On the first Friday Linus Baker spent on the island, he received an invitation. It wasnโt one he expected, and upon hearing it, he wasnโt sure it was one he wanted to accept. He could think of six or seven or quite possibly one hundred things heโd rather do. He had to remind himself he was on Marsyas for a reason, and it was important he see all sides of the orphanage.
The invitation had come from a knock on the door of the guest house where Linus was attempting to finish his first report from his time on Marsyas. The ferry would come tomorrow to take him to the mainland so he could send it via post back to DICOMY. Heโd been deep into his writing, careful to only allow one admonition per page regarding Extremely Upper Managementโs lack of transparency before sending him to the island. Heโd made it a game of sorts, trying to make his responses to their transgressions as subtle as possible. Heโd been thankful for the interruption of a knock at the door when the last line heโd written read โฆย and furthermore, the very idea that Extremely Upper Management would employ obfuscation and outright deception with their caseworkers is most uncivilized.
It was probably for the best if he rethought that last sentence.
He was pleasantly surprised to find Mr. Parnassus standing on the porch of the guest house, looking windswept and warm in the afternoon sunlight, something that Linus was finding himself not only getting used to seeing, but rather looking forward to. He told himself it was because Mr. Parnassus was a cheery fellow, and if this were the real world, perhaps they could
have been friends, something that Linus was in short supply of. That was all it was.
It didnโt matter that Mr. Parnassus didnโt appear to own a pair of slacks that actually fit his long legs, given that they were always too short. Today he wore blue socks with clouds on them. Linus refused to be charmed.
He mostly succeeded.
Still, when Mr. Parnassus extended his invitation, Linus felt his throat close, and his tongue become as dry as burnt toast. โPardon?โ he managed to ask.
Mr. Parnassus smiled knowingly. โI said it might be a good idea if you were to sit in on my one-on-one with Lucy, just so you may get the full experience of Marsyas. I expect Extremely Upper Management anticipates your observations of such, donโt you think?โ
Linus did. In fact, he was beginning to think that perhaps Extremely Upper Management cared more about Lucy than any other person on the island. Oh, it wasnโt spelled out as such in the files heโd been given, but Linus had been doing this line of work for a long time and was more perceptive than most gave him credit for.
That didnโt mean heโd jump at such an invitation.
He had only made partial headway on his first few days on the island. Sal was still petrified of him, and Phee was dismissive, but Talia only threatened to bury him in her garden once or twice per day, and Chauncey seemed happy about anything and everything (especially when he got to deliver fresh towels or bedsheets to Linus, always managing to cough politely enough to ensure a tip). Theodore, of course, thought the sun rose and set because of Linus, something that shouldnโt have tugged at his heartstrings as much as it did. It was only aย buttonย (four now, in fact; Linus had decided one of his dress shirts was ready for retirement, and he would snip a new button each morning), and that they were plastic and not brass didnโt seem to matter to Theodore.
Lucy, on the other hand, was still an enigma. A terrifying enigma, to be sure, given that he was the Antichrist, but an enigma nonetheless. Just the day before, Linus had found himself in the library of the main house, an old room on the first floor filled with books from floor to ceiling. Heโd been
perusing the shelves when heโd caught movement in the shadows out of the corner of his eye. Heโd whirled around, but there was nothing there.
Until heโd looked up to see Lucy crouched on the top of a bookshelf, staring down at him with bright eyes and a twisted smirk on his face.
Linus gasped, heart racing.
Lucy said, โHello, Mr. Baker. You would do well to remember that human souls are cheap trinkets to one such as me.โ He giggled and leapt from the bookshelf, landing on his feet. He looked up at Linus and whispered, โI love cheap trinkets.โ And then heโd run from the library. Linus saw him only an hour later munching on an oatmeal raisin cookie in the kitchen, bopping his head along with The Coasters singing about how they were gonna find her, searchinโ every which-a-way.
So, no, Linus wasnโt necessarily jumping on the invitation. But he had a job to do.
It was why he was here.
And the more he learned about Lucy, the better prepared heโd be when reporting to Extremely Upper Management.
