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Chapter no 37 – Josh

The Friend Zone

Iย dragged a razor down my cheek for the first time in days and studiedย my face in the bathroom mirror. I looked the way I felt.

Lost.

It was good to see her. She filled me up. Even when she was giving me shit and bossing me around, it was like taking a deep breath just being near her. She charged my batteries, dragged me back to myself.

She looked beautifulโ€”but she didnโ€™t look good. Pale. Thin. Sheโ€™d lost weightโ€”a lot of it. She wasnโ€™t taking care of herself.

I couldnโ€™t do shit for myself at the moment, but I could do anything for her. I would take care of her if she let me. But this was the first time sheโ€™d even spoken to me in weeks.

I hadnโ€™t given up. I could never give up on her. But Iโ€™d gotten tired. She was so stubborn, so implacable, and my heart was worn. Without Kristen and Brandon, I couldnโ€™t move anymore. I wanted to talk to him about her and talk to her about him. And both of them were gone.

The enormity of it was too big to wrap my brain around.

I was never going to see him again. Never sit with him in a duck blind and bullshit. Never talk to him again about Kristen, or Sloan, or anything.

I wasnโ€™t going to be his best man. Heโ€™d never be mine. Our kids wouldnโ€™t play together.

Eleven years. Weโ€™d been friends for eleven years. And he was just gone. His life was over. Heโ€™d gotten all he was going to get. And I didnโ€™t know

how to move on from that. So I didnโ€™t move at all.

I half expected her to be gone by the time I came out of the shower. She ran. Thatโ€™s what she did with me. The half of me that expected her to still be here would have put money on her cleaning the place. But when I came out, she was on the couch. I knew immediately something was wrong.

I flew to her side. โ€œKristen, what is it?โ€

She panted. โ€œI canโ€™t see. Myโ€ฆmy eyes are blurry.โ€

She was covered in sweat. Shaking, breathing hard. I pulled back her eyelid and she swatted at me.

Combative.

Hypoglycemic.

I ran to the kitchen, praying that she hadnโ€™t tossed all the trash. I spotted an old In-N-Out cup with Coke in it from yesterday and grabbed it, running back to the couch.

โ€œKristen, I need you to drink this. Youโ€™re not going to like it, but I need you to do it.โ€

It was flat, old, and room temp, but it was all I had in the apartment. I put the straw to her lips.

She shook her head violently and clenched her teeth. โ€œNo.โ€

โ€œListen, your glucose levels are low. You need sugar. Drink this. Youโ€™ll feel better. Come on.โ€

She tried to knock the cup from my hands, and I protected it like it was the cure for cancer.

If she didnโ€™t get her blood sugar up, she could have a seizure next. Slip into unconsciousness. And her symptoms were already advanced.

Panic overcame me. My heart pounded in my ears.ย Whatโ€™s wrong with her?

โ€œA few swallows, please,โ€ I begged.

She took the straw in her lips and drank, and my relief was palpable.

It took a few minutes and a few more sips, but she stopped shaking. I got a wet washcloth and wiped her face as she came back around. I peeled her sweatshirt off herโ€”myย sweatshirt.

โ€œWhenโ€™s the last time you ate?โ€ I asked.

She was still a little disoriented. When she looked at me, her eyes didnโ€™t really focus. โ€œI donโ€™t know. I didnโ€™t.โ€

I checked my watch. Jesus, it was almost 2:00 p.m.

โ€œCome onโ€”Iโ€™m taking you to get some food.โ€ I helped her up, putting an arm around her waist. She was so frail. The sides of her stomach were hard.

Something is wrong.

I helped her to my truck and went to the closest fast-food place I could find. It wasnโ€™t what she probably wanted. She fucking hated Burger King, but I needed to get food in her.

We went through the drive-thru and parked in the parking lot. I unwrapped her burger and watched her eat. She looked exhausted. Her skin was sallow.

โ€œAre you diabetic?โ€ I asked, studying her. โ€œNo.โ€ She sniffed.

โ€œAre you sure?โ€

She ate a french fry slowly. โ€œYes.โ€

โ€œDoes diabetes run in your family? Do any of your relatives have it?โ€

โ€œI know what โ€˜runs in the familyโ€™ means,โ€ she snapped. She shot me a glare and I smiled, happy she had moved from hypoglycemic to just plain hangry.

โ€œAnd no, nobody has it. And neither do I.โ€

I put the straw in the top of her orange juice and handed it to her. โ€œHow do you know?โ€

โ€œBecause I donโ€™t have time to be diabetic, Joshua.โ€ I scoffed.ย Of course.

โ€œLook, you need to go to the doctor and have a glucose test. Has this ever happened before?โ€

She shook her head.

