Adela wasn’t even gone when Noelle looked over to Ducot with a wounded expression. Her hands were balled into fists, quivering.
Though Eira suspected it was no longer just from fear or cold…now it was also hurt and rage.
Even though he couldn’t see the details of her expression, Ducot must’ve sensed a shift in her. Or he was simply savvy enough to understand how it all played out. The betrayal Noelle was no doubt feeling in that moment.
Ducot stepped forward and said gently, “I can show you to your new quarters.”
“Don’t touch me.” Noelle jerked from his touch as he tried to place his hand on the small of her back, down by her hip.
“Noelle—”
“You didn’t even try to defend me, or back me up.”
“She is my captain and this is her ship; I have to do as she wishes.” Ducot’s voice dropped slightly. “And she is like a mother to me. I knew she wasn’t going to hurt you.”
“That’s not what she just said,” Noelle hissed back, gesturing at Adela’s back.
Eira had no doubt the pirate queen could still hear everything. And, even if she couldn’t, half her crew was still lingering, watching with keen interest. No doubt eager to report back. Not that Noelle seemed to care. She had never really been one too concerned with privacy regarding personal matters.
“If she wanted to hurt you, she would’ve by now.” Ducot tried to grab her hand.
Noelle was still having none of it. “Fen”—she picked him out from among the group—“can you please show us where the hammocks are?”
Fen made a noise of hesitation but finally said, “Sure, I can do that.”
“What’re you lot still lollygaggin for?” Pine had stepped away with others on Adela’s orders but had now returned, stopping as he was crossing the deck. “You heard the captain’s orders. Go.”
The pirates scattered. The decks were a sudden burst of energy. Rigging clattered. Coordination and commands were shouted.
Eira stepped next to Ducot as they followed Fen toward the bow of the ship. The rest of them were moving as well. But he continued to stand still, shoulders sagging. She rested her hand lightly on the middle of his back and he jumped.
“She’ll come around,” Eira said softly. “She can be like this.”
“I know she can.” Ducot sighed. Eira could feel the pulses of his magic underneath her palm. They stretched out, seemingly reaching for the woman walking away from him, placing tension between Eira’s ribs. “But I wish she would trust me more.”
“She does—”
“If she did, truly, she wouldn’t keep doubting me. She’d believe I’m able to keep her safe.” His tone wasn’t angry. Merely hurt.
Eira could see both sides of the equation. Distance gave her some clarity. She could see how Ducot was caught between the only family he’d ever known, including the captain he’d sworn fealty to…and the woman he was falling in love with. She could understand Noelle, all too well, and the wish that his love would be enough for him to rally against it all and stand up for her no matter what. Eira’s gaze shifted, briefly landing on Cullen’s back. She swallowed thickly.
“It’s not that she doubts you, it’s just…” Eira trailed off, searching for words.
Ducot wasn’t going to wait for her to find them. “It doesn’t matter what she says. Her actions are of doubt and mistrust.” Ducot shifted the heavy- looking bag he carried on his shoulder. “Either way, we shouldn’t dally. Let’s get you belowdecks.”
As they headed for the companionway at the bow of the vessel, a dull throb of magic had Eira skipping a step. She spun, looking for the source.
But her gaze followed the direction the magic went—skyward.
A hole cleaved into the clouds, pushing them away. The sky parted, a curtain of rain dragging over the boat and away. Eira blinked at the starry heavens above them. Another pulse of magic drew her to the nearby railing. The seas were churning beneath them as the heavy clanking of the anchor chain filled the air. A small whorl opened beneath the boat they had left Ofok on, sucking it under the dark waves as it crumpled.
“The boat…”
“Adela can always get another boat,” Ducot explained. “It’s more dangerous for her to have things that could tie her back to this place and time.”
“I see.” Get another boat. The words stuck in Eira’s mind. Even though everything was in flux, she was constantly thinking on what might be next for her and her friends.
Lavette and Varren needed to get back to the Republic of Qwint. She had to go back to Meru…hopefully with the means to end Ulvarth once and for all. Ideas had been forming in the back of Eira’s mind during her time with Adela—theories for how she might be able to use her magic to end him if she could get back to him. Alyss, Noelle, and Cullen could choose their next moves for themselves and Eira could have the means to fulfill those wishes.
A short stair led to a salon that extended just below the main deck and back into hammocks suspended between the deck’s supports. Before them, at the bow, was a galley and tables. At the very back was the head. The stairs looped down again to what Eira suspected was the gun deck, based on the anatomy of the ship that had been visible from the outside.
She wondered how many more decks there were and what they held. Some kind of jail, from what others had said. A hold of treasures, no doubt. One Eira would be keen to explore if she had the chance to sneak away.