(It hadย nothingย to do with the idea of also getting to know Mr. Parnassus a little better. And even if itย did,ย it was because the file on the master told him next to nothing, and he needed to be thorough. It was outlined as such in theย RULES AND REGULATIONS,ย page 138, paragraph six, and he would follow it to the letter.)
โDoes he know Iโll be there?โ Linus asked, wiping the sweat from his brow.
Mr. Parnassus chuckled. โIt was his idea.โ โOh dear,โ Linus said faintly.
โShould I tell him to expect you?โ
No. No, he shouldnโt. In fact, he should tell Lucy that Linus had taken ill and would be down for the evening. And then Linus could spend his Friday night in his pajamas listening to the little radio in the living room and pretending he was at home. It wasnโt a record player, but it would do in a pinch. โYes,โ he said. โI will be there.โ
Mr. Parnassus smiled widely. Linus felt his skin flush at the sight of it. โWonderful,โ he said. โI think youโll be surprised. Five oโclock sharp, Mr.
Baker.โ He whirled on his heel and headed toward the main house, whistling a jaunty tune.
Linus closed the door and slumped against it. โWell, old boy, youโve stepped into it now, havenโt you?โ
Calliope sat in the windowsill, blinking slowly in the sunlight.
Linus Baker had never been the religious sort. While he didnโt mind if others were, it was never for him. His mother had been โฆ not quite fervent but so close that there was barely a difference. She took him to church on Sundays, and heโd sit in his freshly starched shirt that itched terribly, and would stand when he was supposed to stand, and kneel when he was supposed to kneel. He liked the hymns, though he couldnโt carry a tune if heโd been given a bucket, but that was about it. He thought it preposterous: the idea of fire and brimstone, that sinners went to Hell while everyone else went to Heaven. Sins seemed to be subjective. Oh, murder was bad, and harming others was too, but was that comparable to someone whoโd nicked a candy bar from the corner store when they were nine years old? Because if it was, Linus was destined for Hell given the Crunchie bar heโd slipped into his pocket and consumed late at night while hiding under his comforter. When heโd become old enough to understand the power of the wordย no,
he hadnโt had to go to church after that.ย No,ย heโd told Mother,ย no, I donโt
think I want to go.
Sheโd been upset, of course. She worried about his soul, telling him that he was going to go on a path from which he wouldnโt be able to return. There would be drugs and booze andย girls,ย and she would be there to pick up the pieces because thatโs what a mother did (and, he thought, to tell himย I told you so).
But, as it turned out, drugs were never a problem, and while Linus did enjoy a glass of wine with dinner once a month, it never turned into more than that.
And as forย girls,ย his mother neednโt have worried. By then, Linus had already noticed how his skin had tingled when his seventeen-year-old
neighbor, Timmy Wellington, mowed the lawn without his shirt on. No, girls werenโt going to bring about Linus Bakerโs downfall.
So no, Linus hadnโt been of the religious sort at all.
Granted, that was before he knew the Antichrist was a six-year-old on Marsyas Island. For the first time in his life, Linus wished he had a crucifix or a Bible orย somethingย with which to protect himself should Lucy decide he needed a sacrifice in order to come into his full powers.
It certainly didnโt help when he passed Phee and Talia in the garden, both of them watching every step he took toward the main house. โDead man walkinโ,โ Talia intoned in a flat voice. โWe got a dead man walkinโ here.โ
Phee covered up her laughter with a cough. โGood afternoon,โ he said stiffly.
โGood afternoon, Mr. Baker,โ Phee and Talia said sweetly, though Linus knew better.
They whispered behind him as he reached the porch to the main house.
He glanced back at them, and they waved cheekily.
Oddly, he found himself struggling against a smile at the sight of them. He scowled instead.
He walked inside the house. He heard Ms. Chapelwhite singing in the kitchen. Sheโd warmed up to him considerably ever since their trip to the beach. And by that, he meant she acknowledged his presence with a nod that almost seemed cordial rather than perfunctory.
He closed the door behind him and heard a chirp coming from the couch in front of the fireplace. He looked down to see a scaly tail sticking out from underneath. โHello, Theodore,โ he said.
The tail disappeared, and Theodore stuck his head out, tongue flicking. He chirped again, this time a question. Linus didnโt need to speak wyvern to understand what he was asking for. โI already gave you one this morning. The more you get, the less you appreciate their worth.โ He felt a little silly, given that plastic buttons were worth nothing at all, but it still felt important to impart such a lesson.
