That night , lying in bed long after the party had ended and the guests had left, I thought about what Ava said to me: Riley
is stuck here, so to speak, because of me. For my part, I admit that my sister has moved on, and that if she comes to me
to visit is because she wants to. After all, I didn’t
never asked to disembark whenever he wants, it’s his choice
to her. And when she’s not here with me, well, I guess she must be having fun in heaven. I have no doubt that Ava is trying to help me,
a bit like an experienced big sister, but she doesn’t seem to understand that I don’t want her help. Of course I would like to go back to normal, like before, but I know that is the price to pay. I acquired this horrible gift for causing so much harm and destroying all these lives. All I have to do now is get used to it while trying not to harm anyone again.
I eventually fall asleep and dream of Damen. It’s so strong, so
intense that I feel like it’s real. The next morning, when you wake up, all that remains are fleeting and fragmentary images that no longer mean anything. In any case, I clearly remember that at one point Damen and I were running to the bottom of a canyon
icy and windy, towards something I couldn’t see. Perched on the edge of my bed, dressed in the Zorro costume that Eric
wore to the party the day before, my sister cracks the black leather whip on the floor.
What’s wrong ? Why are you grumpy like that? — It’s over, Halloween, you know?
She grimaces and continues to attack the carpet.
No kidding ? So what ? I like this costume. Hey, I think I’m going to dress up every day.
I lean toward the mirror to fix my tiny diamond earrings and pull my hair into a ponytail.
Riley wrinkles her nose in disgust. She drops her whip, grabs my iPod and starts scrolling through my songs.
I don’t understand why you insist on getting dressed
like that. I thought you had a boyfriend, right? And during
celebration ? By the swimming pool ? Did I dream or was it just a casual flirtation?
I blushed from ear to ear. I wonder what exactly she saw.
What do you know about “one-night stand flirtations?” You’re only twelve years old, let me tell you! And first of all, I forbid you from spying on me.
She rolls her eyes.
Oh, stop! As if I was going to waste my time spying on you, when there are plenty of more interesting things to see!
Well, since you insist, I happened to go out onto the terrace just as you were shoveling Damen, that’s it. And believe it or
no, I would have preferred to see nothing at all.
I open my drawers and take out my anger on my sweatshirts.
Sorry to disappoint you, but he can’t really be considered my boyfriend. I haven’t even spoken to him since.
I feel my stomach doing a loop. I grab a sweatshirt-
gray shirt and puts it on angrily, destroying my ponytail in the process.
I can spy on him for you, if you want, she offers with a delighted smile.
Part of me would love to take her at her word, but the other
knows that I must turn the page, mourn this story and forget it for good.
Thanks, but I’d rather you stay out of it, okay?
I’d like to be a normal high school girl for a change, if that doesn’t bother you.
She throws me my iPod:
It’s up to you. By the way, Brandon is single again, if you’re interested.
I grab a stack of books and stuff them into my backpack, surprised that this information doesn’t shock me.
Eh yes ! Rachel dumped him on Halloween night when she caught him kissing a playmate. Well, she wasn’t really a playmate, she was Heather Watson.
I’m trying to imagine it, but it’s mission impossible.
Heather Watson? Seriously ? You’re kidding ?
Scout word. You must see it to believe it. She lost ten pounds, ditched her braces, and had her hair straightened. She is transformed. Not just physically. It’s become a real phew, with a “p” in front, if you know what I mean,
she concludes, lowering her tone before returning to whipping the ground, while I try to digest this news.
It’s not good to spy on people, you know. You should not.
Basically, it’s better that she spies on my old friends instead
than me. I hoist my bag onto my shoulder and prepare to leave the room.
And it’s also very rude, have you thought about that?
Don’t be ridiculous, Riley quips. I think it’s pretty cool to stay up to date with what’s going on there.
Okay, are you coming?
I’m coming ! And I’m going up front!
With that, she leaps onto the railing and slides down, her cape flowing behind her.
When I pull up to Miles’s house, he’s waiting for me outside his door, tapping his phone fast with two fingers.
Just… a… little… second… There you go!
He sits in the passenger seat and leans towards me.
And now tell me everything. From beginning to end. I want
know the juicy details, and no censorship, please!
But what are you talking about?
I reverse out of his driveway and turn onto the street, glancing at Riley as I pass. Sitting on Miles’ lap, she enjoys blowing in his face and bursts out laughing when he struggles to adjust the ventilation.
He looks at me incredulously.
Land, a little! I’m talking to you about Damen! It seems that you
spent the evening cooing in the moonlight, smooching by the pool, making out under the starry sky…
What is your point ?
I know very well where he is going with this, but I hope to save time.
No need to deny it, Haven told me everything. I wanted to call you yesterday, but my dad confiscated my phone and dragged me to the baseball field to watch me throw like a girl. If you had seen me! It was total rubbish! The horror ! That will teach him. But enough about me. I want you to tell me the whole story, he repeats with a touch of impatience. Was it as fantastic as we imagined?
I shrug my shoulders and make Riley understand that she better stop this little game right now if she wants to stay with us.
Sorry to disappoint you, but there’s nothing to talk about.
Not according to Haven. She told me that…
I know what Haven told him and don’t want to hear him repeat it. I guess he raises his eyebrows with a little knowing smile. I stammer like a beginner liar, my cheeks on fire, my palms sweaty, my eyes shifty, hoping that he doesn’t
will notice nothing. In fact, I’ve replayed the kissing scene so many times in my head that it’s literally tattooed into my memory.
Okay, he kissed me. Just once. Maybe two, I don’t know, I didn’t have fun counting.
But Miles wants more.
And then ?
I’m relieved to see that Riley is gone.
And then nothing.
Miles looks outraged and worried, both for me and for the future of our little group.
