Mom handed me a hot tea and put a hand to my forehead. โNo fever. Maybe just a stomach bug.โ She sat on the bed next to me.
I held the mug in my hands and stared bleary-eyed into the amber liquid.
I felt hollow. Iย wasย hollow.
Iโd faced Nick completely defenseless. The anger that had shielded me all this time had disintegrated without me noticing, and then when Iโd needed it, Iโd had nothing to protect me.
They were married now. She was pregnant. Theyโd gotten their little happily-ever-after.
If Iโd had the baby, where would I have been in all this? The single mother to a newborn? Like Mom? A child Nick hadnโt cared one ounce about and was probably relieved that Iโd lost?
The fallout from our divorce still wasnโt over. It had just evolved. It wasnโt even about Nick anymore. Now it was a cautionary tale for the relationship I was in, because what had I learned? What was different this time around? I was head-over-heels in loveโagain. I was living in a house that wasnโt mine and could be taken from meโagain. I was vulnerable and exposed and blindly trusting someone.
And I was pregnant. Again.
I hadnโt known it until that moment in the elevator. Iโd felt that tiny wave of nausea, and it was like a lightbulb went on and my brain and body realized it at the same exact time. And it happened while face-to-face with
Nick and Kelly and the reminder of how it turned out whenever I thought I was safe with someone. I was staring at exactly what happens when I give all of myself with complete abandon, while simultaneously realizing that Iโd just fucking done it again.
Iโd learned nothing from Nick. Not a thing.
Jacob and I were so new. Of course he loved me now. But what about when I wasnโt fun? When I was sick, or moody, or the sex tapered off, or if I lost the baby because maybe I couldnโt carry one to term in the first place. Would he want me if I couldnโt give him kids?
The tears came.
Weโd been careless. Not every time, but enough. It had taken so long to get pregnant with Nick I didnโt think it would happen this easily. It was like my poor, abandoned eggs realized this was their last chance and they stormed the gates.
I put the mug on the nightstand and pulled my legs up and tucked my face into my knees.
Mom put a hand on my shoulder. โWhatโs wrong,ย mija?โ
I breathed into the fleece of my pajamas. It smelled like Jacobโs lavender laundry beads and the orange-scented lotion Iโd put on my legs after the bath Mom made me take when I came home. I knew Iโd never be able to smell either ever again without it summoning this moment.
Mom started to rub my back and it made me cry harder.
โIโm pregnant, Mamรก.โ The words eked out of me. It was the first time Iโd spoken them into the universe since the time it happened with Nick. Only this time I wasnโt excited. I was terrified.
โAre you sure?โ she whispered.
I nodded into my knees. โI took two tests when I got home. Iโm sure.โ โHow many weeks?โ she asked.
I raised my head, wiping at my cheeks. โYour pregnancy starts on the first day of your last period. So five, probably.โ
โHe doesnโt want it?โ
I shook my head. โHe doesnโt even know yet.โ
โYou didnโt use protection? Two doctors, you donโt know how babies are made?โ
I laughed dryly and put my forehead into my hand.
She let out a long breath and we sat quietly for a moment. Then she peered over at me. โHeโs a good man.โ
My chin started to quiver.
โHeโd make a good papรก,โ she said. โA good husband. And I donโt say that about very many men,ย mija.โ
โIโm not marrying him.โ
She looked at me perplexed. โWhy not? You might be having his baby.โ She gestured to my belly. โYou donโt want to be a family?โ
Of course I wanted to be a family. But when did that actually work out? It had never worked out for meโnot in the family I grew up in or the one I thought I was making for myself when I married Nick. Why would this time be different?
Only itย wasย different. It wasย worse.
Loving Jacob felt like falling up. Like there was nothing to stop me so Iโd just keep going forever. And if I hadnโt seen Nick and Kelly last night, maybe I would have. I would have just continued in this fugue state I was in, blissfully ignorantโbecause Jacob had made me forget what he was. But now I remembered.
Jacob was aย man.
And men do what men do.
I suddenly viewed my sweet, docile boyfriend like a wild animal raised in captivity. Tame and domesticatedโbut might still bite one day, just because the instinct was bred into his genes.
There wasnโt enough rage in the universe to get me through it if Jacob hurt me. It would kill me. I would never come back from it.
