And he was the first person to congratulate her when she took a job teaching at Wharton. She never knew that he had made a few calls on her behalf. He never wanted her to know. He merely wanted to help her, in any and all ways that he could. And he did that, lovingly, until he died at age eighty-one.
Connor gave the eulogy. Her boyfriend, Greg, was one of the pallbearers. Afterward, she and Greg came to stay with me for a while.
โMom, after seven husbands, Iโm not sure youโve had any practice living on your own,โ she said as she sat at my dining room table, the same table she used to sit at in a high chair with Harry, Celia, John, and me.
โI lived a very full life before you were born,โ I told her. โI lived alone once, and I can do it again. You and Greg should go live your lives. Really.โ
But the moment I shut the door behind them, I realized just how huge this apartment was, just how quiet.
Thatโs when I hired Grace.
I had inherited multiple millions from Harry, Celia, and now Robert. And I had only Connor to spoil. So I also spoiled Grace and her family. It gave me happiness to give them happiness, to give them just a little bit of the luxury Iโd had for most of my life.
Living alone isnโt so bad once you get used to it. And living in a big apartment like this, well, Iโve kept it because I wanted to give it to Connor, but I have enjoyed some aspects of it. Of course, I always liked it more when Connor would spend the night, especially after she and Greg broke up.
You can make quite a life for yourself hosting charity dinners and collecting art. You can find a way to be happy with whatever the truth is.
Until your daughter dies.
Connor was diagnosed with late-stage breast cancer two and a half years ago, when she was thirty-nine. She was given months to live. I knew what it was like to realize that the one you love would leave this earth well before you. But nothing could prepare me for the pain of watching my child suffer.
I held her when she puked from the chemo. I wrapped her in blankets when she was so cold she was crying. I kissed her forehead like she was my baby again, because she was forever my baby.
I told her every single day that her life had been the worldโs greatest gift to me, that I believed I was put on earth not to make movies or wear emerald-green gowns and wave at crowds but to be her mother.
I sat next to her hospital bed. โNothing I have ever done,โ I said, โhas made me as proud as the day I gave birth to you.โ
โI know,โ she said. โIโve always known that.โ
I had made a point of not bullshitting her ever since her father died. We had the sort of relationship where we believed each other, believed in each other. She knew she was loved. She knew that she had changed my life, that she had changed the world.
She made it eighteen months before she passed away.
And when they put her in the ground next to her father, I broke like I have never broken before.
The devastating luxury of panic overtook me.
And it has never left.
THATโS HOW MY STORY ENDS. With the loss of everyone I have ever loved. With me, in a big, beautiful Upper East Side apartment, missing everyone who ever meant anything to me.
When you write the ending, Monique, make sure itโs clear that I donโt love this apartment, that I donโt care about all my money, that I couldnโt give a ratโs ass if people think Iโm a legend, that the adoration of millions of people never warmed my bed.
When you write the ending, Monique, tell everyone that it is the people I miss. Tell everyone that I got it wrong. That I chose the wrong things most of the time.
When you write the ending, Monique, make sure the reader understands that all I was ever really looking for was family. Make sure itโs clear that I found it. Make sure they know that I am heartbroken without it.
Spell it out if you have to.
Say that Evelyn Hugo doesnโt care if everyone forgets her name. Evelyn Hugo doesnโt care if everyone forgets she was ever alive.
Better yet, remind them that Evelyn Hugo never existed. She was a person I made up for them. So that they would love me. Tell them that I was confused, for a very long time, about what love was. Tell them that I understand it now, and I donโt need their love anymore.
Say to them, โEvelyn Hugo just wants to go home. Itโs time for her to go to her daughter, and her lover, and her best friend, and her mother.โ
Tell them Evelyn Hugo says good-bye.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN, โGOOD-BYEโ? Donโt say good-bye, Evelyn.โ
She looks me right in the eye and ignores my words.
โWhen you put it all together into one narrative,โ she says, โmake sure itโs clear that of all the things I did to protect my family, I would do every one again. And I would have done more, would have behaved even uglier, if I thought it could have saved them.โ
โI think most people probably feel the same way,โ I tell her. โAbout their lives, their loved ones.โ
Evelyn looks disappointed in my response. She gets up and walks over to her desk. She pulls out a piece of paper.
It is old. Crinkled and folded, with a burnt-orange hue on one edge.
โThe man in the car with Harry,โ Evelyn says. โThe one I left.โ
This is, of course, the most egregious thing sheโs ever done. But Iโm not sure I wouldnโt have done the same for someone I loved. Iโm not saying I would have done the same. Iโm just saying that Iโm not sure.
โHarry had fallen in love with a black man. His name was James Grant. He died on February 26, 1989.โ
HERE IS THE THING ABOUT fury.
It starts in your chest.
It starts as fear.
Fear quickly moves to denial. No, that must be a mistake. No, that canโt be.
And then the truth hits. Yes, she is right. Yes, it can be.
Because you realize, Yes, it is true.
