I had to get up, had to be somewhere where he wouldn’t see the pain in my eyes. My mask could only hold up so long.
My boundaries had been wavering all day. I’d gotten sloppy—I’d gotten stupid. I’d just missed him too much, and with so little time left I couldn’t help myself. I just wanted to show him how he made me want to be with him. Just today.
Just once.
And now I’d fucked everything up. I never should have started up with him. It was selfish and idiotic to think I could pull this off. And I shouldn’t have gone over there today. I should have ended things after karaoke—I knew better. I knew he was having feelings.
“A shot of Patrón.” I leaned on the worn wooden bar, imagining Josh’s eyes on my back.
This was it. The last day. It was all over now. No more. A lump bolted to my throat.
Well, it was a good day. It was. At least there was that. It came sooner than I’d hoped, but here we were.
A warm body edged up to me as I wiped a tear from my cheek and I turned, expecting Josh. But it was one of the frat guys from the table next to us at trivia.
He tossed his head back, flinging hair from his forehead. “Hey. Do you believe in love at first sight?”
He was wasted. Red eyes, reeking of Jäger. He leered at me, way too close.
I scooted away. “No, but now I believe in annoyed at first sight,” I mumbled.
He snapped his fingers at the bartender. “She’ll have another of whatever she’s got.” He pointed at me.
“Uh, no, she won’t.” I turned to him, irritated, and gave him my best sarcastic smile. “What’s your name?”
He beamed under ruddy cheeks. “Kyle.”
“Okay, Kyle. I’m trying to be a better person these days, so I’m going to tell you to fuck off in the nicest way possible.” I gave him crazy eyes. “Fuck off. Please.”
He laughed. “Wow, okay.” He blew a sour breath in my face.
The bartender slid my tequila in front of me, and Kyle dropped a bill on the bar. I slid it back to him. “No.” I shook my head incredulously. “What is it about the look on my face that is encouraging to you right now?”
I never understood men who wouldn’t take no for an answer. I opened my purse and paid. “Keep the change.” Then I picked up my shot and gave Kyle my back, shaking my head.
He grabbed my arm from behind. “Hey, don’t be fucking rude…”
I was looking down on his hand, ready to introduce him to my elbow, when suddenly Josh was there.
He pushed between me and Kyle, knocking him away from me. “Hey, get your fucking hands off her.”
Then he lurched forward with a shove, crashing into me, sloshing my shot all over the bar.
Josh moved so quickly Kyle didn’t know what hit him.
Josh was big, but he never struck me as someone who could be fast. He was a viper.
In a split second he had Kyle shoved against the bar with his arm twisted behind his back, his cheek pressed into the counter.
The bouncer showed up out of nowhere. “You and you, out,” he said, pointing at Josh and Kyle.
Josh let go of his drunk idiot and I grabbed my purse and jumped from my stool, making my escape before he tried to get me to go with him. I threaded my way through empty high-top tables toward the ladies’ room,
but Josh caught up and grabbed my arm.
“So you’re just gonna run from me? We’re not going to talk about this?”
I whirled on him and yanked my arm down. “No, we’re not. There’s nothing to talk about. I’m single, we’re not a thing. You knew that from the beginning.”
The pain rippled across his face.
I’d never seen him like this. I’d never seen him worked up before about anything. He was always so laid back, and all I could think was that I’d managed to hurt this sweet man. It gutted me. I couldn’t keep looking at him.
I made to move past him to the ladies’ room, desperate to hide from the damage I caused, but he blocked my way. “How can you act like today didn’t happen, Kristen?”
“Josh, I don’t want to argue with you. Move,” I said, glaring at him.
His jaw set and I pushed past him. Then he picked me up and threw me over his shoulder like I was a fire hose. Hooting and cheering erupted in the bar.
“Josh! Put me down!”
I struggled uselessly against his grip. He had seventy-five pounds on me, and he was on a mission. I wasn’t going anywhere. His arms locked like a cage.
“You’re not running from me anymore,” he said. “You’re talking to me.”
He came out through the double doors into the parking lot, and he didn’t set me down until we were on the grassy divider by the street.
As soon as I got my feet under me, indignant rage bubbled over. “Don’t ever do that again. I’m not your fucking possession,” I hissed at him.
His eyes flashed. “No, you’re not my anything, are you? I’m allowed to touch you as long as I don’t act like it means something, right?”
The emotion on his face twisted my insides. Anguish and despair swirled in his eyes.
