Living _ with Lana and Cami is a completely different experience than seeing them from time to time in the main house while cleaning the attic. For starters, the whole house is full of toys. Boxes upon boxes of toys. The entire living room is a minefield of Legos, princess dolls, and enough stuffed animals for Cami to play school.
The little girl is so fucking cute as she acts out her mom’s Spanish class, switching from English to Spanish, and Lana corrects her from time to time as she prepares dinner in the kitchen.
Cami points to a roll of paper towels on the mini whiteboard she wrote on. “Let’s learn Spanish.”
“Let’s learn Spanish.”
Cami repeats the phrase before earning a flour-covered thumbs up from her mother.
I chuckle softly, giving away the fact that I was pretending to read. “Cal, do you want to play with me?” Cami runs over to me and pulls my hand. Lana looks up from her cutting board. I think Cal is busy.
It’s been pretty cold the last few days, since the day after she moved in. I’ve tried to prank my way in, but nothing seems to get through. Even my attempts not to drink do nothing to lighten the mood.
He’s been careful not to leave me alone with Cami for more than a minute, which wasn’t the case before.
What changed?
Honestly, not knowing is driving me a little crazy. I’m not sure what happened between him offering to be my friend and now. Whatever’s going on in her head can’t be good, and I’m tempted to corner her and get some answers.
Maybe once Cami falls asleep I can.
“Please?” Cami blinks her long eyelashes at me.
“Of course. I’d love to play with you, kid.” I stand up and follow a beaming Cami, all while Lana watches me.
I spend the next twenty minutes pretending to be a student while Cami tries to read me a book in Spanish. She stumbles over her words and I do my best to help her, with Lana occasionally interrupting words she mispronounced.
My neck and spine itch from time to time. When I look around, I find Lana quickly busying herself with something in the kitchen.
What’s going on?
“It’s okay, Camila. “Time for dinner.” Lana pulls her apron over her head. The smells coming from the oven make me wish she’d give me the same invitation, even though I know that won’t happen.
Cami grabs onto my hand and pulls. “Let’s go to a corner.”
Lana doesn’t say anything, but the silence between us doesn’t bode well. As good as a homemade Colombian meal sounds right now, I’m not going to give Lana another reason to be mad at me.
I shake my head. “Can’t.” “Because?”
“I have plans.”
“Like what?” The child lacks personal boundaries or social skills.
She’s five Give her a break.
“I’m going to eat at the restaurant.”
His face scrunches up the same way Lana’s does. “Booooo.”
Just when I thought my life couldn’t get any lower, a five-year-old boy interrupts me.
Great.
Lana walks over to Cami and gives her shoulders a squeeze. “Maybe next time.”
“Right.”
“But my mom is the best cook in the whole world.” Her radiant smile is a force to be reckoned with. I doubt I’d have much of a chance of saying no if it weren’t for Lana staring a hole in the side of my face as she addressed her son.
“I know. He learned from the second best cook in the entire world: his mother.” Cami gasps, and I instantly know I said the wrong thing.
“Did you have Grandma’s food? When?” Cami looks at me with wide eyes.
I look towards Lana for approval before saying something I shouldn’t. She gives me a small nod, and I let out a sigh of relief. “She worked here while I visited her in the summers while she was growing up and cooked the best food I’ve ever had. After your mom, that is”
Cami’s eyes look like they’re about to pop out of her head because of how hard she’s straining them. “Actually?”
Lana looks away, her chest rising and falling with each deep breath.
“Yeah.”
Cami’s smile widens even more. “Did you like her?”
“It was impossible not to do it. “Every person who knew her loved her.” I mean every word. Mrs. Castillo had that energy that made everyone want to stay. She loved cooking, cleaning, and telling stories while she did both, which was a welcome change from the babysitters I spent time with while she was growing up.
It’s one of the reasons I loved visiting during the summers, even though my siblings didn’t share the same sentiments.
“Do you miss her?”
Cami’s question makes my chest pinch with an uncomfortable tightness.
“Yes. I wish I could have said goodbye.”
Lana’s hands gripping Cami’s shoulders tense. “Where were you?” Cami’s eyebrows knit together.
Lana shakes her head. “Please, no more questions. “You have done enough for me for today.”
“But-“
“Why don’t you go set the table while I talk to Cal?”
“Well!” Cami rushes over to the small kitchen table that we push into a corner to make more room for all the toys.
“If you want to have dinner with us, you can.” She brushes some flour off her apron.
“I don’t want to impose.” You are a disgusting liar.
My stomach betrays me when it growls loud enough for Lana to hear. She cracks a small smile. It’s the first one I’ve seen aimed at me in days, and I absorb it like a sun-deprived plant.
“Just go have a seat at the table while I prepare the arepas.” “Arepas?”
“And chorizo.”
My mouth is watering. “Sausage? Do you need any help?”
“I’ve been cooking food for years without any help, so I think I can manage just fine on my own, but thank you.”
“It wouldn’t hurt to make a man feel useful once in a while.”
She bats her eyelashes. “Would you like her to find a light bulb that needs changing?”
I give her a little push on the shoulder and she curls up laughing. The sound feels like she just injected pure serotonin into my veins.
The oven timer goes off, stealing Lana and that rush of happiness with her.
I take a seat next to Cami and give her my attention while ignoring the attraction I have toward the woman working in the kitchen.
Lana places my plate in front of me. Before she has a chance to back away, I grab her hand and give it a light squeeze. “Thank you. I’m so happy you invited me.
Lana’s cheeks, already pink from the effort, turn red. “You are welcome.” I run my thumb over her skin. “I missed your food.” I missed a lot more than just her food, but it feels like a safe way to express myself. He squeezes my hand in silent recognition before I let go.