“The open hammocks are back there.” Ducot pointed. “I have some duties to attend to.” He was gone before Eira could say anything else, heading back up the stairs promptly.
Eira briefly debated going back to her friends. They were engaged in a conversation with Fen and Krut, no doubt going over the rules. Olivin’s eyes drifted in her direction and Eira gave a small nod. She stepped back for the stairs; he went to move and she shook her head. He stayed.
No one stopped her as she went back up on deck. The anchor had been hoisted, sails filling with wind given by sorcerers perched on the aft quarterdeck. The crew had people of all shapes and sizes. There were draconi working alongside elfin. Morphi shifted knots into ropes that humans fastened into place. Some were short and stout, others tall and lithe. Old and young. Eyes and limbs missing. Those magical and those not.
The Treaty of Five Kingdoms had been arranged to bring people together to work toward a common goal and it had been hailed as novel. Nothing of its like had ever been done before, was what they’d said. And perhaps it was true. Bringing five nations together was different than bringing a ragtag bunch of misfits into order…but Adela had somehow found something that the nobles and royals and leaders hadn’t; she’d found a glue that had turned those people into a crew that the treaty hadn’t come close to touching.
Eira walked straight back to a stately doorway that Crow was leaving from.
“Shouldn’t you be belowdecks?” Crow asked curtly. “I came to see Her Frostiness.”
“Adela isn’t taking guests.” No sooner had Crow said as much than the door cracked open with a pulse of familiar magic. Adela was using the frost that covered the ship to have control of it—every part. She could no doubt feel where her crew was stepping.
So it came as no surprise when she called from inside, “Let her in.”
It looked as though it took every scrap of Crow’s self-control not to object. Her face flushed faintly purple with frustration. But she stepped aside, allowing Eira to pass. Crow closed the door behind her.
The cabin was a much larger and much, much more lavish version of what had been on the boat. The windows in the back were three times as tall as Eira. Bookcases lined one side with a long dining table positioned in front of them. Though, judging from the navigational tools and maps strewn about, it saw more use as a desk than for food. Two chairs were positioned back by the windows—currently black as pitch in the night.
To her right was a large bed, and that was where Adela lay. Underneath her thin blanket, her coat removed, nestled in a wall of pillows, Adela looked very little like the pirate queen and much more like a very tired woman.
“Speak.” Her voice was as sharp as ever.
“Your magic is faltering, isn’t it?” “Bold as ever, I see.”
“Not even trying to deny it is telling.” Eira dared to approach, coming to a stop at the foot of Adela’s bed. “I wonder if you’re not because you know I can sense the flow of magic again.”
“And what if you’re right? Come to gloat?”
“I don’t think you would’ve let me in if you thought that was the reason I came. I doubt you would’ve let me keep breathing, if that’s what you thought my feelings toward you were.”
Adela sighed softly and settled back into her pillows a little bit more. She was a stubborn, proud woman. Not that Eira could fault her. Her entire life had been one of power and terror. Of fearsome might and impossible feats.
“I think I can help you.” Eira had been expecting to fight Adela on the notion.
So she was surprised when Adela motioned to the foot of the bed with an open palm. “That much is obvious. Why do you think I’ve kept you alive for so long?”
“Because I thought that perhaps you were lying to me when you said I wasn’t your daughter.” Eira sat slowly at the edge of the bed. She didn’t want to be standing for this. Her words were as weak as her knees. As weak as the fragile hope she’d been harboring despite all odds.
“Do I seem like a woman who would do that?” Adela arched her brows. “Possibly. You’re good at lying.”
Adela snorted.
Eira continued. “You don’t seem like a woman who would let someone see her in such a vulnerable state if not for a good reason.”
“Is preserving my magic not a good enough reason?” Adela countered. Eira still wasn’t hearing a no and it made her heart flutter. This was it…the moment where it all came together, or shattered.
“You could command me to help you and not allow me to see you exhausted in bed.”
“My exhaustion comes from magical feats you couldn’t fathom. There is hardly shame in it.”
Eira agreed in principle, but Adela still seemed too proud for this to not bother her. She also still had yet to shoot Eira’s theories of her parentage down a second time and that only made her heart race even faster. So fast
that she couldn’t handle it any longer. Perhaps it was the recent mention of her uncle, or just the desperation of the day, but if she didn’t ask—didn’t know beyond all doubt—she might snap in two. Or her heart would stop altogether.
“Is it because you are actually my mother? Did you push me away to test me—or to save me from the risks that would come with being your daughter? Is our magic similar enough for you to try to draw it out because we are kin?” Every word felt as though it was made of parchment-thin glass. Each required care to say.
