‘I am sorry, Johnny,’ my father said when he parked the car at the back of our house beside my Audi later that night. ‘I should have listened to you.’
‘I know, Da.’ Exhausted, I unfastened my seatbelt and swung the door open. He should have listened to me, but I couldn’t talk about it now. I was struggling with my feelings, desperately trying to hold the fuck onto my emotions and not lose it. It wasn’t easy though, and every time I thought about Shannon lying in that hospital, when I thought about those marks on her body, I slid closer to the edge.
I couldn’t get her out of my head, which, to be fair, was nothing new, but now it was different. I was confused, my feelings all fucked up and laced with nervous desperation. I didn’t want to leave her back there. If I had my way, I’d steal her away from that horrendous fucking family and keep her all to myself.
Helping me out of the passenger seat, Dad closed the door behind me and hooked an arm around my waist. I was glad of his help. My head was in pieces, my body weary and sore, and I didn’t think I had a whole pile of juice left in the tank. ‘I won’t make that mistake again, son.’
Grateful for the boost, I gave up on using my crutches and threw my right arm around his shoulders instead, leaning heavily against him. ‘I’m in bits, Da,’ I admitted through clenched teeth, feeling the red-hot burn in my thighs and lower abdomen. ‘My body’s wrecked.’
‘Good lad,’ Dad coaxed as he tucked my crutches under one arm and guided me to the door. ‘That’s it – mind the step, son.’
‘I’ve got it,’ I bit out, forcing down a scream as I struggled over the doorstep. ‘I’m good.’
When we stepped into the kitchen, Mam was standing beside the cooker with her apron on and a wooden spoon in her hands. The minute she noticed us, she dropped her spoon into the pot of stew, her stirring forgotten, and hurried over to me. ‘Are you okay, love?’ she asked, cupping my face in her hands, brown eyes warm and laced with maternal concern. ‘Are you sore? What about Shannon? Did you see her? Is it true? Did you get to talk to her –’
‘Edel, love,’ Dad interjected with a small shake of his head. ‘Not tonight. The lad is dead on his feet.’
Mam’s expression caved. ‘Oh god.’ Her hands dropped to her sides as she stared up at me and Dad in horror. ‘It’s true, isn’t it?’
‘It’s true, love,’ Dad confirmed grimly. ‘He was right all along.’
Mam covered her mouth with her hands. ‘Her father?’
Dad nodded stiffly.
‘Oh, John.’ Tears filled my mother’s eyes. ‘That poor child.’
‘It’s not just her, though, is it?’ I snapped, bristling with agitation. ‘There’s a fucking ocean of children in that house.’
Mam flinched. ‘And you think…’
‘I don’t know what I think anymore.’ Swallowing down a surge of anger at the complete fucking injustice that it was to be a teenager in this world, I swiped my crutches from my father and growled, ‘I have no bleeding clue.’ Brushing past them, I hobbled to the door. ‘I’m going to bed.’
‘Do you want to talk about it?’ Mam called after me. ‘Johnny?’
‘I need some space,’ I muttered, not looking back. ‘I need some time to process this…shitstorm.’
‘Johnny, love –’
‘Edel, leave him be.’
‘But, John, he can’t manage the stairs on his own –’
‘Edel, let the boy be.’
At a snail’s pace, I made it down the hallway to the staircase, ignoring my parents as they argued between themselves. My breathing was labored from the sheer exertion it took to get my body to comply and move.
When I finally made it to the top of the stairs, having deserted my crutches three steps up, I felt faint. Digging deep into the storage tank of will inside of me, I steeled my spine and pushed on. It wasn’t until I was inside my bedroom, with my door closed behind me, that I let it out.
Staggering over to my bed, I sank down on the edge and dropped my head in my hands. Sookie, my Labrador, stirred from her perch at the foot of my bed and bounded towards me, closing the space between us, clearly thrilled to see me again.
‘How’s my baby, huh? Did Ma leave you in here? Good girl.’ Bone weary, I scratched her ears and neck, while my attention shifted to the newspaper lying open on my nightstand. Leaning over my dog, I grabbed the newspaper and flicked it over to the page it was open to.
The minute my eyes landed on Shannon’s smiling, un-marked face as she snuggled into my side, I felt like I had been sucker punched in the chest.
‘I fucked up, Sook.’ Wrapping an arm around my dog, I buried my face in her neck. Exhaling a pained growl, I blinked away the sting of tears as my mind frantically flicked through every bad memory I had of Shannon until I felt like I would explode. ‘I fucked up so bad, girl,’ I confessed, clenching my eyes shut as a harsh sob tore from my chest. ‘Christ.’
