What is it about getting rejected that makes you want them more?” I asked, typing into my charting computer. We were at Royaume at the nurses’ station on the Med Surg floor.
“You’re still talking about this?” Maddy said from the computer next to me. “It’s been over a week. And anyway, he didn’t reject you, he just didn’t kiss you as much as you wanted, which shouldn’t be a big deal since he’s not a lifestyle match and all that.”
She smirked, and I narrowed my eyes at her.
“That must have been some kiss if you keep thinking about it,” she mumbled.
It was.
I’d played it over in my head a thousand times. The turn, the pull into his chest, the split second where his eyes had locked with mine before they dropped to my mouth.
His lips were so soft. I’d liked that he’d smelled like toothpaste and Downy, like he’d just washed the hoodie he’d been wearing. I’d liked how tightly he’d held me to him. How his arms had felt wrapped around me. But mostly I kept thinking about it because the way he’d grabbed me and kissed me felt like he’d been waiting all day for a chance to do it. And the more I thought about it, the more I realized I’d been too.
The kiss was a sure thing. I knew it was coming. But it was one thing to expect something, and something very else to long for it. I’d been longing for his kiss. I’d been hoping he’d kiss me the whole time we were at the mall. Every time we were somewhere that gave us a few seconds alone and out of sight, I’d been wishing he’d lean in.
“You okay?” Maddy asked.
I’d stopped typing and was staring blankly at my screen.
“Yeah. Fine,” I said, picking up on the chart where I left off. “I just think Justin and I have some sexual tension we need to work out.”
“And how you gonna do that?” she asked, giving me a look. I gave her one back. “How do you think?”
“You think he’s gonna be cool with a hookup? I don’t get the sense he’s a one-night-stand kind of guy.”
“All guys are one-night-stand kind of guys,” I said, typing.
She grunted. Then she looked up over my shoulder and wrinkled her forehead. “Is that… Amber?”
I turned in my chair to see my mom walking down the hallway, a brown paper bag in her hand.
“Did you know she was coming?” Maddy asked. I smiled. “No.”
Mom had never visited me at work before. She spotted me and her face lit up. I watched her make her way over.
She looked like a Greek goddess wearing a dark blue maxi dress with gold sandals. Ankle bracelets that jingled while she walked.
“Hey, girls!” she said, setting the bag on the counter. “Hey,” I said brightly. “This is such a nice surprise.”
“Meeting Neil for lunch,” she said, twisting to look around.
I felt myself deflate. “Oh,” I said. “He just went into surgery.” Now her face fell. “Oh. Well, how long does that take?”
“Hours,” Maddy said. “Depends what it is.”
“Huh.” Mom chewed on her bottom lip. “He missed dinner last night, and so I just thought—” She looked around like she might see him.
“That’s really nice of you to bring him lunch,” Maddy said, her tone a little dry.
“Yeah,” Mom said distractedly. She put a thumb over her shoulder. “Hey, when I came in, I told that nurse with the blond hair who I was and she didn’t know me. Neil talks about me at work, right?”
Maddy glanced at me. “I mean, not really.” “He doesn’t really talk to the nurses,” I said. Mom chewed her lip again. “Okay.”
There was a moment of silence.
“Do you want me to give this to him when he’s done?” I asked, nodding at the bag.
She seemed to snap out of it. “Yeah. Yes. I baked him some zucchini bread. There’s a mushroom frittata, a cucumber feta salad—I mean, we’re living together. That’s a little weird, right? That nobody knows he has a girlfriend?”
Maddy and I looked at each other.
“I bet the other doctors know,” I volunteered. “Oh, totally,” Maddy said, nodding.
“I don’t think he gets into his personal life with the nurses,” I said.
“We’re small beans,” Maddy added. “The doctors have their own lounge. There’s not a lot of mingling.”
Mom nodded, but she still looked off.
“Okay. Well, I gotta go,” she said. “See you girls at the house.” We watched her walk out.
Maddy took the bag from the counter and peered into it. “Funny she brought him lunch and didn’t think to make any for you.”
I went back to my keyboard, trying to act like she didn’t just say what I’d been thinking.