And then you have a choice. Are you sad, or are you angry?
And ultimately, the thin line between the two comes down to the answer to one question. Can you assign blame?
The loss of my father, when I was seven, was something for which I only ever had one person to blame. My father. My father was driving drunk. Heโd never done anything like it before. It was entirely out of character. But it happened. And I could either hate him for it, or I could try to understand it. Your father was driving under the influence and lost control of the car.
But this. The knowledge that my father never willingly got behind the wheel of a car drunk, that he was left dead on the side of the road by this woman, framed for his own death, his legacy tarnished. The fact that I grew up believing heโd been the one to cause the accident. There is so much blame hanging in the air, waiting for me to snatch it and pin it on Evelynโs chest.
And the way she is sitting in front of me, remorseful but not exactly sorry, makes it clear sheโs ready to be pinned.
This blame is like a flint to my years of aching. And it erupts into fury.
My body goes white-hot. My eyes tear. My hands ball into fists, and I step away because I am afraid of what I might do.
And then, because stepping away from her feels too generous, I edge back to where she is, and I push her against the sofa, and I say, โIโm glad you have no one left. Iโm glad thereโs no one alive to love you.โ
I let go of her, surprised at myself. She sits back up. She watches me.
โYou think that giving me your story makes up for any of it?โ I ask her. โAll this time, youโve been making me sit here, listening to your life, so that you could confess, and you think that your biography makes up for it?โ
โNo,โ she says. โI think you know me well enough by now to know Iโm not nearly naive enough to believe in absolution.โ
โWhat, then?โ
Evelyn reaches out and shows me the paper in her hand.
โI found this in Harryโs pants pocket. The night he died. My guess is that heโd read it and it was the reason he๏ฟฝ
๏ฟฝd been drinking so much to begin with. It was from your father.โ
โSo?โ
โSo I . . . I found great peace in my daughter knowing the truth about me. There was immense comfort in knowing the real her. I wanted to . . . I think Iโm the only person alive who can give that to you. Can give it to your dad. I want you to know who he truly was.โ
โI know who he was to me,โ I say, while realizing that thatโs not exactly true.
โI thought you would want to know all of him. Take it, Monique. Read the letter. If you donโt want it, you donโt have to keep it. But I always planned on sending it to you. I always thought you deserved to know.โ
I snatch it from her, not wanting even to extend the kindness of taking it gently. I sit down. I open it. There are what can only be bloodstains on the top of the page. I wonder briefly if itโs my fatherโs blood. Or Harryโs. I decide not to think about it.
Before I can read even one line, I look up at her.
โCan you leave?โ I say.
Evelyn nods and walks out of her own office. She shuts the door behind her. I look down. There is so much to reframe in my mind.
My father did nothing wrong.
My father didnโt cause his own death.
Iโve spent years of my life seeing him from that angle, making peace with him through that lens.
And now, for the first time in nearly thirty years, I have new words, fresh thoughts, from my father.
Dear Harry,
I love you. I love you in a way that I never thought possible. I have spent so much of my life thinking that this type of love was a myth. And now here it is, so real I can touch it, and I finally understand what the Beatles were singing about all those years.
I do not want you to move to Europe. But I also know that what I may not want may very well be the best thing for you. So despite my desires, I think you should go.
I cannot and will not be able to give you the life you are dreaming of here in Los Angeles.
I cannot marry Celia St. Jamesโalthough I do agree with you that she is a stunningly beautiful woman, and if Iโm being honest, I did nurse a small crush on her in Royal Wedding.
But the fact remains that though I have never loved my wife the way I love you, I will never leave her. I love my family too much to fracture us for even a moment of time. My daughter, whom I desperately hope you can one day meet, is my reason for living. And I know that she is happiest with me and her mom. I know that she will live her best life only if I stay where I am.
Angela is perhaps not the love of my life. I know that now, now that Iโve felt real passion. But I think, in many ways, she means to me what Evelyn means to you. She is my best friend, my confidante, my companion. I admire the forthrightness with which you and Evelyn discuss your sexuality, your desires. But it is not how Angela and I work, and Iโm not sure Iโd want to change that. We do not have a vibrant sex life, but I love her the way one loves a partner. I would never forgive myself for causing her pain. And I would find myself desperate to call her, to hear her thoughts, to know how she is, every moment of every day if I was not with her.
My family is my heart. And I cannot break us up. Not even for the type of love that I have found with you, my Harry.
Go to Europe. If you believe it is what is best for your family.
And know that here, in Los Angeles, I am with mine, thinking of you.
Forever yours,
James
I put down the letter. I stare straight ahead into the air. And then, and only then, it hits me.
My father was in love with a man.
I DONโT KNOW HOW LONG I sit on the couch, staring at the ceiling. I think of my memories of my dad, the way he would throw me up in the air in the backyard, the way he would every once in a while let me eat banana splits for breakfast.
Those memories have always been tinged by how he died. They have always had a bittersweetness to them because I believed it was his mistakes that took him from me too soon.