Theodore sighed morosely and disappeared back under the couch, grumbling to himself.
He walked up the stairs, the wood creaking ominously under his weight. The sconces on the walls appeared to flicker, and Linus told himself it was just because the house was old, and the wiring probably could use some upkeep. He made a mental note to ask in his report about the status of funding to the Marsyas Orphanage. Mr. Parnassus had seemed dismissive at the idea ofย funding,ย but Linus thought he had to be mistaken.
The doors to the bedrooms on the second floor were shut on either side of him, with the exception of Chaunceyโs. Linus was about to pass his room when he stopped, hearing Chauncey talking inside. He peeked through the slightly open door to see Chauncey standing in saltwater in front of a full- length mirror near the window, a porterโs cap on his head between the stalks of his eyes. โHow do you do, Mr. and Mrs. Worthington?โ Chauncey asked, one of his tentacles lifting the cap as he bowed low. โWelcome back to the Everland Hotel! May I take your luggage? Oh, why thank you for noticing, Mrs. Worthington! Yes, Iย didย get a new uniform. Only the best for Everland. I do hope you enjoy your stay!โ
Linus left him to it.
He wondered if it would be too much to get Chauncey a coat to complete his costume. Perhaps he could see if there was something in the villageโ
No. That wasnโt what he was here for. He was here to observe and nothing more. He couldnโt influence the orphanage. It wouldnโt be proper. Theย RULES AND REGULATIONSย were specific about such matters.
He thought he heard movement behind Salโs door, but it was shut tight. Best not to attempt to say hello. He wouldnโt want to frighten the poor boy.
In addition to having never seen inside of Salโs room, he had yet to go through the last door in the hall. Mr. Parnassus hadnโt invited him before today, though Lucy had on numerous occasions, much to Linusโs chagrin. He knew heโd have to inspect both before he left the island, but heโd been putting it off this first week, something he shouldnโt have done.
He stood in front of the door for a long moment, before taking a deep breath and raising his shaking hand to knock.
Before he could, the door unlatched and opened just a smidge.
Linus took a step back. There didnโt seem to be any light coming from inside.
He cleared his throat. โHello?โ No response.
He steeled his nerves and pushed open the door.
The late afternoon sun had been bright when heโd walked inside the house, the sea air warm. But the interior of the room reminded him of being back in the city, dark and cold and dank. He took a step inside. And then another.
And then another.
The door slammed shut behind him.
He spun around, heart in his throat. He was reaching for the door when candles flared to life around him, spouts of fire reaching up two feet or more.
โWelcome to my domain,โ a childโs voice rang out behind him. โYou have entered here at my invitation.โ The voice cackled. โBear witness to the true depth of my power! I am Lucifer! I am Beelzebub, the prince of devils! I amโโ
โโgoing to find yourself with a loss of privileges if you should decide to continue,โ Linus heard Mr. Parnassus say.
The candles snuffed out. The darkness faded.
Sunlight poured in through the window. Linus blinked against the bright light.
Mr. Parnassus sat in a high-backed chair near the window, legs crossed, hands in his lap, an amused expression on his face. There was an empty chair across from him, undoubtedly for the boy who lay on his back on the thick rug.
โHe heard you coming,โ Mr. Parnassus said with a shrug. โI cautioned him against it, but since this is his time to do as he wishes, I thought he shouldnโt be stifled.โ
Lucy looked up at Linus, who was plastered against the bedroom door. โI am who I am.โ
โQuite,โ Linus said, his voice a squeak, barely able to peel himself from the door.
The room itself was large and spacious. There was a four-poster bed set against the far wall, made of dark wood, ornate vines and leaves carved into the posts. There was a desk, far older than the others in the house, covered in reams of paper and stacks of books. An unlit fireplace sat opposite the bed. If Linus hadnโt just been frightened half out of his mind, he would have thought it would be perfect for cold winter nights.