Maybe it was unfair to expect more from Mom. I was a twenty-eight- year-old woman, capable of making my own lunch. She didn’t have to do that for me. Maybe she’d only had enough food for Neil. Maybe she didn’t know I’d be here. Yes, she could have texted me to ask, but maybe she thought I’d already packed food and she knew Neil didn’t so she only brought enough for him.
It hurt my feelings anyway.
“She hasn’t spent any time with you since the Lobsterfest, right?” Maddy asked, breaking into my thoughts.
I shook my head. “No. But she’s been trying to get me and Justin to hang out with her and Neil. It just hasn’t worked out yet.”
“She’s inviting you for Neil, just so you know.” I looked at her. “What?”
“It makes her look bad that she ignores you so much. Neil probably mentions it. That’s why the only time she invites you anywhere is when Neil’s gonna be there.”
I stiffened. “No. There was the time she invited me to dinner when he
was at work.”
“So he would come home and see you there. Or because she was bored and lonely. FYI, Amber only ever calls you when it serves Amber,” she said.
“That is not true.”
She cocked her head. “No? Think about all the times in the last ten years she’s reached out to you when it was just for you. She didn’t go to your high school graduation. She didn’t go to your nursing school graduation. She forgets your birthday almost every year.”
“She’s forgetful—”
“That woman spends her life asking people what day and time they were born and she can’t remember your birthday? Come on. A thousand bucks says she remembers Neil’s birthday.”
“Well, this year will be different,” I said matter-of-factly. “She’s here.
I’m sure she’ll do something nice.”
She looked back at her screen. “I hope so.”
“And she couldn’t afford the time off work for my graduations. She asked for pictures—”
“To show people. Because it doesn’t fit the narrative that she’s a loving and doting mother if she doesn’t even have pictures of you to show people while she’s taking credit for your accomplishments.” She looked me in the eye. “We’ve been staying in the cottage for the last three weeks, literally across the way, and how many times has she come to see you there? Had Neil drop her off during one of their many sunset cruises? That would be zero. Everything Amber does is for Amber.”
“Why are you telling me this?” I said, my tone more clipped than I liked.
“Because you have this thing where you always believe the best in people—especially with her. It shouldn’t surprise you that she continues to be disappointing, yet again, but it always does and I’m sick of seeing you get hurt. You need to lower your expectations waaaaaay down. The bar is on the floor and she’ll bring a shovel, every time. The sooner you realize that, the happier you’ll be.”
I looked away from her and stared through the monitor in front of me, my nostrils flaring. I wanted to snap at her. I wanted to tell her to be quiet and to stop making things up.
Only she wasn’t making it up.
Maddy was right. I was an afterthought to my mother.
I don’t even know why it surprised me. I’d been taught this lesson a thousand times. But it wasn’t the slight that hurt. It was the loss of hope.
When I was little, there had been a time I was her whole universe. But the older I got, the less interested she seemed to be in me. She left me for longer and longer, and then eventually she didn’t come back for me at all. But I never stopped waiting. I never stopped wanting to be what Neil clearly was for her. And if I wasn’t now, then I never would be.
I always thought it was a proximity thing. She traveled a lot, she changed jobs all the time, she was busy, she was dealing with whatever Amber dealt with. But now I couldn’t rationalize why nothing was different, even though she was right here.
Maddy would gladly give me her thoughts on this, but I didn’t want them because it would sound too much like I Told You So. And she had. She had told me. I just didn’t want to listen.
I felt myself start to get small, my edges drawing inward.
I could handle disappointment. My life had made me very good at it. But the kind that came from Mom hit me differently. It always had.
My chin started to quiver, and I bit down hard on the inside of my cheek. I could feel the sob welling up inside of me and I desperately, desperately wanted it to stop. I didn’t want Maddy to see me upset. If she did, she’d get protective, and Maddy in protect mode was more than I wanted to deal with.
I turned and pretended to be searching for something in a drawer so she wouldn’t see me fighting to keep it together. Then Maddy made a surprised little gasp from next to me. “Hey, Justin!”
I whipped around. Justin was there holding Chelsea and smiling at me over the counter.
“Hey,” I said, blinking at him. “What are you doing here?”