I glanced down at her stomach. The tank top sheโ€™d worn under my sweatshirt was fitted. From what I could tell, her stomach hadnโ€™t gotten bigger than it was a few weeks ago. In fact, it looked a little smaller. I wondered if that meant the fibroids were shrinking. Could they respond to weight loss like the rest of her? It didnโ€™t seem likely.

I wanted to feel her abdomen, see if I could use my medical training to figure out what was wrong. But she never let me touch her stomach.

โ€œWhen is your surgery scheduled?โ€ I asked. She took a sip from the soda. โ€œTwo weeks ago.โ€

โ€œWhen are you going to reschedule it?โ€

She shrugged. โ€œI donโ€™t know. Not anytime soon. Itโ€™s a six- to eight-week recovery. I have nobody to take care of meโ€”โ€

โ€œIโ€™ll take care of you.โ€

She pressed her lips into a line. โ€œI need to be with Sloan.โ€

I sat back in the seat, shutting my eyes. I needed her to fucking take care of herself.

Did what she had going on have to do with her condition? But insulin came from the pancreas. What did uterine tumors have to do with a pancreas? I wondered if whatever caused this had been lurking for some time. If she never let herself get hungry, sheโ€™d never get hypoglycemic. She was always really good about eating. She might not have ever let it get to this point before.

โ€œIโ€™m okay,โ€ she said.

I opened my eyes. โ€œNo, youโ€™reย not. You look sick. Youโ€™re pale. Your pulse is weak. You almost passed out back there. You could have had a seizure. What if you had been driving?โ€

Protectiveness coursed through me. She wasย mine. I needed to be able to take care of her, and she wouldnโ€™t let me fucking do it. It defied all the laws of nature. It was wrong. We were in love, and I was supposed to be there for her.

She looked down at her burger. โ€œJosh, Iโ€™m just a little run-down, okay? Iโ€™m sleeping with Sloan in the hospital every night. Iโ€™m living off of black coffee and whatever I can shove in my mouth. My OCD is manicโ€”โ€

โ€œYou have OCD?โ€ It didnโ€™t really surprise me. Iโ€™d seen a touch of it in her since Iโ€™d known her. One of my sisters had it. I knew it when I saw it.

โ€œUsually itโ€™s not this bad, but it gets worse when Iโ€™m under stress.โ€ She finished the burger and balled up the paper like it was an effort to even do that. Then she lay back against the headrest and closed her eyes.

She was falling apart. She was deteriorating physically and mentally trying to keep Sloan together. And where the fuck was I in all this?

Failing her.

She wouldnโ€™t ask for my help. I knew her well enough to know this, and I hadnโ€™t even been to the hospital in three days to check in on her. Iโ€™d left her on her own with Sloan and Brandonโ€™s family and all the rest of it.

I should have been there. Maybe I could have gotten ahead of this life-

support thing. Taken a spot on the overnight shift to be with Sloan so Kristen could get some sleep. Made sure she ate. Talking to me or not, Kristen never turned down food.

I blamed myself for this. But I blamed her too. Because if she had let me, I would have taken care of her. We could have taken care of each other, and neither of us would be in such bad shape.

I reached over and threaded my fingers through hers. She didnโ€™t pull away. She looked too tired to fight me. She squeezed my hand, and the warmth of her touch coursed through me.

โ€œIโ€™ll go to the hospital,โ€ I said. โ€œIโ€™ll talk to his parents, and Iโ€™ll stay with Sloan today. I need you to go home and sleep. And tomorrow I want you to go to the doctor. Call to make the appointment tonight because you might have to fast before they do bloodwork.โ€

She just looked at me, her beautiful face hollow and weary. She was always so strong. It was scary seeing her declining like this.

Love did this to her. Her love of Sloan. And probably her love of me too.

I knew it wasnโ€™t easy on her. I knew she thought she was doing the right thing. But fuck, if she would justย stop. If she would stop, we could both be okay.

She looked at me tiredly. โ€œI bet you wish you would have kicked the tires before falling for this hot mess.โ€ She smiled weakly. โ€œArenโ€™t you glad I saved you from yourself?โ€

I shook my head. โ€œNo, thatโ€™s not how that works, Kristen. Love is for better or worse. Itโ€™s always and no matter what. The no-matter-what just happened first for us.โ€

Her eyes teared up and she pressed her lips together. โ€œI miss you.โ€

My throat got tight. โ€œThenย beย with me, Kristen. Right now. We can move in together, today. Sleep in the same bed. Just say okay. Thatโ€™s all you have to say. Just say okay.โ€

I wanted it so badly my heart felt like it was screaming. I wanted to shake her, kidnap her and hold her hostage until she stopped this crap.