โWould you like to show Mr. Baker your room?โ Mr. Parnassus asked Lucy. โHeโd probably like to see it very much. Wouldnโt you, Mr. Baker?โ
No. No, he wouldnโt. Not very much at all. โYe-es,โ Linus said. โThat certainly seems โฆ doable.โ
Lucy turned over on his stomach, propping his chin in his hands. โAre you sure, Mr. Baker? You donโt sound so sure.โ
โIโm sure,โ Linus said firmly.
Lucy picked himself up off the ground. โWell, donโt say I didnโt warn you.โ
Mr. Parnassus sighed. โLucy, youโre going to give Mr. Baker the wrong idea.โ
โAnd what idea would that be?โ โYou know what.โ
Lucy threw his hands up. โIโm just trying to build anticipation. Expect the unexpected! You told me that life is meant to surprise you. Iโm trying to surprise him.โ
โI think youโre setting yourself up for nothing but disappointment.โ
Lucyโs eyes narrowed. โAnd whose fault isย that? If youโd have listened to my decorating ideas, there would be no room for disappointment. There would only be joy.โ He glanced at Linus. โWell, for me.โ
Mr. Parnassus spread his hands in a placating gesture. โI donโt think having severed human heads is conducive to a good nightโs sleep or the health and sanity of Mr. Baker, even if they were to be made of papier- mรขchรฉ.โ
โSevered heads?โ Linus asked in a strangled voice.
Lucy sighed. โJust representations of my enemies. The Pope. Evangelicals who attend megachurches. You know, like normal people have.โ
Linus didnโt think Lucy quite had the grasp of what wasย normal,ย but he managed to keep that to himself. โSo, no heads?โ
โNone,โ Lucy said with a scowl. โNot even the skull of an animal from the woods that Iย didnโt killย and just found.โ He shot a glare at Mr. Parnassus.
โWhat did I say about animals?โ Mr. Parnassus said.
Lucy stomped toward a closed door near the chairs. โIโm not supposed to kill them because only serial killers do that, and if theyโre already dead, I canโt play with the remains because Iโll smell bad.โ
โAnd?โ
โAndย itโs wrong.โ
โLetโs lead with that next time,โ Mr. Parnassus said. โIt might sound more humane.โ
โStifling my creativity,โ Lucy muttered. He put his hand on the doorknob and looked over at Linus. His disgruntled expression disappeared, and that syrupy-sweet smile returned that caused chills to run down Linusโs spine. โAre you coming, Mr. Baker?โ
Linus tried to make his feet move, but they remained firmly rooted near the bedroom door. โIs Mr. Parnassus joining us?โ he asked.
Mr. Parnassus shook his head. โIโll let him give you the tour, as the other children did.โ He paused. Then, โIโm still working on Sal.โ
โGreat,โ Linus said weakly. โThatโs โฆ thatโs fine.โ
โWhy are you sweating?โ Lucy asked, smile widening. โSomething wrong, Mr. Baker?โ
โNo, no,โ Linus said. โJust โฆ a little overwarm, is all. Temperate climate, you know. Not used to it back in the city.โ
โOh, of course,โ Lucy said. โThat must be it. Come here, Mr. Baker. I have something to show you.โ
Linus swallowed thickly. He told himself he was being foolish, that Mr. Parnassus wasย right there,ย and Lucy wouldnโt dare do anything untoward in his presence.
Theย problemย with that was Linusโs brain chose that exact moment to wonder if there had ever been another caseworker to visit the island before, and what became of them. Thereย hadย to have been, right? He canโt have been the first. Why, the idea was preposterous.
Andย ifย there had been others before him, what had become of them? Had they too entered Lucyโs room, only to never be seen again? Would Linus follow Lucy through the door to find the carcasses of his predecessors nailed to the ceiling above the bed? Linus certainly could be firm when he needed to be, but he did have a weak constitution, and the sight of blood tended to cause him to feel woozy. He didnโt know what would happen if he had to see intestines strewn about like wet decorative garlands.
He glanced at Mr. Parnassus, who nodded encouragingly. It did not soothe Linus in the slightest. For all he knew, Mr. Parnassus was just as evil as Lucy, brightly colored socks and wonderful smile be damned.
He nearly tripped atย wonderful smile.
He pushed it away. He could do this.
He couldย do this.
It was just aย child.