Adela closed her eyes and exhaled heavily. When she opened them again, Eira knew the answer before the pirate queen spoke. “I told you quite clearly when we first met: you are not my daughter. I have no children. I have not lied or deceived you on that. It is the whole truth.”
That was it. Hope broke with a sigh. Not a crash. Not with Eira’s heart seizing and failing to start again. The end of her optimism was quiet, in a dark night as the ship finally began to move forward.
Eira stared out the back windows. Once more, she was adrift in dark water with no clear heading. She didn’t know what was going to come next, nor the full scope of the consequences of everything she was leaving behind.
“Who are my blood parents, then?” The words were those of a lost girl falling into the chasm her parents had opened with their revelation. Eira balled her hand into a fist and it shook slightly.
“Does it matter?” Adela had an air of nonchalance.
“That’s easy for you to say.” Eira’s attention turned inward once more with a flare of anger. “You probably know—”
“Who my parents are?” Adela arched her brows. “Child, do I seem like someone who would know who my parents are?”
“I just, assumed…” Who their parents were was just something most people knew. Something Eira had thought she’d known and taken for granted.
“I have a guess at who my father is, given that there were never many elfin hiding in Solaris at any point.” Adela smiled thinly. “The Court of Shadows is to blame for my existence—a truth I’m sure they’d love to know—since to the best of my research it was one of their spies sent to keep an eye on the Crystal Caverns who unknowingly sired me.”
“Why, then, is our magic so similar?” Eira knew she was grasping at straws. But she couldn’t stop herself.
Adela shrugged. “Perhaps because we are both from Oparium and there is something in the water? Perhaps we’re some distant relation without knowing it—as I never bothered to find out who my mother might be.”
“But I was left with your mark on my parents’ doorstep.”
“I thought you didn’t know who your parents were?” Adela hummed. “I don’t know my blood parents. But the people who raised me…”
“It sounds as if, to me, you have been searching for something that you had all along.”
Eira grabbed her upper stomach, balling a fist into her clothes. “My parents did the best they could, yes. There were good times, and bad, as I’m sure any family has…” Eira trailed off, thinking of all the conflicting feelings she still held toward them. Feelings that couldn’t be glossed over by the worry of their fates alone. “But from the moment they told me the truth, I’ve felt like something is missing. Like there’s this vast hole in me, filled with nothing but unknowns and questions.”
“That sounds like a problem you will have to fix for yourself. No person
—blood parent or otherwise—could do it for you.” “But if I knew—”
“If you knew, you would still have to come to terms with the unorthodox circumstances of your birth. You would have a face to the person who willingly gave you up. ‘Good’ reason or no, that explanation is not simple to hear,” Adela interjected harshly. Eira stood a little straighter, her grip slackening at the tone. “You are looking for someone else to end a war with yourself. No parents, blood or otherwise, could give you peace. That is something you must find for yourself.”
Eira knew it was true. The pit had taught her as much. Why hadn’t she thought that the same lesson she learned following Marcus’s death and the peace she found there would apply to this as well? To all things that gave her turmoil?
“But my magic…surely my parents must be someone important… maybe they want to find me,” she murmured. All the hidden thoughts she’d been clutching on to, secretly holding with her hope, were now slipping through her slackening fingers.
“Why must they be someone important? Exceptional people are born into unexceptional circumstances every day.” Adela shifted, sitting
straighter, even though it looked like it cost her much effort. She leaned forward, meeting Eira’s eyes. “Perhaps that is the one way you and I are alike—that is the kinship we share. Not one of blood, but one of trial and triumph. That we are the extraordinary ones in a sea of ordinary.”
Eira stared into Adela’s eyes. Now that she was letting go of the hope that they were, somehow, secretly related, she could see the differences. Adela’s eyes were slightly more narrow. They had a darker ring of blue around their outer edge. Her chin was a more squared shape than Eira’s…
Her chest tightened. Eira had to break the stare, standing. “I should go.
I’m sorry to bother you with this. It won’t happen again.”
“I hope it doesn’t.” Adela lay onto the pillows once more, settling the blanket around her. “If not for my sake, then for yours. You are only holding yourself back by trying to find someone else’s shoes to fill. Who cares what name you were born to? Make your own.”
“Why are you being so nice to me?” Eira couldn’t help but ask. “You’re not my mother…so why?”
“Perhaps it is because I see myself in you, girl. Or perhaps I merely need this skill of yours to open my channel wider so I can continue terrorizing the seas with my full might for at least a couple more decades.” Adela grinned slightly. It brought a similar expression to Eira’s lips. “Take the night and come to me in the morning. I’ll let you and your friends live another day; you’ve earned it.”