But she shook her head. โ€œNo.โ€

I let go of her hand and leaned away from her against the door, my fingers to the bridge of my nose. โ€œYouโ€™re killing both of us.โ€

โ€œOne dayโ€”โ€

โ€œStop talking to me about one day.โ€ I turned to her. โ€œIโ€™m never going to feel differently about this.โ€

She waited a beat. โ€œNeither am I.โ€

We sat in silence for a moment, and I closed my eyes. I felt her move across the seat, and then her body was pressed against my side. I wrapped an arm around her and let her tuck her head under my chin.

The feel of her was therapeutic. I think it was for both of us. A warm compress for my soul.

Iโ€™d never had all of her at once. Iโ€™d only ever gotten pieces. Her friendship without her body. Her body without her love. And now her love without any of the rest of it.

But even with what little fragments Iโ€™d had, it was enough to tell me I would never stop chasing all of her. Never. Not if I lived to be a hundred. She was it. She just was.

โ€œKristen, youโ€™re the woman Iโ€™m supposed to spend the rest of my life with,โ€ I whispered. โ€œI know it in my fucking soul.โ€

She sniffed. โ€œI know it too, Josh. But that was before.โ€

โ€œBefore what?โ€ I wrapped my arms around her tighter, tears pricking my eyes.

โ€œBefore I broke inside. Before my body made me wrong for you. Sometimes soul mates donโ€™t end up together, Josh. They marry other people. They never meet. Or one of them dies.โ€

I squeezed my eyes shut and felt the lump in my throat get bigger. Just to have her admit it, to have her acknowledge thatโ€™s what we were to each other, was the most validating thing sheโ€™d ever given me.

โ€œKristen, I know what I said, that I donโ€™t want to adopt, that I want my own kids and I want a big family. But you make everything different.โ€

She was quiet for a long time before she answered me. โ€œJosh, if you knew that being with me would take away the one thing Iโ€™ve always wanted, would you do it?โ€

I understood her reasoning. I did. But it didnโ€™t make it easier.

โ€œWhat if it were me who couldnโ€™t have kids?โ€ I asked. โ€œWould you leave

me?โ€

She sighed. โ€œJosh, itโ€™s different.โ€ โ€œHow? How is it different?โ€

โ€œBecause youโ€™re worth it. Youโ€™re worth any flaw you might have. Iโ€™m

not.โ€

I moved her away from me so I could look her in the eye. โ€œYou donโ€™t think youโ€™re worth it? Are you kidding me?โ€

Her exhausted eyes just stared back at me, empty. โ€œIโ€™m not worth it. Iโ€™m a mess. Iโ€™m irritable and impatient. Iโ€™m bossy and demanding. And I have all these health issues. I canโ€™t give you babies. Iโ€™m not worth it, Josh. Iโ€™m not. Another woman would be so much easier.โ€

โ€œI donโ€™t want an easy woman. I wantย you.โ€ I shook my head. โ€œDonโ€™t you get it? You are perfect to me. I feel like a better man just knowing that I can do anything for youโ€”make you lunch, make you laugh, take you dancing. These things feel like a privilege to me. All those things that you think are flaws are what I love about you. Look at me.โ€ I tipped her chin up. โ€œIโ€™m miserable. Iโ€™m so fucking miserable without you.โ€

She started to cry again, and I pulled her back in and held her.

This was the longest talk weโ€™d had about this. I donโ€™t know if she was just too tired and sick to shut me down, or if she just didnโ€™t have anywhere to run to, stuck in my truck like she was, but it made me feel hopeful that she was at least talking to me about it.

I nuzzled into her hair, breathed her in. โ€œI donโ€™t want any of it without you.โ€

She shook her head against my chest. โ€œI wish I could love you less. Maybe if I did, I could stomach taking this dream from you. But I donโ€™t know how to even begin letting someone give up something like that for me. I would feel like apologizing every day of my life.โ€

I took a deep breath. โ€œYou have no idea how much I wish I could go back and never put that shit in your head.โ€

Her fingers opened and closed on my chest. I felt happy. Just sitting there in my truck in a Burger King parking lot, I felt more peace than Iโ€™d felt in weeks just because she was there with me, touching me, talking to me, telling me she loved me. And then that joy drained away when I remembered that this wasnโ€™t going to last. She was going to leave again, and Brandon was still gone. But it was this temporary reprieve that told me that with her by my side, I could get through anything. I could navigate the worst days of my life as long as she stayed by me.

If only sheโ€™d let me get her through the worst days of hers.

She spoke against my chest. โ€œYou know youโ€™re the only man Iโ€™ve ever

cried over?โ€

I laughed a little. โ€œI saw you cry over Tyler. More than once.โ€

She shook her head. โ€œNo. That was always about you. Because I was so in love with you and I knew I couldnโ€™t be with you. You turned me into some sort of crazy person.โ€

She lifted her head and looked at me. โ€œIโ€™m so proud to know you, Josh.