He fixed a pleasant look on his face (barely above a grimace) and said, โI would be delighted to see your room, Lucy. I do hope itโs tidy. A disheveled room is the sign of a disheveled mind. Itโs best to keep things clean when possible.โ
Lucyโs eyes danced. โIs that right, Mr. Baker? Well, letโs see what my mind is like, then.โ
Linus was sure this was one of the stressors his physician had warned him of. There was nothing he could do about that now.
He stopped next to Lucy. He looked down at him.
Lucy grinned. Linus thought he had more teeth than was humanly possible.
He turned the doorknob. He pushed open the door.
It creaked on its hinges andโ
Revealed a small space with a twin bed against one wall, the comforter plaid, the pillowcase white. There was room enough for a bureau, but not much else. Atop the bureau sat a collection of shiny rocks shot with veins of quartz.
On the walls were vinyl records, each hung on a pushpin through the hole in its middle. There was Little Richard, the Big Bopper, Frankie Lymon and the Teenagers, Ritchie Valens, and Buddy Holly. In fact, there were more Buddy Holly records than any other.
Linus was startled at the sight of them. He recognized most of the records, because he had them back in the city at his own home. Many nights had been spent listening to โPeggy Sueโ and โThatโll Be the Dayโ and โChantilly Lace.โ
But aside from Little Richard and Frankie Lymon, they all had something else in common. It was slightly morbid, when he thought about it. But it made sense.
He hadnโt even noticed Lucy had closed the door behind them. โThe day the music died,โ Lucy said.
Linus spun around, heart tripping all over itself. Lucy stood at the door, back pressed against it. โWhat?โ
He waved a hand toward the records. โBuddy Holly and Ritchie Valens and the Big Bopper.โ
โA plane crash,โ Linus said quietly.
Lucy nodded and pushed himself off the door. โRitchie and Bopper werenโt even supposed to be on the plane, did you know that?โ
He did. He said, โI think so.โ
โBopper was sick and took someone elseโs seat.โ Waylon Jennings, though Linus kept that to himself.
โAnd Ritchie won his seat in a coin toss. Buddy didnโt want to be stuck in a bus because it was cold, and they had to go to Montana.โ Lucy reached up and touched โChantilly Lace.โ He looked almost reverent. โThe pilot wasnโt given the correct weather information, and the plane didnโt have the proper instruments needed to fly. Weird, right?โ He smiled at Linus. โI like music that makes me happy. And I like death. Itโs strange how people can
mix the two. They all died by chance, and then people sang about them after. I like those songs, but not as much as the ones sung by dead people.โ
Linus coughed roughly. โIโI like music too. I have some of these records at my house.โ
Lucy perked up at that. โDead people music?โ
He shrugged. โI โฆ guess? The older the music, the more likely the singer is dead.โ
โYeah,โ Lucy breathed. His eyes begin to tinge with red. โThatโs true.
Death is wonderful to music. It makes the singers sound like ghosts.โ
Linus thought it was probably a good time to change the subject to something less morbid. โI like your room.โ
Lucy looked around, the light fading from his eyes. โItโs the best. I like having my own room. Arthur says that itโs important to have independence.โ He glanced at Linus before looking away, and Linus could have sworn he looked almostย nervous.ย โJust as long as he doesnโt go too far away.โ His eyes widened. โBut Iโm not a baby! I can be fine by myself! In fact, Iโm by myself all the time!โ
Linus arched an eyebrow. โAllย the time? Oh, no. No, no, no. That wonโt do. Iโll need to have a word with Mr. Parnassus, if thatโs the case. A child of your age should never be by himselfย allย the timeโโ
โI didnโt mean it likeย that,โ Lucy cried. โWhat I meant was is that Iโmย neverย by myself! Ever! Everywhere I go, heโs there! Heโs like a shadow. Itโs so annoying.โ
โWell, if you say so.โ
Lucy nodded furiously. โI do. Thatโsย exactlyย what I said. So, no need to talk to Arthur about it or put it in reports and say bad things about me.โ His smile was positively angelic. โI swear Iโm a good person.โ The smile faded. โAnd you donโt need to worry about looking under my bed. And if you do, the bird skeleton under it isnโt mine, and I donโt know who put it there, but they should be punished because thatโs wrong.โ He smiled again.
