
I couldn’t be in this house.
I needed an out.
I counted down the thirty-three minutes I knew it took to get from his house to mine, and when he didn’t arrive at the projected time, the panic inside of me flourished into a monster sized knot of fear, gripping at my lungs, and making it hard to breathe.
Restless, I ran my hands through my hair at least a dozen times before giving up and fixing it into a braid down my right shoulder.
Footsteps on the staircase filled my ears and I flinched.
Hurry up.
Please hurry up.
Slipping on my runners, I leaned against my bedroom window with bated breath and stared out onto the street.
The more time that passed, and the louder the noise downstairs grew, the more of a paranoid wreck I became.
By the time the familiar headlights pulled onto the street, my breathing was audibly uneven.
A knock sounded on the other side of door and my body instinctively seized with dread. ‘Are you in bed, Shannon?’ my father’s voice called out from the other side of the door.
My eyes were wild and panicked as I glanced from my door to the window. ‘Yes,’ I managed to strangle out, though it was hard to breathe from the panic consuming me.
‘Good girl,’ he called back and the sound of something spilling on the floor outside my door filled my ears. ‘Go to sleep now, Shannon.’ The stench of alcohol wafted under my bedroom door and terror clawed at my chest. ‘Your brothers are all sleeping, too,’ he added. ‘Just close your eyes and it’ll all be better in the morning.’
‘Okay,’ I croaked out, trembling from head to toe, as I pushed open my bedroom window and climbed onto the ledge. ‘G-goodnight Dad.’