He lifted a bag onto the counter with his free hand. “I made you lunch. Wanted to surprise you,” he said, shifting his sister on his hip. “I know you said you never know when you’re getting your breaks, so I figured I’d just drop it off. I made one for you too, Maddy. Vegetarian. You don’t eat meat, right?”
I felt my face go soft, and the lump in my throat instantly vanished.
“Thank you…” I breathed.
Chelsea started to wiggle to get down. “Emma! Maddy!”
I smiled and came around the counter and picked her up. She hugged my neck and I grinned. Her pigtails were crooked.
Justin saw me looking at them. “I’m still learning how to do it,” he said. “It’s cute.”
Justin and I stood there, smiling at each other. It was so good to see him.
I don’t think I realized how much I wanted to until he was in front of me.
On days that I worked, we didn’t get to talk much. We mostly texted and sent each other memes and songs we wanted each other to listen to. I was in a Justin deficit, and I hadn’t even realized it until just now.
“What are you doing today?” I asked.
“Just errands,” he said. “About to drop her off at preschool. I sent you a survey for our date tomorrow.”
“I haven’t had a chance to check my email.”
“Date number three,” he said, his dimples popping. “Date number three.”
We held each other’s eyes for a long moment.
He nodded over his shoulder. “I should probably let you get back to work. I have to go pick up Alex and take him to a doctor’s appointment.” He paused. “Am I allowed to hug you goodbye, or…?”
“Yes! Absolutely.” I handed Chelsea to Maddy, who was waiting her turn to hold her, and I closed the space between us and hugged him.
The way he folded around me made me think maybe he was in a deficit too. The hug was a warm factory reset. I didn’t want out of it. It was the weirdest feeling, like I wanted to leave with him, just walk right out of my job and go. Those cartoons where the character smells something delicious and it puts them in a trance and they float after the scent in a daze.
“I’ll see you tomorrow,” he said in my ear. He kissed my cheek and let me go.
I was still floating.
He smiled at me another few seconds. Then he took his sister from Maddy and left the way he came.
“Dios mío, he’s cute,” Hector said, coming up to lean on the counter, watching Justin walk out.
“Yeah,” I said absently, watching the double doors close behind him.
“He is.”
Maddy grabbed the bag Justin had left and started unpacking it. “Let’s see what we got here. Some mixed fruit, strawberries and cantaloupe, green grapes, egg salad sandwiches on sourdough. Look, he put dried cranberries and red onions in the sandwich, you’re going to love that. Granola bars, Wheat Thins, we’ve got some celery sticks, cherry tomatoes, snap peas, and a side of ranch, there’s a mandarin orange for each of us, Capri Suns— brownies. He baked brownies.” She looked up at me. “You’re right. You should bone him.”
I snorted and Hector looked at me like I had two heads. “You’re not boning him yet? You better get on it.”
Yeah. I should.
 |
When I got home from work that night, all I wanted to do was talk to Justin. I got into my pajamas and texted him. He told me to give him thirty minutes to get Chelsea in bed. I’d just gotten under the covers when he called.
“Hey,” I said, picking up. “Hey.”
I smiled into the darkness of my room. I’d missed the tenor of his voice. “What are you doing?” I asked.
“Lying in bed. Finally.” “Long day?”
He blew a breath into the phone. “It’s been a long week in a very long couple of months.”
I shifted down into my blankets. “Tell me.” “Eh, you don’t want to hear it.”
“I do. Tell me,” I said again.
He sighed. “The kids start school in three weeks. I’m just a little overwhelmed.”
My face fell. “Oh. Do you want to cancel our date? If you need the time
—”
“Nooooo. No, no, no. I definitely do not want to cancel our date.”
The corners of my lips quirked up. “So what’s going on?” I asked. “Why
are you overwhelmed?”
I heard him stretch. “You really want to hear this? It’s going to be an info dump.”
“Dump away.”