Linus stared at him.
โOkay!โ he said, stepping forward and grabbing Linus by the hand. โThatโs it! Thatโs my room! No need to see anything else!โ He pulled Linus toward the door and flung it open. โArthur! He saw my room and said
everything looks good and thereโs nothing bad in it at all and that Iโm a good person. And he likes the same music as me!ย Dead people music.โ
Mr. Parnassus looked up from the book in his lap. โIs that right? Dead people music?โ
Lucy lifted his head up to look at Linus, still holding his hand tightly. โWe like dead things, donโt we, Mr. Baker?โ
Linus sputtered.
Lucy let him go and collapsed on the floor at Mr. Parnassusโs feet where heโd been when Linus had arrived. He folded his hands on his stomach and stared up at the ceiling. โMy brain is filled with spiders burrowing their eggs in the gray matter. Soon theyโll hatch and consume me.โ
Linus had no idea what to do with that.
Thankfully, it appeared Mr. Parnassus did. He closed the book in his lap and set it on the small table next to the chairs. He tapped one of his wing tip shoes against Lucyโs shoulder. โHow descriptive. Weโll discuss that more in detail in just a moment. First, Mr. Baker would like to observe. Would that be all right with you?โ
Lucy glanced at Linus before looking back toward the ceiling. โThatโs fine. He likes dead things almost as much as I do.โ
That wasnโt even remotely true.
โIndeed,โ Mr. Parnassus said, motioning for Linus to sit in the vacant chair. โHow fortuitous. Where did we leave off before Mr. Baker arrived?โ
Linus sat. He pulled his notepad out, along with his pencil. He didnโt know why his fingers were shaking.
โCategorical Imperative,โ Lucy said. โKant.โ
โAh, thatโs right,โ Mr. Parnassus said. โThank you for reminding me.โ Linus got the idea that he didnโt need to be reminded at all. โAnd what did Kant say about the Categorical Imperative?โ
Lucy sighed. โThat itโs the supreme principle of morality. Itโs an objective. A rationally necessary and unconditional principle that we must always follow despite any natural desires or inclinations to the contrary.โ
โAnd was Kant right?โ
โThat to be immoral is to be irrational?โ โYes.โ
Lucy scrunched up his face. โNo?โ โAnd why not?โ
โBecause people arenโt black and white. No matter how hard you try, you canโt stay on one path without diversions. And that doesnโt mean youโre a bad person.โ
Mr. Parnassus nodded. โEven if you have spiders in your brain?โ
Lucy shrugged. โMaybe. But Kant was talking about normal people.
Iโm not normal.โ โWhy is that?โ
He tapped his stomach. โBecause of where I came from.โ โWhere did you come from?โ
โA vagina after it was penetrated by a penis.โ โLucy,โ Mr. Parnassus admonished, as Linus choked.
Lucy rolled his eyes. He shifted as if he were uncomfortable. โI came from a place where things werenโt so good.โ
โAre they better now?โ โMostly.โ
โWhy do you think that is?โ
Lucy squinted up at Linus before turning his head toward Mr. Parnassus. โBecause I have my own room here. And my records. And you and the others, even though Theodore wonโt let me see his hoard.โ
โAnd the spiders?โ โStill there.โ โBut?โ
โBut I can have spiders in my head as long as I donโt let them consume me and then destroy the world as we know it.โ
Linus could barely breathe.
Mr. Parnassus didnโt seem to have that problem. He was smiling. โExactly. To err is to be human, irrational or not. And while some mistakes are bigger than others, if we learn from them, we become better people. Even if we have spiders in our brains.โ
โIโm unholy.โ
โSo some people say.โ
Lucyโs face scrunched up as if he was thinking hard. โArthur?โ
โYes?โ
โDid you know your name is a mountain?โ
Mr. Parnassus blinked, as if heโd been caught off guard. โI did. How did you know that?โ
Lucy shrugged. โI know a lot of things, but I donโt always know how I know them. Does that make sense?โ
โSort of.โ
โMount Parnassus was sacred to Apollo.โ โI know.โ
โAnd do you know Linus of Thrace?โ
Mr. Parnassus shifted in his seat. โI โฆ donโt think so.โ
โOh! Well, Apollo killed Linus with his arrows because of a musical contest. Are you going to kill Mr. Baker?โ Lucy turned his head slowly to look at Linus. โIf you do, can you make sure to use arrows? I donโt want him to be un-holey too.โ
He began to cackle.