“How gracious,” Eira muttered.
Adela heard and snorted softly. “Tomorrow we can figure out what we will do with you. With any luck, you will continue keeping your heads attached to your shoulders.”
Eira nodded and drifted out of the cabin and back onto the main deck. Now that the ship was underway, it was quieter. The crew that was on deck moved leisurely, or perched themselves on crates, or the bold sat on the railings themselves. The sorcerers that had helped give wind and currents to get the ship moving were gone. It seemed, for now, the winds were on their side and they could be propelled by nature instead of magic.
She wandered up to the front quarterdeck, rather than heading back down to the crew’s quarters. Her mind was too heavy to sleep. The hammock would collapse if she tried to lie on it now.
It seemed she wasn’t the only one to have the idea.
Cullen leaned against the railing at the very front of the ship, looking as stoic as a figurehead. The wind pushed his hair down and away from his face as he stared out into the great unknown. She allowed herself to surrender to the moment. To admire him, feeling the breezes that, even now, seemed to connect them both.
“Do you remember the last time we were like this?” Eira said softly, trying not to startle him and failing. Cullen whipped around but instantly relaxed as his eyes landed on her. He leaned back against the railing but just with his right side, allowing her space at his left at the narrow point the bow made. “Risen was just out there.” Eira pointed ahead, imagining the glittering city of Meru.
“And you wanted nothing to do with me.”
“I wanted everything to do with you,” she countered. “And that made a difficult time harder.”
“Sorry for that.” He seemed sincere in his apology and that only made Eira smile.
“It was hardly your fault, that time at least. Though we’ve both done things we shouldn’t.”
“Or could’ve handled things better,” he added. She nodded. A brief moment of comfortable silence passed between them. “You spoke with Adela?”
“Good guess.”
“Not quite a guess. I ran into Crow when I came after you. She made it clear that under no circumstances would I be welcome in Adela’s cabin.”
“That sounds like Crow.” Eira looked back to the water, the conversation with Adela still a fresh wound in her mind.
“Given the fact that you were welcome…were your suspicions correct?
Was she lying to you to protect you?”
Eira shook her head slowly, still avoiding his eyes. “No. I’m not her daughter. If I’m related at all—which is probably unlikely—it would be some kind of distant cousin or niece through some branch of an unknown family tree I don’t think I’ll ever see.”
“I’m sorry.” Cullen rested both of his elbows on the railing next to her, staring out. Their shoulders were flush against each other and it was a relief to have him there in that moment. She had thought she’d wanted to be alone. But having a friend—or whatever Cullen was at this point—was a relief.
Even when the world pulled her to its vast reaches. Even when her heart was descending into a chasm of her own making. Her friends were still there. They’d never left her side.
The oceans they’d crossed together were thicker than the blood of any family Eira would ever know.
“It’s all right.”
“Is it?” He glanced her way.
She couldn’t blame him for his skeptical expression. Eira shrugged. “It has to be, doesn’t it?”
“You’re allowed to not be okay.”
“I know. But…” Eira sighed. “I feel like I am, but I also know I’m not. I think part of me knew this was coming. Another part of me didn’t want to admit it. I think I’m in a place where I can accept it. But I also don’t want to.” She laughed softly. “I know the right thing to do is be at peace with it and keep moving. Accept it with grace. But…if I’m being honest, there’s a part of me that still wants to shout and scream. That feels as though it is—I am—one cosmic joke.”
“You’re not.”
Eira nodded. “The logical part of me knows that. I’ll keep myself together. It’s just a moment where it would be so much easier to act like a child about all this.”
“I can understand that.” Cullen laced and unlaced his fingers. The nervous fidgeting almost had her reaching over to place her hand on his to reassure him. The urge was hard to resist. “My whole life has been learning how to suppress my emotions, despite whatever I want, whatever instinct tells me… You know, I was always so jealous of you.”
“Of me?” Eira straightened slightly.
“You never seemed to care about what others thought of you in the Tower. Even after what happened, you kept walking with your head held high.”
“I cared deeply. I just didn’t let it show.”
“I know that now.” He gave her a small smile. “But, even if it was a facade, that woman was still you. The one who could act as though the world didn’t matter. Maybe you need to summon her again, pretend until it becomes real.”
The wind teased her hair. “No, I’m done going backward; I won’t revert to how I was. I might not know where I’m heading yet. But, for better or
worse, I want to keep moving forward. I know who I was yesterday, who I am today, and I’m ready to meet the woman I will be tomorrow.”