A low knock sounded from my bedroom door. ‘Johnny, can I come in?’
‘No,’ I bit out, tensing up. I was surprised that my mother was actually asking my permission for once in her life. ‘Just…just leave me be, Ma. Please.’
There was a long pause and then the sound of footsteps retreating filled the silence, getting quieter and quieter, before spinning around growing in volume. My bedroom door flew inwards and Mam strode in. ‘I’m sorry, love, but I can’t do that.’
And they called me a bulldozer.
‘I know you’re mad at me,’ she said, closing the space and sitting down beside me. ‘And you have every right to feel that way. I’m mad at me, too.’ Reaching out, Mam ruffled Sookie’s ears before rolling her out of the way and shifting closer to me. ‘But you’ve been through hell these past few days.’ Placing her hand on my shoulder, she added, ‘I need you to know that I am here. I need to be here for you.’
‘I know you’re here, Ma,’ I muttered, focusing my gaze on the door of my ensuite bathroom. ‘Never thought you weren’t.’
‘I talked to Dad about what happened to Shannon,’ she added gently, squeezing my shoulder. ‘I know you must be feeling confused right now.’
I sighed heavily. ‘That’s one way of putting it.’
‘It’s okay to feel off-balance over this.’
‘I don’t know how I’m feeling anymore,’ I mumbled, pinching the bridge of my nose. ‘Everything’s just…railroading.’ Dropping my head, I inhaled several calming breaths, wondering how in the hell my life had taken on this fucked up route. ‘I feel like I’m drowning in their pain, Ma,’ I admitted hoarsely. I feel like I’m drowning in her.
‘You’re a smart boy, Johnny, but you’re not emotionally equipped to deal with what you were exposed to tonight, and that’s okay.’
‘There’s nothing okay about any of this,’ I bit out through clenched teeth. ‘A grown man beats the living daylights out his daughter, fucking terrorizes her for years, puts her in a hospital bed, and just slips away into hiding?’ I threw my hands up in frustration. ‘Do you think Shannon is emotionally equipped to deal with that? Because I honestly can’t see how.’ I leaned my head back, more upset than I could handle. ‘I don’t get it, Ma,’ I hissed, feeling the anger rise up in me once more. ‘I don’t understand how a man could do that to his kid –’ I clenched my jaw and inhaled through my nose, needing to keep my cool more than anything right now. ‘How anyone could do that to her.’
‘Sometimes people do horrendous and unexplainable things, love,’ Mam replied softly. ‘There’s no sane way of understanding madness, love, so don’t drive yourself crazy trying to.’
‘But I just –’
‘Care about her?’ Mam interjected gently. ‘We know, Johnny, pet.’
‘Months, Ma,’ I choked out, feeling anxious. ‘I’ve known Shannon for months, and knowing that every day of those months she was going home from school to that piece of –’ I shook my head and took several deep, calming breaths before continuing, ‘I let her down. I’m just one more on a long list of people who let her down.’
‘You didn’t let her down, Johnny. You didn’t know.’
‘I knew something was wrong,’ I argued. ‘I knew that much!’
‘Because you’ve always had a good sense of what was right and wrong,’ Mam replied. ‘That’s what makes you special, love. You’ve always drummed to your own beat. Defended the underdog. You’ve never been one to fall into line or follow the crowd. Even when you were little, you walked your own line, Johnny.’
‘That’s not really helping, Ma,’ I grumbled.
‘What I’m trying to say is you obviously saw something in Shannon. Something that you wanted to protect. But it’s not your job to save the world, Johnny. You weren’t to know what was happening to her, so don’t put this on your shoulders.’
‘Yeah, well apparently, he’s an alcoholic,’ I sneered. ‘Like that’s an excuse to use your kids as a punching bag.’
‘It’s not an excuse,’ Mam agreed. ‘It’s a crime.’
‘I hate him,’ I spat, practically choking on my outrage. ‘I want to hunt the creep down and do some serious harm to him.’
‘But you won’t.’
‘No, I won’t.’ I glared down at my legs. ‘Because I can hardly take a piss on my own right now.’
‘No,’ Mam corrected, rubbing my back. ‘Because you’re on the cusp of a career you’ve worked your entire life to have, and that’s not worth throwing away for a punch up, no matter how satisfying it might feel in the moment.’
‘You know, Ma, I knew something was off the very first day I met Shannon. I fucking knew something wasn’t right, like she had secrets, but I just…’ I let my words trail off and shrugged. ‘I didn’t think they were this.’