He puffed air from his cheeks. “It’s like death by a thousand cuts,” he said. “Yesterday Alex comes to tell me that I need to refill his ADHD medication. The pharmacy won’t do it without a new prescription, so I call the doctor and the doctor won’t do it without a physical. The doctor only sees patients Monday through Friday, so I have to take a half day off work to take him. We get there, and they check his eyesight as part of the exam. He needs reading glasses. So then I’m at LensCrafters getting him glasses for three hundred dollars. He still needs behind-the-wheel hours, so he’s the one driving us to each of these things, so I’m stressed the whole time because he’s still not very good at it. By the time we’re done, I’ve lost most of my workday and spent three hundred dollars plus a copay, and I still haven’t done the one thing I set out to do—refill his prescription—which I still need to go pick up. It’s like one task just bleeds into the next and I’m never done.”
“Yikes…”
“I would have to quit my job just to read the amount of emails these kids’ schools send. I had to sign Alex up for soccer, Sarah up for dance, I need to load their lunch accounts, prepay for their school photos, take everyone back-to-school shopping. I had to put Chelsea into preschool early so I can work. I thought I could juggle it with her here, but I can’t. She needs too much attention and I can’t give it to her, and Alex and Sarah aren’t much of a help.” I pictured him rubbing his eyebrow. “She cried all three days that I dropped her off. She has friends there and she knows the teachers, but she’s been clingy lately and crying at night for Mom. I felt like shit leaving her there, but I’ve already taken as much PTO as I can.”
“She’s probably just got some separation anxiety with everything going on,” I said. “It’ll pass.”
“That’s what her teacher said. It just sucks. I feel bad.” “How’s the new house?” I asked.
He scoffed. “A mess. I don’t know if it’s just because they’re home right now? But there’s snack wrappers and socks all over the place. I couldn’t find any forks, so I went looking and found half the dishes in Alex’s room.
They leave all the lights on and they throw their crap everywhere. I’m doing two loads of laundry a day. And I’m starting to get why Mom hoarded napkins. I mean, I make good money, but stretching it over three extra people? I’m going to have to start making adjustments. I’d planned to just order takeout if I needed to, but now I’m thinking I can’t afford the extra expense. I’ve been making dinner every night and Sarah won’t eat anything I cook. She’s pickier than Chelsea. She won’t even try it.”
“I’d eat your dinners.”
“Come over,” he said without skipping a beat. “It’s ten o’clock at night,” I said.
“I don’t care. I want to see you.” The butterflies flittered up.
“How did your room turn out?” I asked, changing the subject.
“Good,” he said tiredly. “Great. I’m actually impressed with Brad’s interior design skills.”
“Do you have any pictures?”
“Nah, I want you to come see it in person.” He paused. “I miss you. I want to see you,” he said again.
The breath in my lungs stilled.
He was tired and stressed. It was probably making him a little more direct and edgier than usual. But there was something so primal and matter- of-fact about the way he said he wanted to see me. Like seeing me was a need. The way someone says they need to eat or sleep.
“I can’t,” I said. “I can’t ask Maddy to boat me to shore this late.” “What if…” He stopped. “Never mind.”
“What?”
“No, it’s too much,” he said. “No, tell me.”
“I was just going to say, what if you took the boat yourself so she doesn’t have to drive you? Come over and just go back in the morning.”
I smiled. “You’re inviting me to a sleepover? You’re going to see me tomorrow anyway for our next date.”
“Too long.”
I didn’t reply. Because I actually agreed.
“Come over,” he said again into the silence. “Please.” I didn’t reply.
Then the phone beeped to let me know he was video calling me. My heart started racing.
I accepted the call with my own camera on.
He was lying in bed. The room was dim. His hair was messy and he had a gray T-shirt on.
“Hey,” he said. “Hey,” I said, softly.
We sat there, looking at each other. I drank him in. I don’t know how he pulled it off, but he was somehow completely cuddly looking and adorable but sexy at the same time.
I looked at his lips and my mind flickered to the kiss. The kiss…
The kiss I couldn’t stop thinking about. Maybe he couldn’t stop thinking about it either. Maybe that’s why he wanted me to come over so bad…
I examined the curve of his collarbone, the hollow at the base of his neck. His brown eyes studied me back and he seemed a little vulnerable lying there, like this last week had taken something from him. And how could it not? He’d lost his mom, and the reality of his new life was hitting him. I knew what it was like to be thrust from one living situation to the next. It’s jarring and disruptive—and he didn’t have to do it. He could have done the easy thing for him by letting them go with Leigh. She loved them and would have been a great foster mom. It was a good option—but it wasn’t the best option. He was. So he’d sacrificed his way of life, and I deeply respected him for it—even more now that I saw how hard it was in practice.