Mr. Parnassus sighed as Linusโs chest hitched. โDid you just tell that entire story to be able to make a joke?โ
โYes,โ Lucy said, wiping his eyes. โBecause you told me once that if we canโt laugh at ourselves, weโre doing it wrong.โ He frowned. โAm I doing it wrong? Nobody seems to be laughing.โ
โHumor is subjective, Iโm afraid,โ Mr. Parnassus said.
โThatโs unfortunate,โ Lucy said, staring back up at the ceiling. โHumanity is so weird. If weโre not laughing, weโre crying or running for our lives because monsters are trying to eat us. And they donโt even have to beย realย monsters. They could be the ones we make up in our heads. Donโt you think thatโs weird?โ
โI suppose. But Iโd rather be that way than the alternative.โ โWhich is?โ
โNot feeling anything at all.โ Linus looked away.
Lucy was delighted when Mr. Parnassus ended the session early at a quarter after six. He was told he could head to the kitchen to see if Ms. Chapelwhite needed his help. He jumped up and spun in a little circle as he stomped his feet before heading toward the door, bellowing over his shoulder that he hoped Linus found their time together illuminating.
Linus wasnโt sureย illuminatingย was the right word.
They sat in silence as Lucy descended the stairs, making far too much noise for a boy his size. It sounded as if he bounced off every surface he could find on his way to the first floor.
Linus knew Mr. Parnassus was waiting on him, and he took the opportunity to gather his thoughts as best he could. His notepad was distressingly blank. Heโd forgotten to take down a single observation. That wasnโt good for someone in his position, but he thought he was owed a little leeway with all heโd seen and heard since arriving on the island.
โHeโs not what I expected,โ Linus finally said, staring off into nothing. โNo?โ
He shook his head. โThereโs โฆ connotations behind the name. Antichrist.โ He looked apologetically at Mr. Parnassus. โIf Iโm being honest.โ
โIs there?โ Mr. Parnassus asked dryly. โI hadnโt noticed.โ โIโm not sorry for that.โ
โAnd I donโt expect you to be.โ Mr. Parnassus looked down at his hands. โCan I tell you a secret?โ
That startled Linus. Heโd gathered that the master of Marsyas didnโt dispense his secrets often. It was infuriating, but understandable. โYes? Of course.โ
โI worried too, when I heard he was being sent to the island.โ Linus stared at him. โYouย worried?โ
Mr. Parnassus arched an eyebrow. Linus found that he had to remind himself that according to his file, this man was five years older than he. He looked oddly young. Linus didnโt know why, but he sat a little straighter, and if he sucked in his stomach slightly, it was no oneโs business but his own. โWhy do you sound so offended?โ
โIย worryย when the bus is late. Iย worryย when I sleep through my alarm. Iย worryย when I go to the store on the weekends, and avocados are so expensive. Those are worries, Mr. Parnassus.โ
โThose are mundane,โ he corrected gently. โThe trappings of a normal life. And thereโs nothing wrong with that. I say worried because itโs the best way I know how to express my feelings. I worried because he was alone, but I feel that way with all these children. I worried how he would fit in with the others who were already here. I worried that I wouldnโt be able to provide him what he needed.โ
โAnd him being what he is?โ Linus asked. โDid you worry about that too? It seems to me that should have been at the forefront of all yourย worries.โ
He shrugged. โOf course, but it didnโt outweigh anything else. I understood the severity of the situation, Mr. Baker. But I couldnโt let that become the focus. Thatโs all heโs ever known, people worrying about what he is, what heโs capable of. Because their worry was only a thin cover for fear and revulsion. And children are far more observant than we give them credit for. If he saw the same thing in me as everyone else, what hope would there be?โ
โHope?โ Linus said stupidly.
