I came knowing he probably didn’t want to see me, knowing I might not like what I found when I got here. I came knowing a door could be slammed in my face or not opened at all.
But I came anyway.
And now Justin was sitting back in his chair across from me, staring at the baseboards and he’d just told me he wished I hadn’t come.
He was in a hoodie. His hair was messy, the way I liked. I’d almost forgotten how much I missed looking at him. How handsome he was. But his gentle brown eyes weren’t happy to see me.
When I pulled up across the street from his house with Sarah, I sat there for a moment. I could see his bedroom window from where I was parked. The one he’d peered out at me from once when I showed up in the rain the night I’d decided to stay.
Home is something that’s always there, I realized. No matter where you are in the world, you know it’s where you left it, unchanged and waiting. Only now that I was here, I saw Justin was neither unchanged or waiting.
He was cold. Short with me. And not glad at all that I was here.
I’d planned to go right into what I’d come to say, but now I didn’t even know how to start or even if I should.
It’s one thing to go to therapy and learn skills. It’s very different to have to use them in real life. And I did need to use them.
I’d felt myself start to get small the second I got here. My old coping mechanism triggered by his obvious unhappiness at seeing me. The plucking at the edges and the need to withdraw and turn inward. My old knee-jerk reaction begged me to get up and go before this did any more
damage.
But I’d held my ground. I held it for as long as I needed to, right up until he told me he wished I hadn’t come. And now it was time to go.
I wish I would have known that the last time he’d looked at me with love in his eyes was the last time. I would have savored it. It was so hard to see what I’d lost.
I missed everything.
The tender way he always touched me. My fingers circling the hair on his chest as I lay with my head on his shoulder while we talked. Hearing the rumbling of his voice under my ear. The way he’d wake up in the middle of the night and feel for me and pull me in. How his eyes used to light up when he saw me.
There was something faded there now. All of what was good was gone.
My heart broke.
This was the price. The price of being better.
Because the old me would never have come here. The old me would have left Minnesota six months ago, been in a different state by now. The old me wouldn’t have gotten close enough to see if the love had disappeared from his eyes.
I was going to cry. And now I really did need to go. Not because I was running, but because this visit was over. I was sorry I’d come. I didn’t want to stir anything up or hurt him or remind him of something he’d already put away. He clearly didn’t want me here and there was nothing for me here either.
“I’m sorry. I’ll go.” I stood up and set the dog on the floor.
Justin looked at me but didn’t say a word. A second later his chair scraped against the tile and he got up and started walking me out.
Brad was running at my feet, yipping and crying.
We got to the door and Justin opened it for me to a blast of chilly air. I saw the nose of my car across the street through the screen. Pictured the drive back to Wakan. The Toilet King billboards along the freeway until I got far enough outside of Justin’s world that they disappeared. I would exit onto the windy road back to my side of Minnesota. Take the two-lane highway past the sign welcoming me to Wakan. Through Main Street, along the river. Back to Grant House.
Grant House. My family home. But not my home.
My home was here. My home was him. The man saying goodbye to me. And he didn’t even know it. I hadn’t been strong enough to tell him then, back when it mattered.
But I was strong enough now.
I turned in the entry. “I have something to say to you before I go. I’m going to tell you what I’m thinking, even though you didn’t ask.” I braced myself. “I love you, Justin.”
He blinked at me.
I took a deep breath. “I know that I hurt you when I left. And to be honest, I couldn’t have done anything differently at that time. I was traumatized and dealing with PTSD. Back then, I couldn’t even tell you how I felt about you. I didn’t even want to admit it to myself because it scared me so much.” I licked my lips. “I miss you. I miss the kids. I miss the dog. I think about you every day, I scour Sarah’s Snap stories for little pieces of you and listen to the last voicemail you sent me, and it’s sad and pathetic and I don’t even care. I wanted to call you so many times, but I was trying to deal with what happened to me and I knew I wouldn’t be good for you, so I decided to leave you alone. And some of that was me still being scared because with you the stakes are so high. I didn’t know if I could recover if you didn’t want me anymore. I needed to do more work on myself to be ready for that, and I have. I was coming here to see you today when Sarah called me. I was already in Minneapolis. And seeing her was hard too because I didn’t know if she could forgive me either, and I went anyway. You might not understand what a big deal that is, but it’s huge. It’s progress and it’s growth and I was brave and I showed up.
“I know it probably doesn’t matter, but I could meet you where you are now. I can meet all of you. I’ve filled my cracks. I don’t want to be an island. I want a village. I want lots of friends and lots of love in my life. I stayed somewhere for the first time without any plans to leave, I unpacked my luggage and I kept the stupid box to my new phone and I have way more than two suitcases’ worth of stuff. I took a permanent job and I’ve been going to therapy. I’m learning to depend on people and ask for help. I’m trying to be vulnerable, even when I know I might end up getting hurt, and part of that is telling people how I feel.” I took a deep breath. “I know I
never said I love you. You have to understand how hard that word was for me. Everyone I have ever loved has been taken from me except for Maddy. And even with her I was always braced for it. So I just never let myself get close to anyone because that’s the only way I ever felt safe. But with you…”
I peered at him, tearing up. His eyes were wide.
“I didn’t have a choice with you,” I said. “I couldn’t keep you out. I want you to know that I loved you at first sight, Justin. It just took me a really long time to be able to tell you what I saw.”
He let out a shaky puff of air.
“I love you,” I said again. “I’m sorry it came so late. You deserved to hear it sooner. When it still mattered.”
He was staring at me through tears. He didn’t move and he didn’t say anything. But I didn’t regret telling him. I was proud of myself for coming here and telling him. The words were his and he should have them.
I pulled in a shuddering breath and turned for the door. Then I pivoted back around. “Also, I’m not leaving until I check Chelsea’s ears. If you want to stop me, you’re going to have to tackle me.” I stepped around him and started for the stairs.
“Emma…”
Before I could process what was happening, he was spinning me into his chest. I blinked up at him in surprise.
“Not again,” he breathed. His eyes pleaded with me. “Don’t walk out on me again.”
It took me a moment to comprehend what he was saying. It was such a change from the moment before. “Please,” he begged.
“I would stay forever if you asked me,” I whispered. “Then stay.”
I broke in half.
I peered up at him, at the open expression he wore. The dozens of emotions. Everything I thought I’d lost was suddenly flooding out of him.
He still loved me. He forgave me.
I knew in that moment that I would never run again. If he really did want me, I would dock for a lifetime. I would do it all. I would move in here and raise these kids with him and be still and big and present. I knew how to now.
I started crying. Sobbing. He was crying too.
I don’t know how long we stood there in the doorway wiping tears off each other’s faces and whispering I love you. Long enough that the laughter of relief rolled in. The smiling and nodding and brushing hair off wet cheeks.
Alex came home and fist pumped in the doorway and then ran upstairs calling Sarah. Chelsea escaped her sister and came down holding her blanket and stood there hugging our legs. Sarah smiled from the top of the steps and didn’t look the least bit grossed out by the scene.
And it was perfect.
All of it was perfect. An encapsulated moment.
Justin looked in my eyes. “You know,” he said, “if the curse is true, the next person you date is going to be your soulmate.”
I smiled. “The next person you date’s going to be yours too.”
He cupped my face in his palms. “I was wondering if you’d like to go out with me sometime,” he whispered. “Four dates. A kiss. No breakup.”
I laughed, the tears starting to well again. “Not just for the summer?” “No. Forever this time.”
