I got the text from Maddy right as I was getting out of my meeting. She told me briefly what happened, and I came immediately. I didn’t even know Emma had left.
Maddy was alone in the yard putting button-down shirts into a laundry basket when I walked around the side of Neil’s house.
I don’t know how much was out there on the lawn to begin with, but it must have been a lot because it looked like a whole walk-in closet was still on the grass.
I shook my head over the mess. “What the hell happened?”
She pushed a loose hair off her forehead with the back of her hand. “Amber happened. I’m sorry you had to come. There’s no way the two of us can clean this up. It’s Emma’s birthday tomorrow. If we don’t help her get through this today she’s going to be small for a week, and I will not let that woman ruin another important day for her.”
“Yeah, of course,” I said, looking over the clothes. “What can I help with?”
She handed me the basket. “Take this up. It’s the last room at the top of the stairs. Emma’s in the walk-in closet.”
“All right.” I turned for the house. “Justin—”
I stopped and looked back at her.
“Do you know what to do when she gets small?” I shook my head. “No.”
“She’s going to get really detached and distant. Give her space, but don’t leave her alone. And whatever you do, never let her take off.”
“Okay…”
“I’m serious,” she said. “Keep her near you. Put her in a room, let her isolate, let her sleep, bring her food. Don’t talk to her until she’s ready to talk, give her time to come out of it. But don’t let her leave.”
I nodded. “All right. Why?”
“Because she won’t come back.”
By the matter-of-fact way she said it, I knew she meant it. And I wondered what she’d seen to make her believe this.
I realized that Maddy was probably one of the only people who’d ever taken care of Emma. She was probably the only person that Emma allowed to take care of her.
And now there was me too. And I would. However I needed to.
I carried the basket through the house to find Emma hanging things up in the closet of the master bedroom. When she saw me, her face went from surprise to crumpled in the course of two seconds flat. I set the basket down and wrapped her in my arms, and she burst into tears.
Protectiveness surged through me. I hated this.
I could feel how tired she was. It reminded me of the way Mom felt the day she left. An emotional exhaustion. Bone weariness.
Only love hurts this way. And the way that her pain hurt me was love too.
“How did you know?” she whispered.
“Maddy called me,” I said, tucking her under my chin. She nodded into my chest. “Thank you for coming.” “Just meeting you where you are. In a closet.”
She laughed a little, and I tightened my grip around her. “Where’s Amber?” I asked.
“In the bathtub.” She sniffled. “What time does Neil come home?”
“I called Royaume. Hector says he’ll be there until at least four.”
“Okay,” I said, pulling away to brush the hair off her forehead. “So we have some time. We’ll get it all cleaned up, okay? Does he know?”
She shook her head solemnly. “No. But Maria will tell him.” “What do you think he’ll do?”
She hugged her arms around herself. “Kick her out? That’s what they usually do.”
I drew my brows down. “Does she do this a lot?”
“She does this every time, Justin.” She peered up at me, her eyes sad. “I don’t know what’s wrong with her.” Her chin started to quiver.
I pulled her into me and held her again. “Maybe it’s better if she leaves,” I said, quietly. “Maybe it’s better for you.”
She shook her head. “When she’s here, it’s this. When she’s not, I’m just braced for the call because she’s doing this somewhere else where I don’t know if she’s safe.” She paused. “There is no better for me.”
We stood there, me holding her and her taking calming breaths in my arms. “We need to hurry,” she said finally. “I don’t want Neil to see this.”
I spent the next hour carrying heavy baskets up the stairs like a pack mule. When we finally got everything off the lawn, the three of us blitzed the closet. About halfway through, Amber came dragging out of the bathroom. Emma tried to get her to help with the cleanup, but it was almost more work to get Amber moving than to just do it herself so she gave up.
It was obvious Amber was in some sort of meltdown. I knew I should probably look at her actions the way Emma did, with empathy and not anger, but I was angry anyway, because I was pretty sure Amber didn’t do anything to try to help herself. I think she allowed Emma to mitigate the damage, and I think she’d been doing that since Emma was little. I could see now why Maddy hated her.
If this had been her childhood, Emma never got to be a kid. She didn’t even get to be a carefree adult. And I didn’t know how to help or what to even tell her. How would I feel if my mom were like this? How do you not care if someone you love is having a complete mental breakdown?
Amber felt like a curse.
I understood now why Emma wanted so badly for Amber to be working on herself and why Maddy didn’t buy it and wanted her gone.
Maybe Neil would get her to agree to the inpatient program Emma told me he offered. Now I found myself hoping. Maybe Amber never had the means or the support to get the kind of help she needed. Hell, maybe Amber would do for Neil what she never did for her own kid and get her shit together. Maybe this would be the turning point. Because if it wasn’t, when would this end?
By 3:30 we were done. Emma brushed out Amber’s hair and put it in a French braid, then left her asleep in bed.
We came down the stairs to Maria in the kitchen. “You threw out the flowers,” Maria said, pouring herself a glass of juice. “I wondered how long they were going to rot.”
Emma stopped. “If you saw them rotting, why didn’t you toss them?”
Maria scoffed. “Because she told me not to touch her stuff? So I don’t touch.”
“And what does Neil say about that?” I asked.
She shrugged. “If he wants to live with trash,” she said, emphasizing the word, “that’s none of my business.”
Emma stared at her for a moment. I didn’t know if she didn’t defend Amber because she was too tired for the fight, or if she agreed with Maria’s assessment of her mother, but she didn’t reply. I led her out of the kitchen and took her hand as we came out to the backyard.
The second we were outside and the Amber ordeal was over, Emma was spent. It was like she funneled everything into fixing the mess, and when it was done there was nothing left of her. I could tell she was small. I’d never seen her like this before, but I recognized it on sight. She was quiet and withdrawn. Flat. Almost monotone. I was glad Maddy prepared me for it because I wouldn’t have known what to think.
I checked my watch. “I have to go get Chelsea. Do you want to come home with me or have Maddy take you to the house so you can get in bed?” “I think I need to stay home today,” she said, tiredly. “I’ll just go to the
studio.”
Maddy shook her head. “Go home with Justin. I’ll come meet you tomorrow for your birthday lunch.”
Emma looked blankly back and forth between us.
I put an arm around her shoulders. “Let’s go home. I’ll make you dinner, and you can stay in bed for the rest of the day. We’ll watch movies, go to sleep early.”
I was relieved when she nodded.
I drove us to pick up Chelsea, then put Emma upstairs while I helped Sarah with homework and got dinner started. I was stressed the whole time.
I’d missed almost a whole day of work today. I’d have to log in tonight after Emma went to sleep.
My job had always been flexible. I could pretty much do it whenever I wanted to, as long as I logged in for the morning stand-up and put in my
hours. But now, if I didn’t work while the kids were in school, I couldn’t get anything done. I got up at 6:30 to get them out the door, made them a hot breakfast because that’s what Mom always did, even though it meant cleanup and less time to sleep. I took Chelsea to preschool, worked from 9:00 to 4:30 basically nonstop. Then it was pick up Chelsea, homework with Sarah, activities, laundry, chores, dinner, bath time, and my whole day was gone.
I had no idea how single parents did this. I had no time for anything, let alone myself.
But for Emma, I would make time. It wasn’t even a question. I would fit her into the complicated web that was my life. Because when you’re in love, you do hard things.
And nothing about anything was easy right now.