‘How could you know, Johnny?’
‘And her,’ I continued, glaring at nothing in particular. ‘I don’t trust her.’
‘Her?’
‘Shannon’s Ma,’ I spat out. ‘There’s something seriously off about her. Like how – how in the name of god do you let your kids live in a home like that?’ I looked to my mother for the answers. ‘How, Ma? How does that work?’
‘I don’t know, Johnny.’
‘Shouldn’t she be in some sort of trouble?’ I balled my hands into fists at the thought. ‘For not stepping in? Isn’t that neglect…or failure to step the fuck up?’
‘Mind your language.’
‘Really?’ I arched my brow. ‘You’re going to lecture me tonight of all nights? Really?’
Mam sighed heavily. ‘What did Shannon say about it? About her mother?’
‘Stuff,’ I muttered, dropping my gaze to my lap.
‘Stuff?’
‘I’m not talking about what she says to me, Ma,’ I replied. ‘It’s private. But I’ve got a bad feeling about that woman.’ Dropping my hand to my thigh, I began to smooth the ache that was building up in my body. ‘She’s supposed to come home either tomorrow or Thursday, but that means she’ll go back there. To that house. With that woman.’ I looked to my mother and asked, ‘How the fuck does that even happen?’
‘I don’t know, love,’ Mam replied, voice turning hard. ‘But your father told me how that woman spoke to you tonight. She had no bleeding right!’
‘Jesus,’ I muttered, mentally cursing my father for telling her. ‘It doesn’t even matter.’
‘It does matter,’ she corrected hotly. ‘She has no right to look down her nose at my son.’
‘She wasn’t looking down her nose,’ I muttered. ‘She was pissed that I was there.’ Shrugging, I added, ‘The woman doesn’t like me. She never has.’ Exhaling heavily, I shifted around, trying to get somewhat comfortable. ‘Not since I hit Shannon with that bleeding ball.’ I cringed at the memory, still feeling guilty. ‘She doesn’t want me near her daughter.’
‘Well, she needs to step the fuck back from my son,’ Mam growled, visibly trembling with anger. ‘I won’t have it, Johnny. Do you hear me? I won’t have it! She’s a very lucky lady that it was your father with you tonight and not me!’
‘Step the fuck back?’ My mouth fell open. ‘You planning on throwing down, Ma?’
‘She tried to have you suspended in January,’ Mam growled, cheeks turning pink. ‘She put her hands on my minor child, on school grounds – something Mr. Twomey conveniently forgot to disclose when I spoke to him about it.’ She narrowed her eyes. ‘No one messes with my kid.’
I frowned. ‘When did you talk to Twomey about this?’
Mam bristled. ‘I phoned him up after Shannon told me what happened – before I went back to London.’
I gaped at her. ‘Why?’
‘Because I’m your mother and I had a right to be notified of any issues involving my child at school,’ she shot back snippily. ‘I know that woman has been making trouble for you. I also know they threatened you with impending suspension because she pushed for it – that they made you out to be a bully!’ Mam balled her small hands into fists. ‘I might not like the rugby, but how dare anyone put all you’ve worked for in jeopardy because of an accident? It’s completely unacceptable. The school had no right to do that to you – and no grounds. I made that perfectly clear to your principal.’ Smirking, she added, ‘Before I threatened to pull both you, and our family’s generous funding donations, from Tommen.’
‘Ah Jaysus, Ma.’ Running my hand through my hair in exasperation, I looked up at the ceiling and groaned. ‘Just so you know, she barely touched me.’
‘She put her hands on you,’ Mam repeated angrily. ‘She pushed you. She threatened you. She lashed out at you in anger. That might fly in her household, Jonathon, but it sure as hell doesn’t in mine.’
I arched a brow. ‘Says the woman always clipping me around the ear.’
‘Those are clips of love,’ Mam corrected. ‘And you’re missing the point.’
‘Fine.’ I shrugged in defeat. ‘What’s the point?’
‘The point, love, is that she had no right to treat my son the way she did. She has no god given right to lay down the law where you’re concerned. That’s my job. She needs to take stock of the glass walls surrounding her house before casting stones at mine. Your father should’ve told her just that, but he’s too bleeding diplomatic.’ Huffing out a breath, she added, ‘It’s the culchie in him.’
I smirked at her comment. ‘I think it’s the lawyer in him, Ma.’
Mam huffed again. ‘Well, had your father spent thirty-six hours on the flat of his back, trying to push all eight pounds twelve ounces of you out of his arse, he might feel different.’
‘Jesus Christ.’ I shuddered at the glorious visual of my entry into the world. ‘Thanks for the mental image.’