โHope,โ Mr. Parnassus repeated. โBecause that is what we must give him, what we must give all of them. Hope and guidance and a place to call their own, a home where they can be who they are without fear of repercussion.โ
โForgive me, but I think to equate Lucy to the others is a bit shortsighted. Heโsย notย like anyone else.โ
โNeither is Talia,โ Mr. Parnassus snapped. โOr Theodore. Or Phee or Sal or Chauncey. Theyโre here because theyย arenโtย like everyone else. But that doesnโt mean thatโs the way it needs to stay.โ
โYou sound naรฏve.โ
โIโmย frustrated,โ Mr. Parnassus said. โThese children are faced with nothing but preconceived notions about who they are. And they grow up to be adults who know only the same. You said it yourself: Lucy wasnโt who you expected him to be, which means you already had decided in your head
what he was. How can we fight prejudice if we do nothing to change it? If we allow it to fester, whatโs the point?โ
โAnd yet you stay here on the island,โ Linus said defensively. โYou donโt leave. You donโt letย themย leave.โ
โI am protecting them from a world that doesnโt understand. One day at a time, Mr. Baker. If I can instill confidence in them, a sense of self, then hopefully it will give them the tools they need to face the real world, especially since it will be just as hard for them. It doesnโt help when DICOMY sends someone like you to interfere.โ
โSomeone like me?โ Linus asked. โWhatโsย thatย supposedโโ
Mr. Parnassus huffed out a breath. โI apologize. That was unfair. I know youโre only doing your job.โ His smile was brittle. โRegardless of your employer, I think you are capable of seeing beyond a file or a particular nomenclature.โ
Linus wasnโt sure if heโd been insulted or complimented. โHave there been others? Before me? Caseworkers.โ
Mr. Parnassus nodded slowly. โOnce. I only had Talia and Phee then, although ZoeโMs. Chapelwhiteโhad already offered her assistance. There were rumors of the others, nothing concrete. But I made this house a home for those I had, and in preparation in case more came. Your predecessor, he โฆ changed. He was lovely, and I thought he was going to stay. But then he changed.โ
Linus heard all the things that werenโt being said. He understood now why Ms. Chapelwhite had laughed at him when heโd awkwardly asked if she and Mr. Parnassus were involved. And though it was surely none of his business, he asked, โWhat happened to him?โ
โHe was promoted,โ Mr. Parnassus said quietly. โFirst to Supervision. And then, last I heard, to Extremely Upper Management. Just like he always wanted. I learned a very harsh lesson then: Sometimes wishes should never be spoken aloud as they wonโt come true.โ
Linus blinked. Surely he couldnโt meanโ โNot the man with jowls.โ Mr. Parnassus chuckled. โNo.โ
โOr the bespectacled man.โ
โNo, Mr. Baker. Not the bespectacled man.โ
That left the handsome man with wavy hair. Mr. Werner. The one who had told Linus there wereย concernsย about the capabilities of Arthur Parnassus. Linus was scandalized, though he couldnโt quite be sure why. โBut he is so โฆย soโฆโ
โSo?โ Mr. Parnassus asked.
Linus latched onto the only thing he could think of. โHe serves dried- out ham at the holiday parties! Itโsย terrible.โ
Mr. Parnassus stared at him for a moment before he burst out laughing. Linus was startled by how warm and crackly the sound was, like waves crashing over smooth rocks. โOh, my dear Mr. Baker. I do truly marvel at you.โ
Linus felt oddly proud. โI try.โ
โSo you do,โ he said, wiping his eyes.
They sat in silence again, and it was the most comfortable Linus had felt since arriving on the island. He didnโt dare examine it much, for fear it would show him things he wasnโt ready to see, but he knew it was there. But, like all things, it was temporary. His time here, much like his time in this world, was finite. It wouldnโt do to think otherwise.
Then, without even thinking, he said, โKant, Arthur? Seriously? Of all the things.โ
Mr. Parnassusโs eyes sparkled in the failing sunlight. โHe had his fallacies.โ
โOh, thatโs an understatement if I ever heard one. Schopenhauer saidโโ โSchopenhauer?ย I take back every nice thing Iโve ever said about you,
Linus. You are banished from the island. Leave immediately.โ
โHe had some very pointed critiques! And he did so only to further validate Kantโs work!โ
Mr. Parnassus scoffed. โValidation wasnโt something Kantโโ โMy good man, thatโs where you are surely wrong.โ
And on and on it went.