el _ The only thing that saves me from collapsing face down on my bed after Cal leaves is that Cami needs to go to camp. After spending a week away from all of her friends, she is beyond excited to return, which motivates me to keep going.
It’s not until I finally leave her that I can process everything. At least, that’s what I had planned before my friends showed up at my door, each carrying a stack of grocery bags.
“What are you two doing here?” I gape at Violet and Delilah as they shuffle toward the guest house.
“We were summoned.” Violet drops her set of plastic bags on the counter.
“By whom?”
Delilah starts unpacking the bags. “California.” I retreat. “Did Cal ask you to come here? Because?”
“Because he may be an idiot, but at least he’s a thoughtful idiot who knew you’d wallow in your misery for a few days. before calling us.” He plopped me down on the couch and cradled my head in my hands. “Oh Lord.” My chest tightens to the point of pain.
He called your best friends because he knew you would avoid everyone until you could face them.
The way he can predict my every move… It makes me happy and sick at the same time. Happy because I found someone who
understands on a cellular level, and sick because that person has all the power to abuse her.
And abuse it he did.
My eyes sting.
Don’t you dare cry.
I rub them until the tears disappear, although the heaviness pressing against my shoulders remains.
“Did he tell you about…” My voice trails off as I think better of revealing the inheritance.
“The will?” Violet finishes for me. “Yes, after he swore us to secrecy.”
“He told you?”
“He didn’t want you to feel obligated to keep a secret like that from us.” Oh God. My shoulders slump. Why would he risk the consequences of losing his inheritance for me?
Because he cares.
I shake my head. I can’t believe I told you about the will.
“He emphasized that we couldn’t tell anyone or else his brothers would probably ruin our lives.” Delilah’s lips press together.
“Either way, I still can’t believe I said anything.”
“He was a little nervous, but I think it was only because he didn’t like the idea of leaving you behind.”
My chin trembles.
Delilah plops down on the couch on the other side of me and hugs me. “Everything will be fine.”
Violet hugs me too. “You’re going to get through this.”
I hope so, because right now the thought of leaving Cal feels impossible.
Especially when you plan to return.
 |
It was a pretty quiet dinner. I spent most of the meal stuck in my head, just talking to ask Cami questions that send her off on tangents, her mouth running faster than a plane engine.
“Can we watch a movie tonight?” Cami asks in the middle of dinner.
“Sure,” I say absentmindedly as I swirl my pasta around my fork with no intention of eating it. My appetite diminishes with every memory of Cal.
The empty tablecloth next to me.
The sink full of dishes that he would have offered to clean without me asking while he helped Cami wash her hair.
Merlin curled up under the table, right next to my feet, keeping me constant company.
“I miss Cal.” Cami sighs.
My heart breaks in two. “You do?” She nods. “He told me she would be back.”
My fork crashes against the plate. “He did?” The words come out like a hiss. I only heard Cami asking him for a pinky promise, so I have no idea what Cal said to Cami while she was in her room.
She cheers up. “Yes. After she gets better.”
The tightness in my throat doesn’t ease no matter how many deep breaths I take. “What else did he say?”
He asked me to take care of Merlin for him. His eyes light up. “And you.”
My lips press together to suppress the sob that threatens to escape. “Do you think he’ll be back soon, Mommy?”
“I’m not so sure”. I complain at the end of my sentence. “Do you love him, do you love him ?”
My eyebrows draw together. “Why you ask?” “Because he told me that love loves you .”
A sharp stab of pain shoots through my chest. “I know.” “Will he be my new dad?”
“I don’t know.” The air shoots out of me like a balloon that loses all its helium.
His smile falters. “I told him I wished he was.” Flicker. “Did you do it? When?”
“In my birthday.”
Oh, Camila. I pull her into a big hug. “Is that what you want?” She nods against my chest.
He knew Cami would love Cal. It’s impossible not to, but hearing her admit that she wanted him to be her father breaks through. me, especially when I’m not sure that will ever happen.
Cal might come back, but how long will it take for him to fall back into destructive patterns? I refuse to let Cami be affected by him, no matter how much I wish the three of us could be together. If he chose to be sober because of an inheritance, he will never stay sober. I know that.
And I’m not going to wait this time and watch the person I love most get hurt again, even if I lose a little of myself in the process once I let him go for good.
 |
It’s not until Cami goes to sleep at night that Cal leaving really hits me. The memory of him lingers in every corner of the house, reminding me of the happiness we shared together before he blew everything up.
Even Merlin seems sad about his owner’s absence. He sits on the couch in the same spot Cal always occupied during movie nights. I try to relax on the other side and watch something, but my mind keeps going back to everything Cal.
Do you feel bad about everything that happened?
Did he mean what he said about going to rehab because he wanted to rather than because of his inheritance?
Will he come back sober and willing to do whatever it takes to get me back or will he give up the moment I resist?
Questions race through my head, preventing me from focusing on anything happening on the screen in front of me.
With a groan, I turn off the television and abandon my spot on the couch. Walking towards my room, I stop outside the door and turn towards the closed one on the other side of the hallway.
Do not even think about it.
Except I’m not thinking when I walk into the empty room Cal once occupied. He went out of his way to make the bed, which is something he never did unless he asked.
I move so quickly from the bed that I almost miss the white rectangle that doesn’t match the eggshell-colored comforter. The dull discomfort in my chest turns into a sharp pain when I pick it up and read the message written on the back in Cal’s messy handwriting.
I dare you to wait for me.
The real me. The sober self .
The best self who wants to spend the rest of his days getting drunk on life with you.
He pulls out a marker that matches the board we had, except there’s an extra bead next to me that wasn’t there before.
I turn the photo over. My vision blurs when I see the three of us in Dreamland. Cami and I look at the camera with beaming smiles, but it’s Cal who steals the show with his smile. He looks sober. Live. happy
_
I lose the battle with gravity and fall against the mattress, holding the photo to my chest like a lifeboat in the middle of the ocean. One edge folds because of my carelessness, so I rush to place it on the nightstand.
Everything smells like him. Bed. Leaves. The pillow I end up cradling against my chest as I curl up into a ball.
I dare you to wait for me.
Seven words steal my breath and feed my tears. They fall down my cheeks before wetting the pillow beneath me. I’m not sure why I’m crying. Is it because of sadness? Hope? Afraid that what you say is not true?
Maybe a mix of all three if I’m honest.
I promise myself I’ll be gone in a minute. Except a minute comes and goes, and I still find myself unable to move from his bed.
At some point, Merlin snuggles into me. The fact that Cal left it here tells me one thing.
He really plans to come back whether I want him to or not.
And part of me wants him to do just that.