What ? Didn’t he call you? No text, no email, nothing? He didn’t even come see you?
I shake my head, eyes fixed on the road. I blame myself for letting the conversation deviate, and I’m furious because my throat is tight and my eyes sting.
Miles seems determined to find a glimmer of hope in the bottomless darkness of this painting.
But what did he tell you? Before leaving ? What were his last words?
I turn at a fire remembering our curious goodbyes. I swallowed with difficulty.
He told me “in memory”.
As I say it out loud, I begin to understand that this is a really bad sign.
We only keep memories of the places we leave. Miles’ eyes express what his lips refuse to express. I conclude :
As you say.
And I enter the school parking lot.
I am determined not to think about Damen anymore, but I admit my disappointment in not seeing him in literature class. So, obviously, I think about him even more, to the point where it borders on obsession.
I feel like I shared something more than just one
simple kiss, but him? It’s not because, for me, it was
a true, authentic and absolutely unique experience that was the same for him. No matter how hard I try, I can’t erase the image of Drina next to him, an exquisite replica of the
couple Fersen/Marie-Antoinette. With me on the sidelines, in my
rental dress and with my kitsch earrings, a pale imitation, indeed!
I’m about to turn on my iPod when Damen and Stacia walk in, shoulder to shoulder, laughing. Stacia holds two white roses in her hand.
When he leaves her and walks towards me, I pretend to be absorbed in my notes so as not to see him.
He settles in as if nothing had happened. As if he hadn’t committed a hit-and-run after talking to me less than forty-eight hours earlier.
Hi !
Hand on my cheek, I yawn conspicuously, looking jaded, exhausted, exhausted by activities he has no idea about. I even scribble small drawings in the corner of my notebook, but my hand shakes so hard that my pen slips from my fingers and
rolls on the ground.
I bend down to pick it up and, standing up, I discover a red tulip on my table.
Here then ? Are you running out of roses, by any chance? I said, putting away books and notebooks to give myself composure.
I will never give you a rose, Damen retorts.
His eyes seek mine, but I turn my head away, I refuse
to let myself be fooled by his sadistic little game. I grab my bag as if to look for something, and curse under my breath when I realize it’s overflowing with tulips.
You are a tulip girl – red.
What luck ! I said.
I drop my bag and sit back on the edge of my chair, as far away as possible. I definitely don’t understand anything anymore.
I’m sweating as I reach the lunch table. I wonder if Damen will be there, and Haven too, because we haven’t seen each other since Saturday night, but I’ll bet she hates me
as always. I actually spent the hour of chemistry preparing a little speech in my head, but the second I see her, I forget everything. — Hey! Look who’s here! she exclaims.
I sit next to Miles who, immersed in a text message, ignores my presence. If this continues, I’ll have to find new friends – but who will want me?
I was just telling Miles that he really missed something
thing at Nocturne, Saturday evening. But he doesn’t care, she adds, looking offended.
Unfazed, Miles continues his two-fingered dance.
Maybe because I already had it during history class, and since you hadn’t finished, I was late in Spanish because of you.
Haven shrugs.
You’re jealous that you missed this party, that’s all. It doesn’t want
Not to say your party wasn’t cool, Ever! she adds quickly to make up for it. On the contrary, it was too successful. It’s just that the
Nocturne is more my delirium, you see?
I rub my apple on my sleeve. I don’t want Haven to expand further on Nocturne, his delirium or Drina. But, when I lift my nose to look at her, I notice with amazement that she has replaced her yellow contact lenses with green ones.
A familiar green that makes me feel sick to my stomach. A green that could be called Drina green.
You should have seen that too. There were three kilometers of queue
at the entrance, but, thanks to Drina, the bouncers immediately
let in. We didn’t pay anything! It was free all evening! I even squatted in his room. She has an incredible suite at the St Régis
while waiting to find something permanent. You’ll see the thing: ocean view, Jacuzzi, mini-bar, the whole package!
She stares at me with her emerald eyes, hoping for a response that matches her enthusiasm, but it’s beyond my strength.
I examine it better. Her eyeliner is less thick and more
faded than usual, and his lips are no longer blood red but pink. In short, she is made up a bit like Drina. Even her hair, which she had straight, is now wavy and styled like that of her idol. And her vintage silk fitted dress is exactly what her new friend would wear.
Where is Damen? Haven asks, looking at me like I’m supposed to know.
I bite into my apple without saying anything, but Haven doesn’t let go.
What is going on ? I thought you were together. Before I can respond, Miles looks up from his
cell phone and gives him an eloquent look: you’re venturing into a minefield.
Haven looks at us in turn.
Okay, but I have no problem with that,
seen ? And I’m sorry if I lost my temper a little on Saturday. It’s over, seriously. Little finger word.
I hesitate before hooking my little finger to his and capturing
its energy. She’s sincere, I’m sure. To think that, as recently as this weekend, she considered me public enemy number one. I don’t understand anything about this sudden change of heart.
Haven…
I don’t dare continue. Oh, and after all, I have nothing left to lose.
She waits patiently for me to decide.
Um… when you were at Nocturne, did… did you, by any chance, come across Damen?
Miles gives me a curious look, and Haven looks perplexed.
Because, you see, he left right after you… So, I was wondering if, by chance…
With the tip of her tongue, she picks a crumb of frosting from her lips.
No, he wasn’t with us.
I know I should abstain, but I still decide to
take a little visual inspection of the caste system that governs the lunch tables, this alphabetical hierarchy that begins with ours, the Z series, and goes up to the A class of stars
High School. Will I find Damen and Stacia frolicking in a field
white roses, or even worse?
Well no ! It’s the usual circus at Stacia’s table, but today at least there are no flowers.
Obviously, since Damen is gone…
