SUE WAS SUPPOSED to come over the next day for week two of our doomed portrait sessions. But I called her when I got back from the clinic and postponed.
โIโm not in a good place,โ I told her after giving the lowdown on Peanut.
โBut painting makes you feel better.โ โNot anymore.โ
โI refuse to believe that.โ
โI painted a hundred faces the other night, and it was pure torture.โ Sue took that in. โOkay. If thatโs how it is right now.โ
โThatโs how it is right now.โ
โTake someย youย time, then. Binge-watch something.โ โI canโt watch TV anymore,โ I said.
Sue was aghast. โWhy not?โ
โBecause of the face blindness.โ โI keep forgetting about that.โ
โI canโt tell the characters apart.โ
โWow,โ Sue said, โwhat a nightmare.โ โItโs been a nightmare this whole time!โ โBut now I really get it.โ
โThatโsย what made you get it?โ
โThat,โ Sue conceded, โand those images you texted me of upside- down faces. I, like, couldnโt recognizeย anyย of those people. Not one. And then you sent the right-side-up version, and I was like, โOh! Thereโs Michelle Obama! And Julie Andrews! And Liam Hemsworth!โโ
โAre you telling me,โ I said, โthat if Liam Hemsworth walked past you with his face upside down, you wouldnโt even know?โ
โIโd have no idea.โ
โWelcome to my life. I pass a hundred Liam Hemsworths a day.โ
Sue sighed like she was really getting it. Then she said, โItโs his loss, though. Never forget that.โ
SO THATโS HOW I spent my me time for the next few days: trying to shrink the edema in my fusiform face gyrus through sheer force of will and delivering meals of international delicacies to my beloved dog several times a day as he fought for his life in the ICU.
I confess that, after that first day, I always got a little gussied up before heading to the vet clinic. โItโs for Peanut,โ I told Sue on the phone. โHe wouldnโt want to see me looking dowdy.โ
But, in truth, I had to redeem those baby-doll pajamas.
In general, I made it a rule to neverย not be okayย in front of anyone. Especially not future husbands. All I could do was hope that Dr. Addison had been far too fixated on Peanut that first morning to really notice the falling-apart me.
I mean, he probably hadnโt missed the copious sobbing. But maybe he saw that all the time anyway.
The point was, some things couldnโt be helped. But from now on, I would not burst into any more tears at that clinic. I would show up looking a hundred percent โFine, thank you, and yourself?โ As a point of pride.
Which was the only saving grace on the evening of Peanutโs third overnight stay there, when the pad Thai Iโd ordered from his favorite spot got held up in traffic during deliveryโand, desperately trying to move fast when I was still forbidden to run, I race-walked the two blocks in a ridiculous pair of heelsโonly to arrive just as Dr. Addison was locking up.
I knew it was him with certainty. Because all the other vets in the practice were female.
Also because of his godlike glow.
โIโm so sorry,โ I said, out of breath. โThe delivery was late.โ I held up the takeout bag.
โIs that for Peanut?โ I nodded. โPad Thai.โ
Dr. Addison sighed at me then, like I was a real lunatic. But at least I was wearing my favorite sundress. And Iโd taught myself how to do a crown braid around my head that perfectly hid my surgical scars. And Iโd gone to the trouble of finding my raspberry lipstick after it rolled under the bed.
With a headshake like he couldnโt believe he was an accomplice to the moral atrocity of feeding noodles to a sick dog, he unlocked the door.
โHe needs meat,โ he said, stepping over the threshold.
I followed, and we were once again surrounded by pop oldies on the sound system.
โThis isย chickenย pad Thai,โ I said, raising my voice a bit.
โCanโt you get him hooked on barbecue or something? This is Texas.โ โHe likes barbecue,โ I said. โHe just likes pad Thai better.โ
Three nights in, Peanut was doing much better. Heโd had his second transfusion by now, and heโd soon be getting a third. That plus the IV fluids and the appetite stimulants had him looking much more like his usual self.
All to say, tonight Peanut greeted me with a full-body wag for the first time since this all started.
Which made me tear up. Again.
But I blinked the tears away.ย No more crying at the vet clinic.ย โLooks like heโs feeling better,โ Dr. Addison said. โDefinitely.โ
โSoon, I think, heโll be strong enough to start his meds.โ โWhat are they?โ I asked.
