I woke up to my alarm at 5:30 in Justin’s dark room. He pulled me into a warm sleepy hug. “Don’t go.”
“I have to,” I said quietly. “I don’t want the kids to know I stayed the night.”
He groaned and nuzzled into my neck.
This is how we’d been doing it for the last two weeks. Me, sneaking in after the kids went to bed and getting up to leave before they woke up. It was very exhausting and extremely inconvenient.
It was totally worth it.
Maddy and I extended our contract another six weeks at Royaume. Maddy said it was technically still my turn since I’d only asked for six weeks to begin with and a turn is usually three months long. So we were here now until late October.
We hadn’t talked about what would happen next. Me and Maddy or me and Justin. I was a little afraid to.
I was already extremely outside my comfort zone. But at least I had six more weeks to feel this all out.
In the meantime, Maddy and I did need to decide on a new living situation. It was September now and we were officially over the island. Justin had offered his apartment for free for the few months he still had it. Maddy liked free, so we packed up and vacated the cottage, but the studio was unfurnished with only enough room for the one air mattress that Maddy and I had to share—and it had a giant toilet bowl outside. So we’d been looking at other rentals but hadn’t found one we liked yet.
Mom hadn’t even noticed I’d left. But then she’d barely cared when I
was there, so that made sense.
Something was starting to shift inside of me with Mom. Maybe because I hadn’t spent this much time adjacent to her in almost fifteen years, but I was realizing that even though I loved her, I wasn’t sure I liked her.
Even thinking this felt wrong. She was my mom. But I didn’t like what she did to Neil that day in the driveway. It put such a bad taste in my mouth, and she hadn’t made any attempts to see me since then so the feeling lingered.
She never replied to any of my texts from the days I was sick. Didn’t return one call. Never circled back to check on me. Even Maria had texted to ask how I was.
I looked at my watch.
Justin hugged me tighter. “Staaaaaay.”
“You’re seeing me later,” I said. “I have to go. Maddy needs her car.”
He shifted until he was half on top of me and his boner was pressed into my thigh. “Why don’t you just take mine next time?” he said, peppering tiny kisses down my collarbone.
“I can’t take your car.”
“I have the van,” he said, his hands wandering. “Alex can’t drive it yet, so it’s just sitting there. Uber the next time you come over and take my car home.”
He slipped a hand into my underwear and I sucked in a breath of air. “What time does Alex get up for the bus?” I whispered, tipping my head back as he nibbled on my ear.
“Another forty-five minutes…”
Plenty of time.
“Let me brush my teeth.”
We both got up and went to the bathroom. Justin stood there brushing his teeth over the sink, no shirt, bare perfectly defined chest, blue pajama bottoms with a hard outline in the front that I liked very much. I smiled around my toothbrush.
I could not get enough of him.
Opting for these sleepovers instead of actually sleeping was starting to affect my work. I’d been over here so much I’d only slept in the bed at the Toilet King studio three times since the first night I came over.
He made my lunch every day—enormous, chaotic bags of snacks and
sandwiches. He always made one for Maddy too. He kept trying to get me to stay for one of his breakfasts, but that meant eating with the kids, so I never did. I bet they were good though.
I rinsed my toothbrush and trained my gaze on the front of his pants. He spit. “Uh, my eyes are up here.”
“Uh-huh,” I said, not looking up. “That’s it. I’m cutting you off.”
I gasped. “What? Why?”
He gave me a fake stern look. “You need to stop using me like a piece of meat. It’s dehumanizing. I’m serious.”
I cracked up and he crashed into me and walked me backward to the bed, laughing. He slid over me on the mattress and kissed me, his smile so big I could feel it against my mouth.
I loved this. Everything about it.
I loved that he always made me laugh. I loved that no matter what we were doing, it was fun. I loved that I slept so well when he was next to me, and I felt safe and cared for and wanted.
And I really, really loved the sex.
“I wish I didn’t have to go,” I breathed. “Stay here. I’ll hide you in my closet.” “Ha.”
He nipped at my lip. “My secret girlfriend. Comes and goes under the cloak of darkness.”
I snorted.
“We are trying this out to see if it works,” I whispered. “Your siblings don’t need to get attached to someone who might…”
He pulled away with an arched eyebrow. “Someone who might what?” I gave him a look. “You know what I mean.”
“I do not know what you mean,” he said, smiling. “Because I like you more than like, so it doesn’t matter if your people get attached to me. I’m not going anywhere.” He caged me between his forearms and kissed under my chin. “If you came during normal business hours, I’d make you breakfast…”
I pretended to think about it. “I do like your food.” Wailing started a few bedrooms over. We both froze. Chelsea.
And she was coming. The sound was floating down the hall. “Shit,” I whispered.
He dropped his head to my chest in defeat before he got up and dug in a drawer.
She’d been having nightmares.
“I have to go get her,” he said, pulling on a shirt. He leaned down quickly and pecked me on the lips. “I don’t know how long I’ll be with her. If I don’t come back before you have to leave, I’ll see you tonight.”
He slid out the door and closed it behind him. I could hear him scoop his baby sister up in the hallway. “Heeeey, what happened, huh? It’s okay…”
“I wanna sleep with yoooou,” she wailed. “We can sleep in your room, okay?”
The crying went up a notch. She wanted to be in her mom’s room. It was probably comforting for her.
Justin was trying to convince her to go with him back to her bed and she was crying and telling him no. The sobbing was hitting a crescendo. I got up.