โIโm never getting married again.โ I sniffed. โIโm not doing any of it. I donโt even know if I should stay with him.โ
She pulled her face back. โWhat? What do you mean youโre not going to stay with him?ย Oye, estรกs siendo ridรญcula!โ
โMamรก, just stop.โ
โPregnant, with a perfectly good man who loves youโdo you think being a single parent is fun? You donโt remember how it was?โ
โI canโt, Mamรก.โ
โWhy?โ
โBecause it will hurt too much when he leaves!โ I snapped. She went silent.
โI canโt do it again,โ I said, my voice wavering. โIย canโt. Especially now. You donโt think I want to? That I donโt wish the idea of being pregnant and shacked up with a man Iโm in love with didnโt scare the absolute shit out of me? I donโt even know what to feel right now. I donโt. I donโt even know if thereโs going toย beย a baby in a week. And if there is, I donโt know that I can give her the childhood I had. Itโs better this way, so when he leaves, it doesnโt break herโโ I cracked on the last word and I buried my face in my hands.
I felt like a short-circuiting toy. Sparks popping and wires frayed. Iโd been fine. A fully functional, happy human being. And then all at once I wasnโt.
I just sat there and cried. My sobbing was so loud I was glad Benny had a life now and he wasnโt home to hear it.
A hand squeezed my shoulder, and after a few minutes, I started to settle down.
Mom handed me a wad of tissues. โIโm sorry,โ she said, softer now. โI never knew it affected you like that. I always thought it was me and you, and we did okay.โ
I took a few deep, steadying breaths. โWe did. We did do okay. Thatโs the only way I knowย howย to be okay. On my own. Where I donโt have to trust anyone to be there.โ
Mom paused for a long beat. โBrianaโฆI know your dad wasnโt a good man and Nick wasnโt a good man. And maybe I taught you that none of them are and thatโs my fault. I just wanted you to protect yourself, not to be afraid of loving again. I did. I found Gil. Iโm happy. Itโs the greatest revenge to be happy. To have a good life. So have one. Withย him.โ
I took a deep breath. Then another. I looked up at my mother with wet eyes. โI love the quiet gentle life of that quiet gentle man,โ I said. โIย wantย to be brave enough to love him with my eyes closed. I just donโt think I can.โ
I wished I could. Or I wished I loved him less. Because then the stakes wouldnโt be so high. There wouldnโt be as far to fall if he let me downโย whenย he let me down. And I was already so far gone.
Jacob had managed to slip me into his life, so gently, so seamlessly, that I didnโt even realize how much of myself Iโd already surrendered until I stood in his house this morning, suddenly fully awake.
When I was looking around his living room, it was like Iโd blacked out three months ago and woke up pregnant and a common-law wife to a man Iโd just met. That was the reality of this. Iโdย justย met him. We hadnโt even
gone through a full season yet together, and I wasย livingย with him and expecting his damn baby.
If I didnโt know Nick after twelve years, how could I possibly know Jacob after just a few months? And no matter how well you know someone, or for how long, you can never be in their head. You can never know what theyโre really thinking. Even if it feels perfect, even ifย theyย feel perfectโ perfect isnโt actually perfect.
Thereโs always the chance of rejection.
My heart wanted to believe that maybe Jacobย wasย different. Maybe we were soul mates, and thatโs why it had all happened so fast and so easily. But my brain screamed that I was just stupidโmaking impulsive, irresponsible decisions with a stranger. And it was one thing to do this when only my heart was on the line. But it was something else to do this to a child.
I had no doubt Jacob would be a wonderful daddy. Heโd always want our baby. But he probably wouldnโt always wantย me. And I didnโt want my kid to have to see me crumble into a million pieces when that time came. Watch us separate one day, him packing his bags and moving out the way Iโd watched my daddy do once.
I had to make choices now to protect her later.
I blinked into the room, staring through tears at the dark spots on the walls where posters used to be.
I couldnโt explain the intense, panicked flight response I was feeling. The need toย run. Push him away before he hurt me, like all the other important men in my life had. Get myself to safety before it was too late, insulate myself before history repeated itself.
I put my face to my knees again.
I was desperate for him to tell me I hadnโt made a horrible mistake. I wanted Jacob to make me all the promises and tell me it was going to be okay, that I was safe and loved and he wanted this and he wanted me. I wanted him to tell me we were different, and I wished to God that I was the kind of undamaged person who could believe something like that.
But I wasnโt. And I probably never would be.