And now I donโt know what to make of him. I donโt know how to think of him. A defining trait is gone and is replaced by so much moreโfor better or for worse.
At some point, after I start replaying the same images over and over in my mindโmemories of my father alive, imagined images of his final moments and his deathโI realize I canโt sit still anymore.
So I stand up, I walk into the hallway, and I start looking for Evelyn. I find her in the kitchen with Grace.
โSo this is why Iโm here?โ I say, holding the letter in the air.
โGrace, would you mind giving us a moment?โ
Grace gets up from her stool. โSure.โ She disappears down the hall.
When sheโs gone, Evelyn looks at me. โItโs not the only reason I wanted to meet you. I tracked you down to give you the letter, obviously. And I had been looking for a way to introduce myself to you that wasnโt quite so out of the blue, quite so shocking.โ
โVivant helped you with that, clearly.โ
โIt gave me a pretense, yes. I felt more comfortable having a major magazine send you than calling you up on the phone and trying to explain how I knew who you were.โ
โSo you figured youโd just lure me here with the promise of a bestseller.โ
โNo,โ she says, shaking her head. โOnce I started researching you, I read most of your work. Specifically, I read your right-to-die piece.โ
I put the letter on the table. I consider taking a seat. โSo?โ
โI thought it was beautifully written. It was informed, intelligent, balanced, and compassionate. It had heart. I admired the way you deftly handled an emotional and complicated topic.โ
I donโt want to let her say anything nice to me, because I donโt want to have to thank her for it. But my mother instilled in me a politeness that kicks in when I least expect it. โThank you.โ
โWhen I read it, I suspected that you would do a beautiful job with my story.โ
โBecause of one small piece I wrote?โ
โBecause youโre talented, and if anyone could understand the complexities of who I am and what Iโve done, it was probably you. And the more Iโve gotten to know you, the more I know I was right. Whatever book you write about me, it will not have easy answers. But it will, I predict, be unflinching. I wanted to give you that letter, and I wanted you to write my story, because I believe you to be the very best person for the job.โ
โSo you put me through all this to assuage your guilt and make sure you got the book about your life that you wanted?โ
Evelyn shakes her head, ready to correct me, but Iโm not done.
โItโs amazing, really. How self-interested you can be. That even now, even when you appear to want to redeem yourself, itโs still about you.โ
Evelyn puts up her hand. โDonโt act like you havenโt benefited from this. Youโve been a willing participant here. You wanted the story. You took advantageโdeftly and smartly, I might addโof the position I put you in.โ
โEvelyn, seriously,โ I say. โCut the crap.โ
โYou donโt want the story?โ Evelyn asks, challenging me. โIf you donโt want it, donโt take it. Let my story die with me. That is just fine.โ
I am quiet, unsure how to respond, unsure how I want to respond.
Evelyn puts out her hand, expectantly. Sheโs not going to let the suggestion be hypothetical. Itโs not rhetorical. It demands an answer. โGo ahead,โ she says. โGet your notes and the recordings. We can burn them all right now.โ
I donโt move, despite the fact that she gives me ample time to do so.
โI didnโt think so,โ she says.
โItโs the least I deserve,โ I tell her, defensive. โItโs the fucking least you can give me.โ
โNobody deserves anything,โ Evelyn says. โItโs simply a matter of whoโs willing to go and take it for themselves. And you, Monique, are a person who has proven to be willing to go out there and take what you want. So be honest about that. No one i
s just a victim or a victor. Everyone is somewhere in between. People who go around casting themselves as one or the other are not only kidding themselves, but theyโre also painfully unoriginal.โ
I get up from the table and walk to the sink. I wash my hands, because I hate how clammy they feel. I dry them. I look at her. โI hate you, you know.โ
Evelyn nods. โGood for you. Itโs such an uncomplicated feeling, isnโt it? Hatred?โ
โYes,โ I say. โIt is.โ
โEverything else in life is more complex. Especially your father. Thatโs why I thought it was so important that you read that letter. I wanted you to know.โ
โWhat, exactly? That he was innocent? Or that he loved a man?โ
โThat he loved you. Like that. He was willing to turn down romantic love in order to stand by your side. Do you know what an amazing father you had? Do you know how loved you were? Plenty of men say theyโll never leave their families, but your father was put to the test and didnโt even blink. I wanted you to know that. If I had a father like that, I would have wanted to know.โ
No one is all good or all bad. I know this, of course. I had to learn it at a young age. But sometimes itโs easy to forget just how true it is. That it applies to everyone.
Until youโre sitting in front of the woman who put your fatherโs dead body in the driverโs seat of a car to save the reputation of her best friendโand you realize she held on to a letter for almost three decades because she wanted you to know how much you were loved.
She could have given me the letter earlier. She also could have thrown it away. Thereโs Evelyn Hugo for you. Somewhere in the middle.
I sit down and put my hands over my eyes, rubbing them, hoping that if I rub hard enough, maybe I can make my way to a different reality.
When I open them, Iโm still here. I have no choice but to resign myself to it.