And I feel so lucky to have been loved by someone like you.โ€

She was crying, and I couldnโ€™t keep my own eyes dry anymore. I just couldnโ€™t. And I didnโ€™t care if she saw me cry. Iโ€™d lost the two people I needed most in this life, and Iโ€™d never be ashamed for grieving over either one of them. I let the tears well, and she leaned in and kissed me. The gasp when she touched me and the tightness of her lips told me she was trying not to break down. She held my cheeks in her hands, and we kissed and held each other like we were saying goodbyeโ€”lovers about to be separated by an ocean or a war, desperate, and too grieved to let go.

But she didnโ€™t have to let me go. And she would anyway.

She broke away from me, her chin shaking. โ€œYou deserve to give all that you are to your children one day. To have a little boy who looks like you who you can raise to be the same kind of man you are. You have to move on, okay? You have to.โ€

We were back at the stalemate. I held her forehead to mine by the back of her neck, and I was desperate to know what to say to change her mind. But there was nothing I could do. She was so deep in this mind-set. And how could I even chip away at her when most days she wouldnโ€™t let me anywhere near her?

โ€œKristen, Iโ€™m never going to give you up. Iโ€™m just not. And youโ€™re hurting me. Please stop hurting me. I need you with me. Do you understand?โ€

And then I lost her again.

Her face took on that stony look that I knew so well. She moved away from me, back to the passenger seat, the wall crashing back down, heavy and final.

I leaned forward and put my face in my hands.

I waited a few heartbeats before speaking again. โ€œCan you at least start getting some sleep? If I go to the hospital, will you stay at my place and go

to bed?โ€ I looked back at her.

She nodded. โ€œJosh?โ€ โ€œWhat?โ€

โ€œItโ€™s quiet,โ€ she said. โ€œWhat is?โ€ I asked gently.

โ€œMy mind. Itโ€™s finally quiet. Itโ€™s only quiet when Iโ€™m with you.โ€

* * *

It took a long, emotional discussion with Claudia and her parents, but they agreed to take Brandon off life support tomorrow.

After our meeting at their house, his parents hugged me goodbye, and Claudia followed me out to the driveway. The sun was setting. The freeway hummed nearby. I dragged open the heavy white wrought-iron gate that enclosed their tiny East Los Angeles property.

Claudia had volunteered to stay the night with Sloan in the hospital so I could go home. I just wanted to get back to Kristen. I wanted to slip into bed with her, feel the relief of the sleep that I only found with her next to me.

โ€œThank you,โ€ Claudia said as I turned back from the gate.

She was Brandonโ€™s carbon copy. They had the same expressions, the same eyes.

Iโ€™d never see my friendโ€™s expressions again. The thought hit me like a fist to the gut.

Claudia pulled her sweater around herself. โ€œI donโ€™t think they would have done it if you hadnโ€™t come. It meant something to them that you said this was what heโ€™d want.โ€

She hugged me and when she pulled away, she wiped at her eyes. โ€œItโ€™s hard to argue against faith. You canโ€™t see it, you know?โ€

โ€œYou should try arguing against logic,โ€ I said, clearing the lump in my throat.

She sniffed. โ€œIโ€™d argue against logic any day. Logic can be reasoned with as long as you have the facts. Good night, Josh.โ€

On the drive home, I caught rush-hour traffic. I sat there thinking about the meeting with Brandonโ€™s parents. Horns honked. Red brake lights flashed.

I thought about Kristen, about how no matter how much I told her I wanted her, she didnโ€™t waver. I wanted her to believe in my love for her, to put all her faith in something intangible, the way Brandonโ€™s parents had believed in their prayers being answered. But Kristen wasnโ€™t like that. For her, feelings werenโ€™t grounds for decision making. She looked at this situation like she was a cool car that I couldnโ€™t afford. Something I wanted because of the way it made me feel, not because Iโ€™d considered the price tag and made an educated decision to buy it. She was pros and cons, facts and numbers, black and white. Common sense. She was practical, and there was nothing logical about being with me.

Or was there?

Logic can be reasoned with as long as you have the factsโ€ฆ

I stopped breathing.

Holy shit.

Holy fucking shit!

Iโ€™d been making the wrong argument!

Suddenly I knew how to get through to her. I knew what I had to do.

It would take some time to pull it all togetherโ€”a few weeks maybe. But Iย knew.

I smiled the rest of the way home, until I got there and saw her car was gone.

Inside, my laundry was washed and folded. The apartment was spotless and aired out. And the hoodie Iโ€™d given her all those weeks ago was folded neatly on the bed.

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