Mam smirked. ‘I know you think that I’m an overbearing nag, but I can’t help it. That’s what mother’s do. We nag and worry and hover until we’re cold in the ground.’ She leaned over and rested her cheek on my shoulder. ‘You’re my boy, Johnny.’ She sighed heavily. ‘You might be towering over me now, but no matter what happens, or how far you go in life, you’ll always be my baby.’
‘You know I love ya back,’ I mumbled, embarrassed and uncomfortable. ‘You might drive me demented most days, but I’d be lost without ya.’
‘I know, love.’ Mam sighed and patted my hand. ‘I know.’
‘Ma, please don’t hate Shannon over this,’ I added, my words barely more than a mumble. ‘I know you’re pissed with her mother, but don’t hold it against her.’
‘Oh god, I don’t hate Shannon, love,’ she hurried to soothe. ‘She’s a smashing girl and I would never judge a child based on my feelings towards their parents.’ Reaching over, she pressed a hand to my back. ‘After all, your Nana and Granda Kavanagh never judged me and look at what I came from.’
‘True.’
My mother’s side of the family were colorful to say the least. She’d been dragged up, literally dragged from pillar to post and passed between various relatives until, at the age of sixteen, she’d finally had enough and split from Dublin. Without a penny in her pocket and only her wits to get by, she smuggled herself onto a Bus Eireann coach with no destination in mind and landed in Cork. Hitching a ride to Ballylaggin, she landed on my grandparents’ farm with a serious attitude problem and a willingness to earn her keep. Four years later, she was living in London, attending college, and married to my father.
‘But I will say this,’ Mam added, nudging my shoulder with hers. ‘If Marie Lynch wants to start trouble with you, she’ll have to go through me first.’
‘Ma…’ I shook my head and sighed heavily. ‘I’m defending the woman, but she’s probably just projecting.’ Shrugging, I added, ‘They’re all going through the wringer right now.’
‘I understand that, Johnny,’ Mam agreed. ‘I do, love. I can’t comprehend how her poor children must be feeling.’ Standing up, Mam smoothed her apron down before adding, ‘But she won’t be projecting onto you.’ Her eyes narrowed. ‘Over my dead body.’
‘I need to go back tomorrow.’ I watched my mother as she pottered around my room, sweeping up clothes off the floor. ‘To the hospital.’
Mam didn’t respond.
‘Ma,’ I pushed. ‘I need to go back.’
Mam sighed heavily. ‘I don’t want you going anywhere near that woman, Johnny. Not when she’s throwing around accusations about you.’
‘I’m not going for her sake,’ I snapped, bristling. ‘I’m going for Shannon – wait.’ I narrowed my eyes. ‘What do you mean accusations? Are you talking about the fucking ball again? Because I’ve already explained that was a bleeding accident.’
Mam shook her head. ‘No, love.’
‘Then what?’ I snapped, bristling. ‘What’s she saying about me?’
‘She said some things to your Dad,’ she replied. ‘Some things that make your father and I uncomfortable about letting you go over there.’
‘Like what?’
‘Look, Johnny, you need to steer clear for a while,’ she finally said, not elaborating any further. ‘I’m not saying forever, but until the dust settles, it would be best if you gave that family some space.’
The fuck did she say about me? ‘I haven’t done anything, Ma,’ I growled, feeling defensive and on edge. ‘So whatever she’s saying about me, it’s complete bullshit.’
‘Look, just get some sleep and we’ll talk about it in the morning,’ she replied, not meeting my eyes. ‘You still need to rest, Johnny. You’re running on empty.’
I was running on empty all right; an empty tank of patience. ‘Ma?’ I watched my mother as she walked over to my door. ‘Ma, what did she say?’
‘Get some sleep, love,’ was all she replied. She moved to close the door behind her only to stop in her tracks. ‘Oh, I almost forgot –’ Sliding her hand into the front pocket of her apron, she retrieved a small, folded-up piece of paper. ‘I found this when I was washing your clothes from Dublin.’ Walking back over to me, she handed me the paper. ‘You’re a sweet boy.’ Smiling, she stroked my cheek with her hand before turning back for the door. ‘I’m proud of you,’ Mam added before closing my bedroom door out behind her.
Confused, I unfolded the piece of paper and stared down, feeling a swell of emotion hit me straight in the chest.
Shannon like the river, will you please be my friend?
The friendship contract.
Fuck.
Carefully refolding the letter, I tucked it into my bedside locker and sighed.
Be okay, I mentally prayed. Please be okay, Shannon like the river.