I turned back for the bar to escape that look, and his arms were around my shoulders in a second, locking my back against his chest.
His lips went to my ear. “I can see the way you feel about me when you don’t think anyone is looking. I fucking see it, Kristen.” His voice cracked. “I remember what you said to me that night in Vegas. I remember.”
All of the fight drained out of my body in an instant.
He breathed into my ear. “Why won’t you just let me love you?”
A sob burst from my mouth, and I went limp in his arms. He held me up, hugging me to himself, absorbing my surrender.
I turned in the circle of his embrace and buried my crying in his shirt. He put his face into my neck and held me so tightly I couldn’t breathe. But I didn’t want to breathe. I wanted to be his prisoner. I wanted to never escape.
Tears poured out of me. “I can’t, Josh.” I gasped into his chest. “You don’t know it all.”
“Then tell me,” he said. He pulled away from me and spoke to my eyes. “What is it? Because I know you want me. I know you’re acting. Just tell me why.”
How do you share something like that? How could I tell him that my body could never do the one thing he needed it to? I couldn’t. I couldn’t get the words out. I couldn’t bear to see my value drop in his eyes, see him realize I wasn’t actually what he wanted.
Less of a woman.
Damaged goods.
Barren.
Sterile.
I shook my head, biting my lips together. “Josh, you should just forget about me. Get serious with one of those other women you see. Have sex with them. Move on.”
He let out a puff of exasperation. “What other women? There are no other women. There never has been. Do you know what I’m doing when you think I’m on dates? I’m at home, alone, wishing I was with you. This is what you’ve made me into. I pretend to see other people because I know if I don’t, you won’t see me anymore. Why?”
“You…you haven’t been seeing anyone else?” I blinked at him. “Of course not. I’m fucking in love with you.”
And like he couldn’t stand not to for one more second, he grabbed me and kissed me. His lips were pained and desperate, and I hopelessly kissed him back. I climbed him, combing my hands in his hair. I wished I could drown in him. I needed to extinguish the burning disappointment in my soul, and for a few seconds, I did.
And then I pushed him away.
He let me go and I staggered back in the grass, and he stood there,
panting.
“Josh, I can’t see you anymore, okay? This is over.” I choked on the words.
I watched what I said hit him like a smack. “Why?”
I wiped my face with the back of my hand and blinked through the tears. “Because you’re obviously taking this way more seriously than you should be. I told you. I told you from day one that this would only ever be sex. I never lied to you.”
His jaw went rigid. “You’re lying to me right now. I know this isn’t what you want. You fucking love me, Kristen. Just stop—” He reached for me and I smacked his hand away.
He stood staring at me, confusion and hurt etched all over his handsome face. “Why aren’t I good enough? Is it because I don’t speak a dozen languages? I don’t have a fucking master’s degree? I don’t make enough money? What is it?”
It’s not you.
I let the tears run down my face, and I clutched at my facade. “You thought you could change me just like you thought you could change Celeste. You’re changing the rules, just like you did to her. Don’t put your shit on me, Josh. You said you could handle this. You said you could—”
“I’m not fucking crazy! Stop acting like I’m making this up!” He dragged his hands down his face and balled his fists over his eyes. He stood there, his breath coming out in gasps, and I wanted to run to him and dive into his arms. But I didn’t budge.
“We’re in love,” he said, blinking at me through tears. “We are. Why are you doing this?”
My bottom lip trembled. “Fine. So we’re in love. What do you want from me, Josh?”
He let out a shaky breath, and the relief transformed every inch of his body. His eyes softened into hope.
He closed the space between us and gathered my face in his hands. “I want what we had today, all the time. I want to be with you. I want to hold your hand on a walk and kiss you in a damn booth. I want you to answer my fucking calls and let me hug you. I want to make plans with you on New Year’s and my birthday and tell people you’re my girlfriend.” His eyes begged me. “Please, Kristen. Just…stop.”
“I can’t have children.”
I forced it from myself before I lost the ability to do it. It had the desired effect. He froze.
“What?” he breathed.
“I can’t have children. I have a condition. I’ll never have them.”
His hands dropped from my face. He stared at me with his mouth open, the color draining from his cheeks. “You can’t…what do you…what?”
I took a few steps backward, giving myself a head start. He didn’t move.
He just stood there, shell shocked, gawking at me.
When he didn’t reach for me again, I turned and ran.