“I know I told you this,” I said, “but I do think you did the right thing taking them.”
He breathed out. “Yeah.”
We peered at each other through the screen. “What would we do if I came over?” I asked.
“Nothing you don’t want to do. We could just cuddle.”
I smiled. “Cuddle, huh? Every man who’s trying to get a woman to come over says he just wants to cuddle.”
He looked amused. “Okay. And what if I don’t want to just cuddle?
Would you blame me?”
I pretended to think about it. “Hmmmm… no.”
He laughed quietly. “Seriously, we can just go to sleep,” he said. “I’d be happy just to have you here. Be able to talk to you in person. Also I like the way your hair smells.”
“I like the way you smell too,” I admitted. He smiled at this.
I pictured what would really happen if I went over there.
He’d sneak me upstairs through his dark house to his room, tiptoeing so we wouldn’t wake the kids. I’d climb into his bed while he stripped down to his underwear to go to sleep. He’d get in next to me and hug me to that broad chest.
There’s no way either of us would sleep.
At some point he’d kiss me, or I’d kiss him. I’d take my shirt off. Maybe I’d slide a hand into the top of his waistband to see if he was hard. He would be. His hands would slide too. Down between my legs, fingers searching. He’d pull my pants down—
I had to shake myself out of it. Going over there was not within the realm of practical things today. But God I really wanted to.
I really, really wanted to.
And the weird thing was, I didn’t want to go over there for the same reason I usually met a man late at night. I mean yes, I wanted that too. But I wanted to see him. Talk to him. Just be around him, even if all we did was sleep.
I had never felt like that before.
Something about it scared me. Gave me the urge to pull back, like a hand jerking away from a hot stove. Something told me I should think more on that. Try to figure out why liking him made me nervous, made me feel like something was wrong. Maybe because I knew liking him was pointless? But for now I put it in the same place I put Mom. I’d think about it later.
I cleared my throat. “Where’s the dog?” I asked, changing the subject.
He sat up and reached for something off-screen. Then Brad’s frown took up the camera.
I grinned. “Hi, Brad.”
The dog scowled into the phone.
Justin set him back off to the side and stayed propped against the headboard. “Did you eat your lunch?”
“Yes, it was amazing. Huge, but amazing.”
“You work twelve hours. I wanted to make sure you had enough snacks so you don’t get crabby.”
“Ha. The Go-Gurt was a nice touch.”
“I’ll send you a lunch survey next time so you can pick your sides.” He put a muscular arm behind his head and smiled into the camera. “I want to be clear on your lunch expectations.”
“I like clear expectations,” I said, distractedly, also liking the view. “Are mine clear?” he asked. “That I want you to come over?”
I laughed. “Yes, you’ve been very clear about that.”
“Good.” He paused. “You are the only thing in my life making me happy right now. And I’m not the least bit afraid to tell you that.”
I gazed at him through the phone.
“You know what?” I said. “I will go over there.” His face broke into a grin. “Tonight?”
I was already getting up. “Yeah. I’ll have to be back in the morning, but
—” Thunder cracked overhead and I froze.
“Was that thunder?” he asked. But before I could answer, another rumbling shook the house and the rain started.
I opened the curtain to my window and looked out. “Ugh. It’s pouring.” The lake would be choppy and dark, docking would be a nightmare to do alone. “I can’t take the boat in this.” I was instantly disappointed. God, I hated this island.
“It’s okay,” he said. “It would have been nice, but…” “But what?” I flopped back onto the bed.
“Well, the bed’s a little crowded anyway.” He panned over, and Chelsea was sleeping next to him on top of his comforter, curled up in her Frozen blanket. I laughed and he brought the camera back to him.
“Just know that I wish you were here,” he said. I smiled. “I wish I were there too.”