โPrednisone, cyclosporine, and azathioprine,โ Dr. Addison said, before realizing maybe that was overly specific and backing up a bit to explain: โSteroids and immune suppressors.โ
โGot it,โ I said.
โIโm hopeful about him,โ Dr. Addison said then.
โThank you,โ I said, taking a second to press my face against Peanutโs fur. โThank you for being hopeful.โ
I was trying to move fast, but Dr. Addison, watching me, said, โTake a minute. Itโs okay.โ
โArenโt you trying to lock up? I donโt want to keep you fromโ whatever youโve got going on.โ
โI donโt have anything going on,โ he said. โIโm glad to stay.โ Then he added, โHeโll eat more if youโre not rushing.โ
Next I got down on the floor, crisscrossed my legs, cradled Peanut in my lap, and started feeding long, floppy pinches of pad Thai noodles to him by hand.
I thought Dr. Addison would give us a minute then, maybe go back to his office and doโI donโt know โฆ doctorly things? What did medical professionals do when no one was looking?ย Examine charts? Study textbooks? Wear glasses and look important?
Of course, Dr. Addison didnโt wear glasses.
But Iโm sure he wouldnโt let that hold him back.
Anyway, he didnโt go off to be doctorly. He lingered there. Watching Peanut devour that entire Styrofoam box of pad Thai, slurp by slurp, like a champion.
โHe really does like pad Thai.โ
โIโm telling you. Heโs a very worldly dog. Gastronomically.โ โI believe you.โ
I wanted to think I could take the chowing-down as encouragement that Peanut must be doing better. But I couldnโt discount the appetite stimulant.
โThis is a good sign, right?โ I asked as Peanut licked the empty container.
โItโs not a bad sign,โ Dr. Addison said. โIโm so glad heโs doing better.โ
A little pause and then Dr. Addison said, โAreย youย doing better?โ
I looked up. Bless that manโheโd just given me the perfect opportunity to say it: โIโm great,โ I said, with all the convincing, perky, donโt-even- know-why-youโre-asking energy I could muster. Mentally I added:ย I am not falling apart. I am not standing slack-jawed and helpless at the sight of my life collapsing like a sheet of the polar ice caps. I am absolutely, undeniably, categorically okay.
โGood,โ Dr. Addison said, seeming unconvinced. Then he added, โGreat.โ
Fine. All right. Maybe my two-word statement wouldnโt be enough. โWeโre just โฆ very close,โ I added then. I mean, even perfectly fine people
could get weepy if their dogs were on the brink of death! That wasnโt evidence of emotional pathology, was it?
โYou and Peanut?โ Dr. Addison asked.
I nodded. โPractically litter mates. My mom gave him to me when I was a kid.โ Were you still a kid at fourteen? Close enough.
Dr. Addison nodded. โThey really curl up in your heart, donโt they?โ That seemed like a very true way of putting it.
โDo you have any pets?โ I asked then.
Dr. Addison shifted. โIโm between pets at the moment.โ โI guess you see enough animals at work.โ
โThatโs one way to spin it.โ
There was a story there, for sure.
But it was getting late. โIโm sure you need to get home,โ I said.
He thought about it. โIโm off to check on another patient after this, anyway. A Great Dane. Sheโs too sick to stay overnight here unsupervised, so sheโs at a twenty-four-hour clinic.โ
โI should let you get to that,โ I said, giving Peanut one more squeeze. Dr. Addison watched me clean up and then put my nose right in front of
Peanutโs for one last nourishing drink of the sight of his little fuzzy face. โYou be good for these guys, got it?โ I said to Peanut. โIf they tell you to get well, you get well.โ
Peanut licked me on the cheek in reply with his flappy pink tongue.
I put him back in the kennel, tucked him in with his squeaky squirrel, fought back any and all not-okay feelings, and latched the latch. I was fine. I was great. I was not a person who could be toppled by a run-of-the-mill goodbye.
When I turned around, Dr. Addison was waiting to walk me back to the front.
โThanks again so much,โ I said, smiling like a just-fine person.
โI have a question for you,โ Dr. Addison said once we were outside. โWhatโs that?โ I asked.
He finished turning the lock and turned to face me. โWould you like to go on a date with me sometime?โ