I opened the door and popped out my head. He was holding her in the hallway, shushing her and rubbing her back. “Justin? Just bring her in,” I whispered.
He turned and his little sister blinked at me through tears. Then she outstretched her arms and reached, opening and closing her fists.
My heart melted.
I stepped into the hallway and took her. She put her head on my shoulder, drew a deep breath, let it out shakily, and immediately calmed down.
I stared at Justin over the little girl in my arms and he smiled.
We went back into his room and lay down with Chelsea between us. And he just gazed at me, head on the pillow, while his little sister fell back asleep.
An hour later, I was at breakfast, in my pajamas, in Justin’s kitchen, with his whole family.
Justin was at the stove, flipping slices of ham in butter and making waffles.
The waffle maker beeped, and he plucked out the finished product with a fork and plated it, sliding it in front of Chelsea.
I started cutting it into bite-size pieces while he grabbed the coffeepot and filled my mug. When he was done, he kissed me on the cheek and went back to the sink.
Nobody batted an eye when I came downstairs. I just folded into the chaos of the morning while the coffee brewed and the kids got ready for school and the dog got let out. And it made me wonder why I hadn’t just done this sooner.
I liked it.
I liked seeing this other side of him—this paternal version that signed permission slips and brushed a little girl’s hair into pigtails and made breakfast in slippers and a hoodie and pajama bottoms.
“Who wants orange juice?” Justin asked. “I do,” Alex said.
Justin opened the fridge. “We’re out. I’ll check the garage.” He turned off his burner and left the kitchen.
Sarah was eyeing me from across the table. “We know you stay the night.”
I froze with my coffee cup halfway to my lips. “What?” “We can hear you guys laughing.”
Alex was nodding, a huge grin on his face.
“We don’t care, you know. He’s happier when you’re here,” she said. “You should stay whenever you want.”
I was still blinking at them when Justin came back in with a carton of Tropicana. He set it on the table and went back to the stove.
“What’s for dinner?” Alex asked, opening the carton and pouring himself a glass.
Justin put the frying pan in the sink. “Uh, I was thinking chicken fried rice maybe? I don’t know. Emma, what do you want?”
I only paused for a second. “I like fried rice,” I said. He turned around to smile at me.
Alex pounded his juice and shoved a forkful of ham into his mouth. “I gotta go to school,” he said, talking around it.
Sarah slung her backpack over her shoulder. “Can you dye my hair again?” she asked me. “Tonight when you come?”
“Sure.”
She smiled and left through the garage for the bus stop. I got up and
started clearing plates.
Only Chelsea was still at the table, eating a piece of waffle and wiggling like she had to go to the bathroom.
“Chels, go potty,” Justin said.
His sister nodded and jumped from her chair and ran down the hall. I set the plates in the sink and as soon as my hands were free he grabbed me and pulled me into an embrace. “Alone, finally,” he said.
I laughed. “For the next five seconds.”
He tipped my chin up to kiss me but I pulled back. “You don’t think we should lay off the PDA in front of the kids?” I whispered.
“I don’t see any kids…” He smiled and leaned in but I stopped him again.
“You kissed me on the cheek earlier,” I said.
He looked amused. “It’s good for them to see that. This is what I got to see when I was growing up.”
“Kissing in the kitchen?”
“A healthy relationship,” he said. “Two people in love.” He bent down and kissed me and I didn’t stop him this time.
It was a casual comment. Not a huge declaration or even something he expected a response to. Just stating a fact.
We’d only ever said we like each other more than like. We’d never said that word.
I’d never said that word.
We’d been tiptoeing around it for weeks. He was still tiptoeing, really. I think he sensed that I wasn’t ready for him to look me in the eye and say I love you, so he slipped it in this way instead.
He was right, I wasn’t ready. Even though I did love him.
How easy it was for him to acknowledge this monumental thing. To say it out loud without fear that the universe would take it from him now that it knew what he needed to live. That’s what the universe always did to me. Took away the people I loved.
He still had his arms around my waist. Chelsea didn’t pay it any attention as she climbed back onto her chair to eat her breakfast.
“Sarah knows I stay the night,” I whispered. “Your brother too.” His eyes went wide. “They do?”
“Yup.”
“Do you think we’ve been too loud?” he whispered. “Yes. They hear us laughing.”
He paused for a moment before cracking up. “Well, you do make me ridiculously happy. I can’t help it.” He rubbed his nose to mine.
Justin’s heart was pressed to my heart.
He gazed into my eyes and I studied his face. The creases when he smiled. His messy hair, the little gold flecks in his irises. Something serious moved across his expression as he held me there, and the most overwhelming feeling came over me.
I felt like I could stay in this moment forever. Like it was timeless because of how absolutely perfect it was. And yet there was nothing perfect about it. Not in the traditional sense. We were in pajamas. We weren’t on a date, standing under the moon. We were next to a sink full of dirty dishes and a crusty waffle iron. There wasn’t music playing or candlelight or rose petals. But it was perfect. I wouldn’t have changed a single thing about it.
He put a hand to my cheek. “Sometimes I feel like the seasons could come and go and come and go, a hundred years could pass, a thousand, the ground could collapse under us, this house could crumble and go back to the earth, and we would still be standing here frozen in time, because every second I’m with you is eternal. I’ve never felt anything like it.”
The air stilled in my lungs. Words taken right out of my own mind and said back to me out loud.
If this isn’t magic, then what is?
He didn’t wait for me to reply. He just leaned down and kissed me again.