While Lana grabs a juice box from the fridge, Cami leans across the table to whisper in my ear.
“You like my mommy.”
My eyes are stretched to the limit.
I can keep a secret. Cami locks her lips and throws an invisible key over her shoulder.
Damn, the kid is smart. Either that or my interest in Lana is so pathetically obvious that even a five-year-old can notice it.
Probably a combination of both.
The aroma of arepas tickles my nose and makes my mouth water. Cami digs, takes bites while telling us how she went swimming in the community pool today with her summer camp. Between her narration and Lana’s questions, the entire meal is filled with laughter, fake gasps, and Lana goading Cami with dumb questions meant to spark controversy.
I love how there is not a single moment of silence.
I can’t remember the last time I felt this content while doing something so simple. Sure, I had dinner with my family, but something about being surrounded by two couples only amplified the empty feeling in my chest. Tonight, however, that feeling is gone.
There was a time in my life when I thought it wouldn’t be possible to feel so complete. But tonight, I can feel it.
For the first time in a long time, I’m starting to have hope. Believing that there is more to me in this life than chronic loneliness and desperation to fit in somewhere. That I can be sober and happy, as long as I try hard.
Or so I wish.
 |
The hum of the dishwasher fills the silence as I scrub the counter with a disinfectant wipe.
Lana leaves Cami’s bedroom and closes the door softly behind her. She’s already been in the bedtime routine for an hour, with Cami requesting ten more minutes of her bath time, an extra bedtime story, and a special request for Lana to sing her a lullaby before bed. . I tried not to listen too much, but it was difficult given how small the house is.
She looks at me with a strange expression. You washed the dishes. “It’s the least I can do after you made dinner.”
His head tilts. “I might have to invite you to eat with us every night if it means you wash the dishes.”
“Deal,” I say too quickly, my voice reeking of desperation.
He bites his bottom lip, rolling it between his front teeth before speaking. “It was nice.”
My heart beats harder against my chest. “What it was?” “Having you eat with us. It felt like…” her voice trails off.
I refuse to let him get away with this without explanation. “That?” I press.
“I felt like you fit in with us.” She looks at her bare feet as she tucks a strand of hair behind her ear.
I swallow the lump in my throat. As much as I want to vocalize my agreement, I’m afraid of what might happen if I do.
I wouldn’t have brought it up if I was worried about what you might say.
“For a moment during dinner, I wished I had.” Her eyebrows knit together. “That?”
I shrug, trying to look like I don’t care but probably failing miserably based on how tense my shoulders are. “I like spending time with you and Cami. She reminds me a lot of myself when she was her age.”
The ghost of a smile crosses his lips. “For my own mental health and sanity, I’m going to pretend you didn’t say that.”
“I wasn’t that bad .”
“At the age of ten, he already had three broken bones, a concussion and the inability to sit still for more than ten minutes.”
“That doesn’t mean he will.”
“I hope not. My insurance co-pay is already through the roof.” She throws her hands in the air.
I end up laughing, which only makes his lips purse.
“I’m serious!”
“You’re about to be a millionaire once we sell the house. I’m sure you can cover up a couple of broken bones after that.
“Right.” His joy dies, killed along with the small smile that takes shape on his face.
“Don’t tell me you’re questioning everything. “I thought we had an agreement with each other.”
His frown deepens. “No.” “So what’s up?”
“Nothing. I’m going to bed.” She turns toward the hallway. “Because you are leaving?” I follow her.
“I’m tired.” She walks towards her bedroom, which is right across from mine.
When Lana goes to reach for the knob, I stop her by taking her hand and turning her towards me.
“What did I say?”
He breathes deeply, making his shoulders rise and fall. “It’s not what you said exactly, but what you reminded me that bothered me.”
My hand that clings to hers tightens. “That?”
Raise your other hand in the air and twist your finger. “That all this has an expiration date.”
My eyebrows draw together. “Isn’t that what you wanted?”
His face contorts, confusion etched into every wrinkle on his forehead. “I don’t know what I want and maybe that’s my problem.” She lets out a heavy sigh. “I just forgot what it feels like to—” her sentence dies when he presses her lips together.
“Forgot what it feels like ?”
She looks down. “Not feeling so damn lonely for once.” The pressure in my chest increases. “Wool-“
“It sounded even more pathetic when I said it out loud. “Just pretend I didn’t say anything.” She releases her hand and slips into her room before she can ask him anything else.
I go to my room and get into bed. Merlin jumps onto the mattress and curls up at the foot of the bed, filling the silence. with his constant purring.
I think about what Lana said about her not knowing what she wanted. About how she didn’t like being reminded that everything has an expiration date.
If I hadn’t run to his room, I would have told him I feel the same way. That I also struggle with crippling loneliness and a desire to fill the chronic void in my chest.
I swore to myself that I would only be here until I sold the house. That there was no point in staying any longer than that, especially when they didn’t want me here.
But yes…
No. There is no possible way she is going to give me a chance.
Right?
During all my what-ifs about returning to Lake Wisteria, I didn’t even consider the possibility that Lana was interested in me. She wouldn’t even entertain him because she couldn’t get my hopes up.
But what if she’s open to us trying something new together? Something that isn’t weighed down by drugs or depression or bad decisions made out of desperation to feel something other than pain?
It could help reduce the loneliness we both suffer. It would be easy to become his companion. Friend. Lover.
My mind takes off, a plan forming as I reflect on all of our interactions up to this point. If Lana is confused, it’s time for me to clarify some things, starting with my feelings towards her. She may not have an answer for everything, but I do know one thing.
Lana is the only woman I’ve ever loved, and it’s time she started acting like it.
